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  1. #1
    Junior Member gracefully's Avatar
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    Default ISFJ is sick of being looked down upon!

    I have been friends with an INTJ for over five years now.I am thinking of breaking off my friendship with her because of the way she treats me. I am really sick of the way she looks down at me. She even told me to my face that I am "simple" and "boring."I tried to let comments like this slide, but she kept doing it again

    After graduating from college, I applied to a secretarial job and she looked down on me again, insinuating how I can enjoy doing routine jobs, which to her is so boring. In contrast, I have stayed supportive of her career 100%.

    I understand that others might interpret her as being rational and objective (as an INTJ)--however how can I not feel affected when she is attacking my person?

    I also understand that she is a Thinker and Intuitive, so she can see possiblities about the future and she is more confident in her abilities. But, the way she makes me feel like I am inferior and second class citizen.

    I have been a good friend to her, always there when she needs me and been supportive no matter what. . Even when we go out, I let her lead as she wants to.

    I have to draw the line. I am planning on ending this friendship this year, and hopefully this is the right choice. I don't like being used or being treated as doormats.

  2. #2
    Riva
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    I have to draw the line. I am planning on ending this friendship this year, and hopefully this is the right choice. I don't like being used or being treated as doormats.
    You don't have to end the relationship with her.

    Just stand up to her and say not to treat you the way she treats you. And tell her how she feels.

    Rub it on her face. Tell her how cruel of her to treat her own friends that way.

    The issue with you seems to be that you don't stand up to her when she treats you that way. It is not her fault. It is your fault. Yes it is.

    She treats you bad and you tolerate it because why?

    You don't care? well can't be that because you do care. you are human.
    Or
    Is it because you are scared to confront her? Well if this is the reason I think you deserve to be treated this way because you don't seem to have the confidence in your self.

    If you don't have confidence in your self how could you expect her to have confidence in you and treat you how you want her to treat you (respectfully.)

    -------------

    I am confident if you stand up to her she would change her ways. If she doesn't then end it. End the relationship.

    But even if you do end the relationship you would have the satisfaction of knowing that you did the right thing and you stood up to her.



    Good luck.

  3. #3
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    All of my irl friends since I was a kid have been like this, except one. Being around them is a toss up between good feelings and bad feelings and sometimes at the same time so it's really confusing. My only advice is to do what Curzon suggested and at least let her know how you feel and give her a chance to treat you better before ending the friendship. There may be contributing factors that she wants to discuss with you too.

  4. #4
    Riva
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    let her know how you feel and give her a chance to treat you better before ending the friendship. There may be contributing factors that she wants to discuss with you too.
    Exactly.

  5. #5
    Junior Member gracefully's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Curzon View Post
    You don't have to end the relationship with her.

    Just stand up to her and say not to treat you the way she treats you. And tell her how she feels.

    Rub it on her face. Tell her how cruel of her to treat her own friends that way.

    The issue with you seems to be that you don't stand up to her when she treats you that way. It is not her fault. It is your fault. Yes it is.

    She treats you bad and you tolerate it because why?

    You don't care? well can't be that because you do care. you are human.
    Or
    Is it because you are scared to confront her? Well if this is the reason I think you deserve to be treated this way because you don't seem to have the confidence in your self.

    If you don't have confidence in your self how could you expect her to have confidence in you and treat you how you want her to treat you (respectfully.)

    -------------

    I am confident if you stand up to her she would change her ways. If she doesn't then end it. End the relationship.

    But even if you do end the relationship you would have the satisfaction of knowing that you did the right thing and you stood up to her.



    Good luck.
    I have stood up to her, in a non directive and confrontational way. I explained to her, more or less, in a calm manner that Different stokes apply to different people. People have different strengths and weaknesses. And that she can't expect me to be "intelligent" and "creative" as her because I have a different personality and assets. However, she doesn't seem to understand that, and continues with the behavior.

