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  1. #1
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    Default Unhealthy ISTJ (question)

    I have a good friend who is an ISTJ. Last month he was very stressed and in chaos mode and acted very irrational towards me. He had stress at work and it seemed I really saw his raw shadow side coming out after work. He even told me a few nasty lies and basically told me off. He clearly was not himself. I somehow understand him and forgive him. We haven't spoken for a long time. I just let him be so he can put his life back in order. I have asked him in an email if he wishes our friendship to stop or if he likes to go on as I do not know if he appreciates my input. I never received a reply. Lately he is trying to contact me as I missed a few calls but he seems elusive when I call him since he does not pick up the phone and it goes to voicemail. I do not want to communicate through voicemail. After a few days this happens again and when I pick up the phone he hangs up. Is it that hard for an ISTJ to say sorry? Has anybody got a clue what is going on? I believe he is not a player and he is a gentle person except when stressed. I am a bit lost on this one.
    Mary
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  2. #2
    Supreme Allied Commander Take Five's Avatar
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    tell him it's his duty to talk.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Eagle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by esfpmary View Post
    I have a good friend who is an ISTJ. Last month he was very stressed and in chaos mode and acted very irrational towards me. He had stress at work and it seemed I really saw his raw shadow side coming out after work. He even told me a few nasty lies and basically told me off. He clearly was not himself. I somehow understand him and forgive him. We haven't spoken for a long time. I just let him be so he can put his life back in order. I have asked him in an email if he wishes our friendship to stop or if he likes to go on as I do not know if he appreciates my input. I never received a reply. Lately he is trying to contact me as I missed a few calls but he seems elusive when I call him since he does not pick up the phone and it goes to voicemail. I do not want to communicate through voicemail. After a few days this happens again and when I pick up the phone he hangs up. Is it that hard for an ISTJ to say sorry? Has anybody got a clue what is going on? I believe he is not a player and he is a gentle person except when stressed. I am a bit lost on this one.
    Mary
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    I personally don't have a trouble apologizing when I care. Hmmm, I would have to give this some thought.. Do you have any more facts of the situation?
    - Caleb

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    Thanks. One of the facts is that the lies were pretty severe. They were even slightly threatening to me when he was out of control. I let him know that I found his approach to me very difficult to deal with at the same time reassuring him. He had some job changes going on and didn't want to share with me about it which was was okay for me. He has a need to deal with such things on his own and recreate structure and order. He is a person with high morals and is often preoccupied with what is right and wrong. Therfore it surprises me why he cannot come forward with some kind of apology. Maybe he does not need my friendship anymore and is afraid to tell? On the other hand I know he likes me.

  5. #5
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    He was probably just very stressed out and didn't want to deal with anything when he said all of that to you. You were just the easiest target for his frustrations at that very moment. He is probably very sorry.

    I HIGHLY doubt an ISTJ would end a friendship because they "didn't need" it. They seem too loyal to their friends to be that way.

    He will probably tell you the details of this later on while apologizing. Don't jump to conclusions and suspect that he doesn't like you anymore, that's a big no no. Just wait it out, he will come out when he's ready to talk to you again.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  6. #6
    Senior Member NewEra's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by esfpmary View Post
    I have a good friend who is an ISTJ. Last month he was very stressed and in chaos mode and acted very irrational towards me. He had stress at work and it seemed I really saw his raw shadow side coming out after work. He even told me a few nasty lies and basically told me off. He clearly was not himself. I somehow understand him and forgive him. We haven't spoken for a long time. I just let him be so he can put his life back in order. I have asked him in an email if he wishes our friendship to stop or if he likes to go on as I do not know if he appreciates my input. I never received a reply. Lately he is trying to contact me as I missed a few calls but he seems elusive when I call him since he does not pick up the phone and it goes to voicemail. I do not want to communicate through voicemail. After a few days this happens again and when I pick up the phone he hangs up. Is it that hard for an ISTJ to say sorry? Has anybody got a clue what is going on? I believe he is not a player and he is a gentle person except when stressed. I am a bit lost on this one.
    Mary
    isfp
    Many times, I have difficulty apologizing for some reason. Maybe he's still stressed, I would just give him some time, or maybe tell him that you can't understand what's going wrong if he doesn't talk to you. You'll have to be more direct. Does he have email? Send him an email telling you what's wrong.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Eagle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by esfpmary View Post
    Thanks. One of the facts is that the lies were pretty severe. They were even slightly threatening to me when he was out of control. I let him know that I found his approach to me very difficult to deal with at the same time reassuring him. He had some job changes going on and didn't want to share with me about it which was was okay for me. He has a need to deal with such things on his own and recreate structure and order. He is a person with high morals and is often preoccupied with what is right and wrong. Therfore it surprises me why he cannot come forward with some kind of apology. Maybe he does not need my friendship anymore and is afraid to tell? On the other hand I know he likes me.
    Don't worry about the friendship.. not yet. We like to deal with things ourselves. ISTJs have trouble opening up. When frustrated we do indeed become irritable. Based on the fact of the lies the friendship is either unsalvagable or he was extremely irritated. I get the feeling that it's a bit of both in his mind but more the second (1%:99%).
    - Caleb

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    "Nemo me impune lacessit - No one provokes me with impunity."

  8. #8
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    Thanks very much. I feel much better, sigh**. Yes, i did send him an email asking whether he likes to continue our friendship or not and if we were to go on that I thought it would be best to make some adjustments and perhaps communicate/discuss these. I also have a slight feeling that he wants me to initiate contact again by keeping on phoning him and showing that I still care. He likes to be pursued somehow. But since this last situation was kind of erratic I feel it is his duty to come to me first as I do have self respect. I can't make it too easy everytime, can I?

  9. #9
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    Eagle and others, thank you very much. It helps.
    Eagle, I believe he wasn't feeling irritable towards me but it was more like he got overwhelmed with stress and started to act irrational hence some irrational made up lies came out in the picture. I somehow felt he needed me but at the same time could not justify that for himself and wanted me out as to deal with things all by himself. Then a while later he told me off with a lie made up.

  10. #10
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    -Is this a romantic relationship or just a friendship? If it's just a "friendship" he may have developed feelings for you and knows you don't feel the same way, making it diffcult for him to talk to you for fear of you finding out.

    -He could be so upset with himself for how he acted toward you that he is afraid to talk to you and feels that he shouldn't talk to you in order for him not to do it again.

    As blackcat said, I doubt he wanted to ditch the friendship, it's just that, in his mind, he was forced to (or is being forced to).

    What can you do? Well, firstly, I wouldn't be trying to contact him. Why? Because if he sees you are not trying to contact him he we realize two things: 1) You are giving him time to deal with what he has to deal with, and 2) He will become curious as to why you stopped trying to contact you and *eventually* try to contact you again. Be aware, we are very patient and #2 could take a VERY long time. This also depends on how strong your "friendship" bond was/is.

    As for telling you off, how did you feel about that? Did it hurt your feelings or did you just kind of ignore it and resist it? If you felt bad, tell him that in one of your e-mails if you havn't. Be straightforward with your feelings/thoughts. Don't expect him to write back immediately though.
    Freedom Isn't Free. [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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