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  1. #11
    Senior Member Amira's Avatar
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    I think Gerbah is right. If I were her I would distance myself a lot more. He is obviously having a lot going on and I don't think it's healthy what he is doing. Not sure I can define it, just my gut feeling says for her to back off right now. It's a hard situation.
    Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~Plato

  2. #12

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    Thank you all very much. It is indeed a hard situation....and yes, if he wants her he will go to the extremes it calls for.
    I suppose I see ISTJ's as so reserved and not wanting to step on toes that perhaps I was seeing these as signs things had changed for sure. I just dont see him putting her on the back burner, do ISTJ's do that? I was upset with him for a long time, however I always kind of saw his actions reflecting his direction.
    She has maintained the friendship...and not went any further, though in reality I am not sure what will come of it if he keeps trying to engage her.
    He keeps coming close and then backing way off.
    I will tell her to back way off and give him space.

    I just feel very sorry for her, and even for him at this point.

  3. #13
    Senior Member FallaciaSonata's Avatar
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    There is no such thing as an ISTJ's back burner. At least in my own experience, I should say.

    You're either off my stove or on it.

    I've been reading this, but I haven't really had anything worthwhile to contribute....anything I'd say would pretty much mimic or re-word what others have said. I'll continue to "ghost".

    Always remember to flank your enemies. History won't remember how dramatic your failed frontal assault looked. - Dragon Age: Origins

  4. #14
    Perfect Gentleman! =D d@v3's Avatar
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    Sounds like the ISTJ does like your friend. But out of sense of duty, he feels he MUST (and most likely WILL) stay with his child's mother, so your friend should distance herself. I agree what the others have said.
    Freedom Isn't Free. [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  5. #15
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    None of us can predict what will happen really. It could turn out really good or it could turn out really bad. If she really wants to give it a try (and yes, she will be taking a risk) then like others have said, she has to let him come to her first for sure. This is not out of pride, but because it sounds like he will buck otherwise.

  6. #16

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    Very funny you should say that...IT SOUNDS LIKE HE WILL BUCK OTHERWISE.

    Not quite those words, but basically what she said to me about him.

    **I do wonder, if other ISTJ's agree with the NO BACK BURNER EXISTS statement?
    She sees him this way also and I think that is why she is feeling so confused because he is all of a sudden putting emotion back between them where he was VERY clear prior that this was only friendship.

    Now, she is like a deer in headlights in a very rough place emotionally. As an INTP, she gets on the fence and is afraid to made a decision. For an entire year she was so heart broken it was horrible. She barely left her home when she was not working.

    I keep wondering if he is doing this because things are bad at this time in his marriage and he is just boiling over. He has to realize this is painful and confusing to her, wouldnt you agree? Especially if he doesnt plan on leaving his situation.

    I mean, does she just sit still and wait? No contact?

    He even has me confused!

  7. #17
    Senior Member Gerbah's Avatar
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    He is probably confused himself, which is most likely why he's confusing other people.

    I'd never thought about it in terms of ISTJs in general, but for myself as an ISTJ, I do not have a back burner. I would rather be on good terms with a person rather than not, but I wouldn't call that my back burner. It's not really my style to keep people sweet for a rainy day when they could come in useful. I normally just move my boundaries with a person to make them closer or more distant reflecting how I actually feel about the person at that point in time.

    Personally, I think he is just behaving like this because his marriage problems are making him feel more emotionally needy than normal and your friend is someone he can turn to for some relief. But whatever his reasons are, it's really not a good idea for your friend to become emotionally involved with or have any expectations from a married man. His wife deserves that respect at least. It doesn't give her a fair chance to sort things out for her family, especially with a child involved. What your friend had with him in the past is in the past. He could have made arrangements to support the mother of his child and his child if he had wanted to make that commitment to your friend and if he had felt she was really the one but he let her go.

    > I mean, does she just sit still and wait? No contact? <
    I definitely wouldn't “wait” for anything. She should just live her life freely without thinking about it too much. Focus on something else. As for contact, that depends on what she can handle and if it's impacting her life negatively or not. I understand it's easier to say than to do, and it's not me in all the emotions, but he is married, there's no point.

  8. #18
    Senior Member swordpath's Avatar
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    Gerbah is on point.


    In regards to the "back burner" subject... I also don't really do this. In a relationship: I sort my feelings out the best I can, decide what I'm striving for, and then I work steadily towards that. I'm pretty focused and invested.

    As ISTJs we're expected to be unwavering, but we're human like anybody else and I think sometimes people forget that... The man in your friend's life has had to deal with unforeseeable circumstance and in turn, it's left your friend on the wayside, so to speak. It's truly unfortunate that this is something that she has to deal with, but at this point, anything other than taking a step back and putting some distance in the relationship is a step in the wrong direction IMO; and only because he's not available to her in the way that she had wished for. It will bring her more agony than anything else. She's going to HAVE to gear her mind towards moving on and that won't happen unless she removes herself. If this guy makes a 180, comes back and in the end things work out in your friend's favor, that's great news, but I wouldn't remain expectant to that happening.

    2 cents.

  9. #19
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Oh, he's married? I didn't know that. Yeah, she needs to move on.

  10. #20
    Perfect Gentleman! =D d@v3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    Oh, he's married? I didn't know that. Yeah, she needs to move on.
    Ooohhhh I didn't know he was married either.

    Yup, she definitely needs to move on.
    Freedom Isn't Free. [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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