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Thread: Ask an ESTJ!

  1. #801
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    My Extroverted Cuz,

    I just wanted to post to put you at 800. Congrats!!

    I hope my ISTJ thread stays alive this long!

  2. #802
    [bento boxed] EJCC's Avatar
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    Aw Thanks! I'm sure that your thread will stay alive that long. I mean, think about it. You have at least five ISTJs posting answers on there at a time (I think?), and here it's pretty much just me and Max. Y'all will do fine.
    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"

    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
    1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
    lawful good (D&D) / ravenclaw + wampus (HP) / boros legion (M:TG)
    conscientious > sensitive > serious (oldham)
    want to ask me something? go for it!

  3. #803
    Writing... Tamske's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC View Post
    ...and here it's pretty much just me and Max.
    ... and a stray ENTP who can't stop herself from posting here

    Question: how do you organize a successfull surprise party for an ESTJ?
    Answer: make sure the ESTJ doesn't plan anything else for that day. Otherwise, even if your party is totally awesome, he'll feel frustrated because he can't do what he has planned. I've said to my ESTJ: "Don't plan anything for the third of July. I'll plan something for you."

    Of course, now I have to plan something
    Got questions? Ask an ENTP!
    I'm female. I just can't draw women

  4. #804
    Senior Member Max's Avatar
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    Haha, whether I had other plans or not, it would probably take me a while to adjust to the "This is good because it was brought about by people who really care about me" mentality from the "I wasn't ready for this!!!!" mentality. Haha, we really suck sometimes...

  5. #805
    [bento boxed] EJCC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Max View Post
    Haha, whether I had other plans or not, it would probably take me a while to adjust to the "This is good because it was brought about by people who really care about me" mentality from the "I wasn't ready for this!!!!" mentality. Haha, we really suck sometimes...
    So. Frickin. True.

    "A surprise party??? But I was planning to... not have plans!"


    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"

    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
    1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
    lawful good (D&D) / ravenclaw + wampus (HP) / boros legion (M:TG)
    conscientious > sensitive > serious (oldham)
    want to ask me something? go for it!

  6. #806
    Controlled Mischief StephMC's Avatar
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    So... how do ESTJs handle break-ups? Good ones? Bad ones? What's the "ideal" scenario? I broke up with my ESTJ ex about 9 months ago and it's been an awkward ordeal. I have a tendency to want to stay friends with my exes but it's finally started to sink in that not everyone wants the same. Which is fine... I have no probably respecting people's wishes. I just wish we had at least a little more closure instead of ... well... the following series of events:
    - me telling him it's not going to work out at this point in time because the long distance thing sucked and I didn't want to move
    - have awkward, shallow conversations every week or so which usually consisted of his latest and greatest (the promotion, the raises, the apartment he bought, the trips he's taken... ) while I just silently listened.
    - a "friend" of mine telling him about the guy I'm dating before I had a chance to tell him
    - me taking a trip to NYC (where he lives) with my sister and him thinking I was going to visit him This resulted in a blow up fight after he realized I wasn't going to visit him and rekindle our relationship and about the guy I was dating.

    Argh. Anyways, after that trip he said he couldn't be friends with me if I was dating other people. I said I could respect that but I would prefer him not continuing being buddy buddy with my friends and family.. especially after that whole him finding out about the guy I was dating disaster. So we haven't talked in 2 months. I feel like I left ends untied everywhere, which I'm sure is the same for him he's just too stubborn to tell me, but have no idea what to do about. Sigh. Any words of wisdom?
    I have an inner monologue that sounds strikingly similar to something off Animal Planet.

  7. #807
    [bento boxed] EJCC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by StephMC View Post
    So... how do ESTJs handle break-ups? Good ones? Bad ones? What's the "ideal" scenario? I broke up with my ESTJ ex about 9 months ago and it's been an awkward ordeal. I have a tendency to want to stay friends with my exes but it's finally started to sink in that not everyone wants the same. Which is fine... I have no probably respecting people's wishes. I just wish we had at least a little more closure instead of ... well... the following series of events:
    - me telling him it's not going to work out at this point in time because the long distance thing sucked and I didn't want to move
    - have awkward, shallow conversations every week or so which usually consisted of his latest and greatest (the promotion, the raises, the apartment he bought, the trips he's taken... ) while I just silently listened.
    - a "friend" of mine telling him about the guy I'm dating before I had a chance to tell him
    - me taking a trip to NYC (where he lives) with my sister and him thinking I was going to visit him This resulted in a blow up fight after he realized I wasn't going to visit him and rekindle our relationship and about the guy I was dating.

    Argh. Anyways, after that trip he said he couldn't be friends with me if I was dating other people. I said I could respect that but I would prefer him not continuing being buddy buddy with my friends and family.. especially after that whole him finding out about the guy I was dating disaster. So we haven't talked in 2 months. I feel like I left ends untied everywhere, which I'm sure is the same for him he's just too stubborn to tell me, but have no idea what to do about. Sigh. Any words of wisdom?
    First wise word: Jeez! But seriously, that's gotta be uncomfortable. I apologize on behalf of my type, especially since I'm usually the one causing the awkwardness in situations like that...

