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  1. #1
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    Default Question for SJs about views on INFPs

    I'm a male INFP in a relationship with a female ESFJ. Some would call this an unlikely pairing(others, I'm sure would confirm its possibility and even positive aspects).

    For the most part, things have been going beautifully for the last 3 months since we began dating. I have been rather stressed lately, however, and I because of this I have a tendency to become emotionally overloaded and have trouble getting out of my head and imagining problems. I think all of this boils down to one major issue that I want to discuss here.

    So my question for ESFJs(or indeed anyone who might have any sort of insight) is: I see that my girlfriend likes to accomplish things. I am a highly impractical person who is more interested in doing whatever suits my fancy on any given day. She says she is really okay with who I am, but I can't shake this feeling that someday she's going to open her eyes and start to be annoyed by my lack of accomplishment(or desire for accomplishment sometimes), and will for this reason start attempting to assert control in areas she feels there is a problem, and I don't. Sometimes I wonder, because she is pragmatic and concrete, how she could appreciate anything about my personality(despite the fact that I find myself quite interesting. haha).
    I know this worry is likely unfounded, and believe me, I'm doing everything in my power to avoid such negative thoughts.

    My sister is also an ESFJ, and I can't help but feel that she views me as lazy. I am really okay with waking up, playing my guitar, getting on the computer, enjoying a video game, and hanging out with friends when I'm not working. The things she does easily(administrative, management, organization), are very difficult for me, and because her skills are more practical I sometimes feel she views herself, somewhere deep inside, as superior to me(even though I don't feel this way myself). Needless to say, I worry that my current relationship will someday turn into this, though there aren't any strong hints so far that this might be the case. And really, my sister and I have a pretty good relationship. I just can't help but assume she views her worldview and capabilities as more valid because they are both more practical. Any input or opinions are welcome here.

    All of these things said, both my sister and girlfriend both surprise me with their romps into 'N' and 'P' territory, or other attempts at flexibility and understanding. My girlfriend will sit and listen to me ramble on about feelings for minutes at a time, and I feel she really wants to connect with me. She truly is a beautiful, selfless person.

    Again, please forgive me for my worrisome nature. I know in time I'll feel better again, and can return to being my normal self. In the meantime, I guess I just want to know that my girlfriend appreciates me for who I am(even when I'm not trying to be someone else), and that I'm not just some pawn in her very practical mind(hah!). I figured insight from other SJs might be helpful.
    Last edited by Augenblick; 04-21-2009 at 09:03 AM. Reason: typos and such

  2. #2
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    She will have to like you for who you are otherwise the relationship won't last for long. And if you ask me, I hate when people are lazy and spontaneous around me especially when I'm trying to get things done. I guess if she tells you she's not okay with your lack of accomplishments, make a compromise and start doing something productive for her such as cleaning the house or getting groceries. When it comes down to relationships, I think it's more compromise than anything regardless of type.

  3. #3
    Pronounced eye-ee-dee Eiddy's Avatar
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    Wow T-Guy you hit the button exactly, help around the house. I am sure she will appreciate this. Very much! My husband is pretty much lazy too, doesn't do much. I want to go out, but he prefers being the couch potato. Since he helps me with my 3 year old, deals with our other kids and cooks. I can't find anything wrong. Oh just to give you a better view. He hasn't worked in years, we decided he would stay home with the baby, since I made more money. I am pretty happy about it. Just a cute present once in awhile and I would be the happiest camper there is this side of the Atlantic..

    Good communication and a strong friendship can help work out any rough spots without facing any problems..
    Johari / Nohari

    Enneagram 1w2/Lifepath 1/first zodiac sign Aries/first Chinese zodiac sign RAT/first born in my siblings of 3. Did I forget to mention first?

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  4. #4
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    Thank you both for your (honest) replies.

    We do make it a point to communicate and be honest with one another.
    I should clarify... I am not exceptionally lazy... it's just that accomplishing things is not my forte. I will gladly help anyone with anything if they ask me, and I am very emotionally giving. I love for those around me to be happy and fulfilled, but I would have to lie to say I have ever cared much about most practical matters.

    I clean my place once in a while, when the dust starts to bother me. Problem is that I'm incredibly oblivious to my surrounds, at least when it comes to details. I feel my sister brings a lot of grief upon herself by caring so much about how clean her room is, and that in return she pushes her attention to detail on others who aren't so picky. I don't live in a trash heap, and I do see the need to mow the lawn, etc.

    I just don't see that life is simply a matter of accomplishing A, B, and C, then dying. That seems horribly hollow to me. If I can't have fun, goof off, be impractical at times(definitely some procrastination in there somewhere), I don't see the purpose.

    I agree that a major key to any relationship is compromise, and that every relationship must be considered by itself rather than in close comparison with others.

    I just often spend so much time in my head that I tend to let the physical world slide by without so much as a thought. I worry that I won't have the energy someday to care as much as other people do about tangibles and practical things. That's not to say there aren't some practical, tangible things I care about, they are just far fewer than I feel most people care about.

    Again, thanks for your replies. You have no idea how helpful these insights can be.

  5. #5
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    No problem, I'm glad our responses helped.

    I guess if you have different views and outward orientation, you'll run into conflict eventually. Again, you'll need to understand each other and compromise. I'm sure you'll do fine though. Just don't worry too much about the "possibilities".

  6. #6
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    Yes, do as T-Guy says... He knows his stuff. He worried about what's concrete right now in your relationship, since that's probably what she's worried about. Don't get caught up in your head and jump to conclusions, it's a bad habit. I've learned to not speak my mind about the future about delicate topics unless I see that a problem is going to arise from what I know is concrete, it's for the best in my opinion.

    This doesn't mean don't assert your feelings though. You will be in trouble if you don't do that. But don't make that go to jumping to conclusions.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  7. #7
    morose bourgeoisie
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    I'm in a relationship similar to yours. She is definitely someone who gets things done, and she seems content with me the way I am. I too have had moments where I feel she is too good for me,or will get sick of me, but that hasn't happened, and seems unlikely at this point.
    I don't know her type, but it's not INFP, like me, that's for sure! She is an introvert and very intuitive, I'm convinced of it, but she is an Alpha female all the way. It's been very interesting for me.

  8. #8
    Pronounced eye-ee-dee Eiddy's Avatar
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    Lots of excellent advice. I am sure she will love your laid back approach to life. I am trying that possibility out right now as we speak. Procrastination has never been my cup of coffee, but I sure do love being here a lot more than finishing up my reports. hehehe
    Johari / Nohari

    Enneagram 1w2/Lifepath 1/first zodiac sign Aries/first Chinese zodiac sign RAT/first born in my siblings of 3. Did I forget to mention first?

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  9. #9
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    Augenblick, I think that an INFP's whimsical nature can eventually become a small source of frustration (or large, depending on the type) for any S type in a relationship with one. For instance, I had a close INFP friend a few years back who would join me in coming up with lots of fun ideas for the future. We'd discuss, jot 'em down, and then I would suggest the implementation, all excited-like. That's where the disappointment started. Because as soon as I wanted to DO those things we talked about, my INFP friend would shrink back and become a bit uninterested and uncomfortable (most times). At first I was cool with it, but then it became disappointing to me since I love fun projects/things to do and I thought we were going to actually DO them. That's from an ISFP/friendship perspective, and I'm someone who does not desire change in another person whatsoever. The only reason it bugged me is because I got my hopes up and then dashed.

    So with an ESFJ, someone who respects people who "do productive things," I agree with the rest that you should just do a couple of productive things that she will respect every day, that way you can enjoy each other's differences but you will consistently please that part of her (thus compromising to meet in the middle). I know it's hard to remember, so get a piece of paper and write the days of the week. Under each day, just write 1-2 things you're willing to do. Don't advertise this, but when you're about to go do it, just say stuff like, "I'm on my way to... (do the dishes... vacuum... whatever)."

    It's especially good for an SJ if, when they actually want to relax with you, you say, "Oh sure honey, but hold on ONE sec. because I need to go take out the trash really quickly." They will love this, and then you can devote your time and attention to her afterwards. It's gonna start adding up. Even though she may not mind your non-rote behavior now, eventually ESFJ's are gonna want to see some kind of productiveness. This is a way to please her before it becomes a problem and it takes minimal effort on your part.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by maliafee View Post

    It's especially good for an SJ if, when they actually want to relax with you, you say, "Oh sure honey, but hold on ONE sec. because I need to go take out the trash really quickly." They will love this, and then you can devote your time and attention to her afterwards.
    .. loving it .. Do that alone and she will be putty in your hands.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

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