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  1. #11
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    Default A little more info

    Just a couple of clarifications. I didn't want to make anything out of it, but we're both gay men. Love is love, relationships are relationships. At least that's my feeling. But in this case the rituals are different since it's not clear who should do the chasing, or who should be chased (as it is more clear with the man/woman dynamic). It's confusing.

    The other issue is that I think we're both now extra sensitive to making sure things don't fall apart since we both like our private space as introverts, yet we dated two years ago and things just fell apart because of our personalities and some circumstances at the time. I guess we need to strike the right balance. We both played it a little safe/coy the first time. We each made assumptions that the other wasn't that interested, backed off, and totally misread the situation then.

    The reason we got together again was that I always had a little sliver of doubt about what had actually happened to begin with. 2 years and probably going on dates with 30 different people later, I was fed up enough to find out. Talking to a friend, I was like "Yeah, there was someone pretty awesome, too bad he didn't like me so much, at least I think so." My friend told me I was stupid and I should just find out.

    A whole comical situation ensued in which I sent an email, laying out that I was interested and how I thought he probably wasn't interested and why I thought that.

    I was pretty much embarrassed as hell by the whole thing, but he responded very positively to the craziness and was unbelievably supportive and sweet. That in turn made me feel much more safe and comfortable and things have been going pretty great, though also a bit slowly and cautiously, too.

    So that's also part of the history of why I get a bit paranoid about making sure things don't just drift and fall apart since I'm sort of sensitized to it now. I think we're probably mostly past that danger, though.

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by raz View Post
    I'm really horrible at initiating. I get stuck in a mode of observing that results in zero action. It's like I convince myself internally that I'm doing enough, but when the evaluation comes and nothing happened, I get upset with myself. I have enough of a hard time figuring myself out. I feel like it's a burden to pursue someone else because there's so much that's not familiar.
    Yes, I'm not a natural initiator in personal matters and I don't think he is either. I don't have a problem initiating as long as I don't feel I'm intruding and it's welcome.

    I think we're both trying to do something that isn't completely natural for either of us. He'll initiate if he feels it is his duty. I'll do so as long as I feel my efforts are welcome or appreciated.

    I guess one thing I need to realize is that he'll probably be ok telling me if he's feeling pushed too fast as long as we keep direct communication open. That seems to be the recurring theme is to keep communications extremely open and honest. I'm not a natural at this. He seems to be better at it, but I think it wears him out a bit to do it.

    Again, something that isn't completely natural to either of us but we're both trying to do since we value what we see in each other.

    Meh, complicated, but I think, worth it.

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by skyler View Post
    Just a couple of clarifications. I didn't want to make anything out of it, but we're both gay men. Love is love, relationships are relationships. At least that's my feeling. But in this case the rituals are different since it's not clear who should do the chasing, or who should be chased (as it is more clear with the man/woman dynamic)...
    ...understood and with that said, I'd have to agree with what wrldisquiethere said earlier in this thread... "Maybe you should just talk to him honestly about it rather than trying to guess."

    However...

    Important Note: since you've only been dating a month, what would it hurt to just let things play out naturally and see what happens? Later on down the road would be a more appropriate time for such a talk. My gut tells me it's too soon, but only you can decide that for yourself. At this point, if you initiate any contact with this guy, keep it light and friendly. I would strongly recommend against expressing any concerns about your relationship or question where it's going or your dynamics. It might turn him off! After such a short time of dating, it would definitely turn me off and rob me of any positive emotions!

  4. #14
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    Thanks for all the feedback and putting up with my insecurity which makes me a little crazy about situations that are important to me. It makes my Ti side come out with a vengeance and I overanalyze everything. I get tired of being me sometimes.

    But the update is that I misread his type. I know since I asked him what his MBTI type was. I was like "If you haven't figured it out, I'm sorta crazy in all these ways and my MBTI seems to describe them, too. I think you're pretty great in ways that make me think you're an ISTJ." So he said, "No, I think I'm an INTJ" and then proceeded to take the test again and confirmed it. He didn't even think I was insane. ;-)

    I pretty much misread the Sensing vs. Intuitive scale. I thought he was much more sensing since compared to me, he is. He also seemed much more traditional, organized and quite self confident, though I'm beginning to see his slightly subversive sense of humor and other aspects coming out, which took a little while (and he says everything so deadpan). He seems very, very reliable like an ISTJ might.

    At first I was a little disappointed since there is something slightly appealing about an ISTJ getting me into line, but that thought only lasted a second.

    On the other hand, it's probably for the best he isn't since there is a weird level of comfortableness I probably wouldn't get as much with an ISTJ. I help him be less structured and sometimes he helps me be more structured, but somehow we sort of arrive at the same place by slightly different routes. Then we sort of look at each other and wonder how we each got there. It's sort of weird, actually, and I've never experienced anything quite like it. Maybe I'm just naive.

    I think his current scheduling preference is mostly because he has a busy work life this month which made me feel slightly like I was being "handled" and played into some insecurities. Being obviously "handled" or manipulated makes me crazy.

    But yes, after spending tons of time together for two days in a row, we had a conversation about what was happening (which incidentally *I* didn't bring up out of not wanting to look like I was jumping the gun, not sure if that's good or bad). It was sort of spooky since we've both gone over and over things in our heads to figure out where we thought we were at, did we think it more than just infatuation, and things like that.

    He basically said what he thought, that he'd been resisting saying anything since he thought I'd wonder if it would scare me to talk about how we felt at this point. My mouth fell open since he more or less said exactly the same things I was thinking. Bizarre. I'm sure we won't be on the same page this way for everything, but it's sort of spooky since I'm more or less used to being misunderstood (though often liked) by everyone. I guess typical INTP, trait, that.

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