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[MBTI General] FJs and holding grudges

Tea Party

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Hello again! :O

In personalitypage.com's portrait of an ISFJ: "If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set."
I don't know how it is for other FJ types, but I've found that this is very true for me, and I'm thinking it's probably more true for FJ types than other types.

Does anyone else struggle with holding deep-seeded grudges againt specific people? How do you deal with it?
 

Kasper

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If you're using MBTI to find reasons to hate particular types then you're using it wrong. So very wrong.

I don't buy that you can't help it or that your hatred is something you've unwilling developed, if you recognise it you can change it unless you don't want to, in which case it's a choice. MBTI would be better used to understand different types than as a way to write off entire groups of people.

Hatred is not a necessary evil, it makes people bitter and gives an excuse to blame others for how we feel.
 

Tea Party

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If you're using MBTI to find reasons to hate particular types then you're using it wrong. So very wrong.

I don't buy that you can't help it or that your hatred is something you've unwilling developed, if you recognise it you can change it unless you don't want to, in which case it's a choice. MBTI would be better used to understand different types than as a way to write off entire groups of people.

Hatred is not a necessary evil, it makes people bitter and gives an excuse to blame others for how we feel.

... I know. o_o I realize all this, that's why I'm framing it as a problem. It seems like a problem any FJ would tend to deal with, if they ran into a prolonged and particularly emotionally distressing/traumatic situation caused specifically by a person with an MBTI type very different from their own.
 

/DG/

silentigata ano (profile)
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You sound like you're just using MBTI as an excuse for your problems and using it for prejudices.
 

Tea Party

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You sound like you're just using MBTI as an excuse for your problems and using it for prejudices.

Okay, sure, I could be? e_e But like I said before, I'm just saying it just seems like something a strong FJ would have trouble with. Like, certain mannerisms could remind them of a negative experience and so all the unpleasantness of that feeling could transfer over into preemptive dislike for that person. SURELY I'm not the only person who has ever done this. Lots of people have types whom they just know that they simply do not get along with. I'm not trying to justify hatred, I'm just curious as to whether this is a problem especially prominent in FJ types.

Look, I'll even delete all the stuff in the first post that's specifically about me. I was just trying to give an example.
 

/DG/

silentigata ano (profile)
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I'm just saying that it might be healthier for you to stay away from MBTI if it does this to you. Sorry if I'm hijacking your thread, but I don't think that you should be using MBTI this way...
 

Tea Party

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I'm just saying that it might be healthier for you to stay away from MBTI if it does this to you. Sorry if I'm hijacking your thread, but I don't think that you should be using MBTI this way...

No... MBTI didn't "do this" to me, my "negative experience" did. MBTI just helps me articulate it better. ._. I think if we were all being completely honest most of us would say that we've used MBTI in this way before, at least once.
 

/DG/

silentigata ano (profile)
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No... MBTI didn't "do this" to me, my "negative experience" did. MBTI just helps me articulate it better. ._. I think if we were all being completely honest most of us would say that we've used MBTI in this way before, at least once.

Ehh, I just mean that you shouldn't relate your negative experience of said person with any people of said person's type. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I have a hard time with people who exhibit prejudices. I was about to post a rant earlier about prejudices and people. :/ Honestly, I've never done that before, but I'm still new to MBTI so meh.
 

Tea Party

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Ehh, I just mean that you shouldn't relate your negative experience of said person with any people of said person's type. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I have a hard time with people who exhibit prejudices. I was about to post a rant earlier about prejudices and people. :/ Honestly, I've never done that before, but I'm still new to MBTI so meh.

That's because you're a T. The origins of prejudice are always emotion-based and never logic-based, so that's why I assume that Fs are much more prone to developing biases.
 
D

Dali

Guest
I believe that the OP wants to know how to deal with what they have recognised as a hurdle within themselves.

Contrary to what some of the commenters may have perceived, they aren't purely using at as a crutch and stumbling blindly on.
 

/DG/

silentigata ano (profile)
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That's because you're a T. The origins of prejudice are always emotion-based and never logic-based, so that's why I assume that Fs are much more prone to developing biases.
Very true. Although my parents are very prejudiced and they both strike me as T's. :/ Actually, I'm not quite so sure about my mother...

I believe that the OP wants to know how to deal with what they have recognised as a hurdle within themselves.

