User Tag List

First 1234 Last

Results 21 to 30 of 35

  1. #21
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    1,335

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by JTG1984 View Post
    I see nothing wrong with what the ISFJ did. She gave the OP the option and said if the OP didn't want to go she would give it to someone else. It's not like she kidnapped the OP brought him/her to the concert pointed a gun at his/her head and then asked for him/her to pay for it afterward.
    Yeah but chances are there is going to be some form of unnecessary resentment arising from the whole situation. It's sort of like "I don't expect you to go, but if you don't then well... our friendship is mostly going to take a little beating"

    No offence OP. But it doesn't sound like a particularly healthy friendship there... and while I know you aren't so keen on losing a friend. It might be a good idea to start standing your ground. From what's been written, it's almost as if she's started to take some aspects of you for granted since it's always been that way. Perhaps she's not aware of what sort of impact that system has on other people, that there is a little imbalance in regards to friendship.

    Sure. She could end the friendship. But then ask yourself this.
    Would someone that values friendship (especially a dedicated ISFJ) discard a friendship so easily?

    If she does. Well... I'm sorry to say, but your friendship wasn't that strong in the first place.

  2. #22
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    255

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Kai View Post
    Yeah but chances are there is going to be some form of unnecessary resentment arising from the whole situation. It's sort of like "I don't expect you to go, but if you don't then well... our friendship is mostly going to take a little beating"

    No offence OP. But it doesn't sound like a particularly healthy friendship there... and while I know you aren't so keen on losing a friend. It might be a good idea to start standing your ground. From what's been written, it's almost as if she's started to take some aspects of you for granted since it's always been that way. Perhaps she's not aware of what sort of impact that system has on other people, that there is a little imbalance in regards to friendship.

    Sure. She could end the friendship. But then ask yourself this.
    Would someone that values friendship (especially a dedicated ISFJ) discard a friendship so easily?

    If she does. Well... I'm sorry to say, but your friendship wasn't that strong in the first place.
    I absolutely agree with what you say! that's what I am beginning to think...!
    and this is why I have started to stand my ground. because I think there has something been going wrong and become one-sided (in me always giving in etc.). Even though she really means a lot to me, I have noticed that this is not everything in a friendship, if other things go wrong.
    thanks for your honesty!

  3. #23
    Senior Member Space_Oddity's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    MBTI
    CAT
    Posts
    359

    Default

    I don't get why people don't believe your friend is an ISFJ - her behavior has much more to do with her individual character, not personality type, and it's not really that important anyway. I experienced something similar in two friendships with INFJs when I was younger, but of course not all INFJs behave like this. May I ask you how old are you?

    In my case, the girls were both extremely insecure, needy, easily offended and had absolutely unrealistic demands of friendship (they rather regarded it as a romantic relationship or what). They were very lonely and often resorted to emotional blackmail when they felt bad. I think it was something like a defense mechanism, but paradoxically they were losing all of their friends because of it. I have to say I didn't endure it for long either, because I really value my freedom and the girls rather wanted to tie people to them. In fact, it seems to me that their insecurity made them borderline paranoid.

    If I were you, I would try to explain gently to your friend how you feel about your relationship. If you don't want to lose her you have to be very careful though, because she is likely to turn everything you said against you. I guess you primarily need to reassure her that you really care for her. But I have to say that if she ends your friendship, it's her loss, not yours. Alienating people is probably sort of a self-destructive behavior on her part, and she has to realize herself what she's doing.
    Her head hung down
    Gazed at earth, finally keen,
    As the rabbit at the stoat,
    Till the earth was sky,
    Sky that was green,
    And brown clouds passed
    Like chestnut leaves along the ground.

    - SUSAN ANN AND IMMORTALITY, T. E. Hulme

  4. #24
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    MBTI
    iSFj
    Enneagram
    2 sx/so
    Posts
    9,666

    Default

    I have SJ, SP, NT and NF friends /family that I have had this experience of them feeling very hurt or angry when I don't want to do something that they want me to do that they think is a great idea. The thing is, I kind of think it's normal for people who care about each other to do this (or maybe I just experience it a lot).

