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Thread: Ask an ESTJ!

  1. #2211
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    dear ESTJ
    I need advice, if i don't like i will discard it, that is all
    ok so what do you do if you have a room mate who has quit going to class, and you know you can get her kicked out for it, and that's fine whatever i don't give a shit about that. the issue is she's here all the time talking loudly on the phone, to the point that i can't really study or sleep. do you tell on her? or do you let it go?

    I prefer not to tell because I'm a bit worried she's planted drugs in my room and I've searched but they could be really hidden but i need away to deal
    *yodelling* AAAaaaaAAaaiiiiiiayyyyyyyy


    by @agentwashington

  2. #2212
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC View Post
    Question for other ESTJs and for people who know ESTJs: Would you describe ESTJs as being moody and volatile?

    We have a reputation as being very emotionally stable and reliable, but my image/impression of myself is that the opposite is frequently true. And because strong and negative emotions can seem so foreign to us, we react to them as if it's the end of the world, even when it really isn't. It feels dramatic, and probably looks dramatic, especially to Feelers, who are used to dealing with those sorts of emotions on a more regular basis.
    Yes to both. Both are exacerbated by stress.
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  3. #2213
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I would agree as well. However, I would also agree with Hard that it doesn't come out in quite as recognizable a way as it does with some types, so it sometimes doesn't occur to the onlooker that it is stress induced. It's nice to have EJCC be able to express what that feels like from an insider's point of view. Any ideas for how to ease the stress part for them? I mean, usually talking about things helps, but for them, that seems to open up a whole other can of worms. They also can be kind of difficult to do something nice for under those circumstances, as the more upset they are, the more they tend to isolate themselves. Or do those around the ESTJ that are witnessing that side of them just need to become thicker skinned and not take it as being meant personally, but rather as a more generalized frustration and treat them like they will be fine (kind of a fake it till you make it thing?) and maybe make them something tasty etc? I can imagine that having to deal with the emotions of other people on top of whatever it is bothering them doesn't help. What happens when the person becomes stuck in that stress-induced state? Is there a way to help them out of that loop?

  4. #2214
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    This might sound a bit ... babyish, but I do what I call soothing. I basically mirror him - when he's grumpy, I make a grumpy face, he seems sad, everything about me is a mirror to that and I can then find out what's bothering him. I'll even say, "awww my poor baby, what's wrong, why are you sad?" What comes next is often, "I don't know" and then the investigation works out from there to track the emotional space and the things fueling the emotions. Doing this is something that comes pretty naturally to me and it seems to work well with Te dominants in my inner circle. I have a long and proven track record of being a safe person to open up to, so it happens often. Of course, my husband being the closest relationship, he is so open about how he feels it can be a bit overwhelming at times since he has no concept of the level of emotional absorption I experience. But ultimately, this is part of how I'm wired and I consider it a strength, so it makes no sense to withhold. I can process a lot for the both of us.

    This mirroring is 100% genuine concern to help the emotional space seem "safe". Fe dominants need similar assistance, different purview.
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
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  5. #2215
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    1. Is it a requirement that you communicate with your SO daily, in some way (phone, email, in person)?
    2. How do you console a sad/stressed ESTJ?

  6. #2216
    lords of summer EJCC's Avatar
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    Apologies in advance for this barrage of follow-up questions.

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I would agree as well. However, I would also agree with Hard that it doesn't come out in quite as recognizable a way as it does with some types, so it sometimes doesn't occur to the onlooker that it is stress induced.
    What's a more recognizable way? How does it register to people, if not as stress-related?

    @Hard ?

