[ISTJ] Ask the ISTJ

[anii]

No, no -- sadists are willing to do anything to you.

That reminds me, is there a correlation between ISTJ - and sadism?

Are ISTJs drawn to BDSM?

And if so, do they tend to be Dominant?

 

[swordpath]

I'm not really sexually active nor have I done much exploring/experimenting around in the sexual field but I've never been intrigued by the idea of S&M myself. But that's just one guy's view on the matter.

And in response to your question about being affectionate and warm, are you talking within a romantic relationship? Assuming you are, really all it is to me is being comfortable and secure within the relationship. Not naturally are we touchy-feely all the time, but at least for myself, just like anyone else, I desire being physically close to someone and all that that entails (hugging, cuddling, kissing and all that fluffy stuff). From what I've seen in my own life and what I know to be true, if you feel like someone is apprehensive or aloof, the natural tendency is to withdraw as well because you don't know what the person is feeling and what to make of it. This doesn't necessarily mean game-over. It just means you should make the move.

I'm not sure I answered the question in the context you intended. I can try my best to answer again if you want to be more specific.

 

[anii]

What about the code?

 

[swordpath]

It's down, right, left, left, triangle, square, triangle, circle.

Don't tell a soul!

 

[anii]

Thank you for your honest response.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

My question is ... seeing as how ISTJs base things on previous experiences. How do you convince them that the past has changed? How can you get them to understand that situations can change from how they once were?

 

[Recoleta]

You're probably gonna have to be more specific with your question because I'm not entirely sure what you're asking.

To think of a hypothetical situation: If you're talking about a past lover that cheated on the ISTJ (but not you), and now you are in a relationship with them, and they are insecure and scared of being cheated on again or something then the way to go about changing their mind and getting them to trust you would be extreme consistency on your part. Really, you need consistent proof if you're gonna change an ISTJ's mind about something.

However, let's say that you cheated on the ISTJ, and the ISTJ left you because of it, and you're trying to get him/her back and convice him/her that the situation has changed. The chances of you reconciling are likely 0%...really, even if they eventually forgive you, you will never have their trust again.

If, in your question, you were talking in general about how to change our minds about something...then I'd just say consistency and reassurance...but both of these things have to make logical sense, otherwise we still won't believe you.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

Those were good examples and it definately helped me understand more.

A specific example would be a failed past relationship. An ISTJ refusing to believe that a person has changed because of their past experience in a relationship with them. It's as if an ISTJ doesn't allow a person to grow if they knew what they were like before.
None of this deals with cheating, but rather with immaturity and personal differences.

How can you convince an ISTJ that a person can change from how they used to be in the past?

 

[Recoleta]

Ok, thanks for clarifying a little.

To answer your question, a good motto for ISTJ's is "Actions speak louder than words." I think that it would be a good idea to first directly talk to your ISTJ and let them know how you feel and what you're thinking (we can be horribly bad at reading people and guessing at their feelings).

Second piece of advice is to practice patience. The ISTJ will likely remain cold and untelling of their feelings, but trust me, a lot goes on under the surface that you never see. Beneath the cold exterior we are weighing pros and cons to infinity...this is where extreme consistency can only help you and where our rigid parts start to chip away. Don't put on a "show" of consistent behavior when you are around the ISTJ, you really actually have to be consistent across the many levels of your life (While spontaneity is lots of fun, unstable people are not). If you're telling me one thing, but news gets back to me that you have contradicted your word then I will not be inclined to believe a word you say. What I'm saying is you have to be REAL and honest with ISTJ's. It's totally ok to have faults/immaturity to work on, but be open and honest about them. Don't try to hide them from the ISTJ, because if they find out later that you act one way around them, and a different way around other people you will likely be viewed as hypocritical...which will make it impossible for you to have a deep realtionship with them (especially of the romantic kind).

Having patience is really important, because you have to allow us time to collect "data" and weigh the pros and cons (as in, you have to let us decide that you/the situation really has changed). Don't come jumping at us and asking for answers too quickly or too often. A little nudge now and again is ok, but don't be too aggressive. Find a way to ease yourself back into their life, make yourself visible and present, and then wait...let them come to you.

Really, consistency and time....that's all it takes. Also, noticing the small details will help you out too. ISTJ's don't look for big, flamboyant displays of affection, it's really in the small, thoughtful things that get us.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

Thanks so much, Recoleta! That makes a lot of sense to me now.

It is tough not knowing what exactly is going on deep down with them, there is always so much thinking going on that I am unaware of!

From all of this information, is it valid to say that if an ISTJ is on the fence about something, it's better to let them figure it out than to try and convince them otherwise?

 

[Recoleta]

Well, it really depends on the dynamics of the situation. There are times when I like input (usually from a safe 3rd party), and there are times that I just like to be left alone to reach a decision. Personally, as a female, I usually confide in people that I trust (my best friends and my parents), but I can't say that that is something male ISTJs often do.

I think you should just make sure your ISTJ knows where you stand, and then back off the topic and let them think about it. Bring up the topic in a serious way...like try and have a good conversation about it, and then tell them that they don't have to have an answer now, but ask them to come to you when they are ready, and let them know that you'll be waiting for them to decide. By doing that you're appealing to their sense of duty and plus you're leaving something open and without closure. ISTJs like to be sure where they stand with people, and not having closure can stress an ISTJ out. Once you make your position clear, I think it's best to just stand back and let them do all their calculations, but in the mean time, stay present and consistent in their life.

Good luck!

 

[2XtremeENFP]

Thanks so much! You're awesome!

 

[Homini Lupus]

My question is could you define how does Si as dominant function works? How does it relate with the past, the present and the possible futures? About the past: what's important in past experiences (perceived things, rationalisations of past experiences, feelings...)? How does the past relate with the problems to solve here and now?

 

[RooDee]

Those were good examples and it definately helped me understand more.

A specific example would be a failed past relationship. An ISTJ refusing to believe that a person has changed because of their past experience in a relationship with them. It's as if an ISTJ doesn't allow a person to grow if they knew what they were like before.
None of this deals with cheating, but rather with immaturity and personal differences.

How can you convince an ISTJ that a person can change from how they used to be in the past?

Proof that will take time. IMO, I could see change in another person through maturity and personal differences, but if it was cheating, hell no.

 

[batumi]

Ok, thanks for clarifying a little.

To answer your question, a good motto for ISTJ's is "Actions speak louder than words." I think that it would be a good idea to first directly talk to your ISTJ and let them know how you feel and what you're thinking (we can be horribly bad at reading people and guessing at their feelings).

Second piece of advice is to practice patience. The ISTJ will likely remain cold and untelling of their feelings, but trust me, a lot goes on under the surface that you never see. Beneath the cold exterior we are weighing pros and cons to infinity...this is where extreme consistency can only help you and where our rigid parts start to chip away. Don't put on a "show" of consistent behavior when you are around the ISTJ, you really actually have to be consistent across the many levels of your life (While spontaneity is lots of fun, unstable people are not). If you're telling me one thing, but news gets back to me that you have contradicted your word then I will not be inclined to believe a word you say. What I'm saying is you have to be REAL and honest with ISTJ's. It's totally ok to have faults/immaturity to work on, but be open and honest about them. Don't try to hide them from the ISTJ, because if they find out later that you act one way around them, and a different way around other people you will likely be viewed as hypocritical...which will make it impossible for you to have a deep realtionship with them (especially of the romantic kind).

Having patience is really important, because you have to allow us time to collect "data" and weigh the pros and cons (as in, you have to let us decide that you/the situation really has changed). Don't come jumping at us and asking for answers too quickly or too often. A little nudge now and again is ok, but don't be too aggressive. Find a way to ease yourself back into their life, make yourself visible and present, and then wait...let them come to you.

Really, consistency and time....that's all it takes. Also, noticing the small details will help you out too. ISTJ's don't look for big, flamboyant displays of affection, it's really in the small, thoughtful things that get us.

Ok, how soon can you move in with me as a personal advisor?