    How I have learned to deal with it is to assess the value of the relationship to me. I really don't think it's a good idea to just throw away people who mean a lot to you and are good to you, so more often than not, I will end up submitting and do so without being resentful because it's like give and take. They bring joy to my life so I do things they like.

    On the other hand, if you're experiencing mostly bad things/feelings from this friend, then let her go if she wants to go. Sometimes a little space is needed to recalibrate the intensity and expectations of the relationship.

  5. #25
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    MBTI
    iSFj
    Enneagram
    2 sx/so
    Posts
    9,666

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Space_Oddity View Post
    If I were you, I would try to explain gently to your friend how you feel about your relationship. If you don't want to lose her you have to be very careful though, because she is likely to turn everything you said against you. I guess you primarily need to reassure her that you really care for her. But I have to say that if she ends your friendship, it's her loss, not yours. Alienating people is probably sort of a self-destructive behavior on her part, and she has to realize herself what she's doing.
    Okay, so I have a friend like this that I'm dealing with right now. I'm not sure of her type but I really don't know how to make her happy. She's high expectations of me, likes to know about and control every aspect of my life, is extremely sensitive, and non-communicative. She constantly gives me the silent treatment like she's disappointed in me and I never know why because she won't tell me! I ask but she won't talk. We've been friends since high school and I love her dearly but I've always had trouble reading her and I am often blindsided by the change in her moods and her silent treatment. Every time we've attempted to have conversations about this, she simply doesn't open up about it but clearly she seems disappointed in me and like she's expecting me to figure out on my own what will please her but I truly am lost though.

  6. #26
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    255

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    Okay, so I have a friend like this that I'm dealing with right now. I'm not sure of her type but I really don't know how to make her happy. She's high expectations of me, likes to know about and control every aspect of my life, is extremely sensitive, and non-communicative. She constantly gives me the silent treatment like she's disappointed in me and I never know why because she won't tell me! I ask but she won't talk. We've been friends since high school and I love her dearly but I've always had trouble reading her and I am often blindsided by the change in her moods and her silent treatment. Every time we've attempted to have conversations about this, she simply doesn't open up about it but clearly she seems disappointed in me and like she's expecting me to figure out on my own what will please her but I truly am lost though.
    this could also be a decription of my friend...... she will only talk about what I have done wrong after I have begged her to, again and again. I have been doing this for so long, and somehow I am sick of it. since she doesn't do it in reverse..... I am sometimes like that, as well...but if I am disappointed, at some point I either just get over it, thinking "I also hurt other people though I love them", or mention what I am disappointed about....

  7. #27
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    MBTI
    iSFj
    Enneagram
    2 sx/so
    Posts
    9,666

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Halfjillhalfjack View Post
    this could also be a decription of my friend...... she will only talk about what I have done wrong after I have begged her to, again and again. I have been doing this for so long, and somehow I am sick of it. since she doesn't do it in reverse..... I am sometimes like that, as well...but if I am disappointed, at some point I either just get over it, thinking "I also hurt other people though I love them", or mention what I am disappointed about....
    My friend doesn't do it in reverse either. She has really hurt me in the past but I forgave her because I felt like people make mistakes. I never punished her or made her feel bad because of it because I had made up my mind to forgive her. But it did upset me that she never even apologized or acknowledged that I was hurt despite the fact that she knew that she did something wrong. I never told her that I was upset that she never apologized though, I just let it go. I have and do apologize to her whenever I feel like I have wronged her in some way but that is never enough. I notice that whenever she makes even little mistakes, she won't admit that she's wrong and will get REALLY mad and impatient with the person, and won't apologize for her attitude either (not that I expect that but I'm just remembering all of this right now and it's making me realize how her pride gets in the way of things).

    I have a couple of other people in my life like this too but they're not as close to me. I think there's something about me that attracts people like this.