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    It's nice to have EJCC be able to express what that feels like from an insider's point of view. Any ideas for how to ease the stress part for them?
    I agree with @PeaceBaby for the most part, though her method may be too spouse-specific. It'd take a LOT of trust for me to go through my Fi brainstorming process with someone like that, in the open. (It's different on the forum, because I can take time to collect myself between posts.) But yes, what works well for me is that same style of interaction: expressing empathy, but with a goal in mind -- giving me suggestions for what I can do now (not next time), helping me reframe my perspective so I can have a better attitude, or if things are really shitty and nothing can be fixed, then just being there. Like PB said, the important thing is to create a safe space. Even if the ESTJ can't express themselves in that space right away, they'll be grateful that the space was established, and will most likely take advantage of that space later.

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I mean, usually talking about things helps, but for them, that seems to open up a whole other can of worms.
    What do you mean? That it's so hard for them to talk it out?

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    They also can be kind of difficult to do something nice for under those circumstances, as the more upset they are, the more they tend to isolate themselves.
    This is actually something I've wondered for a while. If ESTJs are easy to read, and everyone can tell that they're self-isolating due to stress, then why not try to end the isolation and confront us directly about it? Asking us if we're okay?

    It's validating that you bring it up, because that means it's not just me. I love it when friends surprise each other with fun things when they're down -- but besides my parents, no one's ever done that for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Or do those around the ESTJ that are witnessing that side of them just need to become thicker skinned and not take it as being meant personally, but rather as a more generalized frustration and treat them like they will be fine (kind of a fake it till you make it thing?) and maybe make them something tasty etc?
    "Become thicker skinned" -- does that mean we scare people when we're stressed, by exuding so many directionless feelings? Either way, when we're stressed, it's definitely not personal, but I don't know if I'd recommend treating it as if nothing is going on. Some little gesture of recognition is always nice. Cooking them something would be one example, yes, as would doing the dishes for them, or something like that.

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I can imagine that having to deal with the emotions of other people on top of whatever it is bothering them doesn't help. What happens when the person becomes stuck in that stress-induced state? Is there a way to help them out of that loop?
    if we're stressed about people's feelings, most likely it's because we don't understand them or know how to deal with them. So the best way to help would probably be to help us understand the situation in more ESTJ-friendly terms -- helping us see it as less overwhelming and easier to deal with. If we're just in a mess of emotions and are not sure what's what, then the best thing would probably be to either do what PB suggested, or just be receptive and helpful however you can, while we try to work it out internally.
    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"

    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
    1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
    lawful good (D&D) / ravenclaw + wampus (HP) / boros legion (M:TG)
    conscientious > sensitive > serious (oldham)
    want to ask me something? go for it!

  7. #2217
    lords of summer EJCC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kirkland View Post
    1. Is it a requirement that you communicate with your SO daily, in some way (phone, email, in person)?
    2. How do you console a sad/stressed ESTJ?
    1) Not really.
    2) See my previous post, and PeaceBaby's.
    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"

    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
    1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
    lawful good (D&D) / ravenclaw + wampus (HP) / boros legion (M:TG)
    conscientious > sensitive > serious (oldham)
    want to ask me something? go for it!

  8. #2218
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    it's fixed nevermind.
    *yodelling* AAAaaaaAAaaiiiiiiayyyyyyyy


    by @agentwashington
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  9. #2219

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    How do you tell an ESTJ to pull themselves together, and to stop stressing using their Ne?

  10. #2220
    lords of summer EJCC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Captain_Invincible View Post
    How do you tell an ESTJ to pull themselves together, and to stop stressing using their Ne?
    Appealing to their Si is probably the best bet, as ESTJs only fall into the NeFi trap when they cease to be "grounded" by TeSi as per usual. For example: "You ALWAYS do well at this, so this time shouldn't be any different." And if the worst case scenario isn't even that bad, maybe follow up the Si appeal with "Even if the worst thing happens, you could still do ___ which would be relatively painless and everything would turn out fine."
    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"

    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
    1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
    lawful good (D&D) / ravenclaw + wampus (HP) / boros legion (M:TG)
    conscientious > sensitive > serious (oldham)
    want to ask me something? go for it!
    Likes Captain_Invincible liked this post

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