Before I begin, I should say that fidelia is absolutely right in what she said. Excellent points as usual.
I, too, would "prefer" not to do that, but I just remember everything without meaning to! Example: obnoxious songs on hit radio. I'll find, within a few weeks of my first listen of the song, that I'll have it completely memorized, and I'll sing along to the whole frickin' thing and then go "Oh god, what am I doing? I HATE this song!!" That was a petty example, to be sure, but it proves a point: that I never choose to remember things. I just do.I prefer to not keep tabs on people and what they have or haven't done, so often I actually forget a lot of the ugly things people have done to me until someone brings it up.
Well, we don't naturally empathize/sympathize with people. The only reason why I respond "correctly" to people's ramblings about their lives is that I've trained myself to do what (American) women do, i.e. gasp in the right places, nod constantly, etc. My instinctive reaction (which would be completely stoic and unemotional and getting straight to the problem-solving part) simply isn't acceptable in society (especially with women, and ESPECIALLY especially with NF women, who really don't want you to solve their problems when they rant at you). But I digress. Since your mom DOES obviously have some issues, she's a very different case from me (I'm pretty healthy, imho), but when people explain how they feel to me, I understand. And I think most ESTJs would, too. (We may be weak at feeling, but we aren't stupid.) But it doesn't mean that we'd sympathize, you know? We might, I dunno, not register the severity of what you're feeling, and we might (incorrectly) think of it as separate from the task at hand.Do ESTJs find it difficult to validate or relate to how other's feel, even when they've explained it?
Well, if you tried it and it didn't work, I guess it isn't acceptable... honestly, I think your tone must have done it. If your blood was boiling and you were showing it, nothing you say will have made a difference, because only the tone will have registered... and she will have seen it as disrespectful.Essentially, this is exactly what I did as my blood boiled and my hair stood on end. She then hung up on me, which was kinda a relief because I was about to either implode or explode. I'm glad another ESTJ finds this to be an acceptable approach though.
OH no. No it doesn't. Countering is a VERY VERY bad idea. We register that as an attack. When you "counter", you make it personal, and therefore you bring emotion into it. When I say "rationalize", I mean "be uber-logical and calm and rational"... in other words, try and be an INTx for a bit.In the past, I've tried to "rationalize" with her by countering her, which never works.
I don't really think all ESTJs are like this, but a lot of ESTJ fathers probably are; that is, wanting to essentially be your boss, and not your parent. Maybe this isn't as much the case with you and your mom - again, I'm no expert on your family situation. But anyways, I dunno if, based on what you've told me, she just "pulls out the authority card whenever it's convenient for her". I'm seeing a very strong theme, actually. It's whenever you don't just do what she says without question. If you show attitude, or you question what she's telling you in any way, that's disrespecting her, in her mind. This might sound cheesy, but think of it like The Godfather (which, btw, is a VERY ESTJ movie). You may be friendly with the don, but would you show attitude? No, 'cause you'd get murdered!And on disrespectful. I noticed that a lot of STJs use the word "respect" a lot. What does respect mean? I mean, I have my own thoughts, but it's nothing near what my mother has told me hers are. Ultimately, I think we want the same thing from each other. When we're out and about, we are great friends, but what keeps me from being able to fully trust her friendship is that she pulls the authority card whenever it's convenient to her.
That's a bizarre note to end on... but I can't think of much else to say. Just that I hope it helps a little.