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  1. #1
    half-nut member briochick's Avatar
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    Default Responding to an SJ

    Hi. My mother is an ISXJ. I love her. She is sweet, quiet, kind, analytical, and often quite maddening.

    One thing in particular is that she seems incapable of understanding people who are iNtuitive. This includes my father, who she's been married to for 27 years. Like, he'll get pissed off and she'll be all pouty about how he doesn't make sense and *she* would never act like that and I'll point out like "considerign this thing that happened recently maybe he feels like this so he's responding like that, which he usually does when he's feeling that way," and she'll be like "oooooooh, I didn't think of that." Sometimes I struggle not to look over at her and say "please tell me this is some cruel joke and you're not actually that dense."

    Or, she doesn't seem to acknowledge that people change. So, I don't like the color purple anymore, but I did when I was a child (and it's like she committed my childhood to memory and now can't see me beyond what I said or did or liked back then 10+ years ago) so she'll buy me something purple, instead of green (which has been my favorite beside blue for about five years), and I just smile and say thanks but deep down I'm hurt that she doesn't know me. But, if I bring it up she'll be like "well, you *used to* an I have this and this good memory of when you were a little girl and I *try so hard*...

    She also has what I have dubbed the "loaded oh." It's the word she says to convey all negative emotions, and the intonation is so nuanced I could shoot myself sometimes trying to figure it out. And, she will make you work to figure it out. No freebees from her, no sirreee. I think she considers my near-constant emoting secretly disgusting.

    Ok, I won't go on. The point is, I've got some things figured out, but these, this clinging to a single idea, that desperation to not be blamed (and this extends to all authority, she's traumatized just by the thought of being reprimanded, she'd probably have a heart attack if she got a speeding ticket), completely baffle me. I'm an INFP that walks the line between that and an ENFP. I consider myself fairly able to figure most people and their motivations out but she just...baffles and frustrates me. I wonder if I'm too close to the situation and perhaps someone else could shed some light.

    Thank you so much for your time. <- in advance
    -Brio

    "I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life; I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."
    -Teddy Roosevelt
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  2. #2
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    She sounds fine to me.
    ENTj 7-3-8 sx/sp

  3. #3
    Senior Member WickedQueen's Avatar
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    S :
    1. learned from the past and predict the future based on similar situations on the past.
    2. easily understand examples more than theories.
    3. collecting data from small details to make a conclusion.

    N :
    1. doesn't pay much attention to the past and wondering a lot about the future.
    2. easily understand theories more than examples.
    3. work from the big picture to applications.


    T :
    1. objective.
    2. hold on to the truth and justice.
    3. straight to the point.

    F :
    1. subjective.
    2. hold on to the affirmation and piece.
    3. assertive.

    J :
    1. neat, clean, organised.
    2. easily remember facts, name, and face.

    P :
    1. creative, flexible, disorganised.
    2. easily remember impressions and situations.


    .

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by briochick View Post
    Hi. My mother is an ISXJ. I love her. She is sweet, quiet, kind, analytical, and often quite maddening.

    One thing in particular is that she seems incapable of understanding people who are iNtuitive. This includes my father, who she's been married to for 27 years. Like, he'll get pissed off and she'll be all pouty about how he doesn't make sense and *she* would never act like that and I'll point out like "considerign this thing that happened recently maybe he feels like this so he's responding like that, which he usually does when he's feeling that way," and she'll be like "oooooooh, I didn't think of that." Sometimes I struggle not to look over at her and say "please tell me this is some cruel joke and you're not actually that dense."

    Or, she doesn't seem to acknowledge that people change. So, I don't like the color purple anymore, but I did when I was a child (and it's like she committed my childhood to memory and now can't see me beyond what I said or did or liked back then 10+ years ago) so she'll buy me something purple, instead of green (which has been my favorite beside blue for about five years), and I just smile and say thanks but deep down I'm hurt that she doesn't know me. But, if I bring it up she'll be like "well, you *used to* an I have this and this good memory of when you were a little girl and I *try so hard*...

    She also has what I have dubbed the "loaded oh." It's the word she says to convey all negative emotions, and the intonation is so nuanced I could shoot myself sometimes trying to figure it out. And, she will make you work to figure it out. No freebees from her, no sirreee. I think she considers my near-constant emoting secretly disgusting.

    Ok, I won't go on. The point is, I've got some things figured out, but these, this clinging to a single idea, that desperation to not be blamed (and this extends to all authority, she's traumatized just by the thought of being reprimanded, she'd probably have a heart attack if she got a speeding ticket), completely baffle me. I'm an INFP that walks the line between that and an ENFP. I consider myself fairly able to figure most people and their motivations out but she just...baffles and frustrates me. I wonder if I'm too close to the situation and perhaps someone else could shed some light.

    Thank you so much for your time. <- in advance
    I'm starting to see the problem

    Thing with being an INFP is a line like "I try so hard" etc really hits home and makes you feel bad and generally INFPs would prefer to avoid the conflict situation completely...

