We are direct, the best way to communicate with us is directly, and we appreciate directness. Also, if we get mad, LEAVE US ALONE. For a while, anyways. I can be pretty touchy-feely, but if I'm really angry about something, I just HATE being touched - even if it's, e.g, a sympathetic pat.
Wish I had known that years ago instead of learning by trial and error. I'm pretty much exactly the opposite.
Things that make me feel bad about myself in some way, e.g. things that make me insecure, doubtful of my ability, remorseful, embarrassed. I find that I'm more affected by embarrassment than anyone I know - I can't just remember humiliating memories (often)! I have to relive them, no matter how unimportant they were! It's frustrating.
How does someone help you deal with this? I found that those feelings unfortunately impacted us, even though the feelings were not so much as a result of someone, but rather his own perfectionism or thoughts. Also, it's nearly impossible to fix anything in a relationship if you can't talk about it. It seemed that either I would need to stuff it down (and then feel resentful and alone) or else I'd talk about it (and he'd feel bad, then get defensive, hostile, or prickly because he did feel guilty) and I'd feel rotten too. Either way, I lost. Yes, I learned to be more straightforward, do it before there's emotion spilling out as well, give him some space - any other ideas? There seems to be a huge worry about being reproached for something in most ESTJs I've met. One, when discussing a mistake he made earlier in life said, "I REFUSE to let anyone make me feel bad about that" (hardly anyone even knew and certainly wasn't going to bother him about it).
Why is that expectation of the world being out to get you there?