[MBTI General] ISFJ vs. ESFJ

[StephMC]

So I remember seeing a thread about someone wondering if they were an ISFJ or ESFJ the other day, and I forgot to comment. I also didn't see the harm in making a thread in the SJ Guardhouse about it.

Anyways, I don't know that many SFJs except my mom and a friend, and I've always wondered if there were any huge differences. I heard ISFJs can be quite extroverted at times. Is the ESFJ very extroverted or could they be mistaken as introverted?

What are some key differences between these types?

 

[Strawberrylover]

Just from my personal experience, ISFJs are more hearth and home, ESFJs are more hostesses.

You don't see ISFJs holding parties very often, but ESFJs love to host their friends and family. They practically live for that. ISFJs like to be around people, but only to a certain limit. After they've had their fill, they like to go home and clean and cook.

When it comes to dealing with negative emotions, ISFJs are the ultimate in beating the dead horse. They just can't get over that little pebble in the shoe. For ESFJs, it seems like they get over things more quickly and are more methodical in handling difficulties. They can explode though if they get really frustrated.

That's just my unscientific, anecdotal take.

 

[Saslou]

Just from my personal experience, ISFJs are more hearth and home, ESFJs are more hostesses.

You don't see ISFJs holding parties very often, but ESFJs love to host their friends and family. They practically live for that. ISFJs like to be around people, but only to a certain limit. After they've had their fill, they like to go home and clean and cook.

When it comes to dealing with negative emotions, ISFJs are the ultimate in beating the dead horse. They just can't get over that little pebble in the shoe. For ESFJs, it seems like they get over things more quickly and are more methodical in handling difficulties. They can explode though if they get really frustrated.
That's just my unscientific, anecdotal take.

One out of 3 isn't to bad. Not every ESFJ is an hostess and live for it.
But the last one, you was right about.
Obviously from my experience.

 

[wrldisquiethere]

Just from my personal experience, ISFJs are more hearth and home, ESFJs are more hostesses.

You don't see ISFJs holding parties very often, but ESFJs love to host their friends and family. They practically live for that. ISFJs like to be around people, but only to a certain limit. After they've had their fill, they like to go home and clean and cook.

When it comes to dealing with negative emotions, ISFJs are the ultimate in beating the dead horse. They just can't get over that little pebble in the shoe. For ESFJs, it seems like they get over things more quickly and are more methodical in handling difficulties. They can explode though if they get really frustrated.

That's just my unscientific, anecdotal take.

That sounds spot on.

Honestly, there have been times when I've really wondered myself, because I know I don't usually come across as incredibly outgoing. I do love to be around people but I also like my time at home.

However, the whole "hostessing" aspect of the ESFJ personality is what has caused me to realize that is indeed my type. I absolutely love to entertain and to plan events and get-togethers with other people. I would say that 95% of my time with other people is generated by my planning. I plan outings and parties and that kind of thing. I think ISFJ's may be more inclined to plan things around their families and home life? I like to nurture my home life but then it's important to me to invite people on the outside to come and take part in it. I get energy out of hosting things and sharing my time and resources with other people.

But, no, I am not very extroverted. Honestly, I think that when a lot of people meet me they think I'm an introvert. I'm don't get all bubbly and talk people's ears off all the time (sometimes, but not all the time). But I prefer for people outside of my family and one or two friends to be involved in my life on a regular basis at my initiative and planning. It makes me happy and excited like NOTHING else does.

And, yes, I also try very hard to balance that with my responsibilities, which means, like Strawberry lover said*, that I can only manage so much hostessing and time away from home participating in certain events...I have a duty to manage my other responsibilities and that weighs heavily on me.

My preference is to engage in about three social activities or service group projects a week...planned by me, if possible.

Think Mary Tyler Moore. They say she's an ESFJ for good reason.

 

[Fidelia]

Wow you are a mind reader, Steph! This appeared at the same time as I posted something about that in another SJ thread. Thank you for starting it, and to the rest of you, keep going. I want to know more!

 

[Eiddy]

Those parts Sas highlighted I do agree with. I also can seem very outgoing I get a good sense of people and can open right up, but what I do adore is getting out by myself. Doesn't mean I don't like people, I can keep one person beside me continuously and never feel like I had to much of him or her. 1 on 1 being the main point here. On the other hand get me around too many people and I can clam up pretty fast.

Yeah I can hold grudges, but only if there has been constant dripping pressure. I deal with high school students and they haven't will all their excitement, talking, and general playing around, yet they haven't seen my bad side. My husband is the only one who has seen it (on rare occasions). So don't worry I don't bite.

