[ISFJ] pursuing ISFJ.. some questions

[clamsters]

Currently in the pursuit of an ISFJ, I was wondering (specifically for the ladies) if you can help me out by providing insight on the following questions. It would be very helpful. This one's somewhat shy I think.

(1) Specifically, are ISFJs pretty active in showing signs of interest?

(2) What would these signs of interest be in conversation (e.g. phone, online, in person is there a difference)?

(3) Do they take a long time to decide on entering relationships?

 

[Eiddy]

Hi clamsters,

ISFj when interested may not show much interest, unless she feels that you are interested in her. If she feels that you are interested she may let it be known to you that she also has interest; her way of flirting may not seem like flirting and sometimes we have to club someone over the head for them to know we are interested in them.

Second, you will know she is interested when you are the only person she seems to really want to talk to. We don't make many friends, very few, to say the least. If you find you are in her inner circle this doesn't necessarily mean that she is interested, it could be that she just finds you interesting. Take your time, get to know her, let her get to know you and when you feel there are definite sparks flying then you will know for sure.

About entering relationships it will depend on her past experiences, like they say, "Once burned, twice shy." So I couldn't say how she will feel about it, I guess it all depends on the type of person you are.

I hope this helped somewhat.

 

[spirilis]

Going by my experiences over the past 2 months, especially when my g/f and I first met-

1. No, it's subtle. It's there though, but you gotta read the signs and then *take a chance* by making a move (I say take a chance because if you're anything like me, you might not read the signs very well; and I know when I do read subtle emotional/social cues, I don't put much trust in my interpretation of them because I know I'm inexperienced and challenged at doing so, so to act upon such a cue to me constitutes taking a CHANCE, knowing that I very well might be dead-wrong); do so in private, or at least make sure the message is private between the two of you. Privacy is paramount with my g/f and public embarrassment is very uncomfortable for her, unlike myself who is "fearless" as she put it... haha. Not sure if most ISFJs are like that though. That's probably based upon their upbringing.

2. Body language, especially eye contact... and watch his/her pattern of communication between you vs. between others around you. Some kind of *subtle* favoritism should show up here. Keyword subtle; the SFJs are grand masters of navigating social convention, and this may have them show obvious signs of equal interest among everyone in the conversation lest they give off even the slightest impression of offending someone, but unconscious motives should show through in some subtle manner. If they're NOT interested, it should be rather obvious based on eye contact/body language.

3. Mine didn't seem to, but the process of opening up has taken a slow, somewhat cautious "you first" kind of pace thus far.

 

[Lightning_Rider]

Well

Usually, if an ISFJ is interested, then yes, they will show you interest. They usually show interest only if they are truly interested, or if they judge there could be some interest that could develop.

If they are interested, then they will no doubt show that by making an effort to talk to you regularly. We appreciate honesty and straightforwardness. There's usually little nonsense with us...

As for how long they take... I guess it depends on past experiences like Eiddy said. I think they can vary in this regard. I also think that every experience may be different depending on how sure they are of you. If they are REALLY interested, then it probably won't take them long to decide, and once they're interested, they probably won't lose interest unless you do something to make them.

 

[Rachelinpa]

Peeps really helped me out with my ISFJ questions here:

Pouncing Male ISFJ

My ISFJ and I had a conversation this weekend about how it is difficult for me to know where he is coming from because he is not so forthcoming regarding his feelings towards me. And he said, "Well, after three dates, I want to say that I am as interested as I can be without freaking anyone out... does that make sense?" It seems he is cautious not only for my sake, but for his as well.

Also, when referencing another girl, I asked why he had not made a move, and his excuse was that he was not sure if she was into him, and it seems that he needs to be pretty sure. He said he "put out feelers" and she did not seem responsive. This obviously was not very reassuring to me cause he never once said, "If she asked me out now, I wouldn't be interested." He only said, "I don't think she's interested." He was however immediately reassuring when I exclaimed that he could date her if he wanted to since it seemed like maybe we'd be better as friends (since he was not being direct with me). Still, he only offered a, "at this point, I don't think I'd even be interested if she told me she was."

Works for me right now since I'm not really sure how I feel about him to begin with. But, I guess it is an example about how slow ISFJs may or may not be to express interest.

In my experience, I agree with Eiddy, in that "she is interested when you are the only person she seems to really want to talk to." And on the other hand, my ISFJ said to me that this is how he tells people are interested in him.

 

[Lightning_Rider]

Peeps really helped me out with my ISFJ questions here:

Pouncing Male ISFJ

My ISFJ and I had a conversation this weekend about how it is difficult for me to know where he is coming from because he is not so forthcoming regarding his feelings towards me. And he said, "Well, after three dates, I want to say that I am as interested as I can be without freaking anyone out... does that make sense?" It seems he is cautious not only for my sake, but for his as well.

Also, when referencing another girl, I asked why he had not made a move, and his excuse was that he was not sure if she was into him, and it seems that he needs to be pretty sure. He said he "put out feelers" and she did not seem responsive. This obviously was not very reassuring to me cause he never once said, "If she asked me out now, I wouldn't be interested." He only said, "I don't think she's interested." He was however immediately reassuring when I exclaimed that he could date her if he wanted to since it seemed like maybe we'd be better as friends (since he was not being direct with me). Still, he only offered a, "at this point, I don't think I'd even be interested if she told me she was."

Works for me right now since I'm not really sure how I feel about him to begin with. But, I guess it is an example about how slow ISFJs may or may not be to express interest.

In my experience, I agree with Eiddy, in that "she is interested when you are the only person she seems to really want to talk to." And on the other hand, my ISFJ said to me that this is how he tells people are interested in him.

