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  1. #21
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alwar View Post
    Sever ties as planned, the sooner the better I say.
    Agreed. You don't need that. Friends don't treat each other like inferior life forms. Not even the friends who wear golden eagle hats.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
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    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  2. #22
    Senior Member Two Point Two's Avatar
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    I don't know enough about your friendship, you, her, or your situation to offer much advice, but I will say that it sounds like she's being outright mean, and that being an INTJ is in fact not in any way an excuse for this.

    We may sometimes seem like blunt and inconsiderate robots, but we aren't quite so oblivious as to not know that calling a friend boring and simple is hurtful. There's a difference between accidentally saying something with potential hurtful implications and saying something outright that can't really be interpreted any other way.

    I could be wrong, though - if you want ot give her the benefit of the doubt, then talk to her openly about it. Tell her that it upsets you when she says things like this; that you feel as though she's looking down on you. If she values your friendship, she'll stop doing it.

  3. #23
    Pumpernickel
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    I think of all types, INTJs are MOST oblivious to how their actions affect people. None of my INTJ friends even notice if i scowl at them or roll my eyes at something they say. That is generally the nature of inferior Se.

    I think someone here gave a good suggestion about writing an email rather than confronting her in person. You really SHOULD confront her, and if you can't do it in person, there are all sorts of other ways you could do it that you could be more comfortable with. Maybe you could try getting a mutual friend to explain this to her. I really don't think she is doing it on purpose. And just because you mentioned it once, and in a subtle way, it doesn't mean that it registered with her in any way. When my ISFJ mom "confronts" me, I don't even realize it is happening until my sister tells me later and I become entirely confused.

    As far as being called simple and boring, my NTJ friends and I call each other worse things on a daily basis, in jest.

  4. #24
    Freshman Member simulatedworld's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gracefully View Post
    I have been friends with an INTJ for over five years now.I am thinking of breaking off my friendship with her because of the way she treats me. I am really sick of the way she looks down at me. She even told me to my face that I am "simple" and "boring."I tried to let comments like this slide, but she kept doing it again

    After graduating from college, I applied to a secretarial job and she looked down on me again, insinuating how I can enjoy doing routine jobs, which to her is so boring. In contrast, I have stayed supportive of her career 100%.

    I understand that others might interpret her as being rational and objective (as an INTJ)--however how can I not feel affected when she is attacking my person?

    I also understand that she is a Thinker and Intuitive, so she can see possiblities about the future and she is more confident in her abilities. But, the way she makes me feel like I am inferior and second class citizen.

    I have been a good friend to her, always there when she needs me and been supportive no matter what. . Even when we go out, I let her lead as she wants to.

    I have to draw the line. I am planning on ending this friendship this year, and hopefully this is the right choice. I don't like being used or being treated as doormats.
    Well, I assume you've already tried talking to her about this.

    If that didn't work then breaking off friendship is probably for the best. It's true that ISFJs get taken advantage of more than most others.

    For what it's worth, though, ISFJ is by far the coolest SJ type, imo.
    If you could be anything you want, I bet you'd be disappointed--am I right?

  5. #25
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gracefully View Post
    I have been friends with an INTJ for over five years now.I am thinking of breaking off my friendship with her because of the way she treats me. I am really sick of the way she looks down at me. She even told me to my face that I am "simple" and "boring."I tried to let comments like this slide, but she kept doing it again

    After graduating from college, I applied to a secretarial job and she looked down on me again, insinuating how I can enjoy doing routine jobs, which to her is so boring. In contrast, I have stayed supportive of her career 100%.

    I understand that others might interpret her as being rational and objective (as an INTJ)--however how can I not feel affected when she is attacking my person?

    I also understand that she is a Thinker and Intuitive, so she can see possiblities about the future and she is more confident in her abilities. But, the way she makes me feel like I am inferior and second class citizen.

    I have been a good friend to her, always there when she needs me and been supportive no matter what. . Even when we go out, I let her lead as she wants to.

    I have to draw the line. I am planning on ending this friendship this year, and hopefully this is the right choice. I don't like being used or being treated as doormats.
    Why even think in term of "ending" a friendship? Just speak your mind at all times and interact with her as much as you feel compelled to. No need to "formally" end something that might not even have been there in first place.

