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[ISFJ] Problems with my ISFJ best friend :(.... do you know things like these?

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Mh...I don't know how you can help....but....I just wanted to know how other ISFJs see this.
I have a really close friend who is an ISFJ, and we have a really close relationship, even though I think that there are often things left unsaid. she is really caring and aways thinks of everyone she likes.
However, I sometimes feel a bit as if she is taking away my air to breathe....hard to describe. she is so demanding.....if she feels bad, she expects me to leave eveything I do at the moment and come to her to help her. I'd do that, but the problem starts if I fell pressured....because if I don't, she is really offened.... the thing is, I really always consider everyone's feelings, at least I try to, and without wanting to sound arrogant I think I am really good at considering the feelings of others. She sometimes does what I'd call "emotional blackmailing" and she knows that I will come to her and appologize....I go into a lot of generalizations, I wanted to tell of a specific event that happened yesterday.
she had bought be a ticket to a concert which she'd thought I'd like (I'd still have to pay), and gave it to me as a suprise. I didn't have much time to think about it, because I was surprised, and took it. she said "I knew you wanted to go there"....and if I didn't have time she'd find someone else.
I know I should have said something then, but I was too suprised and didnt want to disappoint her. so
after having slept on it, I found today that it bothered me somehow. I felt "overwhelmed" and other-directed that she hadn't asked me if she should buy that ticket. I sent her an email to explain how I felt about it. I was really trying to pick my words carefully, saying that I really appreciate that she had thought of me and that I know that she wanted to do something nice for me. But that I felt a bit strange about that and it would be nice if she could ask me the next time.
her answer was that that she just wanted to give me something nice, and couldnt have asked, since it was a surprise, and that it sounds as if she is doing this all the time, and that she had said I didnt have to take the ticket and that there was no pressure. and that it will never happen again, and that I have really hurt her........

I appologized for hurting her, via another sms and email, but also said that I wanted to state how I felt about it. the thing is, she has not answered, and she will be hurt and angry and expect me to call her to clarify it..... but..... I FEEL HURT AS WELL. I am really angry that SHE has not appologized. she always says she is so sensitive, but then she does not even TRY to understand how I feel. She never sees that she also can do things wrong...... I mean, I really love her, but I am really considerate of her feelings so often..... ach. I'm sorry. Sorry for rambling. I just find it so sad.... I know I should talk to her. but she has lost so many friends because of this kind of behaviour...... If I complain, I'll probably be the next one......
 

FDG

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Being annoyed because somebody has given you a ticket for free? Sounds paranoid, I'd say her reaction makes perfect sense.
 

Jaguar

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she had bought be a ticket to a concert which she'd thought I'd like (I'd still have to pay), and gave it to me as a suprise.

You allege she bought you a ticket to surprise you, but you still have to pay?
That's like throwing a surprise party for someone, then handing them a bill.
 

sofmarhof

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Would you have wanted to go to the concert if she asked first? If so, tell her, try to appreciate that she understands your taste in music, at least. Was it a hard-to-find ticket that she had to grab while she had the chance, so she couldn't just tell you about it? She was trying to do something nice, and just wasn't thinking it through fully. I think it's a stretch to call this emotional blackmail.
 

Gerbah

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It sounds like you've been frustrated with her for a while but haven't said anything. Maybe that's why the ISFJ finds your reaction to be too strong to what happened in this one incident? Maybe she's picking up on your bigger emotions? If it was just an issue of saying yes too soon and then changing your mind, normally a person shouldn't feel “hurt” if you say it's actually not convenient for you to take the ticket. It sounds like the real issue is much bigger.
 

tinker683

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She doesn't really sound like an ISFJ to me...
 
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I still want to go to the concert, and I have told her that.
and I would have said yes if she had asked me in the first place.
I felt pressured by her handing me the ticket with the words "I bought one for you because I thought you surely wanted to know".....it's kind of her that she bought one, but I like to be asked.....if I want to go....
 

highlander

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what does she sound like to you?

No idea but I'd agree she doesn't sound ISFJ. The whole situation sounds a little odd.

In either case, I don't think email is a good way to confront or tackle such issues.
 

