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  1. #1
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    Default Problems with my ISFJ best friend :(.... do you know things like these?

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Mh...I don't know how you can help....but....I just wanted to know how other ISFJs see this.
    I have a really close friend who is an ISFJ, and we have a really close relationship, even though I think that there are often things left unsaid. she is really caring and aways thinks of everyone she likes.
    However, I sometimes feel a bit as if she is taking away my air to breathe....hard to describe. she is so demanding.....if she feels bad, she expects me to leave eveything I do at the moment and come to her to help her. I'd do that, but the problem starts if I fell pressured....because if I don't, she is really offened.... the thing is, I really always consider everyone's feelings, at least I try to, and without wanting to sound arrogant I think I am really good at considering the feelings of others. She sometimes does what I'd call "emotional blackmailing" and she knows that I will come to her and appologize....I go into a lot of generalizations, I wanted to tell of a specific event that happened yesterday.
    she had bought be a ticket to a concert which she'd thought I'd like (I'd still have to pay), and gave it to me as a suprise. I didn't have much time to think about it, because I was surprised, and took it. she said "I knew you wanted to go there"....and if I didn't have time she'd find someone else.
    I know I should have said something then, but I was too suprised and didnt want to disappoint her. so
    after having slept on it, I found today that it bothered me somehow. I felt "overwhelmed" and other-directed that she hadn't asked me if she should buy that ticket. I sent her an email to explain how I felt about it. I was really trying to pick my words carefully, saying that I really appreciate that she had thought of me and that I know that she wanted to do something nice for me. But that I felt a bit strange about that and it would be nice if she could ask me the next time.
    her answer was that that she just wanted to give me something nice, and couldnt have asked, since it was a surprise, and that it sounds as if she is doing this all the time, and that she had said I didnt have to take the ticket and that there was no pressure. and that it will never happen again, and that I have really hurt her........

    I appologized for hurting her, via another sms and email, but also said that I wanted to state how I felt about it. the thing is, she has not answered, and she will be hurt and angry and expect me to call her to clarify it..... but..... I FEEL HURT AS WELL. I am really angry that SHE has not appologized. she always says she is so sensitive, but then she does not even TRY to understand how I feel. She never sees that she also can do things wrong...... I mean, I really love her, but I am really considerate of her feelings so often..... ach. I'm sorry. Sorry for rambling. I just find it so sad.... I know I should talk to her. but she has lost so many friends because of this kind of behaviour...... If I complain, I'll probably be the next one......

  2. #2
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    Being annoyed because somebody has given you a ticket for free? Sounds paranoid, I'd say her reaction makes perfect sense.
    ENTj 7-3-8 sx/sp

  3. #3
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    No.....not for free. I have to pay for that.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Jaguar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halfjillhalfjack View Post
    she had bought be a ticket to a concert which she'd thought I'd like (I'd still have to pay), and gave it to me as a suprise.
    You allege she bought you a ticket to surprise you, but you still have to pay?
    That's like throwing a surprise party for someone, then handing them a bill.

  5. #5
    Senior Member sofmarhof's Avatar
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    Would you have wanted to go to the concert if she asked first? If so, tell her, try to appreciate that she understands your taste in music, at least. Was it a hard-to-find ticket that she had to grab while she had the chance, so she couldn't just tell you about it? She was trying to do something nice, and just wasn't thinking it through fully. I think it's a stretch to call this emotional blackmail.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Gerbah's Avatar
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    It sounds like you've been frustrated with her for a while but haven't said anything. Maybe that's why the ISFJ finds your reaction to be too strong to what happened in this one incident? Maybe she's picking up on your bigger emotions? If it was just an issue of saying yes too soon and then changing your mind, normally a person shouldn't feel “hurt” if you say it's actually not convenient for you to take the ticket. It sounds like the real issue is much bigger.

  7. #7
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halfjillhalfjack View Post
    No.....not for free. I have to pay for that.
    she's given you a ticket you have to pay for? Well that's really weird
    ENTj 7-3-8 sx/sp

  8. #8
    Senior Member tinker683's Avatar
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    She doesn't really sound like an ISFJ to me...
    "The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it."
    ― Woodrow Wilson

  9. #9
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    I still want to go to the concert, and I have told her that.
    and I would have said yes if she had asked me in the first place.
    I felt pressured by her handing me the ticket with the words "I bought one for you because I thought you surely wanted to know".....it's kind of her that she bought one, but I like to be asked.....if I want to go....

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by tinker683 View Post
    She doesn't really sound like an ISFJ to me...
    what does she sound like to you?

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