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  1. #31
    Senior Member Amira's Avatar
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    No advice here, just a funny thought (to me anyway). Your boyfriend sounds like Mr. Darcy! He broods, avoids crowds, etc. etc. My sis and I just finished rewatching Pride & Prejudie, got Mr. Darcy on the brain
    Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~Plato

  2. #32
    Let's make this showy! raz's Avatar
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    Isn't the goal happiness? Why throw yourself into an uncomfortable situation if there isn't a personal reason to be there? Sounds like people misunderstand how happiness is derived from certain people and then transform that misunderstanding into character assassinations.


  3. #33
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post

    XtremeENFP, I think you have to see how serious this is for you....think if this will be an issue in the future, when you are older, and probably less prone to hit the town as often. It sounds like it doesn't impact your relationship too bad; it's just a smear in an otherwise good relationship, but no amount of info from people on a message board will influence you.
    Yeah, I don't see this is being anything that will make us break up or anything, Its just a constant annoyance that happens every couple months. I just want to understand it at a deeper level than him just saying "I don't like it. It's not fun". The problems we have had before I really started studying MBTI, have seemed to not be so bothersome anymore, since I UNDERSTAND IT and I just try not and take it personal. This problem, though, just brings me down and our group, so that is just something I am striving to hopefully fix, or something. But it seems as if it is just going to be unfixable.

    I have been trying to envision some issues when we are older that this could happen... any ideas??

    Quote Originally Posted by burymecloser View Post

    This is not just introversion (I suspect it's an IxTJ thing). Do you know what it is that makes him so unhappy when he goes out with you? Is he bored? Does he feel excluded or uncool? Does he feel like the cool people are judging him? Does just being exposed to these things he looks down on upset him? Does he ever use words like "depressing" to describe what he's seeing?

    How is he afterwards? Does he brighten up the moment you leave, or is he sullen and moody the rest of the night? Is he angry? Withdrawn? Exhausted? Does he keep complaining even after you've left? What about the next day? Does he feel dirty or compromised?

    He may have decided that drinking, or the club scene or whatever, is stupid and beneath him -- meaning it is also beneath those fit to associate with him.

    If he has decided these behaviors (drinking, etc.) are "wrong" or immature or too mainstream or whatever, it's likely that even witnessing them upsets him. How can he have a good time when he's surrounded by these people?

    BTW, how do your friends feel about him?

    You could also try to arrange other activities, movie nights or small parties (under 10 people!) and stuff where he can hang out with you and your friends in a different environment.
    I believe he is mainly bored, and just annoyed whenever he does something he doesn't want to do. I don't think he feels upset because he is viewed as uncool (as stated, he takes pride in the fact that is isn't following the 'cool crowd'). Being exposed to things that he looks down is a BIG ONE. I don't get drunk or do any of that stuff either, but I don't mind being around it, because i value the friendships, and the potential of being able to help someone is they go over the deep end. I see him just being like 'well, the deserve it for their stupidity". He may have called is depressing what he sees, possbily because he thinks they are 'wasting their immature lives away.'

    Afterwards, the car ride home from these kind of events usually starts with an awkward silence (because he knows i'm upset with how he was acting) and then he breaks the silence with "How do you enjoy these things?" And then I feel like I need to go on defense. I don't want to lose him due to something stupid like this, and I think he views it as more of a damage to our longevity of our relationship (just yet another thing we dont have in common!) where I just view it as an annoying bump in the road. He is usually fine afterwards, he's not in a bad mood, but I usually still am. he most definitely complains about it afterwards, but he doesn't still have a weird aura about him.

    He does think the drinking scene is beneath him, but ugh, why does he have to be judgmental of people who enjoy different things than him?


    Bolded part -- Yeah, good point, but I mean, if he has to be there, why just dwell in anger and bitterness, that can't be fun for him! Take control and don't let the situation have control of you.

    My friends love him, but they do see his imperfections. I am usually questioned "Why does he do these things? What's his problem?" People do see him as kinda prudey, or goody-too-shoes, but they do not hate him. He is a very nice guy and he doesn't voice to my friends what he is thinking in his head. But, I do feel like my friends walk on eggshells around him. They don't want to offend him, though some of my ENTP or ISTP friends do purposely try and do so. As a matter of fact, I do recall some friends years ago say that I act differently when I am with him, like when he tags along, they don't think I'm as fun as when he isn't there. That kinda bothers me, I don't think I act differently....

    Yeah, you are right, I think the smaller the crowds and less hype and energy, the better.

