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  1. #11
    Senior Member defragmybrain's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Try building it up.
    ...
    Respecting each others pov's and modus operandi is...vital
    I wish he came with an instruction manual. i don't think I've ever had to work so hard at a relationship. This appeared "closedmindedness" (okay, wrong term, but i'm frustrated) is affecting all aspects of our relationship. He must know Where we go, what we eat, how we have sex, etc etc etc. I let it slide for a while because A. i like him and i CAN go with the flow, i CAN live by his order but it finally became SO routine i had to speak up within six months. B. I thought he needed to learn to trust me before he could consider switching things up once in a while...
    Work work work.


    I feel like i don't need him. And thats actualy part of the appeal to stay. Is that bad? ..haha
    - From your fun-loving ESFP.
    Se/Fi/Te/Ni, 44% E / 88% S / 62% F / 67% P

    http://badges.mypersonality.info/badge/0/18/182571.png

  2. #12
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by defragmybrain View Post
    I wish he came with an instruction manual. i don't think I've ever had to work so hard at a relationship. This appeared "closedmindedness" (okay, wrong term, but i'm frustrated) is affecting all aspects of our relationship. He must know Where we go, what we eat, how we have sex, etc etc etc. I let it slide for a while because A. i like him and i CAN go with the flow, i CAN live by his order but it finally became SO routine i had to speak up within six months. B. I thought he needed to learn to trust me before he could consider switching things up once in a while...
    Work work work.


    I feel like i don't need him. And thats actualy part of the appeal to stay. Is that bad? ..haha
    He must be an extreme ISTJ; but it may be because you are dealing with someone 5 years older than you, he probably more set in his ways.

    Are you saying he's NEVER spontaneous, NEVER flexible, or are you exaggerating his need to know everything?

    I just read an older post of how you may be trying to fix him. Don't do that to him. He doesn't need fixing. My ex did that to me and it pissed me off. The last thing I want to be is some kind of experiment.

    Don't look at his way of life as a problem, but as a preference. The man likes structure and predicatability. What draws you to him is your spontaneity and go with the flow attitude. I'm sure he's not trying to change you, and it doesn't appear he has a problem with your way of going about things. You can only enrich his life by working with him, but you have to SPEAK UP. If you don't then he won't know how much these things mean to you, and that will hurt you both in the long run.

  3. #13
    Senior Member defragmybrain's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
    He must be an extreme ISTJ; but it may be because you are dealing with someone 5 years older than you, he probably more set in his ways.

    Are you saying he's NEVER spontaneous, NEVER flexible, or are you exaggerating his need to know everything?

    I just read an older post of how you may be trying to fix him. Don't do that to him. He doesn't need fixing. My ex did that to me and it pissed me off. The last thing I want to be is some kind of experiment.

    Don't look at his way of life as a problem, but as a preference. The man likes structure and predicatability. What draws you to him is your spontaneity and go with the flow attitude. I'm sure he's not trying to change you, and it doesn't appear he has a problem with your way of going about things. You can only enrich his life by working with him, but you have to SPEAK UP. If you don't then he won't know how much these things mean to you, and that will hurt you both in the long run.
    Okay yeah, the word 'fix' is really demeaning. nobody wants to think their preference is a problem - and nobody wants to be fixed - everyone has preferences for a reason.
    I think he is misunderstanding me and taking advantage of the situation by saying "Well you can live by my rules, so what's the problem? Live your way when i'm not around" - thats what i'm sort of afraid of.
    Everytime we talk constructively about our issues i always remind him he can speak up about issues he has with me. He never has any, at least never talks about any.

    He IS rather big on specifics - What time are you getting here text messages. If i say half hour and end up 40 minutes in he's frustrated. If i don't have a plan for my future, he's nervous and i can see it. He starts talking about 'our future' and it freaks me out because i dont even think a WEEK ahead of time.

