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Thread: Ask an ESTJ!

  1. #2101
    Junior Member Daria's Avatar
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    Hi, I'm new and an INTP, so apologies in advance if I don't express all this very well.

    I was in a romantic/sexual situation with an ESTJ who is someone I work (she oversees my work sometimes)/ sometimes I see socially (same broad group of friends). Without getting into details stuff happened that I think the ESTJ feels embarrassed about. How would you react to embarrassing personal situations? Would you lie? Avoid? Become angry? How would you want the person you embarrassed yourself in front of to act? Like it never happened? Should I try and reassure them? I have always thought of this person as super confident, but this incident makes me think she isn't as confident as I thought. I realise these are personal questions and I'm being a bit vague, but please any advice would be very welcome.

  2. #2102
    Senior Member riva's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fuzzy Conduit View Post
    Just watch Orange is the New Black (the Kate Mulgrew character for reference).
    Quote Originally Posted by Fuzzy Conduit View Post
    I think her character on Star Trek Voyager might also be ESTJ, or possibly ENTJ. I suppose she plays that type well.
    The character she plays in star trek is a very good example for a estj.

    Kligons (especially klingon culture) is a really good example for estjs too, with the exception of boring worf.
    .

  3. #2103
    Junior Member Scorpinfp's Avatar
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    Hi all! I met my wonderful ESTJ boyfriend last October and have been reading through all of the posts in this awesome thread since then! I have finally decided to join in Let me say it has been quite informative in helping me understand him.

    Last weekend we did our Love Languages together. He scored 10 on Quality Time (the highest you can score for anything is 12) and I got Words of Affirmation, which is his absolute lowest (He scored a 2.) We spend all of our free time together and he has asked me to move in together so I guess that is an obvious indicator of his love for me. He was a willing participant in taking the quizzes together and reading through the ideas and suggestions for each type. However, he said he thinks that there should be a good balance of all the love languages and it should happen naturally, and not feel forced. At times, I need verbal reassurance for my insecurities. He thinks if he has to tell me something, it is personal toward him because he must not be showing it through his actions, which he is. There are certain situations where a few words would provide much needed comfort and support to me. His solution is just to avoid situations that he thinks would trigger my insecurities. I don't like that idea because it would mean missing out on a shared activity that we usually enjoy together. From my perspective, I have presented him with a problem and a solution. I will even ask him directly and tell him specifically what would make me feel better. Yet since he doesn't think it will help, he is unwilling to try it. Any advice on how I can better explain the love languages practical application to him?

    (Sidenote: My insecurity is something I am working on on my own as well. I don't expect him to take responsibility for my feelings. This is just something that would help me feel more loved and secure as we continue to build trust in a new relationship. )

    Thank you all for all of your posts in this thread! It has been very helpful to me thus far. I am very glad this exists and I'm looking forward to your feedback.

  4. #2104
    Aping the classics Anaximander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by riva View Post
    The character she plays in star trek is a very good example for a estj.

    Kligons (especially klingon culture) is a really good example for estjs too, with the exception of boring worf.
    Worf is an INTP or ISTP, me thinks.

  5. #2105
    Senior Member riva's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fuzzy Conduit View Post
    Worf is an INTP or ISTP, me thinks.
    Worf has no Fe at all and lives not only by a kligon code of standards but by his own set of Fi ethics.

    Itps though not bubbly can get plenty bubbly due to their Fe when excited about things. Worf was on tng and on ds9 but was never ever excited even to begin with.

    Compare him to miles o brien from ds9 who is an istp. Though not the most jovial guy he had plenty of expressive Fe moments.



    Also work had a huge broom up his ass which screamed Te. Oddly enough Te doms - probably due to being extroverts - when socializing loses that broom up their ass.

    Even data had more fe than worf.
    .

  6. #2106
    inside the lines EJCC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Daria View Post
    Hi, I'm new and an INTP, so apologies in advance if I don't express all this very well.
    No problem. Your username and avatar are excellent btw. Love that show.

    Quote Originally Posted by Daria View Post
    I was in a romantic/sexual situation with an ESTJ who is someone I work (she oversees my work sometimes)/ sometimes I see socially (same broad group of friends). Without getting into details stuff happened that I think the ESTJ feels embarrassed about. How would you react to embarrassing personal situations? Would you lie? Avoid? Become angry?
    Tough one -- not something I think about or talk about much. I think I would pretend like it had never happened, and try to change the subject if anyone brought it up. (I wouldn't lie, because I'm not good at lying at the drop of a hat.) I rarely feel embarrassment in moderation, so it usually overwhelms me whenever it's present. But since talking about it makes it worse, I push it down until it disappears.
    Quote Originally Posted by Daria View Post
    How would you want the person you embarrassed yourself in front of to act? Like it never happened? Should I try and reassure them?
    Only if it's honest and strong reassurance -- e.g. if very few people, if any, thought it was worth being embarrassed about.
    Quote Originally Posted by Daria View Post
    I have always thought of this person as super confident, but this incident makes me think she isn't as confident as I thought.
    I still see myself as confident even though I am relatively easily embarrassed. But then again I don't know the details of the situation.

