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  1. #11
    No me digas, che! Recoleta's Avatar
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    If I'm in conflict with someone at work or somewhere where I don't have to deal with the person a whole lot I figure that I just have to tolerate them in a professional manner and go about my life. I feel no need to pick conflicts with people I don't really know/care about. I'll just keep it inside and not worry about it.

    If I'm in a conflict with someone I care about, it bothers me a lot. I need resolution and closure for those situations. Disarming these situations is really difficult for me, as I'm probably not good at nipping these things in the bud. The problem is sometimes I will avoid talking about issues in the hope that they will just blow over and eventually resolve themselves...kinda along the lines of what you mentioned about your dad, fidelia. I don't really know why I do this since I know that it's just easier to say something than passive-aggressively being annoyed by it.

    I can only think of 1 situation in my life where this happened and blew up completely. It was with my old roommate, and we had a "passive-aggressive silent war" going on. It was terrible, because we really were friends, but we were both silently mad with one another and wouldn't say anything about the problem. Eventually, the tension got really bad, and things exploded...I was actually really relieved that this happened, because it meant resolution and openness were coming despite compromise being a tough thing to reach. Something HAD to be said, and I felt so relieved...I had been feeling sick about the situation for awhile, and I hated being angry with her.

    In a way, letting tension build and then having a rapid release is almost nice sometimes. I'm not trying to say that it is a healthy thing to do, but really, it kinda lets people see the real you -- sometimes it's very freeing to be ruled by your emotions and to just say exactly what you want and be mad, etc. For me, fighting with a loved one is almost an intimate experience because it means I have finally reached a point of complete vulnerability and I can't have any walls up. So, in a way, conflict is both a terrible and wonderful experience all in one.

  2. #12
    Senior Member Amira's Avatar
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    That LAST thing to do to an upset ISTJ is to try to make the show it. If you bring me to tears, you've REALLY screwed up.
    Yeah. And how. This was actually the main problem I used to have with my dad, an NF, and me for years - he wanted me to be obviously upset or he didn't think I was paying attention. This was unconscious for him, and made me push back defensively, thus confirming that I really wasn't trying to fix things. Gah!!! :steam: Fortunately we finally managed to change some of those patterns and usually get along much better now.

    In a way, letting tension build and then having a rapid release is almost nice sometimes. I'm not trying to say that it is a healthy thing to do, but really, it kinda lets people see the real you -- sometimes it's very freeing to be ruled by your emotions and to just say exactly what you want and be mad, etc. For me, fighting with a loved one is almost an intimate experience because it means I have finally reached a point of complete vulnerability and I can't have any walls up. So, in a way, conflict is both a terrible and wonderful experience all in one.
    I understand what you're saying here. For me it's really exhausting to do the blowup thing so I do try to avoid it to my utmost, but when it has happened it is very intimate in a sense. If I'm that mad I'll start by crying from anger and crying is a very private thing to let someone in on, for me. And yeah, it can be nice to just disable the automatic speech filter I was born with!
    Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~Plato

  3. #13
    No me digas, che! Recoleta's Avatar
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    Yes, those are exactly my sentiments, Amira. Indeed, blowup situations are really grueling. I completely relate to what you said about crying out of frustration and anger. I work myself up so much that I just break down...without fail, it happens every time. I hate crying in front of others...and even more, I hate being angry with those I love.

    When I cry, there is really 1 ideal thing that the other person should do: Comfort me, and stop yelling. Clearly I am upset, and I don't want to be. If I have been brought to tears you need to stop, and we need to discuss whatever problem we have as equals. ISTJs are not the kind to take advantage of the crying game. We don't whine and cry about insignifigant things...we cry when something is REALLY wrong.

    Once I was in a fight with my dad, and I started crying out of anger....he laughed at me. Never. Ever. Do. That. It. Is. A. Terrible. Idea.

  4. #14
    Perfect Gentleman! =D d@v3's Avatar
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    Two ways I deal with conflict: Spearhead (take it head on) or Ignore it and deal with it in a professional manner. If it is personal though, then it is dealt usually with the spearhead routine.
    Freedom Isn't Free. [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  5. #15
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    So how do you take it head on?

  6. #16
    Supreme Allied Commander Take Five's Avatar
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    I hate conflict being unresolved. When I see the impossibility of resolving a conflict, I negotiate a deal that tries to get both parties to forget the problem. Usually though I spearhead through conflict and try to get my way.
    Johari Nohari

    "If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared. "--Niccolo Machiavelli

  7. #17
    Senior Member wrldisquiethere's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Does unresolved conflict bother you? If so, how do you deal with it? Do you think SJs would handle it similarly as a whole or slightly differently depending on which of the four types they are?
    It drives me CRAZY. I can't relax about it as long as it's unresolved. Even if it is unresolved for years...if something reminds me of that, I will still be uncomfortable thinking about it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lightning_Rider View Post
    I don't like it.

    Depending on the severity and nature of the conflict, and the subject of course, it will bother me / cause me anxiety until it is resolved. I will usually try and think of ways to resolve it, and it will be one of the things on my mind constantly if the nature of the conflict is important to me.
    This is my reaction, as well.

    I'll usually try every single thing I can come up with to resolve the issue. If the other person has no interest in resolving the matter, it frustrates me to no end. If I reach a point where I've tried everything and nothing works, I feel like a failure. I can become really sad and/or angry. On the outside, I give an impression of "Whatever, I don't care," but on the inside it kills me.
    Si, Fe equal Fi & Ti

    "I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it." -Mitch Hedberg

  8. #18
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Take Five - what if your way isn't working for the other person?

    wrldisquietthere - How do you manage to pull off the "Whatever I don't care" to other people? I can't hide it for the life of me, even when I know that there is nothing that can be done and it isn't productive to keep rehashing!

  9. #19
    Supreme Allied Commander Take Five's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Take Five - what if your way isn't working for the other person?
    I kill him.

    Seriously, if the other person doesn't like my way, I don't particularly care, as long as I know I'm not doing wrong. I will try to persuade the other person.
    Johari Nohari

    "If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared. "--Niccolo Machiavelli

  10. #20
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    That works great if they are persuadeable and if it isn't going to matter long term. What if you are married to someone who wants some input into the solution and who isn't going to just forget about it or necessarily take the course of action you have decided on without some back and forth discussion (not just your persuasion?).

    I'm not trying to be difficult. I have just seen this situation happen a number of times, particularly in the couples that are an NF/STJ matching (I know at least five couples like this). Whether they've stayed together or separately, this solution rarely seems to work well for the NF and the STJ rarely seems to deviate from course. Should this matching just be avoided altogether because both parties would need to do too much adjusting to operate honestly and naturally?

    I also wonder if the my way or the highway approach works very well when raising children. Maybe it just depends which types you get.

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