    Anyway yes.
    "Speak up" is my mantra.
    - From your fun-loving ESFP.
    Se/Fi/Te/Ni, 44% E / 88% S / 62% F / 67% P

    http://badges.mypersonality.info/badge/0/18/182571.png

  4. #14
    Senior Member defragmybrain's Avatar
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    ps. DO i sound like a whining girlfriend? are these legitimate issues or am i being a stickler who shouldn't sweat the small stuff? because as a whole we're rather fine (as long as i do things his way).

    pps. when he talks about 'our future' and i tell him that there's nothing to talk about, that we should take it on a smaller scale (i AM invested in him, but i can't think about moving intogether). His response is something like "you should really think about the future more often, its good to have, it scares me that you dont have a plan, its part of growing up...etc". Ouch.
    - From your fun-loving ESFP.
    Se/Fi/Te/Ni, 44% E / 88% S / 62% F / 67% P

    http://badges.mypersonality.info/badge/0/18/182571.png

  5. #15
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by defragmybrain View Post
    Okay yeah, the word 'fix' is really demeaning. nobody wants to think their preference is a problem - and nobody wants to be fixed - everyone has preferences for a reason.
    I think he is misunderstanding me and taking advantage of the situation by saying "Well you can live by my rules, so what's the problem? Live your way when i'm not around" - thats what i'm sort of afraid of.
    Everytime we talk constructively about our issues i always remind him he can speak up about issues he has with me. He never has any, at least never talks about any.

    He IS rather big on specifics - What time are you getting here text messages. If i say half hour and end up 40 minutes in he's frustrated. If i don't have a plan for my future, he's nervous and i can see it. He starts talking about 'our future' and it freaks me out because i dont even think a WEEK ahead of time.

    Anyway yes.
    "Speak up" is my mantra.
    Now if he's saying that 'you can live by my rules' statement you have up there, then yes that's a problem. But if that's just a feeling you are getting, You have to discuss that. Even if he tightens up, talk about it. Don't be afraid of his annoyance. He'll respect you for it.

    And I'm like him. If you are going to be there in 30 minutes, GET THERE IN 30 MINUTES!!! If you are going to be late, just text me and let me know. Don't text me at 35 minutes and say 5 minutes; text me at 25 minutes and say I'm running late, 15 minutes. LOL. That's just us, as ISTJs. You have to accept that.

    You know why he doesn't bring up any issues? Because he probably doesn't have any that are crippling your relationship! Sure you want him to eat that dish he can't pronounce, but he'll live. He'll express his annoyance but he moves on. I think you have to stop being so consumed by it, and get comfortable that your man isn't the most expressive, or go with the flow, but he loves you for who you are.

    Now, notice that he asks you about your future, and his comments about your apprent lack of planning for it. That's his specialty- He's the one who plans and wants to help you out by making you aware of doing the same thing. His 'grow up' comments sound harsh on the surface, but is he wrong? I'd be worried too if my girl couldn't express her plans to me, almost like you have no direction. I'm sure you have some plans, but they aren't big and aggressive. If you don't have them formulated, it would be good to form some real loose ones and have them in your back pocket at all times. He'll probably want more specifics on them, but it's better to have a starting point instead of giving him this face.

    I wouldn't see you as a nag if you aren't bringing this up too frequently. It's something that troubles you, but he has the responsibility to address them, and you have to understand where he's coming from, I mean REALLY understand the guy, and don't expect him to drastically change who he is, especially if he doesn't expect the same from you.

    PS- Why did you say, you don't need him?

  6. #16
    Senior Member defragmybrain's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
    Now if he's saying that 'you can live by my rules' statement you have up there, then yes that's a problem. But if that's just a feeling you are getting, You have to discuss that. Even if he tightens up, talk about it. Don't be afraid of his annoyance. He'll respect you for it.

    And I'm like him. If you are going to be there in 30 minutes, GET THERE IN 30 MINUTES!!! If you are going to be late, just text me and let me know. Don't text me at 35 minutes and say 5 minutes; text me at 25 minutes and say I'm running late, 15 minutes. LOL. That's just us, as ISTJs. You have to accept that.

    You know why he doesn't bring up any issues? Because he probably doesn't have any that are crippling your relationship! Sure you want him to eat that dish he can't pronounce, but he'll live. He'll express his annoyance but he moves on. I think you have to stop being so consumed by it, and get comfortable that your man isn't the most expressive, or go with the flow, but he loves you for who you are.

    Now, notice that he asks you about your future, and his comments about your apprent lack of planning for it. That's his specialty- He's the one who plans and wants to help you out by making you aware of doing the same thing. His 'grow up' comments sound harsh on the surface, but is he wrong? I'd be worried too if my girl couldn't express her plans to me, almost like you have no direction. I'm sure you have some plans, but they aren't big and aggressive. If you don't have them formulated, it would be good to form some real loose ones and have them in your back pocket at all times. He'll probably want more specifics on them, but it's better to have a starting point instead of giving him this face.

