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Thread: Indecisive ISTJ

  1. #1
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Default Indecisive ISTJ

    Yes, yes, I am still asking questions about a particular ISTJ, if you need some catching up, read some of my posts in this forum, haha

    Anyhoooo---

    I have been hanging out with this ISTJ whom I previously used to date and this 'hanging out without commitment' has been going on for about a year. He isnt seeing anyone else, same goes for me. He's not the type to use girls either (no need to argue, because I know this is true)

    He doesnt want to commit because he thinks since we've broken up before, it's ultimately going to happen again (dang that Si) so we are just going down a path that leads to nowhere.

    reasons we broke up before were things that have yet to be determined (How would we raise kids, etc) we also broke up because we had never really dated anyone else so we hadnt had much dating experience...

    He's at the point where once every few months he brings up that we need to stop hanging out like we do. We try, and days later we're still close and hanging out. it's not always physical or anything like that. We just have so much fun together that we can't stay away. Yet, even though we both agree on this, he still won't commit. He says "let's try to not hang out one-on-one anymore,.. but i know that I'm saying this now and tomorrow I'll want to change my mind". He says he has seen a progressive change in me, but still says he thinks it wont work but cannot give reasons why. he says that sometimes he thinks he is convincing himself not to fall back in love with me, and to not try and have a relationship again... He says he doesnt know how he feels. . is this 'Convincing himself' happen just because he's trying to hang on to what he has already made up in his mind (that we wont work) or is it something else? how can I get him to stop convincing himself? How can he/we tell if it's his true feelings of him manipulating them?

    Sometimes he wants me, sometimes he doesnt. Sometimes he thinks I'm the one, sometimes he doesn't. He ended the conversation saying that we need to stop hanging out indefinitely to see how he feels... can we do it?
    (but, in the past, we keep ending back up together... how do I convince him that there has to be a reason why this is happening??...)

    What causes indecisiveness in an ISTJ?
    What can I do to help him make up his mind?

    Sorry for the lengthy message.. can't sleep and I needed to get it out.

    Brutal honesty is welcome. As is any advice whatsoever

    .

  2. #2
    Senior Member FallaciaSonata's Avatar
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    If I were in his situation....

    I would indeed have already made up my mind on whether or not to actually commit. I'm like that --- I either go 100% in or out. There is no in-between. However, I would not want to kill the friendship here either, and by flatly saying "No, we aren't going to work", I would put forth a risk that the friendship would wither, weaken, or die altogether.

    It's not solid ground, that's for sure. In a perfect world, I would be able to simply say, "I do not think we would work as a couple, but let us remain friends", and it would work out just like that. There would be no awkwardness, no future issues, it would simply "be".

    On another note, (this may or may not be helpful) I have noticed that there are certain people I am compelled to talk to, and I don't know if it would be out of morbid curiosity, or what, but I find that I generally dislike them. But I still want to know how they think, and what makes them tick. Even though I don't like their way of doing things.

    I'm sure that's not the case here, but I thought I'd mention it for....well, I thought I'd mention it.

    'course.....I can't really point the finger in this department seeing how I've only had one girlfriend, primarily for the experience of it. But that's another story for another time.

    Always remember to flank your enemies. History won't remember how dramatic your failed frontal assault looked. - Dragon Age: Origins

  3. #3
    Twerking & Lurking ayoitsStepho's Avatar
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    alright, I'm just going to throw this out there. Maybe, just maybe he's having too many changing thoughts about you and him together. One day he'll be like "oh yeah i really like you" and the next day he wants space.
    He could really just be enjoying you and your presents as a friend and then he slips and gets in too deep and then realises he needs to get out of that hole before things progress in a way he doesnt want it to progress. Sometimes you may not have feelings for somebody, especially friends of the opposite sex, and the moment you start spending alot of extra time together you become hypnotized by the other person...but you dont really like like them. You just like being around them awhole lot, but things go deeper without that person really WANTING it to, he could just be going with it and then suddenly realise "oh crap, get out, get out!". I dont really know if im explaining this properly....if someone gets what im saying, please feel free to explain it in terms we can all understand!
    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    ayoitsStepho is becoming someone else. Actually her true self, a rite of passage.

  4. #4
    Senior Member wildcat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    Yes, yes, I am still asking questions about a particular ISTJ, if you need some catching up, read some of my posts in this forum, haha

    Anyhoooo---

    I have been hanging out with this ISTJ whom I previously used to date and this 'hanging out without commitment' has been going on for about a year. He isnt seeing anyone else, same goes for me. He's not the type to use girls either (no need to argue, because I know this is true)

    He doesnt want to commit because he thinks since we've broken up before, it's ultimately going to happen again (dang that Si) so we are just going down a path that leads to nowhere.

    reasons we broke up before were things that have yet to be determined (How would we raise kids, etc) we also broke up because we had never really dated anyone else so we hadnt had much dating experience...

    He's at the point where once every few months he brings up that we need to stop hanging out like we do. We try, and days later we're still close and hanging out. it's not always physical or anything like that. We just have so much fun together that we can't stay away. Yet, even though we both agree on this, he still won't commit. He says "let's try to not hang out one-on-one anymore,.. but i know that I'm saying this now and tomorrow I'll want to change my mind". He says he has seen a progressive change in me, but still says he thinks it wont work but cannot give reasons why. he says that sometimes he thinks he is convincing himself not to fall back in love with me, and to not try and have a relationship again... He says he doesnt know how he feels. . is this 'Convincing himself' happen just because he's trying to hang on to what he has already made up in his mind (that we wont work) or is it something else? how can I get him to stop convincing himself? How can he/we tell if it's his true feelings of him manipulating them?

    Sometimes he wants me, sometimes he doesnt. Sometimes he thinks I'm the one, sometimes he doesn't. He ended the conversation saying that we need to stop hanging out indefinitely to see how he feels... can we do it?
    (but, in the past, we keep ending back up together... how do I convince him that there has to be a reason why this is happening??...)

    What causes indecisiveness in an ISTJ?
    What can I do to help him make up his mind?

    Sorry for the lengthy message.. can't sleep and I needed to get it out.

    Brutal honesty is welcome. As is any advice whatsoever

    .
    Control > drive.

  5. #5
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    Sounds like he's afraid of the possibility of being hurt? I think...

    Because I do that a lot: When I want to cut someone out of my life "for the better" even though I have to go against my own desires, I "convince myself" in the way you said. But for him to speak about that with you kind of shows he's faltering, which as you said, sounds like indecision to me.
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

  6. #6
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Sounds like he's afraid of the possibility of being hurt?
    I thought about this, but it's weird. I really don't think he gets hurt, or jealous or anything like that. He isn't usually affected by other people's actions, if he ever has feelings come to surface, it's his own personal feelings, and how he feels, not how someone else makes him feel. Does that make sense?

    When we broke up before, I dated around a little bit and when we had this talk last night, I asked him how he felt when we weren't hanging out while I was with someone else. And i asked him to be honest and he's like.. I was fine. Really, I was okay with all of that.

    So, maybe he really just doesnt care about me anymore if he's able to not care while I was dating someone else

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    I thought about this, but it's weird. I really don't think he gets hurt, or jealous or anything like that. He isn't usually affected by other people's actions, if he ever has feelings come to surface, it's his own personal feelings, and how he feels, not how someone else makes him feel. Does that make sense?

    When we broke up before, I dated around a little bit and when we had this talk last night, I asked him how he felt when we weren't hanging out while I was with someone else. And i asked him to be honest and he's like.. I was fine. Really, I was okay with all of that.

    So, maybe he really just doesnt care about me anymore if he's able to not care while I was dating someone else
    Well I'm an ISTJ, and I know that I [sort of] only focus on one thing at a time. So if something else is happening (such as you hanging out with a different friend), then the reason he doesn't mind is probably because he wasn't thinking about it.

  8. #8
    Senior Member AutumnReverie's Avatar
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    Well I'm an ISTJ, and I know that I [sort of] only focus on one thing at a time. So if something else is happening (such as you hanging out with a different friend), then the reason he doesn't mind is probably because he wasn't thinking about it.
    + 1. I'm an ISTJ and I have had friends and family members ask me that in the past too ("how did you feel when we weren't hanging out?"). And I've replied "I was fine" on more than one occasion as well. In my case, it didn't have anything to do with how much I cared for the person. Usually when a person is gone and I'm doing other things then I'm occupied with those other things. Then when the person comes back and we hang out again, I'll think to myself "I love spending time with him/her!"

    However, if it's a person I'm romantically interested in...I do tend to keep that person in the back of my mind always. But still, I would be functioning normally while they were gone and therefore might still reply "I was fine" in complete honesty. As in "I was fine (i.e. not an emotional wreck) while you were gone, but I'm glad to be spending time with you now that you're here again".
    After all,
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  9. #9
    Senior Member Lambchop's Avatar
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    I'm not an ISTJ, but I'm borderline on the T.

    Do you want to be with this person?

    If you do, I would stop hanging out with him. That will force him to think about whether he wants to be with you and thinks it would work or not officially.

    This might be hard to hear...but he might just be hanging out with you so much because he doesn't have anything better to do or anyone better to hang out with.

    On the other hand! When I was dating my husband (then boyfriend), I broke up with him one time when I came to the conclusion that it just wasn't going to work. We continued to hang out as friends. I continued to hang out with him because I liked hanging out with him and I liked him. But we kept telling ourselves that it just wasn't going to work out. We both said we shouldn't spend so much time together. I started dating someone else. The new guy didn't want me hanging out with the old boyfriend. Once I stopped seeing him for awhile, I realized that I hated not being able to see him and started seeing things from a whole different perspective. Being away from me made him do the same thing (he started dating someone else too.) We got back together. We're married now.

    It depends on what you want out of the relationship I suppose. It could be that you are both clinging to the safety of the relationship because you're afraid to go out and find something else.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Lambchop's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ayoitsStepho View Post
    alright, I'm just going to throw this out there. Maybe, just maybe he's having too many changing thoughts about you and him together. One day he'll be like "oh yeah i really like you" and the next day he wants space.
    He could really just be enjoying you and your presents as a friend and then he slips and gets in too deep and then realises he needs to get out of that hole before things progress in a way he doesnt want it to progress. Sometimes you may not have feelings for somebody, especially friends of the opposite sex, and the moment you start spending alot of extra time together you become hypnotized by the other person...but you dont really like like them. You just like being around them awhole lot, but things go deeper without that person really WANTING it to, he could just be going with it and then suddenly realise "oh crap, get out, get out!". I dont really know if im explaining this properly....if someone gets what im saying, please feel free to explain it in terms we can all understand!
    This is another possible explanation.

    Stepho, I think you are fabulous...but I'm about to join the Grammar Nazi with your posts. I feel like an English teacher. I'm seeing run-on sentences and improper punctuation and capitalization all over the place!

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