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  1. #11
    Perfect Gentleman! =D d@v3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron View Post
    That's what I meant when I said something like "my relationships seem to start out of necessity." On some level, though, that bothers me. It says to me that my friends and I just met by coincidence, which feels as if it takes away from authenticity and "truth" in the friendship.

    Similar, and more important, is that my friendships die away when those situations change. They are founded on common-ground and common-interests, and when I examine a friendship, that's what I see. "What would we do without those common interests? Probably nothing. How could a friendship last while doing nothing together, even if intent to be friends is still there? I don't think it can. So it seems the friendship hinges on doing these things: lose that, and the drift occurs." And again, this makes me question the "authenticity" of the friendship.

    The intent/desire to be friends is the weird part. I can feel it a lot of times, even when there are less and less activities that we want to do together, so the friendship withers away. I don't want it to do so, but it does, maybe inevitably.

    I think the bulk of this applies to relationships, too.
    This makes sense. Although I have never really thought of my friendship not being there. Waning away is a term that is useful in this situation, until you go hang out together or something then it waxes. But there is definitley something about being in contact (face to face) with eachother that makes a difference.

    On a different note, I have never gone out and "made" friends. Not even out of necessity, although it would be nice to know how one even goes about doing that? I mean, you can't MAKE someone be your friend. In fact, if you try that aggesively they will probably turn out to be an enemy. Yes, a friendship is a mutual bond, not a one sided thing.
    Freedom Isn't Free. [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  2. #12
    Senior Member AutumnReverie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron View Post
    Similar, and more important, is that my friendships die away when those situations change. They are founded on common-ground and common-interests, and when I examine a friendship, that's what I see. "What would we do without those common interests? Probably nothing. How could a friendship last while doing nothing together, even if intent to be friends is still there? I don't think it can. So it seems the friendship hinges on doing these things: lose that, and the drift occurs." And again, this makes me question the "authenticity" of the friendship.
    I have had similar experiences. Once that common-interest or necessity fades away, the friendship fades away as well. I don't mean for it to happen but once it's gone it's harder for me to maintain that friendship or put out the extra effort required to keep that friendship.

    Quote Originally Posted by TheChosenOne View Post
    Yeah I usually make friendships out of necessities also, like being in the same class to get resources.
    Same here. My closest group of friends in middle-school to early high school was formed because I wrote a screenplay and I needed people to act/direct/etc for me. I chose a group and through our daily/weekly meetings we all became close friends. Eventually our meetings became half-work and half-socialization. In late highschool, I formed my closest group of friends because I needed a study group. I picked people who I knew and got along with in class and created a group, initially none of them knew each other (except they all knew me) but we became friends. Similarly, our study sessions at Borders became half-studying and half-socialization (usually occurred right after the studying was completed). No in college, I've yet to make a close group of friends but I'm assuming a similar pattern will occur.

    Quote Originally Posted by TheChosenOne View Post
    Sometimes I may seem a little disloyal, because I don't hang out with the same people I used to, basically out of necessity.
    Yes, people tend to take this in a negative way. They assume that I'm "blowing them off" because I don't like them anymore or never cared about the friendship, but that's not it at all. If any one of them were once again in a position where they were face-to-face with me on a daily basis, then I would have no qualms with resuming the friendship as was. I still care about anyone who I've been close friends with in the past, even if that's hard for other to people to see/believe. Which definitely disappoints me, because I would prefer people who I consider to be "friends" (whether past or present) not to be angry at me.

    I think friendship is very important, but I also think that it's very difficult for us (ISTJs) in particular because people may misinterpret our actions as "disloyal" or something similar.

    For example*, the summer after I graduated highschool I moved to the state where I would be attending my university. The entire summer, my 12th grade best friend from high school kept bugging me (heavily hinting/asking) me if he could come visit for the summer. And I kept telling him that it was illogical for him to spend a lot of money just to be physical near me. 1) I was working full time and he would just have to be alone in the house for the majority of the day. And 2) All we would do is talk, and we could already do that over the phone. And there was nothing to do in that town (he'd be bored) except maybe go to the bar and, again, all we would do is sit around and talk/laugh/etc (all things that could be done over the phone). And 3) our "common ground" (our classes together) was no longer there anymore.

    I had other reasons as well but, anyways, he interpreted it to mean that I didn't want to see him or I didn't miss him as much as he missed me. He wasn't angry about it, but I got the feeling that his feelings were definitely hurt a little and that he questioned my "loyalty" to the friendship. But again, I just didn't think it made sense for him to need to be physically near me for no purpose at all --maybe if I was a touchy-feely person and I hugged people a lot, and he missed that, then maybe I could understand. But I don't really hug people. Or if I was in a relationship with someone, again, then I would have been able to understand the need for physical intimacy and approved the person's plans to buy a plane ticket just to have that with me.


    *minimized in case you would rather skip the long example/details

    Long post, short version: I feel like we do have "feelings" for our friends but this need for "necessity" or a common-link might get in the way of our friends recognizing these "feelings".

    Edit: To be clear though, this is definitely not a facet of my personality/type that I'm "proud" of. I wish I could keep these friendships even when I'm not naturally inclined to. I have tried before and will keep trying. Hopefully, eventually, I'll be able to.

    On a different note, I have never gone out and "made" friends. Not even out of necessity, although it would be nice to know how one even goes about doing that?
    I attempted to try and "make" friends with someone this year (for the past couple of months) and I wouldn't recommend it. It was frustrating, especially when things did not go according to plan. I also think my type made it hard for me as well, because I'm not...great at "reading" people/picking up on subtle emotional signs/determining their "feelings" for me (although, I've tried to improve). In the end, I didn't get the desired result. We ended up being stuck as "more than acquaintances, but less than actual real friends".

    My Conclusion: I have decided to return to letting friendships occur "naturally".
    After all,
    you're my wonderwall...

    {listen: }

  3. #13
    Senior Member FallaciaSonata's Avatar
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    I agree with what has been said. The idea of going out and making a friend seems....strange, and even stressful, to a certain degree.

    That said, what do you guys think about the opposite? How do you feel when someone tries to "befriend" you? And what about those aggressively-happy types? (I dislike them.) = )

    In those particular cases, I usually avoid them like the plague. Super-upbeat, overly-happy people creep me out.

    Always remember to flank your enemies. History won't remember how dramatic your failed frontal assault looked. - Dragon Age: Origins

  4. #14
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    What's 'Mitlufer' called in english ?

    wrapper ? nominal member ?
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  5. #15
    Senior Member AutumnReverie's Avatar
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    Someone trying to "befriend" me? I don't mind it. I find that extroverts tend to do it often and, honestly, it makes it easier for me. It eliminates the need for me to make any possible awkward advances towards spending more time with them (if I like the person) in the initial "get to know each other" phase of friendship, because I already know that they are interested and would like to be my friend.

    As for aggressively-happy types:
    Actually my junior year of highschool, I met a very "always happy/upbeat" girl who also tried very hard to befriend me ...and succeeded. Was she a little overwhelming at first? Yes. However, I felt like her happiness was genuine and that she was a very nice person, so I did become friends with her. She actually ended up considering me to be her "best friend". So yeah, sometimes I can stand those types of people if they are actually genuine and nice. If the person has a "always upbeat" facade but is actually a bitch beneath that, then no.
    After all,
    you're my wonderwall...

    {listen: }

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