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  1. #1
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    Default How much to contact an ISTJ ?

    Maybe some of you are ISTJs or have insights into them so can give me feedback.

    I've been dating what I'm pretty sure is an ISTJ for about a month. He's steady, sweet, reliable and patient, but he can live in his own world. I get it since I can live in my own world too and I need some down time to myself.

    We've been dating about a month but because of various commitments have mostly ended up seeing each other about one day a week for at least half the day--aside from some short emails back and forth in between. His generally shorter and more businesslike than mine.

    We've both talked about how comfortable we feel with each other. We're both very attracted, and we both have enormous respect for the other. Our communication is decent, though there is always a bit of a disconnect where he takes me too seriously and doesn't get my irony and exaggeration and I don't always get his humor.

    At one point, he said I was welcome to visit him anytime and he's always open to talking. That's what he said, anyway. I'm feeling it's about time to step things up to a little more than once a week, so I called him last night about 24-hours after we last hung out. We talked for about 30 minutes on the phone and it went fine, but I couldn't help feeling like I was intruding a little. Not because he was ever rude, but it just felt a bit of a chore, maybe he wanted to be left alone then.

    He mentioned we'd talk tomorrow, but I figured he'd call today (though it wasn't ever specified who would call who), but nothing. I just don't know if I should assume responsibility for making contact if I want it more often or if I should wait more for reciprocation.

    The other side is that he told me that he can be in his own world and get a little depressed and lost without noticing, sometimes. I also get a bit concerned that he can isolate himself and perhaps more contact would be good, but he just doesn't do it.

    So . . . I really don't know if 1) he meant the things he said about contacting him anytime and 2) how much I should expect him to reciprocate, and 3) how often is good to contact him at this point.

    It's a bit weird since when we're together, I think we both feel very good. But when he's by himself I think it can be a little bit of "out of sight, out of mind."

    I would drop by his place since I think he's better in person than on the phone, but he lives 30 minutes away and his house is being remodeled at the moment, so it's problematic in a few ways.

    What do you all suggest I do and how to approach it?

  2. #2
    Senior Member Just another ISTJ's Avatar
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    When I like someone, as a friend or more, I'm always happy to hear from them...but I also find it kind of drains me if there isn't enough alone time. Of course, this is probably different among different people.

    Something might have just come up to kept him from contacting you. I'd imagine he would have taken your call as a cue that you'd like to get in more contact with each other at this point.

    Personally, I think you should just play it by ear for now. He'll get in touch with you and I'd imagine you'll have an idea as to how he feels about increased/more personal communication as things go along until an equilibrium is reached.

  3. #3
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    Well I think that he would appreciate hearing from you, even if he were depressed and lost in thought. Hearing from your significant other is a positive thing. You could always email him, IM him, or text him beforehand to see if it was alright to call at that time.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  4. #4
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    Thanks for the responses. I think emailing first is a good idea. I wish he were on IM more.

    I guess it comes off as pathetic and overthinking. Yeah I tend to overthink things, it can be my personality. :-( I wish it weren't.

    But honestly, I think what we have is pretty great and I'm pretty sure he does too. Problem is that both of us can be in our own places. I'm a bit socially awkward sometimes and I just do the wrong thing sometimes unless I sort of try to figure it out since my social sense is not always great. He's admitted something similar about himself.

    My intention isn't to play games, but to balance what he needs and what's good for him.

    In the long run, I suppose maybe the best solution is just to give it some space or else to just ask him what makes him comfortable, since he responds very well to directness.

    I take the point that I need to relax and have a bit more faith in what we have and just enjoy it. I'm giving this a lot of effort since I think we both have some interaction difficulties, but when we get past them it's just amazing.

    I'm sure it'll work out one way or another. Sorry if I come off as freakish.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by skyler View Post
    Thanks for the responses. I think emailing first is a good idea. I wish he were on IM more.

    I guess it comes off as pathetic and overthinking. Yeah I tend to overthink things, it can be my personality. :-( I wish it weren't.

    But honestly, I think what we have is pretty great and I'm pretty sure he does too. Problem is that both of us can be in our own places. I'm a bit socially awkward sometimes and I just do the wrong thing sometimes unless I sort of try to figure it out since my social sense is not always great. He's admitted something similar about himself.