    I'll answer the first part of your question first, by listing some types of ESTJ breakups:

    1. ESTJ breaks up with partner, and partner takes it okay or poorly. ESTJ reaction: "This is awkward. I don't want to have to deal with my ex's emotions, so I'll avoid him/her and hope they go away." I've done this a few times
    2. Partner breaks up with ESTJ, and ESTJ takes it poorly, and wallows in emo self-pity. Later interactions with ex = awkward, because of all the pain the ESTJ experienced as a result. The awkwardness may not be visible, since the ESTJ may still be friendly in a platonic way, hoping to disguise the fact that they're still wounded. (This hasn't happened to me, but I got "dumped" horribly by my best friend of nine years, and my reaction was similar.) They may act this way for years and years towards the ex - at least, until the ex apologizes or there's some form of closure, which there probably won't be unless the ex initiates it.
    3. One breaks up with the other, and they're both perfectly fine with it, and can simply be friends afterwards, with no one feeling bad because it was mutual and amiable. This is the ideal breakup for an ESTJ.
    4. Partner breaks up with ESTJ, but ESTJ still has feelings for partner. Shares many qualities with #2. This, I believe, is what's going on with you and your ex, Steph.

    The fact that he couldn't remain friends with you because of your dating other people, and the fact that he was hoping that you would rekindle your relationship, all point to the idea that he either still wants to be with you, or is conflicted about it. In terms of tying up loose ends, I guess I'd recommend talking to him about it, and initiating definite, blunt closure. That'll help a lot, so even though it'll still be awkward, it won't be as much so once he gets over you and finds another girl.

    Hope that helped...
    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"

    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
    1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
    lawful good (D&D) / ravenclaw + wampus (HP) / boros legion (M:TG)
    conscientious > sensitive > serious (oldham)
    want to ask me something? go for it!

  8. #808
    Writing... Tamske's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Max View Post
    Haha, whether I had other plans or not, it would probably take me a while to adjust to the "This is good because it was brought about by people who really care about me" mentality from the "I wasn't ready for this!!!!" mentality. Haha, we really suck sometimes...
    He has got more than one and a half of a month to get ready for it. Isn't that enough?
    He knows I'm organizing *something* for him on *that day*.
    Got questions? Ask an ENTP!
    I'm female. I just can't draw women

  9. #809
    Senior Member sculpting's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC View Post
    So. Frickin. True.

    "A surprise party??? But I was planning to... not have plans!"


    Yes! I so understand this.

  10. #810
    Controlled Mischief StephMC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC View Post
    First wise word: Jeez! But seriously, that's gotta be uncomfortable. I apologize on behalf of my type, especially since I'm usually the one causing the awkwardness in situations like that...

    I'll answer the first part of your question first, by listing some types of ESTJ breakups:

    1. ESTJ breaks up with partner, and partner takes it okay or poorly. ESTJ reaction: "This is awkward. I don't want to have to deal with my ex's emotions, so I'll avoid him/her and hope they go away." I've done this a few times
    2. Partner breaks up with ESTJ, and ESTJ takes it poorly, and wallows in emo self-pity. Later interactions with ex = awkward, because of all the pain the ESTJ experienced as a result. The awkwardness may not be visible, since the ESTJ may still be friendly in a platonic way, hoping to disguise the fact that they're still wounded. (This hasn't happened to me, but I got "dumped" horribly by my best friend of nine years, and my reaction was similar.) They may act this way for years and years towards the ex - at least, until the ex apologizes or there's some form of closure, which there probably won't be unless the ex initiates it.
    3. One breaks up with the other, and they're both perfectly fine with it, and can simply be friends afterwards, with no one feeling bad because it was mutual and amiable. This is the ideal breakup for an ESTJ.
    4. Partner breaks up with ESTJ, but ESTJ still has feelings for partner. Shares many qualities with #2. This, I believe, is what's going on with you and your ex, Steph.

    The fact that he couldn't remain friends with you because of your dating other people, and the fact that he was hoping that you would rekindle your relationship, all point to the idea that he either still wants to be with you, or is conflicted about it. In terms of tying up loose ends, I guess I'd recommend talking to him about it, and initiating definite, blunt closure. That'll help a lot, so even though it'll still be awkward, it won't be as much so once he gets over you and finds another girl.

    Hope that helped...
    Ah, yes, that definitely helped! Thanks! I swear, after we started going our different ways he became a -very- different person than I was used to, so it's really nice to hear reason from a rational ESTJ again Is that a common response if an ESTJ feels "rejected" (I say this because every time he got worked up he said he wasn't used to feeling "rejected")? It was like a split personality... he became argumentative, belligerent, somewhat boastful and arrogant... almost everything he wasn't before (or I'm starting to wonder if it's "everything he didn't want me to see before" ). Anyways, you're right, I need to initiate some real closure. I've tried before but it never ended well. I think I was pushing for it too soon, though. Maybe after enough time without contact allowed for both of us to get some perspective so we can talk like rational people again. In fact, that's what I liked most about our relationship... we didn't "fight." We would converse.. without anyone getting worked up. Not the case anymore, but hopefully it will be again.
    I have an inner monologue that sounds strikingly similar to something off Animal Planet.

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