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  1. #11
    Senior Member wrldisquiethere's Avatar
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    Have you tried giving him time to prepare for the "serious" conversations? I know for me I usually need quite a bit of time to process things. I need to feel prepared before I can speak. What about next time saying to him, "I really feel like we need to talk about such and such. Can we discuss it tomorrow evening over coffee?" It might help if he feels like he has enough time to prepare himself first.

    I love INFPs but one thing I've noticed is that sometimes I am surprised by the serious conversations. Somehow I never see them coming. It takes me awhile to adjust before I can sort out my thoughts enough to respond.
    Si, Fe equal Fi & Ti

    "I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it." -Mitch Hedberg

  2. #12
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    It sounds like you may see him as perfect and you need to SEE that he is not perfect.

    I don't know how to tell you how to make him show you that he's not perfect but I'm sure that if you keep poking and prodding at him, he will show you.

    I suspect that this will continue to bother you until then and it may be an ongoing future problem.

  3. #13
    Senior Member GirlFromMars's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wrldisquiethere View Post
    I love INFPs but one thing I've noticed is that sometimes I am surprised by the serious conversations. Somehow I never see them coming. It takes me awhile to adjust before I can sort out my thoughts enough to respond.
    Ha, yeah, I can see that. It's because it seems like it comes from nowhere, I think that's probably an N thing? It's just that I'm thinking about things, even if there is no conversation going on that relates to it. Oftentimes I've been thinking about it alll day, then finally get to come out with it. I know that I can be too serious though. Thanks.

    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly
    It sounds like you may see him as perfect and you need to SEE that he is not perfect.

    I don't know how to tell you how to make him show you that he's not perfect but I'm sure that if you keep poking and prodding at him, he will show you.

    I suspect that this will continue to bother you until then and it may be an ongoing future problem.
    Nah, nobody is perfect. He is pretty amazing though, to me, just because I'm in love with him and he's a really good guy. I'm not sure why you think I think he's perfect? It's not a huge problem. We have a very good relationship, it just can be a bit of a problem at times. It's not enough to spoil our relationship though. My main reasons for posting this thread is because I worry about him when he's in passive mode, and I think he's not talking about his feelings.
    INFP~ 4w5 ~ sx/sp ~ IEI ~ Libra

  4. #14
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GirlFromMars View Post
    Nah, nobody is perfect. He is pretty amazing though, to me, just because I'm in love with him and he's a really good guy. I'm not sure why you think I think he's perfect? It's not a huge problem. We have a very good relationship, it just can be a bit of a problem at times. It's not enough to spoil our relationship though. My main reasons for posting this thread is because I worry about him when he's in passive mode, and I think he's not talking about his feelings.

    I don't think he's perfect, no ones perfect. I said that because I've heard people with your same complaint before that was the reason they had the complaint, but if you don't feel that way then that's good.

    The issue you express can be a complicated though. Sometimes I feel like talking about feelings in a negative situation is uncalled for and sometimes it can do more damage to an already unfavorable situation when you talk about them. It seems to be a toss up... sometimes there's good results when I talk about my feelings and sometimes there's bad results. I know this is frustrating to those who are curious about what I am feeling but I try to deal with it on my own and not drag another person down over problems that are my own, especially someone that I care about. I think there was even some research done a while ago that suggested that talking about feelings is not always productive. I find myself searching for the patience to deal with people who feel the need to express their every single negative feeling or thought so I do find it to be slightly unappealing. If I feel that way about someone else doing it, but will be patient with them anyway, its unlikely that I will do it myself.

    edit: I found that article.

    Not Talking About Some Things May Be Ok | Psych Central News

  5. #15
    Not Your Therapist Sinmara's Avatar
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    Ok, coming back to touch on another point.

    Quote Originally Posted by Windigo View Post
    I would say that your need to be emotionally validated through words is going to take a beating unless you can learn to read your boyfriend's way of communicating his love to you. As long as he is spending time with you (companionship) and having fun with you and doing things for you, he's got VERY intense feelings for you and you're good. Don't push for poetry or deep insights into their feelings.
    Quote Originally Posted by wrldisquiethere View Post
    Have you tried giving him time to prepare for the "serious" conversations? I know for me I usually need quite a bit of time to process things. I need to feel prepared before I can speak. What about next time saying to him, "I really feel like we need to talk about such and such. Can we discuss it tomorrow evening over coffee?" It might help if he feels like he has enough time to prepare himself first.

    I love INFPs but one thing I've noticed is that sometimes I am surprised by the serious conversations. Somehow I never see them coming. It takes me awhile to adjust before I can sort out my thoughts enough to respond.
    ISFJs need time. Time to think, time to self-examine, time to figure out how they really feel about something. You can't give them a question and expect them to immediately spring back with an answer. I'm not saying that he's going to ponder the benefits of 1% vs 2% milk in the dairy aisle for an hour, but if it's something important, he's going to want to make what he feels is the right choice. If he's rushed into anything, he's going to have feelings of regret, and possibly resentment, that he wasn't allowed to think about it.

