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  1. #11
    Senior Member Eagle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by esfpmary View Post
    Eagle and others, thank you very much. It helps.
    Eagle, I believe he wasn't feeling irritable towards me but it was more like he got overwhelmed with stress and started to act irrational hence some irrational made up lies came out in the picture. I somehow felt he needed me but at the same time could not justify that for himself and wanted me out as to deal with things all by himself. Then a while later he told me off with a lie made up.
    I don't think it was irritability towards you. Just irritation of you and irritability at everything.
    - Caleb

    "I am what I need to be..."

    "Nemo me impune lacessit - No one provokes me with impunity."

  2. #12
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    Thanks for all your advice. The insights on the ISTJ perspective have been very helpful. I did write him a while ago asking what was going on and that things had been so quiet. And if there was something wrong like you said worth mentioning. I also clearly explained that by no means I did want to put any pressure on him. I also asked him in case he would like to discontinue our friendship to let me know as I would understand this then and be at peace with it.
    After having been quiet a long time I received his reply. It said: indeed, would like to cut off contact. I hope things go well for you. greetings

    I am very sad. No explanation, nothing. Just boom.
    Can anybody offer me some insights? Is this an istj way of just cutting off a friendship?
    Is it best to just let go and not write again? I suppose I have no choice.

  3. #13
    Perfect Gentleman! =D d@v3's Avatar
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    I think it comes down to this: either you did something terrible and unforgivable (in his eyes), or he is a moron.
    Freedom Isn't Free. [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  4. #14
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    I was thinking about that if I had done something terrible lol. I hope not lol.The only thing I could come up with is that I have always been straight forward to him though in a gentle way as he easily could see it as a personal attack. I tried to be non confrontational yet at the same time wanted to bring my way of feeling and perceiving things across. Perhaps things were too confrontational but then I cannot weigh every word. But in the end I think he liked our differences and me being more outgoing and enthousiastic. But no, I don't think I did something terrible.

  5. #15
    Perfect Gentleman! =D d@v3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by esfpmary View Post
    I was thinking about that if I had done something terrible lol. I hope not lol.The only thing I could come up with is that I have always been straight forward to him though in a gentle way as he easily could see it as a personal attack. I tried to be non confrontational yet at the same time wanted to bring my way of feeling and perceiving things across. Perhaps things were too confrontational but then I cannot weigh every word. But in the end I think he liked our differences and me being more outgoing and enthousiastic. But no, I don't think I did something terrible.
    Sounds like he's a moron then! Well, given the information you have given us about him, it seems like he needs to try to be more understanding. But, you said he was under a lot of stress and things like that so maybe he just doesn't want to be distracted.
    Freedom Isn't Free. [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  6. #16
    Perfect Gentleman! =D d@v3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by esfpmary View Post
    I was thinking about that if I had done something terrible lol. I hope not lol.The only thing I could come up with is that I have always been straight forward to him though in a gentle way as he easily could see it as a personal attack. I tried to be non confrontational yet at the same time wanted to bring my way of feeling and perceiving things across. Perhaps things were too confrontational but then I cannot weigh every word. But in the end I think he liked our differences and me being more outgoing and enthousiastic. But no, I don't think I did something terrible.
    Sounds like he's a moron then! Well, I don't know about moron, but given the information you have given us about him, it seems like he needs to try to be more understanding. But, you said he was under a lot of stress and things like that so maybe he just doesn't want to be distracted.

    You're conforming a little bit to make him comfortable, now he needs to do his part and conform a little bit to make you comfortable. You meet halfway and everyone is happy. It becomes a win/win situation. But it sounds like he is unwilling to do that. Sorry, but don't waste your time with him as time is the only thing you cannot replace!
    Freedom Isn't Free. [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  7. #17
    Junior Member browneyes94's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by esfpmary View Post
    I have a good friend who is an ISTJ. Last month he was very stressed and in chaos mode and acted very irrational towards me. He had stress at work and it seemed I really saw his raw shadow side coming out after work. He even told me a few nasty lies and basically told me off. He clearly was not himself. I somehow understand him and forgive him. We haven't spoken for a long time. I just let him be so he can put his life back in order. I have asked him in an email if he wishes our friendship to stop or if he likes to go on as I do not know if he appreciates my input. I never received a reply. Lately he is trying to contact me as I missed a few calls but he seems elusive when I call him since he does not pick up the phone and it goes to voicemail. I do not want to communicate through voicemail. After a few days this happens again and when I pick up the phone he hangs up. Is it that hard for an ISTJ to say sorry? Has anybody got a clue what is going on? I believe he is not a player and he is a gentle person except when stressed. I am a bit lost on this one.
    Mary
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    Well i know that it's hard for me to apologize for something, even when i am wrong. I dont like apologizing :/

  8. #18
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    Thank you very much for your replies. All of your answers were true as after many weeks he got back to me and I could feel insecurity whether I had given up on the friendship. The difficult part for me is that he is reluctant to talk about it which I would very much like but I realise I cannot force this and don't want to put pressure. He always seems to be a bit ambivalent in his mind and seems easily triggered by my comments so I stopped rocking the boat. Right now for instance he seems to be in the push/pull mode and has stress at work so I will just play it by the ear for now and let him be in control hee hee.
    But your comments certainly helped a lot.
    Mary
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  9. #19

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    Quote Originally Posted by esfpmary View Post
    I have a good friend who is an ISTJ. Last month he was very stressed and in chaos mode and acted very irrational towards me. He had stress at work and it seemed I really saw his raw shadow side coming out after work. He even told me a few nasty lies and basically told me off. He clearly was not himself. I somehow understand him and forgive him. We haven't spoken for a long time. I just let him be so he can put his life back in order. I have asked him in an email if he wishes our friendship to stop or if he likes to go on as I do not know if he appreciates my input. I never received a reply. Lately he is trying to contact me as I missed a few calls but he seems elusive when I call him since he does not pick up the phone and it goes to voicemail. I do not want to communicate through voicemail. After a few days this happens again and when I pick up the phone he hangs up. Is it that hard for an ISTJ to say sorry? Has anybody got a clue what is going on? I believe he is not a player and he is a gentle person except when stressed. I am a bit lost on this one.
    Mary
    isfp
    He is clearly in catastrophe mode. It is hard to say sorry for us ISTJs sometimes. And, I don't know about other ISTJs, but I know about myself, and I often change my mind at the last minute. So he could be wanting to talk to you when he calls, and then just as you pick up he changes his mind. I hate communicating through voicemail as well. Personally, I would just give him time. If he really wants to get in contact with you, he will. But if you don't listen to that, at least listen to this: WAIT UNTIL HE IS OUT OF CATASTROPHE MODE. HE WILL RETURN TO HIS NORMAL SELF.

    Another thing you could try is leaving him a voicemail saying that you can help him deal with some stress. ISTJs don't like getting help, but will if the situation demands it.

    Yet another suggestion: You could, as the second post states, tell him it's his duty to talk to you. Tell him that it's his duty to let you know whether you want your friendship to keep going or not, so that you can move on if need be. I know if I were faced with that situation, I would take the friendship

    Just some suggestions.

  10. #20
    Senior Member swordpath's Avatar
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    I can be weird and I guess a bit greedy about communicating on my own terms when it comes to things going sour within a relationship. I come around though, as I suspect your friend will too. I'd wait it out.

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