    I'll use the colour example (yes I will spell it like that cause I'm Australian) and say that

    A) When she says you used to like it etc say "alright letting you know for next time that I prefer XX colour now

    B) If she tries the whole guilt "I try so hard" "I remember you as a little girl" say "I don't mean to sound ungrateful I'm simply stating that I'm different now, people don't stay X years old forever"

    Speaking generally now, learn to be indifferent to her remarks, she's simply looking for what I like to call the "F" "emotive" hit for the day and an INFP is the PERFECT target for such behavior as they will generally feel bad about said thing and try and find out more (exactly what she wants)

    So yeah personally I think develop your T would be the best course of action, make yourself less vulnerable to an F onslaught

    As for S/N, usually thats just slight communication hiccups, generally not something to worry about, your conflict sounds deeper so you need to protect yourself

  5. #5
    half-nut member briochick's Avatar
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    Thank you. I'll work on that.
    -Brio

    "I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life; I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."
    -Teddy Roosevelt
    ___________________

  6. #6
    Senior Member NewEra's Avatar
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    I think you can take out the X in her and book her as ISFJ, she doesn't sound ISTJ.

  7. #7
    Supreme Allied Commander Take Five's Avatar
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    Spend more time apart. Periods of separation can be good.
    Johari Nohari

    "If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared. "--Niccolo Machiavelli

  8. #8
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FDG View Post
    She sounds fine to me.

    LOL!!!

  9. #9
    half-nut member briochick's Avatar
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    Take Five, I just spent the last 15 months abroad, that isn't enough? I've been back for less than 3 weeks! Though, I definitely am and have been working on separating myself from her. Though it's hard since I'm her only *friend*.

    TheChosenOne: ha, nice sn. The issue with my mom's mbti is that *she* believes she's an istj and she tested as an isxj. The other day I told her she "wasn't always logical or practical," and let me tell you, if looks could kill I'd be dead now. She also tends to not show emotion unless she's throwing a fit (Fine! you don't want to eat my cooking? I'll *never* cook again. I'm a horrible cook! I'm a horrible person. You're a jerk!) or being motherly (oh, sweetheart, I love you, do you want a cookie? a hug?). She makes you guess at her emotions an she's terribly difficult to read. She also doesn't even seem to know what *she* likes or wants most of the time. And, she's analytical. She works in accounting. Does that not sound T-ish?
    -Brio

    "I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life; I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well."
    -Teddy Roosevelt
    ___________________

  10. #10
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by briochick View Post
    Hi. My mother is an ISXJ. I love her. She is sweet, quiet, kind, analytical, and often quite maddening.

    One thing in particular is that she seems incapable of understanding people who are iNtuitive. This includes my father, who she's been married to for 27 years. Like, he'll get pissed off and she'll be all pouty about how he doesn't make sense and *she* would never act like that and I'll point out like "considerign this thing that happened recently maybe he feels like this so he's responding like that, which he usually does when he's feeling that way," and she'll be like "oooooooh, I didn't think of that." Sometimes I struggle not to look over at her and say "please tell me this is some cruel joke and you're not actually that dense."
    One idea is that you could see the positive in this in that at least she is open to accepting your assessment of the situation, although I know it's frustrating that she cant see that way herself at first. A lot of more stubborn people would simply reject your interpretation and never budge, so at least she's making some progress in the right directon?

    Or, she doesn't seem to acknowledge that people change. So, I don't like the color purple anymore, but I did when I was a child (and it's like she committed my childhood to memory and now can't see me beyond what I said or did or liked back then 10+ years ago) so she'll buy me something purple, instead of green (which has been my favorite beside blue for about five years), and I just smile and say thanks but deep down I'm hurt that she doesn't know me. But, if I bring it up she'll be like "well, you *used to* an I have this and this good memory of when you were a little girl and I *try so hard*...
    Well, that would be annoying to anyone. How many of us have received gifts (from anyone) that is not something we'd even like or dream of using? Coming from someone who you think should know you better, like a mother, it's pretty revealing. When I encounter situations like this where it seems impossible to change a person, I try my best to understand them better and be empathetic. It changes the way I look at things and I'm happier. Instead of focusing on the negative of their actions/words/behaviors, and having a struggle with them, I try to focus on the positive of it. Like in this case, I would see that your mother is probably holding onto that thought of you liking purple because it made her really happy. She might think of you liking purple with fond and loving thoughts, and I'd want to see my mother happy, and it really doesn't cost me much to let her give me something, so I'd probably just go along with it. But if it gets to be too much for me, I might try replacing the idea of purple in her mind with green by showing the same enthusiam for green like I did for purple. (Perhaps now that you are an adult you don't show as much enthusiasm for colors or fluff anymore so she didnt get the green?). I don't know if any of this is a good idea as I tend to be an enabler to people sometimes.

    Also, I have to agree with Take Five that maybe [slowly] separating yourself a bit more from her is a good idea. Parents dont always make the best friends.

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