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  1. #1
    triple nerd score poppy's Avatar
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    Default SJs and communication

    My mother (bless'er heart) and I don't always see eye to eye. This is nothing new in the world of mothers and daughters.

    I wonder though, if you nice people in the Guardhouse can give me tips on communicating with her?

    For instance, my mother insists on scheduling me to get my hair cut. Now, I am old enough to do this myself, but what bothers me the most is that it is illogical for her to pay someone $40 to trim my hair, since my hair is so long that the difference between a $40 trim and one I do myself is not visible. She does the same thing with manicures, pedicures, etc, and it's very difficult for me to gently explain to her that these things don't make sense considering our current financial situation.

    I believe she values these things as mother-daughter activities. What I'm wondering is if there is some way for me to explain to her that we can have together time without doing these annoying/expensive rituals?

    What styles of communication do you find the most palatable, SFJs?

    EDIT: She's an ISFJ. Sorry bout that.
    Last edited by poppy; 08-11-2009 at 12:06 PM.
    "There's no need to be embarrassed about it, Mr. Spock. It happens to the birds and the bees!"

  2. #2
    Senior Member Max's Avatar
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    What specific type is she?

    If it were me, I would just be straight and firm about it. Don't do anything you don't want to do.

  3. #3
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Step 1. Keep your hair/nails trimmed yourself so she won't ask you.
    Step 2. Preemptively ask her to do what you have in mind for Mother-Daughter time together.
    Step 3. ????
    Step 4. Profit.

  4. #4
    triple nerd score poppy's Avatar
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    Oh, whoops. Somehow I forgot to put that (I'll add it in now). She's an ISFJ. A very sensitive one at that.
    "There's no need to be embarrassed about it, Mr. Spock. It happens to the birds and the bees!"

  5. #5
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    EDIT: My comment doesn't apply anymore...
    ~ g e t f e s t i v e ! ~


    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"



    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
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    want to ask me something? go for it!

  6. #6
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    This is going to sound awful because i am not into game playing, but anyway, play the game.

    You - Mum, you know that haircut appointment you arranged for me, well i know you only want me to look my best and on this occasion i will go. In future though, will it be OK if i make my own appointments.
    Mum - I am only looking out for your best interests darling.
    You - I know mum and i am truly grateful for all your help. You have made me into this strong individual and i would like to start doing some things for myself.
    Mum - All pouty faced
    You - Mum, should i ever require your help, i know i can come to you for guidence. I love you.
    Mum - *Opens up arms for a big hug*.

    You have to word it in a way in which she still feels like she is needed and the ball is still in her court. Even though your the one making the decisions.Oh bugger, i am manipulative.
    Good luck with that anyway. j/k

    (This is what i do with my mother, i mistyped her as a ESTP, thinking now as seeing some really funny behaviour recently as ESFx)
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  7. #7
    triple nerd score poppy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by saslou View Post
    This is going to sound awful because i am not into game playing, but anyway, play the game.

    You - Mum, you know that haircut appointment you arranged for me, well i know you only want me to look my best and on this occasion i will go. In future though, will it be OK if i make my own appointments.
    Mum - I am only looking out for your best interests darling.
    You - I know mum and i am truly grateful for all your help. You have made me into this strong individual and i would like to start doing some things for myself.
    Mum - All pouty faced
    You - Mum, should i ever require your help, i know i can come to you for guidence. I love you.
    Mum - *Opens up arms for a big hug*.

    You have to word it in a way in which she still feels like she is needed and the ball is still in her court. Even though your the one making the decisions.Oh bugger, i am manipulative.
    Good luck with that anyway. j/k

    (This is what i do with my mother, i mistyped her as a ESTP, thinking now as seeing some really funny behaviour recently as ESFx)


    Oh my goodness. That would probably work perfectly. Oh god, I'm in tears from laughter imagining our interactions going like that because it would be sooo out of character! It's a great suggestion though
    "There's no need to be embarrassed about it, Mr. Spock. It happens to the birds and the bees!"

  8. #8
    Senior Member NewEra's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by saslou View Post
    This is going to sound awful because i am not into game playing, but anyway, play the game.

    You - Mum, you know that haircut appointment you arranged for me, well i know you only want me to look my best and on this occasion i will go. In future though, will it be OK if i make my own appointments.
    Mum - I am only looking out for your best interests darling.
    You - I know mum and i am truly grateful for all your help. You have made me into this strong individual and i would like to start doing some things for myself.
    Mum - All pouty faced
    You - Mum, should i ever require your help, i know i can come to you for guidence. I love you.
    Mum - *Opens up arms for a big hug*.

    You have to word it in a way in which she still feels like she is needed and the ball is still in her court. Even though your the one making the decisions.Oh bugger, i am manipulative.
    Good luck with that anyway. j/k

    (This is what i do with my mother, i mistyped her as a ESTP, thinking now as seeing some really funny behaviour recently as ESFx)
    Haha there you go, ESFJ to the rescue!

  9. #9
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by poppy View Post


    Oh my goodness. That would probably work perfectly. Oh god, I'm in tears from laughter imagining our interactions going like that because it would be sooo out of character! It's a great suggestion though
    .. What is your usual approach? I know the I/E makes a little bit of difference but having been with an INTJ for some years, i am wondering if you would have the same follow through.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  10. #10
    triple nerd score poppy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by saslou View Post
    .. What is your usual approach? I know the I/E makes a little bit of difference but having been with an INTJ for some years, i am wondering if you would have the same follow through.
    Usually it goes something like this (at least for this example)
    Me: I don't really need to go get my hair cut, they always charge too much and I can just as easily cut it myself.
    Mom: But professionals can cut it so that when it grows out it still looks good.
    Me: My hair is like 2 feet long already. It's not going to change shape when it gets longer.
    Mom: But you're going off to college in the fall so we should get your hair cut before you leave!
    Me: ? (not seeing how that makes a difference)
    Mom: (pretends to acquiesce, changes subject, next time we're on the phone alerts me that she has scheduled us both appointments for hair and nails).
    Me:

    When I'm considering something, I'm thinking "What is the point of this? How can it be done most efficiently? Is there a better way?", and that's usually what I voice.

    No amount of explaining the reason behind why I think x seems to change that for her, which I guess is why I initially was wondering if there was a better way to communicate my sentiments besides my usual "if x then y" approach which doesn't exactly take into account what something means to her. It seems to me that she attaches sentimental value to things that I would consider to be strictly business.

    Hah, so in some ways I've answered my own question. I would feel loved if she listened to my opinion, but she expresses love by providing, and if I openly reject her gift she's hurt (but I'm not thinking of it as a gift, I'm thinking of it as an extravagance). A lot of times it's easier to just give in, but then we end up playing passive aggressive games behind each other's backs, which isn't exactly ideal.
    "There's no need to be embarrassed about it, Mr. Spock. It happens to the birds and the bees!"

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