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[SJ] SJ and the need for excessive control

Snow Turtle

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Joined
May 28, 2007
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1,335
I notice that this is one of the more negative trait that SJs are often known for. So to drag up an old topic...

Anybody feel like they need lots of control? Why do you do it?
 
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Sam Spade

New member
Joined
Jun 24, 2009
Messages
71
MBTI Type
ISTj
I do and my theory is because I was forced to move around as a kid (over 10 times and every 2 years on average) and thus had zero control. My life would pretty much end with every move since I knew I wouldn't see friends again, etc. I hate the idea of an outsider taking control of my life without my input.
 

EJCC

The Devil of TypoC
Joined
Aug 29, 2008
Messages
19,129
MBTI Type
ESTJ
Enneagram
1w9
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
I feel like I need a comprehensive life plan for the next decade. People keep telling me that it's not really possible to do that at this point in my life, but I still feel like I need that sort of control. I'm trying to get over that, currently...
 

Max

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Jul 13, 2009
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471
MBTI Type
ISTP
I feel like I need a comprehensive life plan for the next decade. People keep telling me that it's not really possible to do that at this point in my life, but I still feel like I need that sort of control. I'm trying to get over that, currently...

Once again, you've already given my input for me.

What I really want specifically is my own secure, permanent home in Lakeland, and to not have to worry about moving or getting kicked out, or having to mooch off of somebody.

And of course, I'm always getting told by those around me (mostly Ps), Every day is a new day. While that and spontaneity may work for them, it makes me uncomfortable. And then they don't like to be confronted with schedules or plans or thinking far ahead, while that's what I really need.
 

NewEra

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Dec 21, 2008
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3,104
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I
Eh I don't really like too much control, but I do want to control the future because generally I don't like the feeling of not knowing what lies ahead. Also I like to control the little things, like where I sit and such.
 

d@v3

Perfect Gentleman! =D
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
2,830
MBTI Type
ISTJ
I don't like to control people, but I like to control things that go on.

For instance, my girlfriend can do whatever she wants, but I like to plan things so I don't overlap important activities. :yes:
 

Saslou

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Feb 1, 2009
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4,910
MBTI Type
ESFJ
Excessive control .. In the past, hell yes. I needed to have control over everything and anything .. Everything needed to work exactly the way i wanted it too.

Lately .. Shit happens if you have control over it or not, so let it go and just handle what life throws at you when it happens. I have balanced my J with my Pness :D

Control = Stress .. I don't like stress so i don't want to control.
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
I don't like to control people, but I like to control things that go on.

For instance, my girlfriend can do whatever she wants, but I like to plan things so I don't overlap important activities. :yes:

That's me right there. I don't want to control my girl; I just don't want her to run amuck and mess stuff up. :yes:
 

alexx

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Dec 30, 2008
Messages
503
MBTI Type
ENFP
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2w1
That's me right there. I don't want to control my girl; I just don't want her to run amuck and mess stuff up. :yes:

O man see! This is what I mean. Why are you with her if you honestly think she is going to run amok and "Mess things up?".
 

Bubbles

See Right Through Me
Joined
Mar 13, 2009
Messages
1,037
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w3
My mother, ISTJ, likes knowing that she's got everything under control, because the instant something goes amiss she panics. :tongue: I would know, since she's a bit of a mother hen and doesn't like her chickadees to run too far...ENFP dad thinks she has control problems with letting us grow up. :blush:
 

alexx

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Dec 30, 2008
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ENFP
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2w1
A parent is one thing, a partnership with 2 adults is another. MANY parents are helicopter parents - always hovering about.

It is not the responsibility of one person in a relationship to supervise the other so that they don't interfere with their perfectly planned life.
 

alexx

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Dec 30, 2008
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ENFP
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2w1
I wonder if many ISTJ's could tolerate being in a relationship with another ISTJ, or ESTJ for that matter.

Off to look that one up!
 

Giggly

No moss growing on me
Joined
Jun 12, 2008
Messages
9,661
MBTI Type
iSFj
Enneagram
2
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I agree with you, alexx. I'm not interested in being my partners parent. Funnily enough, there are people who do want their partner to parent them and they look for SJs for that reason. When I get a sense that someone I've met wants that, I usually back away slowly. I think some people find that dynamic attractive though, from both sides.
 

d@v3

Perfect Gentleman! =D
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
2,830
MBTI Type
ISTJ
Yeah I don't see how she can "mess things up"... whatever she gets herself into I am going with her no matter what... that's why it is called a "partnership". Yes?
 

Tea-Snob

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Apr 16, 2009
Messages
14
MBTI Type
INFJ
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9w1
I agree with you, alexx. I'm not interested in being my partners parent. Funnily enough, there are people who do want their partner to parent them and they look for SJs for that reason. When I get a sense that someone I've met wants that, I usually back away slowly. I think some people find that dynamic attractive though, from both sides.

I agree, the problem with taking on "the parent of your partner" role is that parent-child mind set is a very powerful and you can become stuck. I guess a successful relationship of that sort would be when a partner switched between the "parent / child" role and a more mutual one. I am only guessing though as that isnt my experience..
 

wrldisquiethere

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Apr 2, 2009
Messages
233
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xSFJ
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2w1
I have balanced my J with my Pness :D

You have a Pness? And here I thought you had woman parts. :newwink:

As far as me and control is concerned, I would say that I try hard not to control other people. More than anything I need to be in control in regards to just being aware of what plans are...what is going to happen...a rough schedule of the day, etc.
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
O man see! This is what I mean. Why are you with her if you honestly think she is going to run amok and "Mess things up?".

I think if she was a little more expressive, we'd be okay. But I'm loving another introvert, so sometimes I don't know her moves until after she takes them. Don't particularly feel that.
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
A parent is one thing, a partnership with 2 adults is another. MANY parents are helicopter parents - always hovering about.

It is not the responsibility of one person in a relationship to supervise the other so that they don't interfere with their perfectly planned life.

I don't want to supervise another adult- that's the furthest thing from the truth.
 

IZthe411

Carerra Lu
Joined
Jul 19, 2009
Messages
2,585
MBTI Type
INTJ
Mess things up is a joke SJs.....RELAX.

But as I'm naturally one who is not comfortable with unpredictability, it makes me nervous when I don't know what's going on with my partner. That's why communication is necessary.
 

wren

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Jul 3, 2009
Messages
384
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infj
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4
from my vantage point controlling others is a dysfunctional component of the ego. personally i will not become involved with a person of a relationship sort due to prior experience with someone who wanted to have a say in everything i did, thought, went, (well he was pretty ok with me being gone), wore, spent, parented, ate, bought, decorated...get the picture? he was a J of some kind and mosre than likely introverted and convincingly T with a dash of S to top it off.

could have been my imagination though.
 
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