  8. #28
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    255

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    My friend doesn't do it in reverse either. She has really hurt me in the past but I forgave her because I felt like people make mistakes. I never punished her or made her feel bad because of it because I had made up my mind to forgive her. But it did upset me that she never even apologized or acknowledged that I was hurt despite the fact that she knew that she did something wrong. I never told her that I was upset that she never apologized though, I just let it go. I have and do apologize to her whenever I feel like I have wronged her in some way but that is never enough. I notice that whenever she makes even little mistakes, she won't admit that she's wrong and will get REALLY mad and impatient with the person, and won't apologize for her attitude either (not that I expect that but I'm just remembering all of this right now and it's making me realize how her pride gets in the way of things).

    I have a couple of other people in my life like this too but they're not as close to me. I think there's something about me that attracts people like this.
    I think with my friend it's really similar like what you describe with your friend. If I appologize (what I did in this current issue, even though via email and sms), it's never enough.....if people appologize to me I use to accept it and think they mean what they are saying.....so I find it difficult if people expect to do other things of which I don't know what they are..... My friend also does not admit that she has done something wrong. I know this sounds kind fo unfair of me to say that, but it's rather always the others that make the mistakes..... I'm kind of fed up with this at the moment, even though she is close to me. I won't come beggin this time..... my other close friends are rather different, actually .... very forgiving. I really appreciate that. There are issues too, but usually we communicate and solve the problem.
    It's this punishing thing that my friend does as well. I find this really hard ... since I am a person who is rather sensitive towards those things, and I think she knows that and does it deliberately.
    I wish you good luck with your friend :/...

  9. #29
    Senior Member Space_Oddity's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    MBTI
    CAT
    Posts
    359

    Default

    Umm... if I may ask, what does your friendship with her give you?

    From what your wrote your friendship doesn't really sound great, but we have to keep in mind that we're all human and nobody is perfect... The more we get really close to someone, the more their faults get exposed, but if we really like them we should accept them with all those faults. If your friend behaves like this, but otherwise she's wonderful and your friendship is rewarding, perhaps you should just come to terms with it (however hard it is). However, if you feel that she's been continuously hurting you and your friendship is not rewarding anymore, you're always free to leave.
    Her head hung down
    Gazed at earth, finally keen,
    As the rabbit at the stoat,
    Till the earth was sky,
    Sky that was green,
    And brown clouds passed
    Like chestnut leaves along the ground.

    - SUSAN ANN AND IMMORTALITY, T. E. Hulme

  10. #30
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    255

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Space_Oddity View Post
    Umm... if I may ask, what does your friendship with her give you?

    From what your wrote your friendship doesn't really sound great, but we have to keep in mind that we're all human and nobody is perfect... The more we get really close to someone, the more their faults get exposed, but if we really like them we should accept them with all those faults. If your friend behaves like this, but otherwise she's wonderful and your friendship is rewarding, perhaps you should just come to terms with it (however hard it is). However, if you feel that she's been continuously hurting you and your friendship is not rewarding anymore, you're always free to leave.
    I think the problem is that it's really hard to say if what she gives me equals the difficulty of the friendship. she has always been there for me when I needed her, in that she has really given so so much. on the other hand I have really often feelt suffocated and put under pressure and have worried a great deal. coming to think about it I'd have to say that I worry much more about what I could have done wrong than enjoy the friendship. there is always some kind of subtle pressure that I feel..... I really can't decide at the moment .... it's neither a clear yes nor a clear no....

Similar Threads

  1. Problems with my ISFJ best friend :(.... do you know things like these?
    By Halfjillhalfjack in forum The SJ Guardhouse (ESFJ, ISFJ, ESTJ, ISTJ)
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 02-01-2010, 11:39 AM
  2. [ISFJ] Problems with my ISFJ Partner
    By Synthetic Darkness in forum The SJ Guardhouse (ESFJ, ISFJ, ESTJ, ISTJ)
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 11-18-2009, 02:44 PM
  3. Type my EX-best friend!
    By KarenParker in forum What's my Type?
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: 10-08-2009, 06:04 PM
  4. [ENFJ] How do you know if ENFJs want to be friends?
    By EmilyINFP in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: 03-23-2009, 10:50 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO