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  1. #11
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kai View Post

    I don't know... but don't many feelers focus on the idea of figuring out the underlying meaning behind someones actions and words. It works especially well when someone is saying "I'm fine" but in reality they are upset and need comforting, but it sometimes fails when a person really does mean that they are fine and don't need comforting :/
    Exactly .. I have learnt not to try and figure out underlying meanings, as there is a 50% chance i am wrong. That's where direct talking comes into play.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  2. #12
    Senior Member NewEra's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tewt View Post
    Long post
    Yeah, that's a lot like how I relate to an ISFJ I know, makes sense, I think it's the F/T divide.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kai View Post
    I don't think it's a problem to do with ISFJs, but one more to do with individuals that aren't so keen on what they think is not normal. In that manner an ISTJ can completely clash with an ISFJ...
    So true. I know this one ISFJ that I can't get along with in the long term. I may get along with her in the short term or occassionally, but then other times I can't get along with her at all. My values get in the way of strange way of reacting to certain things.

  3. #13
    Senior Member Lambchop's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tewt View Post
    lol, I am 28 with a family and children. No I do not live with them. I moved out when I was 17 because of the drama.

    I have sat and talked with her, many times. Although it has mainly been in the past and we have come to an uncomfortable stale mate now. Maybe I did not make it clear in the original posting, but we both walk away with a completely different idea of what the other just said/wants etc. However, now she is throwing out these hints and Im not sure if this is something she wants me to pursue with her or not. And yes, in my experience ignoring or what perceives to be ignoring her is signs for trouble.

    It is uncomfortable for everyone involved and is very hard for me to maintain this facade. I would really like to clear the air, but I do feel that any wrong step I make will be the last one in this relationship.

    Maybe you need examples, but one time she emailed me and laid out something she needed to get done. I emailed back and said "ok, will do" and did do it, but then she disinvited my daughter on a vacation they were going to take her on because my tone in the email was "not enthusiastic."
    The examples thing helps - it makes it more concrete for us ISFJ's to understand (ha!) She sounds like a very unhealthy ISFJ to me. Disinviting your daughter over lack of enthusiasm in an e-mail is shitty, manipulative and controlling. I guarantee you that she is a VERY insecure ISFJ. I have been a stepmother before and I would never have done something like that.

    Having said that, my son stepmother took the MBTI test very recently and she is also an ISFJ (which totally tweaks me out, because we are nothing alike!) She and my son have had major issues and my son has said flat out that he doesn't like her and he refuses to go see his dad because of it. My son is an introvert and it takes him awhile to warm up to people...he needs to have his space to get comfortable. She wanted him to love her right away and be a big happy family with her son and my ex-husband. She did not allow for the fact that he's a moody teenager in an unfamiliar situation. She expected love and adoration right away. When she didn't get it, drama ensued (during the course of the one summer he spent there) and holy hell broke loose. Granted, she resents my ex-husband for his lack of discipline (and she has a point there) and I think she is jealous of my son and angry about the fact that my son misses spending time with just his dad. I tried really hard to support her at first...until she came after me and blamed me for not "making" my son love her (more drama, always drama with her and I despise drama). My feeling from her is that it needs to be all about her, all the time. She used to write me this long rambling e-mails and I counted the word "I" like 300 times. Interestingly enough...my ex-husband (who is also an ISFJ, it turns out) won't talk about it at all. She runs the show and he does whatever she wants, even though he is ruining his relationship with his son. My son loves my INFP husband because there is ZERO drama and my husband didn't get in his face or try to force him to do or feel anything.

    Have you talked to your dad at all, to get his perspective? Maybe he can tell you where she's coming from? She sounds very passive aggressive with the hinting and the only way to nip it in the bud is to speak directly to her. All you can do is give it your best shot. She may not be capable of a normal relationship with you. She could be jealous of you or may feel like your dad loves you more than their kids together, secretly. It's hard to tell without her communicating with you. Maybe you could send her an e-mail and try to list the things you do like about her...and then say you'd like to talk. Be aware of possible manipulation and the like.

    Not all ISFJ's are like that...I can attest to that. Personality type is only so much though...there are such a huge range inside each personality type of actual personalities. Good luck -- I feel your pain and hope it gets better for you!

  4. #14
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    The trick is to keep telling her that you are blunt and explicit and mean exactly what you say with your words and that there are no other meanings or interpretations behind your words. Tell her in a nice way that this is how you communicate which is different than her way of communicating and that you wish for her to try to understand that. Repeat this as many times as necessary to her and as often as needed... BUT... continue to spend time with her. Do not pull away after you've told her this. Continuing to spend time with her reassures her that you don't dislike her and mean what you say. In time she will accept things and not get so riled up. In the meantime, don't let her try to change your way of communicating and don't try to change hers.

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lambchop View Post
    The examples thing helps - it makes it more concrete for us ISFJ's to understand (ha!) She sounds like a very unhealthy ISFJ to me. Disinviting your daughter over lack of enthusiasm in an e-mail is shitty, manipulative and controlling. I guarantee you that she is a VERY insecure ISFJ. I have been a stepmother before and I would never have done something like that.

