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  1. #1
    Senior Member FallaciaSonata's Avatar
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    Talking Grocery Store Humor: ISTJ-Style

    Grocery Store Humor: An ISTJ Service Clerk's Perspective



    When life gives you lemons, take 'em back to produce.

    Do English Muffins have accents?

    Clearly, French Fries are not from France. Is Texas Toast from Texas, though? It is big, after all.

    I've finally figured out why they call it "Half & Half"! It's half one thing, and half another!

    Please explain to me why any sane person would want a paper bag *inside* of a plastic bag.

    Please explain to me why any sane person would want double-bagged paper bags to be bagged lightly.

    Why on earth do people go to the left door that has the big red circle on it, as opposed to the door on the right side that has the green circle?

    Honestly, I deal with bags and groceries on a daily basis. So why on earth would *anyone* dispute me when I say the bag will not rip when lifted?

    When customers make irresponsible decisions and/or stupid mistakes, it somehow magically becomes the cashier's fault.

    The shopping carts just look better when they're in even rows.

    Purchasing pork brings a whole new meaning to "bringing home the bacon".

    Canned, vegetarian, breaded chicken fingers made from soy? Who would buy that!?

    I just don't get it --- Evaporated Milk. Just think about it for a second.

    A rather....large customer once told me she was trying to lose weight. She's a regular --- rides the Amigo and buys mostly from the frozen section.

    Clearly, that massive package of strawberries is *not* $0.99. Not to mention that almost all produce is weighed per pound......and has been for years.

    Here, let me run all the way to the back corner of the store to get you that free gallon of milk because the cashier reminded you and sent me. Really, I don't mind.

    Here, I'll take that milk all the way back because the date was the 17th and not the 19th. I will then proceed to search for one that is the 19th, and upon returning with it, discover that you've already left because "I took too long". And as an added bonus, I'll even go put it back!

    Please look behind you before backing up out of your parking space. My shopping carts and I appreciate it greatly.

    Please don't refer to me by my name (even though it's clearly written on my nametag) unless you know me. I can tolerate it, but that doesn't make it less creepy.

    No, the bags are most certainly not free, and no, you cannot just take as many as you want. And no, my manager will *not* say something different, even if I go get her to deal with you.

    Please don't haggle --- this is a grocery *store*, not a grocery auction house.

    Just because there's a good sale on something doesn't mean you have to go and buy up all the ones we have. The people that come after you get upset.

    People always look at me in total and utter disbelief when I inform them that the Men's Restroom is indeed cleaner than the Women's. It's true!

    Please don't eat your groceries while standing in line. It's just awkward. And it's stealing if it is something that is weighed and priced at the register.

    Please know how much money you have on hand, and how much you are going to spend. I hate it when people get up to the register with a huge (fully loaded) shopping cart, and ask the cashier to "stop when it gets to $50". If you really can't keep track of your spending in your head, get a calculator!

    If you don't want me to take out your groceries, please say so. Don't wait for me to bag them, load them into my cart, and then take my cart. That's not nice --- In fact, I call it "cart-jacking". It leaves me cart-less for the person behind you.

    Speaking of people behind you....when you leave and I follow you to take out your stuff, please don't leave your cart directly in front of the person behind you. That's not cool.

    Attention customers: You are *not* the only one in the store. The world does *not* revolve around you. There are other people that need my help.

    The customer is not always right. It is merely the duty of the salesman to let them think they are.

    I feel bad for these college-aged guys that eat out of the frozen section. Didn't their mother teach them to cook? Not to mention when they hit thirty and their metabolism slows down, they're going to bulk up. And not in a good way.

    When I ask if you want your milk in a bag, and you reply, "I like it in the jug", please understand that my laugh is a pity laugh. It's not funny. (Hypocritical of me, isn't it?)

    Ever notice how whenver someone drops and breaks something, it's either expensive, gross-smelling, incredibly hard to clean up, or some combination of the three?

    It really bothers me when people get cash back on food stamps (or other welfare programs) so they can buy more alcohol and cigarettes.

    Are you kidding me? I *just* mopped back there! (Now I'm sounding like my Mom.)





    As bad as some of that may have sounded, I really do like my job.

    The primary purpose of it was to brighten someone's day. I hope it did so.

    Always remember to flank your enemies. History won't remember how dramatic your failed frontal assault looked. - Dragon Age: Origins

  2. #2
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    I thought yesterday, if I recall it right, what movie the quote: "Your life hasnt to be composed of emptiness" was from.

