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  1. #31
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Halfjillhalfjack, I think our situation is similar. Reading your posts, it's like you could have written my thoughts. I wish you luck with your friend as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by Space_Oddity View Post
    Umm... if I may ask, what does your friendship with her give you?

    From what your wrote your friendship doesn't really sound great, but we have to keep in mind that we're all human and nobody is perfect... The more we get really close to someone, the more their faults get exposed, but if we really like them we should accept them with all those faults. If your friend behaves like this, but otherwise she's wonderful and your friendship is rewarding, perhaps you should just come to terms with it (however hard it is). However, if you feel that she's been continuously hurting you and your friendship is not rewarding anymore, you're always free to leave.
    Part of my friends way of punishing me is to not let me experience the wonderful side of her.

  2. #32
    Aspiring Troens Ridder KLessard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    Okay, so I have a friend like this that I'm dealing with right now. I'm not sure of her type but I really don't know how to make her happy. She's high expectations of me, likes to know about and control every aspect of my life, is extremely sensitive, and non-communicative. She constantly gives me the silent treatment like she's disappointed in me and I never know why because she won't tell me! I ask but she won't talk. We've been friends since high school and I love her dearly but I've always had trouble reading her and I am often blindsided by the change in her moods and her silent treatment. Every time we've attempted to have conversations about this, she simply doesn't open up about it but clearly she seems disappointed in me and like she's expecting me to figure out on my own what will please her but I truly am lost though.
    OH MY WORD. This is so me and this ISFJ girl I know (been mentioned before). I'm the sullen one, easy disappointed and all. Your friend is INFJ. So this is how you feel about it? Tell me more!

  3. #33
    Senior Member Space_Oddity's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halfjillhalfjack View Post
    I think the problem is that it's really hard to say if what she gives me equals the difficulty of the friendship. she has always been there for me when I needed her, in that she has really given so so much. on the other hand I have really often feelt suffocated and put under pressure and have worried a great deal. coming to think about it I'd have to say that I worry much more about what I could have done wrong than enjoy the friendship. there is always some kind of subtle pressure that I feel..... I really can't decide at the moment .... it's neither a clear yes nor a clear no....
    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly
    Part of my friends way of punishing me is to not let me experience the wonderful side of her.
    Well, regardless of the girls' types, this really reminds me of my experiences with the two INFJs. The only difference is that as a Fi-dom, I perceived it in a whole another way. It seems like you see your friends' behavior as "punishing you", "being disappointed in you", and it makes you sad because you would like to match the friends' expectations but don't know how... whereas for me, the constant feeling of pressure and suffocating stood out to me by far the most and it made me angry rather than unhappy. Maybe I also sensed that the friends were kind of disappointed in me but I found their reasons unreasonable and pathetic and I wasn't afraid to make this clear to them. Sometimes it worked, sometimes not... But I just found their expectations silly, I knew that I couldn't match them and I didn't even want to. I'm extremely manipulation-resistant, especially emotional manipulation, and this behavior screamed emotional manipulation to me.

    However, I'm a Fi-dom and for Fi-doms, the freedom of feeling is of the utmost importance; when an FJ starts to order me how I should feel the only feeling that comes is resentment. Maybe you are more suitable to endure this behavior and still stay friends with the girls. But regardless of your type, you don't seem to enjoy your friends' "punishing", so the only advice I can give you is... you don't always have to put your friends' feelings first. Your own feelings are just as important. Actually, they are more important. And by their behavior, your friends in fact show you that their own feelings are more important for them then yours - if they weren't, they wouldn't make you feel bad like that.

    Nevertheless, I wish you good luck and hope everything will work out just fine between you and your friends, for the benefit of you all.
    Her head hung down
    Gazed at earth, finally keen,
    As the rabbit at the stoat,
    Till the earth was sky,
    Sky that was green,
    And brown clouds passed
    Like chestnut leaves along the ground.

    - SUSAN ANN AND IMMORTALITY, T. E. Hulme

  4. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by Space_Oddity View Post
    Well, regardless of the girls' types, this really reminds me of my experiences with the two INFJs. The only difference is that as a Fi-dom, I perceived it in a whole another way. It seems like you see your friends' behavior as "punishing you", "being disappointed in you", and it makes you sad because you would like to match the friends' expectations but don't know how... whereas for me, the constant feeling of pressure and suffocating stood out to me by far the most and it made me angry rather than unhappy. Maybe I also sensed that the friends were kind of disappointed in me but I found their reasons unreasonable and pathetic and I wasn't afraid to make this clear to them. Sometimes it worked, sometimes not... But I just found their expectations silly, I knew that I couldn't match them and I didn't even want to. I'm extremely manipulation-resistant, especially emotional manipulation, and this behavior screamed emotional manipulation to me.

    However, I'm a Fi-dom and for Fi-doms, the freedom of feeling is of the utmost importance; when an FJ starts to order me how I should feel the only feeling that comes is resentment. Maybe you are more suitable to endure this behavior and still stay friends with the girls. But regardless of your type, you don't seem to enjoy your friends' "punishing", so the only advice I can give you is... you don't always have to put your friends' feelings first. Your own feelings are just as important. Actually, they are more important. And by their behavior, your friends in fact show you that their own feelings are more important for them then yours - if they weren't, they wouldn't make you feel bad like that.

    Nevertheless, I wish you good luck and hope everything will work out just fine between you and your friends, for the benefit of you all.
    Thank you for your reply! I really really can identify with what you say. With me it was that previously I always felt sad when I couldn't meet my friend's expectations, and what came along as well was an EXTREME feeling of guilt. really really really bad feeling. the thing is that I notice now that this feeling of sadness and guilt has turned to anger, and the reason is what you said about one's own feelings. the thing is that now I just realized my friend only seems to care for HER feelings. she expects me to care for her feelings and doesn't care for mine. but I have decided that I want about what I feel as well. if she should contact me again, I will tell her that she has not cared about my feelings, if she complains that I did not care for her feelings. realizing that my friend does not try to understand my feelings and obviously doesn't care about how I feel has really disappointed ME now .

  5. #35
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    Ah, and besides sadness and guilt I have also felt preassured before..... Even though emotional punishment works really well with me ...... I think if our friendship is going to endure, I will not give in to that kind of punishment-treatment. I don't know...sounds so harsh, but I also have feelings and I have decided that my feelings are also important.

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