[ESTJ] Ask an ESTJ!

[Ursa]

To all ESTJs: Do you consider yourself to be judgmental, and if so, do you sometimes feel guilty about looking down on others?

I do consider myself to be judgemental. Most of my impatience with others stems from issues of competence and character. I don't have any qualms about calling someone out who is consistently late to meetings or who skips out on their duties, for example. Another example is a mean-spirit. I do not like that in others, and I have no problem with telling a bully to back off.

I also like to argue from a place of "judgement." I'll take a conclusion and argue it with someone as a means of reaching understanding about something. I think this can come off as judgemental and close-minded to Perceivers. But my Ne is open to changing my mind after a heated debate. I just don't frame the debate in terms of "what if" and "maybe" as much as a lot of Perceivers I know, and I don't like ending on an uncertain note. As a Judging type, I drive for closure - it's hard to get anything practical done when there is no decisiveness.

I rarely find myself judging people and things outside competence and character, though. I don't look at a Trekkie and think, "What a loser." It's their personal business and it doesn't hurt others, so I don't care. More power to them in fact. They could be a nice person anyways with a lot to bring to the table.

I do sometimes feel guilty. I was really hard on someone the other day who was saying rude things to others and being lazy. I later learned that she suffered from major depression. It put her behavior in context and made me wish I had framed my objections towards her behavior in a more compassionate way. I also sometimes object to something that, as it turns out, is a non-issue and I simply misunderstood. I wouldn't quite label that as guilt, though. I just choose to learn from my mistake and move on.

Inferior Fi also equals guilt when I'm in the grip. I'll think of something blunt I said to someone like seven years ago and be angry with myself for being insensitive.

 

[EJCC]

To all ESTJs: Do you consider yourself to be judgmental, and if so, do you sometimes feel guilty about looking down on others?

I'm definitely judgmental, but I attribute that much more to Enneagram than I do to MBTI. I don't feel guilty about it unless it leads to me doing something wrong, or hurting someone's feelings. Otherwise I don't have any strong feelings about it.

 

[fetus]

How do you deal with people who are very sensitive, or who have very strong feelings?

 

[EJCC]

How do you deal with people who are very sensitive, or who have very strong feelings?

I'm bad at walking on eggshells, so the only way I can have any sort of relationship with very sensitive people is by knowing exactly where their buttons are. If they don't tell me what they are, then I'll ask mutual friends for advice. Otherwise I'll have to learn either by pushing their buttons, or observing people pushing their buttons. (Not pushing them intentionally, to clarify. But just doing what I always do and waiting for the inevitable moment where my modus operandi causes offense.) Which isn't fun, but is better than having to second-guess everything I say.

 

[Olm the Water King]

How do you even?

 

[EJCC]

How do you even?

I can't.

 

[Olm the Water King]

Are you the most awesome ESTJ of them all?

 

[EJCC]

Are you the most awesome ESTJ of them all?

Yes. I am the non-[MENTION=8936]highlander[/MENTION] highlander.

 

[Lloyd]

Are ESTJ's Tsundere ? It can be you or some ESTJ. Well here is the definition just in case you don't know what it means.

Tsundere is a Japanese term for a character development process that describes a person who is initially cold and even hostile towards another person before gradually showing their warm side over time.

 

[EJCC]

Are ESTJ's Tsundere ? It can be you or some ESTJ. Well here is the definition just in case you don't know what it means.

Hah, that was the exact path to my first relationship. Hostility included. <3

Re: platonic relationships, it depends on whether I'm being pursued or whether I'm doing the pursuing. Usually I'm the one doing the pursuing. But your tsundere description fits if I'm being pursued and I'm not sure how I feel about the person pursuing me.

 

[Ursa]

How do you deal with people who are very sensitive, or who have very strong feelings?

I limit my contact with them. Not because I dislike them but because I know we cannot handle each other well.

Right now I am trying to develop my Feeling, and I find that focusing on integrating towards 2 helps. Usually that manifests as wanting to protect others. So I try to keep that protective spirit in mind when I deal with sensitive people - I don't want to handle them too roughly and hurt them. It's unnatural for me, but I try to understand their Feeling viewpoint and work with that. Even though I want to bark the logical solution at them lol. It's still a work in progress. Mostly I just try not to be around super sensitive people, unless I'm advocating for them in a fight or similar situation.

Sensitive people who act out their anger in displays of assholery? I usually ignore them or I tell them like it is.

 

[EJCC]

Sensitive people who act out their anger in displays of assholery? I usually ignore them or I tell them like it is.

^ Yes. One of my bigger pet peeves is when a certain type of sensitive person feels the need to constantly dish out what they can't take. My reaction to those people is the same as yours: either ignore them, or give them a proportional response.

 

[Lloyd]

What would be your reaction when someone describes you as cute ?

 

[prplchknz]

I limit my contact with them. Not because I dislike them but because I know we cannot handle each other well.

Right now I am trying to develop my Feeling, and I find that focusing on integrating towards 2 helps. Usually that manifests as wanting to protect others. So I try to keep that protective spirit in mind when I deal with sensitive people - I don't want to handle them too roughly and hurt them. It's unnatural for me, but I try to understand their Feeling viewpoint and work with that. Even though I want to bark the logical solution at them lol. It's still a work in progress. Mostly I just try not to be around super sensitive people, unless I'm advocating for them in a fight or similar situation.