    Having said that, my son stepmother took the MBTI test very recently and she is also an ISFJ (which totally tweaks me out, because we are nothing alike!) She and my son have had major issues and my son has said flat out that he doesn't like her and he refuses to go see his dad because of it. My son is an introvert and it takes him awhile to warm up to people...he needs to have his space to get comfortable. She wanted him to love her right away and be a big happy family with her son and my ex-husband. She did not allow for the fact that he's a moody teenager in an unfamiliar situation. She expected love and adoration right away. When she didn't get it, drama ensued (during the course of the one summer he spent there) and holy hell broke loose. Granted, she resents my ex-husband for his lack of discipline (and she has a point there) and I think she is jealous of my son and angry about the fact that my son misses spending time with just his dad. I tried really hard to support her at first...until she came after me and blamed me for not "making" my son love her (more drama, always drama with her and I despise drama). My feeling from her is that it needs to be all about her, all the time. She used to write me this long rambling e-mails and I counted the word "I" like 300 times. Interestingly enough...my ex-husband (who is also an ISFJ, it turns out) won't talk about it at all. She runs the show and he does whatever she wants, even though he is ruining his relationship with his son. My son loves my INFP husband because there is ZERO drama and my husband didn't get in his face or try to force him to do or feel anything.

    Have you talked to your dad at all, to get his perspective? Maybe he can tell you where she's coming from? She sounds very passive aggressive with the hinting and the only way to nip it in the bud is to speak directly to her. All you can do is give it your best shot. She may not be capable of a normal relationship with you. She could be jealous of you or may feel like your dad loves you more than their kids together, secretly. It's hard to tell without her communicating with you. Maybe you could send her an e-mail and try to list the things you do like about her...and then say you'd like to talk. Be aware of possible manipulation and the like.

    Not all ISFJ's are like that...I can attest to that. Personality type is only so much though...there are such a huge range inside each personality type of actual personalities. Good luck -- I feel your pain and hope it gets better for you!
    I have had such a similar experience with my stepmom as your son. And it has never gotten better, time has not solved this problem lol. I have letters she wrote me when I was like 10 (no idea why I saved them) and they were long and all about her and what she wasnt getting emotionally out of our relationship. As a kid, I had no idea what to make of them. Reading them now I cant believe she would write this stuff to a kid, much less require that kind of stuff out of them that she was demanding.

    She also blamed my mother for any issue. She asked me one time do I love her (right after their marriage) and I said no, but I like you. And she had an absolute fit, as well when I wouldnt call her Mom because she was afraid her kids would get confused who their mother was. I think that was just an excuse because she was always embarassed for some reason that we werent a nuclear family. But whatever.

    I do think many of our issues are stepfamily issues, but I find the personality type thing helping because it does identify just where we are different. Hope it goes better with your son.

  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    The trick is to keep telling her that you are blunt and explicit and mean exactly what you say with your words and that there are no other meanings or interpretations behind your words. Tell her in a nice way that this is how you communicate which is different than her way of communicating and that you wish for her to try to understand that. Repeat this as many times as necessary to her and as often as needed... BUT... continue to spend time with her. Do not pull away after you've told her this. Continuing to spend time with her reassures her that you don't dislike her and mean what you say. In time she will accept things and not get so riled up. In the meantime, don't let her try to change your way of communicating and don't try to change hers.
    Well I would, but Im not sure if she is inviting more conversation at this point. And she doesnt seem to like spending time with me either but will require my presence at certain functions and then does the throwing out things.

  7. #17
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tewt View Post
    Well I would, but Im not sure if she is inviting more conversation at this point. And she doesnt seem to like spending time with me either but will require my presence at certain functions and then does the throwing out things.
    Assume she does want more and keep trying.

  8. #18
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    Ok, but if this goes badly Im blaming you.

  9. #19
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tewt View Post
    Ok, but if this goes badly Im blaming you.
    lol okay. Please keep us up to date.

  10. #20
    Senior Member Lambchop's Avatar
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    Definitely place the blame on Giggly!!

    Tewt, it sounds like you do want a relationship with her. Even though I'm an ISFJ, I would have ditched the whole relationship a long time ago. The whole "I'm going to punish your daughter because of something abstract that I perceived that you did" behavior would have sent me way over the edge. I may have subjected myself to it for a longer time when I was younger and didn't want to offend anyone...but I have other friends I can hang out with that don't bring me down. And she does sound exactly like my son's step-mom! My son's step-mom wanted to be "friends" with me...she lives on the other side of the country from me, so "friends" is a loose term...but I had to cut it off. She took EVERYTHING personally. If I sneezed, it hurt her feelings. Ugghh...but I don't have time to walk on eggshells all the time and I couldn't stand the negativity! Since I intuit other people's feelings...I can't really be around negative people. How did your mom handle your step-mom? I don't say anything bad about either my ex-husband or his wife to my son...but I say PLENTY to my husband (who agrees with me.)

    I think you are AMAZING for hanging in there and continuing to try.

    Do you think it could be the fact that you are a "T" and she is an "F"? I sometimes have a hard time with T's because they come off as a little "cold" to me. I CAN and do get past that...but it's foreign to my natural F.

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