    When I pose an issue to my boyfriend, the discussion seems to take place in stages. First I lay out what the issue is and we talk enough for him to get the general idea of what I'm saying. Then that evening or the next day, we talk a little more for clarification so he can make sure that he has a correct grasp of what the issue is. Then throughout the following week, he'll bring it up every so often to talk to me about his thoughts concerning the issue, basically touching bases with me to see how I feel about the conclusions he's come to, and he'll take what I say into consideration and go back to sorting things out.

    This process will continue for as long as it has to until his thoughts have arrived at a final resting place and he's made his final decision about what his true feelings and opinion is.

    The bigger the issue, the longer it'll take him to make a decision of how he feels about it, especially if it involves making people unhappy. He stayed in an abusive relationship with his ex-wife for 8 years when he knew that he wanted out by year 2. He only just recently came to a final decision about a huge, huge problem within our circle of friends that came up a year ago. In each case, he went through every possibility, considered the opinions from each side of the situation, how he would deal with things if he had to make an unpopular decision, etc -- he went through every minute aspect of the situation thoroughly in his head. He had to be at peace with the idea that he was going to hurt people with his decision before he went through with it.

    He tends to come to the right decision, but it takes time. If I try to make him make a snap decision about something fairly involved or important, he'll become very stressed and upset. He doesn't like feeling as though I'm putting him on the spot.

    My ISFJ best friend is the same way. We've been talking about her moving to California and living with me for years now, but even though she would love to and she knows she'll be happy out here with me, she's taking her time in making the choice to move out here because it means she'll have to leave her (worthless) family and (selfish) friends to start a new life. However badly they treat her and however unhappy they make her, she still has ties to them and she wants to make her exit as painless for everyone as possible, because having to deal with people being upset at her would be horrible.

    I like to think of ISFJs as lovable little turtles. I gotta have patience.

  6. #16
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pettycure View Post
    Ok, coming back to touch on another point.





    ISFJs need time. Time to think, time to self-examine, time to figure out how they really feel about something. You can't give them a question and expect them to immediately spring back with an answer. I'm not saying that he's going to ponder the benefits of 1% vs 2% milk in the dairy aisle for an hour, but if it's something important, he's going to want to make what he feels is the right choice. If he's rushed into anything, he's going to have feelings of regret, and possibly resentment, that he wasn't allowed to think about it.

    When I pose an issue to my boyfriend, the discussion seems to take place in stages. First I lay out what the issue is and we talk enough for him to get the general idea of what I'm saying. Then that evening or the next day, we talk a little more for clarification of so he can make sure that he has a correct grasp of what the issue is. Then throughout the following week, he'll bring it up every so often to talk to me about his thoughts concerning the issue, basically touching bases with me to see how I feel about the conclusions he's come to, and he'll take what I say into consideration and go back to sorting things out.

    This process will continue for as long as it has to until his thoughts have arrived at a final resting place and he's made his final decision about what his true feelings and opinion is.

    The bigger the issue, the longer it'll take him to make a decision of how he feels about it, especially if it involves making people unhappy. He stayed in an abusive relationship with his ex-wife for 8 years when he knew that he wanted out by year 2. He only just recently came to a final decision about a huge, huge problem within our circle of friends that came up a year ago. In each case, he went through every possibility, considered the opinions from each side of the situation, how he would deal with things if he had to make an unpopular decision, etc -- he went through every minute aspect of the situation thoroughly in his head. He had to be at peace with the idea that he was going to hurt people with his decision before he went through with it.

    He tends to come to the right decision, but it takes time. If I try to make him make a snap decision about something fairly involved or important, he'll become very stressed and upset. He doesn't like feeling as though I'm putting him on the spot.

    My ISFJ best friend is the same way. We've been talking about her moving to California and living with me for a years now, but even though she would love to and she knows she'll be happy out here with me, she's taking her time in making the choice to move out here because it means she'll have to leave her (worthless) family and (selfish) friends to start a new life. However badly they treat her and however unhappy they make her, she still has ties to them and she wants to make her exit as painless for everyone as possible, because having to deal with people being upset at her would be horrible.

    I like to think of ISFJs as lovable little turtles. I gotta have patience.
    I just want to say: You have an amazing grasp on how ISFJs (at least me) function.

  7. #17
    Not Your Therapist Sinmara's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kai View Post
    I just want to say: You have an amazing grasp on how ISFJs (at least me) function.
    Thank you! I've apparently been collecting you ISFJ people for years without realizing it so I guess it's all just from experience.

  8. #18
    Senior Member wrldisquiethere's Avatar
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    Yes, good post Pettycure.
    Si, Fe equal Fi & Ti

    "I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it." -Mitch Hedberg

  9. #19
    Senior Member GirlFromMars's Avatar
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    Thank you! Lots of helpful advice here. I appreciate it. Patience.
    INFP~ 4w5 ~ sx/sp ~ IEI ~ Libra

  10. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pettycure View Post


    I like to think of ISFJs as lovable little turtles. I gotta have patience.
    This is a good way for me to remember to deal with my daughter . . . as an ENTJ I tend to steamroll her to much and then I feel horrible. I'm always projecting what I think she's thinking and getting mad at her.

    She's learned how to state very quietly . . . you think you know me, but you don't.

    Ouch that hurts, but it gets me to shut up and listen! She always comes back and talks to me and she's very forgiving. Yeah, she's my lovable turtle.

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