 

[Strawberrylover]

But, no, I am not very extroverted. Honestly, I think that when a lot of people meet me they think I'm an introvert. I'm don't get all bubbly and talk people's ears off all the time (sometimes, but not all the time). But I prefer for people outside of my family and one or two friends to be involved in my life on a regular basis at my initiative and planning. It makes me happy and excited like NOTHING else does.

I think my ESFJ friend would agree with you. She's also an introverted extrovert. She's out there, but she's not in your face with being loud and spontaneous. She just has a great, very friendly and pleasing presence. I love healthy SFJs!

The thing that amazes me about her is that she's involved in peoples' lives in just the right amount. She's caring but not invasive, hands off but not negligent, helpful but not judgmental. She's just a very steadying and stabilizing force and that's why she's a great hostess. No matter your type, you know you'll be treated well in her home.

My mom was an ISFJ who also liked to host from time to time, but you could tell it wore her out and she didn't take as much pleasure in it. What she took great pleasure in was a clean house with the smell of good food cooking on the stove. That was her ultimate satisfaction in life.

 

[wrldisquiethere]

Just to clarify: if I am looking to spend time by myself, it is for a practical purpose or to fulfill a duty, not because I prefer to be by myself.

 

[Saslou]

1 - I do love to be around people but I also like my time at home.

2 - However, the whole "hostessing" aspect of the ESFJ personality is what has caused me to realize that is indeed my type.

3 - But, no, I am not very extroverted.

4 - It makes me happy and excited like NOTHING else does.

See this is where i start to question myself again. Yet each test says ESFJ.

1 - Totally agree.
2 - Never been into hostessing at all.
3 - I am very much an extrovert.
4 - What makes me incredibly happy now is being selfish and putting myself first.

 

[Eiddy]

I agree with number 4 too!

Edited: For myself that is

 

[wrldisquiethere]

One out of 3 isn't to bad. Not every ESFJ is an hostess and live for it.
But the last one, you was right about.
Obviously from my experience.

I agree with number 4 too!

Edited: For myself that is

My #4 or her #4? You are an ISFJ, correct?

I think what people should remember is that introversion vs. extroversion is not necessarily about how outgoing a person is. It has more to do with whether or not they receive more energy from being alone/with a small group of people or from a large group of family and friends.

I don't have to be around 100 people to have a fun time, but my ideal group size is about 10 friends at a time. In that setting, at a party I'm hosting, I literally come alive.

 

[Saslou]

I can be around family and bounce off the walls.
I can home alone and be talking to Eiddy on here and again i am bouncing off her vibes.

I can go days without seeing my family or any other adult interaction. Me and my brother are the same (both E). That is because of how we were brought up though. Free spirits, independence and you want it, you get it was pushed on us as kids.

Every ESFJ and ISFJ are going to behave slightly different although having some shared characteristics as all of us have different life experiences.
And never one to want to be placed into a box ....

 

[Eiddy]

My #4 or her #4? You are an ISFJ, correct?

I think what people should remember is that introversion vs. extroversion is not necessarily about how outgoing a person is. It has more to do with whether or not they receive more energy from being alone or with a small group of people or from a large group of family and friends.

I don't have to be around 100 people to have a fun time, but my ideal group size is about 10 friends at a time.

With Sas's number 4.

So true about the extroversion and introversion. My ideal group size is 2, or 3. I'm always thinking if I have excluded someone from a conversation and then start wondering off into all these thoughts. So with 2 or 3 it is easier to create a sense of close companionship as long as the energy is evenly distributed amongst the three. I do prefer one other person much more, since I would hate to feel like the third wheel should the exclusion fall upon me. I think I will go drown myself now, how dreadful the thoughts are.

 

[wrldisquiethere]

I can be around family and bounce off the walls.
I can home alone and be talking to Eiddy on here and again i am bouncing off her vibes.

I can go days without seeing my family or any other adult interaction. Me and my brother are the same (both E). That is because of how we were brought up though. Free spirits, independence and you want it, you get it was pushed on us as kids.

Every ESFJ and ISFJ are going to behave slightly different although having some shared characteristics as all of us have different life experiences.
And never one to want to be placed into a box ....

I am definitely not trying to second-guess your type. You know yourself better than I do. I just meant to throw that in about E/I as a general thought pertinent to the conversation, not directed at you.