    Quote Originally Posted by Litvyak View Post
    Well, maybe you could help him by softly pointing this out. Does he have a chance anyway?
    Haha, after 5 years of dating, he knows what he does that rubs me the wrong way. Like I said, I am not going to break up with him because of this unless I get some vision of how this could ruin a marriage... but again, very unlikely. I do like him a lot, and he is a great guy, but sure, every relationship has it's problem areas.

    Quote Originally Posted by raz View Post
    Isn't the goal happiness? Why throw yourself into an uncomfortable situation if there isn't a personal reason to be there? Sounds like people misunderstand how happiness is derived from certain people and then transform that misunderstanding into character assassinations.
    ...I'm not sure what this means or what it is directed towards...?

  4. #34
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    Yeah, I don't see this is being anything that will make us break up or anything, Its just a constant annoyance that happens every couple months. I just want to understand it at a deeper level than him just saying "I don't like it. It's not fun". The problems we have had before I really started studying MBTI, have seemed to not be so bothersome anymore, since I UNDERSTAND IT and I just try not and take it personal. This problem, though, just brings me down and our group, so that is just something I am striving to hopefully fix, or something. But it seems as if it is just going to be unfixable.

    I have been trying to envision some issues when we are older that this could happen... any ideas??



    I believe he is mainly bored, and just annoyed whenever he does something he doesn't want to do. I don't think he feels upset because he is viewed as uncool (as stated, he takes pride in the fact that is isn't following the 'cool crowd'). Being exposed to things that he looks down is a BIG ONE. I don't get drunk or do any of that stuff either, but I don't mind being around it, because i value the friendships, and the potential of being able to help someone is they go over the deep end. I see him just being like 'well, the deserve it for their stupidity". He may have called is depressing what he sees, possbily because he thinks they are 'wasting their immature lives away.'

    Afterwards, the car ride home from these kind of events usually starts with an awkward silence (because he knows i'm upset with how he was acting) and then he breaks the silence with "How do you enjoy these things?" And then I feel like I need to go on defense. I don't want to lose him due to something stupid like this, and I think he views it as more of a damage to our longevity of our relationship (just yet another thing we dont have in common!) where I just view it as an annoying bump in the road. He is usually fine afterwards, he's not in a bad mood, but I usually still am. he most definitely complains about it afterwards, but he doesn't still have a weird aura about him.

    He does think the drinking scene is beneath him, but ugh, why does he have to be judgmental of people who enjoy different things than him?


    Bolded part -- Yeah, good point, but I mean, if he has to be there, why just dwell in anger and bitterness, that can't be fun for him! Take control and don't let the situation have control of you.

    My friends love him, but they do see his imperfections. I am usually questioned "Why does he do these things? What's his problem?" People do see him as kinda prudey, or goody-too-shoes, but they do not hate him. He is a very nice guy and he doesn't voice to my friends what he is thinking in his head. But, I do feel like my friends walk on eggshells around him. They don't want to offend him, though some of my ENTP or ISTP friends do purposely try and do so. As a matter of fact, I do recall some friends years ago say that I act differently when I am with him, like when he tags along, they don't think I'm as fun as when he isn't there. That kinda bothers me, I don't think I act differently....

    Yeah, you are right, I think the smaller the crowds and less hype and energy, the better.



    Haha, after 5 years of dating, he knows what he does that rubs me the wrong way. Like I said, I am not going to break up with him because of this unless I get some vision of how this could ruin a marriage... but again, very unlikely. I do like him a lot, and he is a great guy, but sure, every relationship has it's problem areas.



    ...I'm not sure what this means or what it is directed towards...?
    If it's just when you are hanging out, then you should be fine- it's just not his thing. Hopefully he'll get better as he gets older. I just read somewhere how maturation brings a bout more use of some of our weaker functions. I know for myself that I've become more of a Feeler in a sense- I try to be more considerate and gentle when dealing with women and children. It's not perfect, but I know I've changed, even if it's not readily apparent to others.

    He might surprise you one day and drag you out!

    One other thing- when he makes his comments about 'how can you enjoy' hanging out and stuff, He's not angry, and he doesn't hold on to it. He's just expressing what he's been feeling all night. Once that's out, he'll be fine. But your Fi probably doesn't let go of it as fast, and that's why you hold on to it.
    He doesn't lose sleep over these arguments.

  5. #35
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
    He doesn't lose sleep over these arguments.

    Thank you, this does make me feel better. In the back of my mind, I am just worried that if he finds just one more difference, he's going to think that we can't work. If you read previous Topics from me, you can see that he is so hesitant in marriage because of our differences, and I just get worried in the security of our future. I am happy and I can see it working, but I think he needs to see me meet up to a check-list sometimes and these little surprises just are side notes as to why we couldn't be successful.

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