    I don't know, it just really frustrates me. I know it's time to end this friendship because I feel beaten "down" after hanging out with her. I just feel like I have to change who I am in her presence, as if there is somewhat a deficiency being an ISFJ.

    Anyway, thank you for comment. I'm still trying to sort things in my mind...

  6. #6
    Riva
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    I have stood up to her, in a non directive and confrontational way. I explained to her, more or less, in a calm manner that Different stokes apply to different people. People have different strengths and weaknesses. And that she can't expect me to be "intelligent" and "creative" as her because I have a different personality and assets. However, she doesn't seem to understand that, and continues with the behavior.
    She sounds like a bitch. Does she have a tail?

    I don't know, it just really frustrates me. I know it's time to end this friendship because I feel beaten "down" after hanging out with her. I just feel like I have to change who I am in her presence, as if there is somewhat a deficiency being an ISFJ.

    Anyway, thank you for comment. I'm still trying to sort things in my mind...
    I think you should do what you feel. Not do what is right when it comes to situations like this.

    And luckily for you what you feel and the right thing to do are the same in this circumstance.

    Do what you feel.

    Besides it would be YOUR decision.

  7. #7
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Curzon View Post
    The issue with you seems to be that you don't stand up to her when she treats you that way. It is not her fault. It is your fault. Yes it is.
    Good luck navigating social situations with this assumption in mind, really. Let's go one step further: it's women's fault when they get raped.
    ENTj 7-3-8 sx/sp

  8. #8
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Curzon View Post
    You don't have to end the relationship with her.

    Just stand up to her and say not to treat you the way she treats you. And tell her how she feels.

    Rub it on her face. Tell her how cruel of her to treat her own friends that way.

    The issue with you seems to be that you don't stand up to her when she treats you that way. It is not her fault. It is your fault. Yes it is.

    She treats you bad and you tolerate it because why?

    -------------

    I am confident if you stand up to her she would change her ways. If she doesn't then end it. End the relationship.

    But even if you do end the relationship you would have the satisfaction of knowing that you did the right thing and you stood up to her.



    Good luck.
    IMHO - Don't rub anything in anybody's face and don't break anything off. As someone with a lot of experience with INTJ/ISFJ relationships, I can recommend that you just be direct and tell her how you feel. I think you don't like confrontation, which is understandable, but it doesn't need to be that way. INTJs like directness and honesty. They appreciate this.

    She is probably just not thinking through things with the right lens. She probably has a great deal of respect for you and thinks you are capable of so much more. She sees your great interpersonal skills and wishes she had some of them. You need to educate her on what you want out of life and how your goals in life are different than hers.

  9. #9
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    I'll bet, if she's held onto to talking to you for 5 years, she really cares for you. If someone was really annoyed and sickened by their friend's life choices, especially an INTJ, I can't seem them maintaining close contact, moreless nagging them to 'fix' it.

    I think you know there's a piece of her trying to help you.. but she's not comprehending that is ISN'T helping, it's HURTING. Sometimes people forget that what's good for one person isn't at all right for the other.

    I'd be confrontational. Not because you want to be, or because it always turns out well.. but.. If I were in her shoes, someone who avoids confrontation suddenly being so takes me by surprise. Maybe being confrontational and direct, but not crude or rude, will make her snap to attention and realize that she's doing damage to a relationship that's more important than her ideas on what's good for you.

    Be proud of who you are, and what you do. Don't let anyone cut you down because they think you're capable of more. Maybe you are, and you put those capabilities to use in other areas of life. "Being capable" doesn't have to equal a fancy huge career, or anything else. Success is defined in all different ways. Plus, what do you have to lose? You be direct and upfront and brash, and you still lose the friendship. So I don't see much of a downside.

    I hope your situation with your friend works out for the better, either way it goes.
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  10. #10
    The Architect Alwar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gracefully View Post
    However, she doesn't seem to understand that, and continues with the behavior.
    Sever ties as planned, the sooner the better I say.

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