Sensitive people who act out their anger in displays of assholery? I usually ignore them or I tell them like it is.

Does it help to know when someone does call me back in a timely manner i get mom worries and I'm not a mom? if you did that it might develop your feelery side.

 

[Arctic Hysteria]

Is it possible that an ESTJ has a hard time saying "I love you"? If yes, why?

How does an ESTJ (male) show "love" for their partner?

How to make ESTJs feel "loved" the most?

What kinds of compliments ESTJs like the most?

How to give an ESTJ feedback / point out what they do wrong / call out on their BS without pissing them off?

What would break down an ESTJ and what kinds of things could make them cry?

Can ESTJs feel insecure / Is there anything ESTJs hate about themselves? What could these things be?

What do ESTJs think of INFPs (non-flowerchild versions), non-romantically and romantically?

Thanks in advance

 

[SD45T-2]

What would be your reaction when someone describes you as cute ?

My mom has, but moms are supposed to say stuff like that, so was kind of a non-event.

Is it possible that an ESTJ has a hard time saying "I love you"? If yes, why?

Because feelings.

How does an ESTJ (male) show "love" for their partner?

Probably being attentive to practical things, wanting to spend time with you, stuff like that. We usually don't do big showy stuff.

How to make ESTJs feel "loved" the most?

Being trustworthy, supportive, and not feeling entitled to constantly second guess and undermine us.

What kinds of compliments ESTJs like the most?

That we're effective and have good taste in guns.

How to give an ESTJ feedback / point out what they do wrong / call out on their BS without pissing them off?

Being matter-of-fact and not making it personal are the first things that come to mind.

What would break down an ESTJ and what kinds of things could make them cry?

The overwhelming crappiness of life.

Can ESTJs feel insecure / Is there anything ESTJs hate about themselves? What could these things be?

Just about everything. Then again, that might be more of an e1 thing.

What do ESTJs think of INFPs (non-flowerchild versions), non-romantically and romantically?

I don't know that I have enough experience to say.

 

[Sil]

To all ESTJs: Do you consider yourself to be judgmental, and if so, do you sometimes feel guilty about looking down on others?

No, I do not. If I do feel judgemental, I try to understand where the feeling comes from, but that's about it. I'm not going to feel guilty over it.

 

[Sil]

How do you deal with people who are very sensitive, or who have very strong feelings?

Either don't spend time with them or ask them if they want what I have to say before I say it. Sensitive people generally take more responsibility for their emotions if they actively choose to hear what they may not like.

 

[Ursa]

Is it possible that an ESTJ has a hard time saying "I love you"? If yes, why?

I don't have a hard time with it. But talk is cheap. I much prefer to demonstrate love and affection with action. This includes quality time and acts of service.

How to make ESTJs feel "loved" the most?

- Be a decent person - towards me, towards others and towards yourself.
- Take the commitment to our relationship seriously.
- Spend time with me (especially activities - not just sitting around talking or watching TV).
- Respect my autonomy to make my own personal decisions.
- Be supportive.
- Respect the space we share. Clean up any messes you make and do your share of the chores. (I'll do my share too.) Don't slack on this!
- Don't make consistently poor choices that make your, my or our lives unnecessarily difficult.

What kinds of compliments ESTJs like the most?

Genuine ones. Especially about competence, helpfulness and strength.

How to give an ESTJ feedback / point out what they do wrong / call out on their BS without pissing them off?

Be polite, but direct. Don't beat around the bush. Tell me what I did right and tell me what I did wrong - and why, using facts. Suggest improvements. Don't get personal, shout or cry.

What would break down an ESTJ and what kinds of things could make them cry?

Extreme grief and extreme disappointment.

Can ESTJs feel insecure / Is there anything ESTJs hate about themselves? What could these things be?

I would feel insecure if I received consistent feedback over time - from someone I respect and trust - that I am not constructive, mature or skilled enough. I also feel insecure when I start to lose control of a situation or when my leadership starts to fail.

What do ESTJs think of INFPs (non-flowerchild versions), non-romantically and romantically?

It depends on the individual. I've met INFPs who were fantastic people - they taught me to be more in tune with my emotions and those of others, and they have inspired me with their dreams, their senses of humor and their life wisdom. I've also met INFPs who were clearly unstable.

I don't expect INFPs to be strong Te-users, but I expect them to have done some work developing Te. (I'm a lot more forgiving on this point when it comes to being friends with INFPs, because we don't live together and share resources like an intimate couple would.)

Here are some things that would turn me off and disqualify an INFP from a romantic relationship with me:
- Consistent disregard for deadlines, financial management, organization and chores. Irresponsibility.
- Insecurity.
- Being clingy.
- Lack of resilience to stress. Quick to cry, quick to anger or quick to quit when anything negative happens.
- Lack of direction in life.
- Disrespectfulness.
- Inability to self-reflect.

 

[Ursa]

What would be your reaction when someone describes you as cute?

I'd be a little embarrassed, but I'd accept the compliment politely and move on.