    I still dont know it. Any ideas ?

    [YOUTUBE="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnYk4GmLNy0"]has anyone seen my vacuum tubes ? I am looking for my vacuum tubes ?![/YOUTUBE]
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  3. #3
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    Thanks for the chuckle .. You have given this a lot of thought i see

    I used to work in retail and i loved it .. The amount of times i was asked if they could get the item for half price as there was a scratch on it .. In my head i was just thinking 'well just get one without a scratch on it you cheap b*s*ard' oh and people coming in and asking for particular change or another 5 pound note without the rip on it, that was hilarious (this woman wanted to put the 5 pound note in a birthday card, obviously as supervisor i had the till keys so although i did have other notes, i actually gave her 5 pounds in coins and i mean a handful of coins, lol).. It was so much fun though.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  4. #4
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    I'll eat drink whatever if I'm going to pay for it

    You can't stop me

    also you're getting paid to be there... I'm losing money to be there

    and yes I have worked retail lol I know all about bad customers but the best thing to do is to take nothing seriously

    but why am I telling this to an SJ... they won't listen for the millionth time

    but no really... just chill out

    see there I go again

    I'll go now....

  5. #5
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unique View Post

    but why am I telling this to an SJ... they won't listen for the millionth time
    I know .. Its wicked .. .. Never mind, you entertained me for a moment there.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  6. #6
    Senior Member Amira's Avatar
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    LOL, that's a pretty good list. People are funny!
    Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~Plato

  7. #7
    Senior Member Qre:us's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FallaciaSonata View Post
    Grocery Store Humor: An ISTJ Service Clerk's Perspective


    When life gives you lemons, take 'em back to produce.

    Be happy you didn't end up with the smaller lime.

    Do English Muffins have accents?

    Depends on whether or not an Englishman/woman is eating it.
    Clearly, French Fries are not from France. Is Texas Toast from Texas, though? It is big, after all.

    Eat French Fries with Texas Toasts and see who wins the duel in your tummy. Most likely not the French (fries).



    I've finally figured out why they call it "Half & Half"! It's half one thing, and half another!

    But...is it wholesome?

    Please explain to me why any sane person would want a paper bag *inside* of a plastic bag.

    So your groceries can throw up.

    Please explain to me why any sane person would want double-bagged paper bags to be bagged lightly.

    Anarchy

    Why on earth do people go to the left door that has the big red circle on it, as opposed to the door on the right side that has the green circle?

    Anarcy...part deux

    Honestly, I deal with bags and groceries on a daily basis. So why on earth would *anyone* dispute me when I say the bag will not rip when lifted?

    Suspicion of a lazy employee.

    When customers make irresponsible decisions and/or stupid mistakes, it somehow magically becomes the cashier's fault.

    Customer's always right.

    The shopping carts just look better when they're in even rows.

    That looks odd.

    Purchasing pork brings a whole new meaning to "bringing home the bacon".
    Just like an Asian buying Italian sausage. (so wrong! jk)

    Canned, vegetarian, breaded chicken fingers made from soy? Who would buy that!?

    NOT transitioning vegetarians!

    I just don't get it --- Evaporated Milk. Just think about it for a second.

    *1 sec* The milk's still there. But the water's gone!

    A rather....large customer once told me she was trying to lose weight. She's a regular --- rides the Amigo and buys mostly from the frozen section.

    To starve herself while the food won't go bad, if ever needed.

    Clearly, that massive package of strawberries is *not* $0.99. Not to mention that almost all produce is weighed per pound......and has been for years.

    Hope springs eternal.

    Here, let me run all the way to the back corner of the store to get you that free gallon of milk because the cashier reminded you and sent me. Really, I don't mind.

    You're walking! I thought you said RUN!!!


    Here, I'll take that milk all the way back because the date was the 17th and not the 19th. I will then proceed to search for one that is the 19th, and upon returning with it, discover that you've already left because "I took too long". And as an added bonus, I'll even go put it back!

    Make sure to put it back right at the front, to avoid a replay of searching.

    Please look behind you before backing up out of your parking space. My shopping carts and I appreciate it greatly.

    Cars use rearview mirrors, shopping cart drivers use their own sight. Show some consideration!

    Please don't refer to me by my name (even though it's clearly written on my nametag) unless you know me. I can tolerate it, but that doesn't make it less creepy.