    My intention isn't to play games, but to balance what he needs and what's good for him.

    In the long run, I suppose maybe the best solution is just to give it some space or else to just ask him what makes him comfortable, since he responds very well to directness.

    I take the point that I need to relax and have a bit more faith in what we have and just enjoy it. I'm giving this a lot of effort since I think we both have some interaction difficulties, but when we get past them it's just amazing.

    I'm sure it'll work out one way or another. Sorry if I come off as freakish.
    I have been right where you are, so I understand exactly where you are coming from. I dated an ISTP for several years, which I think would be a similar experience as what you are going through. For me, it was almost too perfect of a relationship, it was scarry. My guess is, both of you may be trying to balance each others needs and your own needs for space. I honestly think it will work out pretty well, if you both give it time and patience. Stay relaxed and avoid the game playing. Don't over think it. Enjoy autonomy and your own hobbies in times like these. There's no rush. It's not all about personality; there is absolutely a male/female dynamic to consider here. If it's clearly understood that you both are in a dating relationship, call me old fashioned, but I honestly think you should let him lead. If he's ISTJ, then I'd guess he'd prefer to be the one in control. I'd be interested to hear others opinions on this though.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Habba's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by skyler View Post
    It's a bit weird since when we're together, I think we both feel very good. But when he's by himself I think it can be a little bit of "out of sight, out of mind."
    I'm terrible at initiating conversations and meetings. I almost never ask anyone to visit my place, but I almost always accept any invitation I get. It's not like I don't want people at place... it's just that I see no reason to do so.

    I don't know if this is just me, or if other ISTJs behave like this too. We ISTJs have no needs or will of our own, except our duty to others.
    "The present is theirs; the future, for which I have really worked, is mine."
    -Nikola Tesla

  7. #7
    Senior Member wrldisquiethere's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Habba View Post
    I'm terrible at initiating conversations and meetings. I almost never ask anyone to visit my place, but I almost always accept any invitation I get. It's not like I don't want people at place... it's just that I see no reason to do so.

    I don't know if this is just me, or if other ISTJs behave like this too. We ISTJs have no needs or will of our own, except our duty to others.
    This is exactly like my close friend who is an ISTJ. It makes me uncomfortable sometimes because I do most of the initiating, which often includes inviting myself to her house. I almost always feel like I'm imposing, but I just try to trust that she's telling me the truth when she says I'm welcome to come.

    She has not been in much of a relationship, but I will say she values her alone time very much and when guys try to get to know her it does put her off if they're contacting her too much. Even for an independent, introverted ISTJ, though, it certainly seems like they should be ready to step it up a little from once a week contact after a month of dating. Maybe you should just talk to him honestly about it rather than trying to guess.
    Si, Fe equal Fi & Ti

    "I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it." -Mitch Hedberg

  8. #8
    Senior Member Gerbah's Avatar
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    As an ISTJ I know I can be too passive sometimes. I was worse with this when younger but with some awareness it's not impossible to get over it. I mainly have this problem with people who are new or who I don't know very well. Trust and confidence take a long time to build for me and I can be rather hesitant about if I'm really welcome or if the person is genuinely interested in me. But once I'm sure about someone, I'm not very inhibited and don't have a problem with making invitations, etc.

    I agree to let him take the lead as he is the man. Also, I think it's too early after a month of dating to come to any big conclusions. I would wait until you get a bigger picture of him and what's going on in his life before worrying about it too much.

  9. #9
    Senior Member SubjectA's Avatar
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    My dad's an ISTJ, and he isn't very good with initiating contact with others outside of work. Usually if it's a family friend or family member that he wants to talk to, for some reason he always asks me to call them (as if I'm comfortable in the social light to begin with.)

    I'm guessing ISTJ's have a hard time initiating contact. Sometimes they just get so busy or they are just uncomfortable with it.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  10. #10
    Let's make this showy! raz's Avatar
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    I'm really horrible at initiating. I get stuck in a mode of observing that results in zero action. It's like I convince myself internally that I'm doing enough, but when the evaluation comes and nothing happened, I get upset with myself. I have enough of a hard time figuring myself out. I feel like it's a burden to pursue someone else because there's so much that's not familiar.


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