    I wouldn't see you as a nag if you aren't bringing this up too frequently. It's something that troubles you, but he has the responsibility to address them, and you have to understand where he's coming from, I mean REALLY understand the guy, and don't expect him to drastically change who he is, especially if he doesn't expect the same from you.

    PS- Why did you say, you don't need him?
    the "grow up" comment really hurt. ESFP takes offense so easy (i'm not even going to get into his taking offense... thats a whole other enchilada). I don't show it but internally i'm like - OW! You sayin' i'm immature? That I haven't/won't grow up? ..Gee. Thanks.

    My future is primarily dictated by school - so its not something i think about right now. Its a pretty standard pattern that everybody follows - go to class. Get BS. Work 5 years. Get Masters. But when he puts himself into that formula, I dont even know where to put him. All i know is that i'm not dropping my world for him.

    I AM rather consumed by this rigidness because it occurs in EVERY single action of his life. I can't avoid it or ignore it. Even if i don't mention it, it's there, and i'm noticing it, and i can't stop almost chuckling how anal retentive everything is. Maybe it takes more time to get used to because in this regard we are complete opposite ends of the spectrum.

    Explaining why I don't need him is probably off topic. But i guess to briefly put it, in my last relationship i was head over heels for an INTP. Quiet, mysterious, cynical - meets me - even probably further away from the spectrum than this ISTJ. Anyway i loved him, and he dropped me. I've never loved so hard... then randomly fell into this relationship almost by accident, and in the year we're together, never had this epic soul-quenching passion for him. Perhaps after the shock of the first relationship, this one is expected to be a little less dramatic. I don't think I love him.. but how can i tell? If i walk away from him i'll begin to miss him. Where is that line, when you need someone vs. just simply caring for someone because you're used to them? I don't think i'm being dishonest, i just keep assuming it'll come to me or that the relationship needs more time and collective experience to see where it stands. You'd think a year would be enough - but it's not.
    This slight detachment is kind of thrilling to me.

    Because of my semi short-sighted present minded way of living, many of my friends are surprised I haven't left him or cheated on him because i like 'variety' and 'change'. But here i am stickin' it out.
    Heh RANT RANT RANT. Sorry.
    - From your fun-loving ESFP.
    Se/Fi/Te/Ni, 44% E / 88% S / 62% F / 67% P

    http://badges.mypersonality.info/badge/0/18/182571.png

  7. #17
    Senior Member simpleamazement's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by defragmybrain View Post
    ISTJs..

    What are your thoughts on ESFP's as romantic partners? If you've never had one, what would your perceptions/doubts/worries of that type of person be?

    He practically lives in a bubble ! doesn't want to leave his town, doesn't want to travel much, secure and safe in his little world, doesnt try new food

    I'm an eccentric, loud, Russian born ball of chaos. I like variety.How do i find a common ground with him?

    How do i fix this??

    Anyway, rambling.
    In general I love the ISTJ.
    <3 Thoughts?
    Whoa, let's try and answer this one at a time!

    K, my thoughts on an ESFP romantic partner? Well they can be annoying, but if she has her shyt together then it will probably work out better...yeah. But like that's REALLY gonna happen. Especially with a world with an abundance of temptation! With their A.D.D., they're unlikely to see the calm, stable ISTJ, as a suitable partner because she's out messing around, aka having fun with the other SP's. I would love to have an healthy ESFP partner, but that's like asking for a winning lottery ticket.

    He lives in his bubble? Well that sucks. I hope he realizes that it's good to explore his horizons.

    Finding a common ground? Fixing this? Honestly, he must realize that love is not a one-sided deal. He must compromise. He must realize that a healthy relationship is give-and-take.

    Quote Originally Posted by defragmybrain View Post
    ps. DO i sound like a whining girlfriend? are these legitimate issues or am i being a stickler who shouldn't sweat the small stuff? because as a whole we're rather fine (as long as i do things his way).

    pps. when he talks about 'our future' and i tell him that there's nothing to talk about, that we should take it on a smaller scale (i AM invested in him, but i can't think about moving intogether). His response is something like "you should really think about the future more often, its good to have, it scares me that you dont have a plan, its part of growing up...etc". Ouch.
    Yes, you do sound like a whining girlfriend, but these ARE legitimate issues. And I know he is insecure, he wants the safety cushion that tells his ego that you will always be there for him...aka 'your future'. Did that help, fiesty redhead?

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