    What if I purr your name? Will that help? *bats eyelashes*


    No, the bags are most certainly not free, and no, you cannot just take as many as you want. And no, my manager will *not* say something different, even if I go get her to deal with you.

    Persistence pays off.

    Please don't haggle --- this is a grocery *store*, not a grocery auction house.

    Fight the corporate power!!

    Just because there's a good sale on something doesn't mean you have to go and buy up all the ones we have. The people that come after you get upset.

    But, I get extra happy!
    People always look at me in total and utter disbelief when I inform them that the Men's Restroom is indeed cleaner than the Women's. It's true!

    But...how are the bushes looking outside the store? Yellowish, eh?

    Please don't eat your groceries while standing in line. It's just awkward. And it's stealing if it is something that is weighed and priced at the register.

    Robin Hood!

    Please know how much money you have on hand, and how much you are going to spend. I hate it when people get up to the register with a huge (fully loaded) shopping cart, and ask the cashier to "stop when it gets to $50". If you really can't keep track of your spending in your head, get a calculator!

    But, you have a calculator/cash register at your stand....why should I bring an extra?

    If you don't want me to take out your groceries, please say so. Don't wait for me to bag them, load them into my cart, and then take my cart. That's not nice --- In fact, I call it "cart-jacking". It leaves me cart-less for the person behind you.

    Ask me first!


    Speaking of people behind you....when you leave and I follow you to take out your stuff, please don't leave your cart directly in front of the person behind you. That's not cool.

    But, hella funny!

    Attention customers: You are *not* the only one in the store. The world does *not* revolve around you. There are other people that need my help.

    But, I'm the only one that matters.

    The customer is not always right. It is merely the duty of the salesman to let them think they are.

    Either way, end result: customer is always right.

    I feel bad for these college-aged guys that eat out of the frozen section. Didn't their mother teach them to cook? Not to mention when they hit thirty and their metabolism slows down, they're going to bulk up. And not in a good way.

    That's when they get wives.


    When I ask if you want your milk in a bag, and you reply, "I like it in the jug", please understand that my laugh is a pity laugh. It's not funny. (Hypocritical of me, isn't it?)

    Better than telling the girl employee, 'from your jugs!'

    Ever notice how whenver someone drops and breaks something, it's either expensive, gross-smelling, incredibly hard to clean up, or some combination of the three?

    Maximize the clean-up

    It really bothers me when people get cash back on food stamps (or other welfare programs) so they can buy more alcohol and cigarettes.

    More food for ME!

    Are you kidding me? I *just* mopped back there! (Now I'm sounding like my Mom.)

    Ah, but, do I need some quick cash in the way of a lawsuit settlement?Then, *stomp, glide, wee* all over the floor.


    As bad as some of that may have sounded, I really do like my job.

    The primary purpose of it was to brighten someone's day. I hope it did so. And, I'm just playing with ya.
    ^

  8. #8
    veteran attention whore Jeffster's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FallaciaSonata View Post
    If you don't want me to take out your groceries, please say so. Don't wait for me to bag them, load them into my cart, and then take my cart. That's not nice --- In fact, I call it "cart-jacking". It leaves me cart-less for the person behind you.

    Speaking of people behind you....when you leave and I follow you to take out your stuff, please don't leave your cart directly in front of the person behind you. That's not cool.
    I don't get these. Do you take out the groceries in a different cart than the one the customer shopped in?
    Jeffster Illustrates the Artisan Temperament <---- click here

    "I like the sigs with quotes in them from other forum members." -- Oberon

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  9. #9
    Senior Member FallaciaSonata's Avatar
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    I was wondering if I should have spent time defining what I do --- that's something that puts my store apart from most. We take out their groceries with slightly better carts, referred to as "Service Carts". They're upright and have hooks on the sides for optimum bag holding. They're also easier to steer and I can take out two at a time if the order is very large. ($300+ orders sometimes require two carts.)

    When they push up the normal cart, and unload it onto the belt, the stuff comes down to me where I bag it and place it in mine. Store policy says I cannot "ask" them if they want their groceries taken out. I'm not sure why.

    The worst-case scenario: They take my cart, that I just loaded up, and leave theirs in front of the guy behind them. This leaves me without a cart (I could use theirs, but it's not as good) and it inconveniences the person behind them. It also takes more effort on their part to get around the cart in the first place. (It's much easier to just push it forward, or out into the room you have to go through to leave anyway.)

    : )

    Always remember to flank your enemies. History won't remember how dramatic your failed frontal assault looked. - Dragon Age: Origins

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