One thing I am thinking through is that you have children and I'm sure they require a great deal of your attention and you feel your responsibility to them. I am single and do not have children, and my time is more my own at this phase of my life. Even since having a boyfriend, my social life has slowed down a bit to make time for him, and I'm sure once kids enter the picture it will change in some ways again as my primary responsibility will be to my family. I definitely have dreams of being a wife/mother who hosts dinner parties and takes her children and their friends to the zoo for birthdays, but I know that the reality of life is that children are draining and this kind of thing is not always possible.

With Sas's number 4.

So true about the extroversion and introversion. My ideal group size is 2, or 3. I'm always thinking if I have excluded someone from a conversation and then start wondering off into all these thoughts. So with 2 or 3 it is easier to create a sense of close companionship as long as the energy is evenly distributed amongst the three. I do prefer one other person much more, since I would hate to feel like the third wheel should the exclusion fall upon me. I think I will go drown myself now, how dreadful the thoughts are.

But that's the fun and the challenge of it! If you have at least ten people, it means that at least two conversations are going on at all times! The challenge is to go back and forth between the different groups, participate in conversation in both, and make everyone feel equally welcome!

 

[Saslou]

I am definitely not trying to second-guess your type. You know yourself better than I do. I just meant to throw that in about E/I as a general thought pertinent to the conversation, not directed at you.

One thing I am thinking through is that you have children and I'm sure they require a great deal of your attention and you feel your responsibility to them. I am single and do not have children, and my time is more my own at this phase of my life. Even since having a boyfriend, my social life has slowed down a bit to make time for him, and I'm sure once kids enter the picture it will change in some ways again as my primary responsibility will be to my family. I definitely have dreams of being a wife/mother who hosts dinner parties and takes her children and their friends to the zoo for birthdays, but I know that the reality of life is that children are draining and this kind of thing is not always possible.

I know you are not trying to do that darling. I suppose having them come first before me, yeah, i neglected to have/keep a social life. I did go out on some work do's and have a great time. I have just never invited anyone round to eat with me and the kids. My little world is safe. I want to keep it that way.

I have never been invited to a dinner party until i got to Canada, all about networking apparantly. Although slightly anxious at first as the hostess i only knew from a online forum. I had a brilliant time. And i made 2 friend who i have on facebook.

 

[Eiddy]

But that's the fun and the challenge of it! If you have at least ten people, it means that at least two conversations are going on at all times! The challenge is to go back and forth between the different groups, participate in conversation in both, and make everyone feel equally welcome!

Sound like a waitressing job I had for two days and made a grand total.... of... 50 cents Only because I kept a guy's cup of coffee filled. Couldn't remember orders, forget to ask how they wanted their eggs done, if they wanted a side of toast or something else with that etc. It was the worst nightmare of a job I had. lol Hostessing, seems kind of the same and is not for the faint at heart.

 

[Clonester]

Both are very homely. The females are stereotypical females. Both like to plan.

My mother is an ISFJ, and has to be very coerced into doing anything socially. I have to use all my ENFP social persuasive powers to get her to do anything out of the house. She's more than game to have me over to her place and watch a movie. The stay at home type.

A close ESFJ friend is very social. She's not like ExxP's with the crazy extroversion. But she always has social plans. And is a very good host, BTW.

 

[d@v3]

My mother is an ESFJ, she can be on the phone with her sister-in-law for HHHOOUURRRSSS!!! :rolli:

She loves to be a hostess and clean and what not.

She also likes to go out and socialize, but ONLY after all work is completed. Work before play... I guess thats where I get my 'SJ' from!

 

[Magic Poriferan]

Si vs Fe.

ISFJ is more insular. More bound to a self beaten path.
ESFJ is more populist. Makes calculations off of prevailing sentiments.

ESFJ tries to work with the convention, however it may change. The ISFJ has convinction to stick to what it knows.

That's a really simple description, and probably has all the pitfalls of one. I tried to twice to write an in depths response to this, but I realized that I didn't need to be editing a thesis for this thread.

 

[StephMC]

Thanks for all the input guys! It was really helpful I thought there was a pretty fine line between these two, only because my mom, who I believe is an ESFJ, -does- like her time to herself. But she definitely plays the role of the initiating Extrovert, without seeming super outgoing. She took a personality test that measured how much she used each function, and Fe was definitely the highest, followed by Si. However, the rest of her function order implied ISFJ, so that's what she scored as. After reading all these posts though, I still think she leans more toward ESFJ.

One more question, do you ESFJs do a lot of introverted activities like reading? My mom's always been a bookworm. But at the same time, she likes being involved in competitive group sports and games.

Another point of interest... it seems SFJ guys are -very- different from SFJ girls... or do y'all disagree?