Contrary to what some of the commenters may have perceived, they aren't simply using at as a crutch and stumbling blindly on.
Methinks I should let someone useful carry on the conversation now. :tongue:
 

BerberElla

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I believe that the OP wants to know how to deal with what they have recognised as a hurdle within themselves.

Contrary to what some of the commenters may have perceived, they aren't purely using at as a crutch and stumbling blindly on.

Word. :yes:

Tea party the only thing that helped me slowly overcome my negative view of ISTj's was using this forum and learning about the types properly, not to say that I am an expert, far from it, but like you I had a very very bad experience with an ISTj and at one stage I swore blind I would never let one anywhere near me again. (bearing in mind I am a P, and this was most likely going to change from new information)

It was silly for me to see it that way, but emotional reactions can often do that to a person, so I know where you are coming from in regard to your judgement on enxp's because of your bad experience.


You obviously aren't using it extremely negatively just yet, because you refer to 2 close friends that you class as very good friends who are in fact the type you have bad memories of, so just keep being open to giving anyone of that type a chance.

Of course we should never judge a person by their type, but irrational reactions based on bad memories makes it quite understandable why a person would.

It's good that you recognise you need to change that, because that actually means you will. :)

I wouldn't keep an istj at arms length now, I realise that my ex istj was just psychotic.
 

Saslou

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In the past yes, i did hold grudges.

I held a grudge against my children's father for a good 6 odd years. Don't ever hurt my kids, or i'll kill you. He hurt my children and i had to pick up the pieces. He knows i am back in the UK and has sent messages to me. Now i am not letting it get to me. He can call me every name under the sun but i won't take the bait anymore. I have explained to my children that if they choose to see him and he messes them around, i won't pick up the pieces this time. This bloke knows how to manipulate the fook out of me so i cant let him too close.

Now my ex .. for what he did to me, i don't hold a grudge against him at all. Although myself and the children got hurt.

Funny that.
 

Fluffywolf

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My sister (ESFJ) doesn't hold grudges for longer than a few days. However, when someone does something grudge worthy, she'll spank their ass to oblivion and completely severes ties. The grudge usually lasts as long as it takes for her to cut all ties.

She's comparable to a T-rex occasionally getting a bone stuck between the teeth.
 

Snow Turtle

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I think awareness of the behaviour pretty much cancels out the entire thing. I hold grudges, not in a "I hate you" way but if I gain a negative impression... it has a tendancy to stick with me for a long time even if I realise that it's silly.
 

Clonester

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My mother (ISFJ) holds grudges. It's usually from things done to her over time, or things she perceives were done to her. Sometimes she would feel snubbed because she wasn't invited to something, when really she was just probably overlooked and nothing was intentional. She'll also give the silent treatment and be upset for several days when she is wronged, even by me. My anger blows off in maybe an hour, and she's still upset long after.

I'm not sure what the solution is to this. Maybe try to be a bit more easygoing about things that occur and perhaps vocalize the issue long before deep feelings make an ISFJ hold a grudge. Also realize that not everything done to you is intentional.
 

Tiny Army

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My ISFJ stepmother and ENFJ mother both do this as well. It takes a really long time for me to develop a grudge and it is usually because I cannot distance myself from those people (instances of I live with them/am related to them/work with them). Once I have had time to breathe I can usually get over it. I always try to address the problem directly and frequently get attacked for this. I know I have a bad temper, and I always try to leave the room until I process my thoughts, but that's all it is; a flare up. It's over quite quickly.
 

Eiddy

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I can hold grudges, especially with my kids, since they are close to me and should know how to not take certain attitudes with me (the older ones of course) as for the my younger ones they act up not to be defiant. For some odd reason I could take a lot crap from my students or others.

With my ex, although it was the worst situation I have ever been in. It was so long ago that I don't hold any feelings. Things just happened to turn out the way they did and it would take too much energy to hold on to those negative feelings, just draining myself in the end.

Outside my family and close friends I don't let them get close enough to me to hold grudges. Like my boss at work, I figure it is just a mental disorder that he acts out like he does. Others I really don't get close to in order to have those deep seated feelings towards.
 

Eiddy

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My ISFJ stepmother and ENFJ mother both do this as well. It takes a really long time for me to develop a grudge and it is usually because I cannot distance myself from those people (instances of I live with them/am related to them/work with them). Once I have had time to breathe I can usually get over it. I always try to address the problem directly and frequently get attacked for this. I know I have a bad temper, and I always try to leave the room until I process my thoughts, but that's all it is; a flare up. It's over quite quickly.

:yes: Nicely put!
 
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