If he said "Well, after three dates, I want to say that I am as interested as I can be without freaking anyone out... does that make sense?" then that means he is really into you. It's like you said, he's just cautious because he probably doesn't want to ruin anything with you now that he IS interested. He's scared of making a mistake.

 

[FDG]

Dunno...they take their clothes off?

 

[Snow Turtle]

It's really obvious when I'm interested in someone in terms of wanting to getting to know them better as a friend. This might be different for other ISFJs, especially with females but as a male ISFJ I usually resort to teasing to show my affection because hugs and all that seem abit too forward for me, even if I really like it when my friends do it to me.

However I do engage in the whole waiting to see whether they are actually interested in me, before slowly moving in closer. If I ever have a relationship in the near future, I'd imagine it's the reason that I move from friendship to relationship rather than stranger to relationship. Of course there's the downside where either party members might get too used to viewing each other as friends, and there's no longer a slow spark between two individuals.

 

[Lightning_Rider]

I'm kind of like that too I guess ^

I like befriending them first but if I feel interested in them then I will leave subtle clues that I am.

 

[Popsicle]

If he said "Well, after three dates, I want to say that I am as interested as I can be without freaking anyone out... does that make sense?" then that means he is really into you. It's like you said, he's just cautious because he probably doesn't want to ruin anything with you now that he IS interested. He's scared of making a mistake.

This.

They are SO worried about making mistakes. They want to do everything right. That's a very good thing, but sometimes they put a bit too much pressure on themselves to make sure they are doing everything just right (and I still can't get a really good definition of what "right" is).

And they do tend to make up their mind rather quickly. Possibly because they put a lot of thought into the relationship before they even started it.

 

[clamsters]

Now if I have been showing/stating pretty obvious signs of interest and she just laughs without saying anything to confirm or deny interest, I should take this as a bad sign? We've only known each other for a few months and I have been upfront with her. However, we've still been talking but she still has not accepted or declined. Maybe she needs time to think about it or..... did scare her off already by being too upfront too fast haha... them ISFJs... sigh.

 

[Lightning_Rider]

Hard to say but I don't think so. We appreciate directness... I know I like it when the intentions are clear from the start... or at least become evident without too much guessing etc.

Have you asked her out directly already?

 

[AceofSpades]

Hard to say but I don't think so. We appreciate directness... I know I like it when the intentions are clear from the start... or at least become evident without too much guessing etc.

Being from a similar type, I think I can relate to your frustrations in pursuing someone who is a ISFJ. I have been talking to and dating a ISFJ over a couple of months now and have had been through similar circumstances. Like lightning rider said ISFJs really like knowing intentions and like others being straight forward. There are times when I have to directly ask yes or no questions to know exactly what my ISFJ is thinking.

As an introverted intuitive you may easily pick up others intentions for no apparent reason while the introverted sensing ISFJ is more apt to pick up intentions by how someone treats them practically in action and in communication. With this in mind ask her plainly on how she feels about things not getting to detailed or being too pushy. Take your time with EVERYTHING and be patient and respectful. Be forward and ask her to a date, then another date and so forth and so on.

Also SJ's in my opinion are the most traditional of all the types and usually like and appreciate standard "courting" practices taking the time to really get to know someone instead of rushing into anything even closely resembling a fling.

 

[FDG]

Why don't you try to undress her? It usually works?

 

[Saslou]

^^^

Please try to behave yourself.

 

[clamsters]

Yes, I've asked directly. But I thought at the moment I scared her.. haha... which was opposite of my intention. And she just laughed. I followed up by telling her she can take her time to decide and it's been a few weeks.. But we've been on a few dates since then.. so I guess slow and steady is what I'm hearing as advice... which is fine. But I'm pretty sure I don't want to ask again, since I've been quite clear with my intentions. If it doesn't work out, it's fine too but I just didn't want to decrease chances by being too pushy/forward/direct/etc... which might be opposite of the traditional ISFJ courting process.

 

[Rachelinpa]

I just didn't want to decrease chances by being too pushy/forward/direct/etc... which might be opposite of the traditional ISFJ courting process.

Yeah, it seems to be that way. My ISFJ has always been really responsive though to my communication. My communication is pretty platonic in content though... just frequent. High frequency seems to be fine. Do you guys text? I love texting. Sigh.

 

[spirilis]

Yes, I've asked directly. But I thought at the moment I scared her.. haha... which was opposite of my intention. And she just laughed. I followed up by telling her she can take her time to decide and it's been a few weeks.. But we've been on a few dates since then.. so I guess slow and steady is what I'm hearing as advice... which is fine. But I'm pretty sure I don't want to ask again, since I've been quite clear with my intentions. If it doesn't work out, it's fine too but I just didn't want to decrease chances by being too pushy/forward/direct/etc... which might be opposite of the traditional ISFJ courting process.

I did something like this; I asked my g/f out, she accepted, we went on 2 dates, at some point the next day (at a get-together with mutual friends) I asked her in private if she'll be exclusive with me, and she only nervously half-answered the question, leaving it a bit open-ended. In retrospect, asking her that in words wasn't really the traditional way to do it--the next date I did it the right way, I made the forward move and kissed her (after nervously waiting for the right moment, which ended up being right before we said goodbye). She was extremely receptive and when she saw me going for it she faithfully reciprocated, but it took THAT forward move on my part to really ink the deal (so to speak). That's the traditional way to do things; the man needs to be strong and forward and TAKE what he wants, and when she saw that happen she fell right in line. It wasn't what I was personally used to, because I've always felt reserved about being forward with people for fear that I offend or incite conflict, but you just gotta man up in this situation. And you'll probably have to man up in a lot of situations for her, but you know what? If she's anything like my g/f, she'll make it well worth your effort in the end.