User Tag List

Results 1 to 4 of 4

  1. #1
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    MBTI
    ISTP
    Enneagram
    6w5 sx/sp
    Posts
    5,537

    Default ESTJ relationship problem...

    I dated an ESTJ. (I'm an INTP). It was a good relationship. We rarely fought and he was a lot of fun. However, the relationship ended abruptly with him "getting scared" and "running". (He just stopped talking to me and then 2 weeks later broke up with me via text message). We are friends now and have been for a while. But it is apparent that this "running" is a pattern in his relationships. Both before me (as I learned) and after me (as I've seen - although I have encouraged him not end his last relationship the same way he did with me, as it was so hurtful).
    He usually is always in a relationship but never for more than a year and then he bolts to the next one. When I ask him about why he does it; he says he doesn't know. He is in law enforcement and is very competent at his job. However, whenever I ask him about anything emotional he gets incredibly antsy and visibly nervous. It's almost comical how scared he gets. The juxtaposition between the way he normally carries himself and when asked anything about his emotions is amazing!
    I'm wondering if this pattern is familiar to any of you ESTJ's? Or can shed any light?

  2. #2
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    MBTI
    ESTP
    Enneagram
    7w8 sx/so
    Socionics
    SLE
    Posts
    6,927

    Default

    Two thoughts for you:

    (NOTE: I'm an ESTP, but my Father is an ESTJ, and I know the type well.)

    (1) My cousin is a police officer and he behaved similarly and openly stated that he had a HUGE amount of fear to get into a serious relationship, let alone married, because so many of his cop buddies ended up getting divorced, and he associated (in great part) that with the stresses of working in law enforcement.

    (2) As an ESTP with really strong "T" I can tell you that EMOTIONS are not really our forte, nor would they be for an ESTJ with strong "T". We are tacticle people, we make things happen in real time in accordance with our perception of the world.

    Once we get into territory that we are not ostensibly masters of, such as FEELINGS, we get uncomfortable. Your ex-BF might be really uncomfortable dealing with his feelings, and ends up getting hostile/displaced when they well up in him, or even more so if someone else is trying to conjure them up from inside him.

    I have seen VERY LIMITED emotions from my father during my life, and I am 35. He has them, they are real, but they are exhibited entirely at his discretion.
    -------------
    That's it from me, I hope that is helpful info for you. Good luck! Don't wait around forever for that fellow. The best thing you can do is move on. If things are meant to be between you and him they will happen later, but now is apparently not the time.

    Cheers!



    -Alex

  3. #3
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 so/sx
    Posts
    11,131

    Default

    My ESTJ broke up the same way - not talking or else pretending all was well for about three weeks. Just before he had told me that he realized he was distancing me and didn't want to do that anymore and wanted us to spend more time together. When we finally did talk (three appointments for him to make supper and us talk which he did the first part but not the second), he had already decided we were breaking up with no explanation given. We've remained friendish since, but it's odd. He is older and never married. He had a 7 year live in relationship, broke up in the spring and started dating me in the fall. We were together 5 years although we could see by the end it was not going to work out living elsewhere, but were going to break up when we both left at the end of the year. Seems to be a pattern of being scared to be close to people. He's very popular, but in five years I was the only person he was close to here. He has two high school friends he has stayed sort of close to through the years and his sister. That's it. I've seen emotions from him on occasion, but it's rare. He doesn't tend to explain what's going on inside him, which makes it difficult to guess. I'm an INFJ and don't like not knowing. He needs to know about concrete things, I need to know about things like thought processes and motivations for behaviour. I become just as distraught as him when I don't know. I really don't think the intention is to hurt people, although that is the outcome.

  4. #4
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    ESTJ
    Enneagram
    173 so/sx
    Posts
    18,436

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MDP2525 View Post
    I dated an ESTJ. (I'm an INTP). It was a good relationship. We rarely fought and he was a lot of fun. However, the relationship ended abruptly with him "getting scared" and "running".
    ...
    He usually is always in a relationship but never for more than a year and then he bolts to the next one. When I ask him about why he does it; he says he doesn't know. He is in law enforcement and is very competent at his job. However, whenever I ask him about anything emotional he gets incredibly antsy and visibly nervous. It's almost comical how scared he gets. The juxtaposition between the way he normally carries himself and when asked anything about his emotions is amazing!
    I'm wondering if this pattern is familiar to any of you ESTJ's? Or can shed any light?
    Poor guy. I pity him. It's definitely similar to many ESTJ qualities I know about, though I've never seen it manifest itself this way. It makes a lot of sense, typologically speaking... but it just isn't healthy. I think it's all fear of taking that "next step" in a relationship - read: fear of getting hurt. He obviously isn't exactly in touch with his emotions (see the bolded sections of the quote). Not that being in touch with one's emotions is an ESTJ's strong suit - but this is a whole new level, man.
    ~ g e t f e s t i v e ! ~


    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"



    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
    1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
    want to ask me something? go for it!

Similar Threads

  1. INTP and ESTJ Relationships
    By highlander in forum Intertype Relations
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 04-18-2015, 08:40 AM
  2. INFP and ESTJ Relationships
    By highlander in forum Intertype Relations
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 03-31-2015, 10:19 PM
  3. Replies: 1
    Last Post: 02-15-2012, 10:55 PM
  4. [MBTItm] INTx Relationship Problems
    By Engineer in forum The NT Rationale (ENTP, INTP, ENTJ, INTJ)
    Replies: 57
    Last Post: 02-17-2011, 01:47 PM
  5. [MBTItm] relationship problem...
    By Rebe in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 03-11-2010, 02:11 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO