[ISFJ] I accidentally hurt an ISFJ's feelings... now what do I do?!

[maliafee]

I read your post to my ISFJ, who said, "Just say you're sorry. An apology always seems to work."

 

[maliafee]

Er. I doubt even he knows all the details of his life. And knows the details doesn't mean you know all the issues that arise from them, either.

Besides, your boyfriend has probably been with you for quite a while. This guy just met KarenParker, ergo, abandonment issues.

But I'm telling you, if he's really into her, it's normal for an ISFJ to want to see her every day, he needn't have abandonment issues to want this. Of course, he could...

AND, who cares if we've been together over a year (as we have)? I know what it was like him in the early stages as well...

AND, I do know he has no abandonment issues.

 

[KarenParker]

I read your post to my ISFJ, who said, "Just say you're sorry. An apology always seems to work."

Are you talking to me?

 

[Tigerlily]

lol that's funny because I was going to suggest that you apologize. ISFJ's are usually forgiving but they do seem to need a heart felt explanation as to why you've hurt then in the first place.

Is he the sort of person that makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells? Sensitive? One ISFJ I know is extremely sensitive. I pleaded my case, tried to reason, connect with them, you name it and it was a no go.

 

[KarenParker]

lol that's funny because I was going to suggest that you apologize. ISFJ's are usually forgiving but they do seem to need a heart felt explanation as to why you've hurt then in the first place.

Is he the sort of person that makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells? Sensitive? One ISFJ I know is extremely sensitive. I pleaded my case, tried to reason, connect with them, you name it and it was a no go.

Oh yes definitely. He is very sensitive and gets his feelings hurt easily and is overly accommodating and doesn't want anyone's feelings to get hurt and the problem is that I'm THE EXACT SAME WAY. So here lies our dilemma. But actually it worked out and we are both ok and back to harmony and closeness again. So I am relieved. We just have to make sure the other one feels cared for. It's kind of obnoxious because with thinkers I never have to be careful. It's kind of nice. But I love feelers. I just love exchanging emotions with them.

 

[FDG]

Uhm, couldn't you just tell him that you were busy/had other stuff to do/wanted to stay at home instead of talking about feeling/relationships? I think it's easier to avoid misunderstandings this way..

 

[Mort Belfry]

I accidentally hurt an ISFJ's feelings... now what do I do?!

You could try not caring.

 

[KarenParker]

Oh no. Now the thinkers are here. Party's over. ;-)

 

[Grungemouse]

Oh no. Now the thinkers are here. Party's over. ;-)

Heeeey. Don't lump me in with them. I'm capable of compassion.

This thread is really helpful, by the way. I think I may have upset my ISFJ, and we're supposed to be meeting up tomorrow. *facepalm*

 

[Totenkindly]

Give him some structure in your requests. (like, "We can talk every other day in the evening for <how long>" or something similar). The more you can specify the rules for him, the better, and he'll feel less like it's just a rejection. Tying your need for room to practical needs also should help some, so he sees the rationality of it.

You're probably dealing with a non-intuitive person, so you need to not leave vague areas. Ambiguity can become a large fearsome thing to an Si-driven person, they often imagine the worst when they're force to imagine.

 

[Amargith]

Give him some structure in your requests. (like, "We can talk every other day in the evening for <how long>" or something similar). The more you can specify the rules for him, the better, and he'll feel less like it's just a rejection. Tying your need for room to practical needs also should help some, so he sees the rationality of it.

+1

I didn't think of that myself, but it's a good point.

 

[maliafee]

Are you talking to me?

Yes, I was.

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

I read your post to my ISFJ, who said, "Just say you're sorry. An apology always seems to work."

I think that's the worst thing she can do. Think about the kind of dynamic it'll set up, and consider that she has nothing to be sorry about.

But I'm telling you, if he's really into her, it's normal for an ISFJ to want to see her every day, he needn't have abandonment issues to want this. Of course, he could...

*shrug* I still don't buy it, but I'm stubborn and I can't be convinced without meeting him in person.

 

[maliafee]

I think that's the worst thing she can do. Think about the kind of dynamic it'll set up, and consider that she has nothing to be sorry about.

ISFJs don't care if there's something to be sorry about. It's not exactly logical. They like apologies if you've hurt their feelings. She says she has, so yes, there is something to be sorry about, unfortunately.

*shrug* I still don't buy it, but I'm stubborn and I can't be convinced without meeting him in person.

I don't have abandonment issues and like to see my SO every day at the beginning... same with my ISFJ (same with my ex ENTP for that matter).

 

[uberrogo]

I told him I needed more space because he wanted to see me every day and call all the time. I said it as gently as I possibly could. Now he's just cancelled our date for tonight because he said he had an awful day. I feel so bad about it and I don't know what to do. I only told him because I want things to last with him for the long-haul.

Personally, I would think you were becoming disenchanted with me and I would act the same way since we were breaking up.

 

[KarenParker]

Personally, I would think you were becoming disenchanted with me and I would act the same way since we were breaking up.

Oh no! But we aren't breaking up! I adore you!

 

[Habba]

Somehow I find it weird that an extrovert is asking introvert for some room... or maybe not... I think introverts tend to be more intense with their partners.

ISFJs I know don't usually show up their negative emotions, and tell you what's bugging them with you (even though they are willing to complain just about anything else but you). They also tend to be highly cynical towards what's said. They believe in action.

So, with actions you can prove that you care. But ISFJs a I know don't like anything fancy, something nice, kind and cute will do just fine. But it has to be lasting, not just one time thing...

My own ISFJ once said that it's weird how we never do anything fancy or extraordinary, like expensive restaurant evenings, costly vacation trips, etc... and she said she likes it that way. It's just me and her (that's the most important part... sharing the time with just one person at a time), maybe a movie or a board game.. some ordinary food and ordinary music. Very plain and simple. Just the way we ISxJs like it.

Even thought this does not answer your question at all, I hope it gives you some insight about ISFJs. That should help you to better understand his needs.

Edit: Oh, and some unhealthy ISFJs I know tend to get hurt very easily, so that other's would pity them and agree with them. They use guilt as a weapon, and are very good at it.

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

Unwarranted Apologies

ISFJs don't care if there's something to be sorry about. It's not exactly logical. They like apologies if you've hurt their feelings. She says she has, so yes, there is something to be sorry about, unfortunately.

As long as someone gets their feelings hurt you should apologize? Bad decision, imo. I'm not going to give you a lecture on relationships; I'm just going to say that making wise decisions in relationships goes beyond smoothing over every rough spot with an apology. An inappropriate apology can set a bad precedent in a relationship. It sends the message that (1) anytime I act sad I'll get an apology and feel better and (2) I don't have to ever grow stronger because she'll always apologize and it's okay and (3) as long as I act sad, I can manipulate her into letting her guard down. You're reinforcing insecurity by what you're doing. The ISFJ aspect is completely irrelevant.

I don't have abandonment issues and like to see my SO every day at the beginning... same with my ISFJ (same with my ex ENTP for that matter).

No offense, but it still sounds like something is up. Maybe codependency is a better word, but I think codependency emanates from insecure attachment. Like I said before, I don't really trust people's self-assessments unless I know them really well, and even then, I may not trust them. It sounds conceited, but that's how I roll.

 

[Snow Turtle]

Personally I think an apology for hurt feeling is fine. I basically use it as acknowledgement that their feelings have been hurt and thus validate their emotions instead of invalidating them. An ISFJ will feel much better knowing that somebody understands where they are coming from.

It's at this point where the difference in maturity will settle in - whether the ISFJs Ti or more logical side will kick into play, or whether they will let themselves still be run with hurt emotions that the other person never intended.

"I'm sorry you feel this way, but I never intended it that way" - You aren't apologising for what you did for them, but are sorry for how they are feeling about the whole thing.

 

[Tigerlily]

wow, just got back from picking my daughter up from preschool and I may have made the ISFJ teacher's assistant cry.

On our way out she handed me an invitation to the mom's breakfast this Friday and pointed to the time as if to say don't be late. Here's where the problem lies. I take my daughter who is in 3rd grade to school first. I have asked both the preschool teacher and her assistant if our being 15-20 minutes late is a problem and at least the teacher has insisted that it is not so I didn't think any more of it. Today when I mentioned to the assistant that I feel as though it bothers her and if so she should say something and I will do my best to make sure that Ree is there at 9:00. I could tell she was hurt, why I'm not sure because all I wanted to make sure was that we were causing a disruption in the class by coming in late. I barely know this woman but I can tell you that there is probably nothing I can do to make her not dislike me from this point on.

My suggestion? Stay away from ISFJ's. They are too high maintenance and I always wind up groveling at some point because they're too damn sensitive and both my Fe and Fi go haywire when I think I've hurt them. I will likely spend the rest of today worried about a woman I barely know whose salary I help pay all because she was unreachable after her feelings were hurt. I even said several times that it was not my intention to upset her and that I just didn't want to make her job more difficult by being late. I AM TRYING TO COMMUNICATE. No response. Dead in the water.

Also I know someone who I suspect is an ISFJ who I actually really like a lot but something happened along the way (not completely sure what) and nothing I do will ever make things right in her eyes again so I have to let it go. I can grovel and try to connect all I want but I will likely be wasting my time plus that is just too draining. It's a shame for me because I rarely find a person who I admire as much as I do this person.