    Quote Originally Posted by Scorpinfp View Post
    Hi all! I met my wonderful ESTJ boyfriend last October and have been reading through all of the posts in this awesome thread since then! I have finally decided to join in Let me say it has been quite informative in helping me understand him.
    Oh damn, you read the whole thing? Good for you! I'm so glad it's been helpful to you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Scorpinfp View Post
    Last weekend we did our Love Languages together. He scored 10 on Quality Time (the highest you can score for anything is 12) and I got Words of Affirmation, which is his absolute lowest (He scored a 2.) We spend all of our free time together and he has asked me to move in together so I guess that is an obvious indicator of his love for me. He was a willing participant in taking the quizzes together and reading through the ideas and suggestions for each type. However, he said he thinks that there should be a good balance of all the love languages and it should happen naturally, and not feel forced. At times, I need verbal reassurance for my insecurities. He thinks if he has to tell me something, it is personal toward him because he must not be showing it through his actions, which he is. There are certain situations where a few words would provide much needed comfort and support to me. His solution is just to avoid situations that he thinks would trigger my insecurities. I don't like that idea because it would mean missing out on a shared activity that we usually enjoy together. From my perspective, I have presented him with a problem and a solution. I will even ask him directly and tell him specifically what would make me feel better. Yet since he doesn't think it will help, he is unwilling to try it. Any advice on how I can better explain the love languages practical application to him?
    It doesn't seem like he understands what that test is actually for -- or at least it seems like he got completely the wrong lesson out of it. "Good balance of all the love languages"? I know you said you've been direct with him, but you may need to be even MORE direct. Something like this (only a little nicer, probably):

    "I express affection in X way, you express affection in Y way, and we both expect affection to be given in those same ways. We don't register other styles of affection as BEING affection, sometimes. We have particular needs that can't be met unless we learn each other's languages and accommodate one another. I've started trying to accommodate you, having registered your particular love language need. And it would enrich our relationship, and do wonders for me personally, if you would adapt similarly."

    And if he asks questions, and/or is skeptical, don't see that as him challenging you or trying to debate you -- see that as external processing. Working it all out by seeing if you can fill in the gaps in his understanding. So if he goes "I don't know if that makes sense, and I'd still rather do things my way", feel free to ask him why, so you can find those gaps on your own, and fill them in. (I don't know if this will be hard for an INFP to do. You may not end up needing to do it, but just know that ESTJs tend to make declarative statements that SOUND final, but are actually an invitation for refutation.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Scorpinfp View Post
    Thank you all for all of your posts in this thread! It has been very helpful to me thus far. I am very glad this exists and I'm looking forward to your feedback.
    No problem. Managing this thread has been quite the journey -- I feel like I've learned as much as the people who've asked me questions.

    Welcome to the forum, by the way!

    Quote Originally Posted by Fuzzy Conduit View Post
    Worf is an INTP or ISTP, me thinks.
    I always thought he was an ISTJ, 1 or 8.

    Quote Originally Posted by riva View Post
    Even data had more fe than worf.
    True.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nørrsken impersonating EJCC
    It's strange. I keep banning morons, but they keep signing up? What is this?
    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
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    lawful good (D&D) / ravenclaw + wampus (HP) / boros legion (M:TG)
    conscientious > sensitive > serious (oldham)
    want to ask me something? go for it!
    Likes Scorpinfp liked this post

  7. #2107
    across the universe Olm the Water King's Avatar
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    Is it possible that an ESTJ female might find someone 'too nice'? Could this be an issue in romantic relationships?

  8. #2108
    inside the lines EJCC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sultan of Beans View Post
    Is it possible that an ESTJ female might find someone 'too nice'? Could this be an issue in romantic relationships?
    I suppose. It's possible for an ESTJ to think someone is "too" anything -- they go in with particular expectations and get thrown off when those expectations aren't met. That's the case with pretty much everyone, to an extent, but ESTJs even more so, considering their reputation for poor behavior when things don't go their way.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nørrsken impersonating EJCC
    It's strange. I keep banning morons, but they keep signing up? What is this?
    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
    1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
    lawful good (D&D) / ravenclaw + wampus (HP) / boros legion (M:TG)
    conscientious > sensitive > serious (oldham)
    want to ask me something? go for it!

  9. #2109
    across the universe Olm the Water King's Avatar
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    That reminds me of an ENTJ I used to know. Are ESTJs and ENTJs similar in this regard?

    Sometimes I let my INFP sentiments get to me in a an externalized way. But most of the time, I'd be passive-aggressive or something. I know that can be every bit as problematic though. It's something I've been working on.

  10. #2110
    Biertrinker entropie's Avatar
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    Do estjs masturbate ?

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