Sinmara

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The "emotional blackmailing" is more of an SP thing, really. I haven't known any ISFJs who've done it. Hell, the ones I know wouldn't even know how.
 

tinker683

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what does she sound like to you?

Well there are a few things you said she did in your post that just really doesn't sound like something an ISFJ would do.

For instance:

However, I sometimes feel a bit as if she is taking away my air to breathe....hard to describe. she is so demanding.....if she feels bad, she expects me to leave eveything I do at the moment and come to her to help her. I'd do that, but the problem starts if I fell pressured....because if I don't, she is really offened....

That she's expecting you to drop what you're doing is very uncharacteristic of ISFJ's. From what I know they would typically bottle up any problems they're having and would take to an attitude of "it's my problem, not his". In fact usually we are the ones who are dropping everything we're doing to come to the aid of someone else.

Also:

wanted to tell of a specific event that happened yesterday.
she had bought be a ticket to a concert which she'd thought I'd like (I'd still have to pay), and gave it to me as a suprise. I didn't have much time to think about it, because I was surprised, and took it. she said "I knew you wanted to go there"....and if I didn't have time she'd find someone else.

That she'd buy you a gift as a surprise doesn't really surprise me. What does strike me as odd as that she'd still expect you to pay for it. Whenever I'm out with my crush I'm practically tripping over myself to pay for everything for her (Not because I'm trying to make her feel guilty or anything, but just because I really do like her and I do very much enjoy being really nice to her. But then that may have more to do with me being an Enneagram Type 2w1 than an ISFJ but I digress)

Regardless, that again just sounds very uncharacteristic of ISFJs.

IF she is an ISFJ, she sounds like a very immature ISFJ.
 

Giggly

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If it were me I'd go and pay for the ticket this time and then tell her to ask me next time before doing something like this.

Unless she's a dolt, she should get it.

People do make mistakes.
 

FDG

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Isn't it kind of crazy to buy something for somebody else and expecting him-her to pay for it?
 

Giggly

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Isn't it kind of crazy to buy something for somebody else and expecting him-her to pay for it?

Yeah, but I get the feeling that the ISFJ was being stupid and made a mistake. Now of course the OP shouldn't have to pay for the ISFJ's mistake but the ISFJ doesn't seem to be owning up to her mistake and seems to be all mad that she made a mistake. Immature but I'm not sure if a good friendship is worth throwing away for this?
 

Giggly

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I don't know. Reading the OP again, maybe the ISFJ is too demanding.
 

JTG1984

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I see nothing wrong with what the ISFJ did. She gave the OP the option and said if the OP didn't want to go she would give it to someone else. It's not like she kidnapped the OP brought him/her to the concert pointed a gun at his/her head and then asked for him/her to pay for it afterward.
 
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The thing is, she has been too demanding of me. of everyone she knows, I think. I have not brought up this as an issue, because then she would end the friendship (have seen her do this with other friends). I know you should be able to say this in a friendship. I don't really have a problem with her buying this ticket, I have a problem with the way she presented it, that really put me under pressure, as I tried to explain to her. I am really angry now because SHE only cares for her feelings, and it's always that way. I mean, she always says she is so sensitive and she really immediately helps you if you are in trouble, so its nothing wrong with expecting the same in return. the thing is that it is an overall kind of demanding behaviour. but what I'm angry about is that she now expects that I should have appologise. I have done say in an email, but she has NEVER said anything conerning my feelings, because she is busy being hurt. She expects me to take care of her feelings, appologise etc., but I was just saying something that she could do in a different way next time. I didn't said "Now I don't want the ticket"...I said I rally like to take it, and really appreciate what she did, but would really like it if she could ask me the next time before. I don't see what's wrong with uttering this!!! She said something I should do differently per mail some time ago, and it was also that I was just trying to help, and I just said "Okay, didn't meant to hurt you, if you don't like it, I'll do it differently". I hate that she does not see that she has done something wriong....it's not really that she has done something wrong, but I only asked her to do something differently in the future because I don't feel comfortable this way. It's always been me coming to her begging that we could talk about things......
 
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