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  1. #1
    Senior Member SubjectA's Avatar
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    Default How to Console An ISFJ

    Yes. Another question about my enigma, the ISFJ. I'm sure you're getting sick of these. Oh well...

    I know for the most part SJ's don't like debating, especially xSFJ's. Whenever my fiance gets into a debate with a particularly stubborn opponent, he gets angry and/or hurt. At work he has gotten into a lot of small debates where he would get very upset. Virtually every single time the person that got him upset would say incredibly stupid things (i.e. if you voted for McCain, you're a racist.)

    My usual consolation consists of, "You didn't say anything wrong...*proceeds to go on why his argument is logically sound*...It's obvious that what they said is incredibly stupid anyway, so it doesn't matter." Of course, this doesn't typically work for anyone else besides another NT. He continues to be pouty. And what really bothers me is that sometimes he blames himself for other people's dumb actions, even though he had nothing to do with it.

    I don't like seeing him upset, especially over something so superficial. What can I do to comfort him?
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  2. #2
    it's tea time! Walking Tourist's Avatar
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    I'm not an ISFJ but I would suggest not letting the ISFJ know that you believe the source of his upset is superficial or trivial. Probably the best thing to do is to listen to the ISFJ and then gently distract him.
    But... I'm not sure if an ISFJ can be distracted as easily as an ISFP. I'd be interested in hearing about that from ISFJs.
    I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle and here is my spout. Every time I steam up, I give a shout. Just tip me over and pour me out.

  3. #3
    Perfect Gentleman! =D d@v3's Avatar
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    I'm not an ISFJ, but I agree with what WT said. Whenever he gets to thinking about the argument/debate, just distract him with some sort of action... I don't know what, maybe go for a walk or go get something to eat or something. Eventually he will understand that the debate was dumb and he will get over it. (keyword: "eventually")

    But don't tell him that you thought the argument was pointless or that you feel it was dumb, because SJ's love to defend their positions. It will probably just start a new argument, this time with YOU.
    Freedom Isn't Free. [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  4. #4
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    The ISFJ I know gets in dumb arguments.

  5. #5
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Walking Tourist View Post
    I'm not an ISFJ but I would suggest not letting the ISFJ know that you believe the source of his upset is superficial or trivial. Probably the best thing to do is to listen to the ISFJ and then gently distract him.
    But... I'm not sure if an ISFJ can be distracted as easily as an ISFP. I'd be interested in hearing about that from ISFJs.

    Quote Originally Posted by d@v3 View Post
    I'm not an ISFJ, but I agree with what WT said. Whenever he gets to thinking about the argument/debate, just distract him with some sort of action..:
    This is true for me, esp the part about distracting them.

    I get the intention of trying to get the person to understand that the resulting upset/hurt they feel makes it not worth having the argument in the first place. This is something I have had to learn and why I don't argue/debate with people, but that also really really upsets people, as they think they being ignored, so I don't really know what the solution is.

    Also, I wouldn't use the word "dumb" or "stupid" to describe the argument because it's possible that the ISFJ may think that you are calling him or his viewpoints dumb, and that will just upset him further and might make him argue with YOU, but of course, you're trying to get him to move past that. Instead you should tell him that you think his opponent and their viewpoint is dumb if you really feel that way.

    That will probably make him feel reassured and after letting him vent just a few minutes (not too long or he'll get too upset) then distract him with something else.


    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post
    The ISFJ I know gets in dumb arguments.
    Do you know of anything that has helped?

  6. #6
    Senior Member SubjectA's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    Instead you should tell him that you think his opponent and their viewpoint is dumb if you really feel that way.

    That will probably make him feel reassured and after letting him vent just a few minutes (not too long or he'll get too upset) then distract him with something else.

    I often do call the opponent dumb, after calling their arguments dumb. Now that I think about it I'm not sure how kindly he'd take to that, since they are his friends (for some reason.)

    I swear I was trying to be nice.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  7. #7
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    Do you know of anything that has helped?
    Totally awesome.

    I just randomly shot that out of my butt and realized it wasn't really helpful. Thanks for making me think more about it.

    I only know one, but the one I know seems to get caught up in feelings vs. logical thought so it's hard to have a discussion with them. I imagine if I worked with someone like that it would drive me batty. Maybe it's only because it's a family member because I think people outside the family see their positive attributes and not the unhealthy ones.

    I think the family situation (blended family, 5 billion kids, wanting a step dad to be a father to her kids) was just a festering pot of stress for an ISFJ and I probably saw the unhealthy side all too well for a few years there.

    Trying to be helpful:
    I tend to think an FJ (at least the two I know, both introverts) has a hard time regulating feelings and the judging function. They are driven by their feelings but also by what is "right" and it can get hard to formulate a good argument because they are driven by two opposing things. (I may be totally bastardizing MBTI, but this is my current thought on FJ)

    In this case, your bf might have a really good point but have trouble expressing it without sounding like he is all feeling driven, which could drive the people he works with bonkers. The ISFJ I know also can be so caught up in "fair" or "loyalty" they forget that they themselves aren't perfect.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    Distraction sounds like a good method. But like most introverts he'll probably go blow off steam and then forget about the whole thing. The last time I got upset or caught up in a debate on this forum in PM: I ended up ranting to some people on Ventrilo and made topics on forums to prove a point that I wasn't being illogical. You did a good job of validating his own emotions, although I'd stay away from the whole "No point getting upset over something so trivial" as it's something that may backfire.

    Good result: He agrees and tries to ignore the irrationality of the other person.
    Bad result: You're invalidating his own emotions by pointing out the silliness in getting all worked up.

    If you don't want to call his friends dumb. Just say that they are being unreasonable with their views on that particular topic.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    Slap him (gently), tell him to put it into perspective and get over it.

    OR

    Just listen and be supportive.

    Your choice.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  10. #10
    Senior Member SubjectA's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by saslou View Post
    Slap him (gently), tell him to put it into perspective and get over it.

    OR

    Just listen and be supportive.

    Your choice.
    You break it down and make it so simple. I like that.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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