  6. #26
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gracefully View Post
    I have stood up to her, in a non directive and confrontational way. I explained to her, more or less, in a calm manner that Different stokes apply to different people. People have different strengths and weaknesses. And that she can't expect me to be "intelligent" and "creative" as her because I have a different personality and assets. However, she doesn't seem to understand that, and continues with the behavior.

    I don't know, it just really frustrates me. I know it's time to end this friendship because I feel beaten "down" after hanging out with her. I just feel like I have to change who I am in her presence, as if there is somewhat a deficiency being an ISFJ.

    Anyway, thank you for comment. I'm still trying to sort things in my mind...
    I missed this post. The way Curzon pointed it out may be a bit obnoxious, but I stand corrected (somewhat).

    I do think there is real potential for conflict between the two types because their functions are opposite. ISFJs are some of the most sincere, trustworthy, and nice people that I know. They are always doing things for other people. However, what I have seen is that they do avoid conflict, things can build up, and at some point, it can come out with an overly-strong reaction. That may not be the case here - I don't know.

    In either case, if your friend doesn't appreciate you for who you are, makes you feel bad, and you have let her know that the way she speaks to you at times really hurts your feelings, and she ignores this, then maybe you shouldn't be spending time with her.

  7. #27
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    Wow, what was the context of being called "simple" and "boring"? I am trying to consider a scenario where I would not be immediately very insulted and end the conversation. It's a big difference if someone calls your outfit "boring" or tells you that you have "simple needs" to telling someone they are "boring" (period) and "simple" (period).

    I think more important than the relationship with the INTJ here is the principle - don't let anyone make you feel like crap. You do NOT have to put up with it. And often the simplest thing - just speaking up and saying it out loud - makes a world of difference. This is an extremely important life lesson to learn now. There will be many more people like the INTJ in your life.

    If the relationship ends, it ends, but you owe it yourself and even to her to explain yourself. At least give her a chance.

    But for sure, tell her how insulting her comments are to you and more importantly, how you feel she looks down upon you and why. Tell her you don't need her to agree with your life choices but you need to be treated with respect. You can also put a little bite into it and say how ironic you think it is that an INTJ (her) would call someone else boring. Explain to her that there are many faults of hers that you could point out, unsolicitied, but you don't because of X, Y, Z reasons and that is why you take offense when she does it to you, in the way that she does.

    I think from that point once you tell her how you feel it will all be about how good you both are at communicating. If she's willing and able, she might tell you that she does respect you and she is just talking to you like she talks to "everyone else". A good response here is that you are *not* "everyone else" and that you've invested enough in each other to be worth a little more effort. Etc.

    Honestly, I've seen similar confrontations/conversations go either way, to an extreme. So much is out of your hands and so much relies on both of your comfort levels with confrontation. So I wouldn't worry too much past the part where you say your piece. The goal here is to get it all off your chest (in a constructive way) and put the ball in her court. That should be your focus.

    At the very least, it will be a good exercise and opportunity for you.

    Tell us how it goes!
    +1

  8. #28
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Curzon View Post
    That is not what I meant at all.

    And you are blowing things out of context.

    What I meant was if a friend of you is treating you in a certain manner which is not acceptable but if you continue to let her treat you that way without telling her that she is doing something wrong or that you (the victim) doesn't like to be treated that way it is your fault for not standing up to her and saying how you feel.

    -----------------------------

    A woman being raped by a man is a totally different context. The two situations cannot be compared. They (rape is not) are not open for discussions.

    -----------------------------

    But of course you wouldn't understand the difference since you seem to believe that rape is a social situation.
    Lol, [edited]
    Last edited by Bellflower; 01-18-2010 at 10:38 AM. Reason: removed insult
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  9. #29
    Junior Member TheGolfCourse's Avatar
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    Just lay down the law with the INTJ and say what you feel. Many good INTJs are kept in check by being reminded of the perceptions and feelings of others, as it's often not their priority. Hopefully you come out of your situation happy in the end!
    The greatest revenge is living well.

  10. #30
    Senior Member FeatheredFrenzy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheGolfCourse View Post
    Just lay down the law with the INTJ and say what you feel. Many good INTJs are kept in check by being reminded of the perceptions and feelings of others, as it's often not their priority. Hopefully you come out of your situation happy in the end!
    Do you guys think this is a natural part of friendship? (honest question)

    I normally just EXPECT respect and decency. Is that unrealistic? I don't believe in having to police people.

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