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[ESFJ] How do you show ESFJ's you care?

Wiley45

New member
Joined
Mar 3, 2009
Messages
669
MBTI Type
INFP
I have a very hard time relating to certain female ESFJ's. What kinds of things could I do to show that I care? We don't even seem to speak the same language.
 

nozflubber

DoubleplusUngoodNonperson
Joined
Mar 30, 2008
Messages
2,078
MBTI Type
Hype
emmmm, im no expert with them, but I think they are like ESTPs in that they just like seeing some kind of overt effort - physical effort to hang with them, talking to them etc. Not words but action oriented effort. Making time for them will probably go very far.
 

JocktheMotie

Habitual Fi LineStepper
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
8,491
Do stuff for them, in a manner that indicates to them you care. That's the nice thing about ESJs that I have found, is that what they appreciate is usually pretty apparent and thus easy to do. For example, my ESJ really likes flowers, so if I mess up or for no reason at all I'll just send some to her work, because I know she equates flowers with apology or feeling, and she likes feeling successful. The public display always makes her feel better because she gets to tell people her bf got them for her, blah blah blah blah, girly girly stuff.

So just find out what she likes.
 

JoSunshine

That's my name biotch!
Joined
Dec 17, 2009
Messages
659
MBTI Type
eNfj
Enneagram
2
ESFJs want to feel needed (for what they do more so than who they are in my experience) and helpful. Let them know how much you appreciate the things they do for you and make them feel as though they are helping make your life better.

It also helps, like Jock says, to do nice things for them. I find that words are appreciated, but tangible things (gifts, time, effort) seem to hold the most weight - they are "don't tell me show me" people, imo.
 

teslashock

Geolectric
Joined
Oct 27, 2009
Messages
1,690
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w6
Just tell her that you really enjoyed the pie she made for you when you were under the weather, and then say that you don't see how you could possibly live without that pie in your life, and ask for the recipe or for her to make it again some time.
 

Bri

New member
Joined
Jan 5, 2010
Messages
106
MBTI Type
INTJ
The ESFJs I know tend to value tradition rather highly, so I imagine any of the 'usual' courting rituals and displays of affection would work well. As Jock said above - flowers are good, also things like cute post-it notes on the dashboard of her car, greeting cards, dinner reservations, etc. Aim to do obvious things for her, not just subtle things.
 
G

Glycerine

Guest
Make sure you tell them how much you appreciate their help and do something out of the blue for them. Since many of them love to help others, I think they secretly love it when others consider them or help them for a change.

EDIT: JoSunshine, I wrote down pretty much the exact same before I saw your post... :doh: lol
 

neptunesnet

man-made
Joined
Sep 5, 2009
Messages
1,228
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
5&4
Instinctual Variant
sx
^

That.

Also, listen to them. Show an interest in what they have to say. I suppose that goes for any type, but from ESFJs I know they tell me that they love that I listen to them and take them seriously.
 

d@v3

Perfect Gentleman! =D
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
2,830
MBTI Type
ISTJ
Telling them bluntly is helps, but make sure you use your ACTIONS to show ANY SJ type that you care. :yes:
 

pure_mercury

Order Now!
Joined
Feb 28, 2008
Messages
6,946
MBTI Type
ESFJ
ESxJ's are the ultimate in the "telling isn't selling" school of thought. You have to demonstrate how you feel. Doing nice things and remembering small details = good.
 

Wiley45

New member
Joined
Mar 3, 2009
Messages
669
MBTI Type
INFP
Thanks, everyone. I'm going to put your suggestions to use. (Except for the flowers and courting part, since I don't want to date any of them.) :)
 

wrldisquiethere

New member
Joined
Apr 2, 2009
Messages
233
MBTI Type
xSFJ
Enneagram
2w1
Little things. Biggest thing is look and see what they do for others and then do those same things for them. If I leave my fiancee a little note on the dashboard of the truck, it would show him that those little things are the kind of things I value, as well. (Not that I would do it just so I would get the same thing back in return...I'm just saying it shows what I value.) It comes naturally to people to show love in the way they like to receive love, so I think you can often look at what someone does to others to demonstrate their care for them and then emulate those characteristics when dealing with that person.

For me, I like little details. I like people making small efforts for me that show me they're thinking of me. If someone calls me in the middle of the day to tell me a little story they know I'll enjoy, I love that. I LOVE getting little cards or notes. Those little things mean more to me than big things most of the time.

I'd also say learn to show some initiative. We ESFJs are natural planners and organizers. I enjoy it, but I often get to the place where I feel I'm the only one who makes effort. It really hurts me when I am constantly depended on to make the plans. It shows me someone cares when they take initiative and they plan something for ME.
 

tinker683

Whackus Bonkus
Joined
Nov 8, 2009
Messages
2,882
MBTI Type
ISFJ
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Wow. I dated an ESFJ and I thought they were the easiest people to show affection too. But then maybe that's because I'm their introverted counterpart.

In any event, I found that blunt, overt displays work best. Flowers, poetry, dinner dates, etc. Don't be afraid to randomly tell them or show them how much you appreciate them, just for being them.
 
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