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  1. #61
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    yeah...we stay in relationships longer than we should...i just thought if it wasn't me who broke it off then i would be able to get over it quickly...but i don't know...i've always had to make the decision and i HATE big decisions like that!

    anyway...sidetracked...i just think she should try to talk with him about it...that's what i would do anyway...good luck.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  2. #62
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Tea Party, after reading your posts, I think I'd just forget about being more than friends with him if were me in your position for many reasons.

  3. #63
    Perfect Gentleman! =D d@v3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tea Party View Post
    Whoa, okay. I'm sorry I didn't have the time to respond to everyone yesterday, but I did get to read all of your awesome posts which were so, so helpful, and I was all encouraged and determined to be friendly the next time I saw him and everything, but... well, I probably should've mentioned this earlier.

    His friend/the girl he was dating (an ENFP, meep) is still interested in him, and is apparently still trying to win him back. This causes a vast and terrible mix of emotions in me, but they basically all sum up to me feeling horribly sick whenever I see her or think about her (this is of course multiplied tenfold when she is with my ISTJ.) I am extremely paranoid about them getting back together, and it's always really hard to tell whether or not they have because they have remained close friends, and she likes to flirt with him (which he doesn't seem to discourage, but I am not sure if this is because he doesn't mind or because he is simply not receptive to it.) She has a huge advantage over me, a, being an ENFP and therefor naturally more compatible, and b, being able to talk to him whenever she wants to without feeling nervous. (This I am WILDLY and exceedingly jealous of.)
    And like I said, I was really ready to talk to him today. But she was there. She doesn't have our first period (I'm afraid that this is a high school situation... which I'm sure has everyone rolling their eyes, I'm sorry) but she was there... waiting for him. (It's an elective period, so it's sort of permissible for random kids to just come and hang around.) He was uncharacteristically late today, but she went up to him once he arrived and was all "woo" and I was all "kill me." And it was kind of like that.

    But besides the primary emotion I feel for her, which I will concede is hate (I tried really hard at first not to hate her, but... I just can't help it) she also fills me with the most painful sort of guilt and empathy, because I know exactly how she feels (assuming that she actually loves him and is not just infatuated) and somehow, even though I can't stand her, I feel like if one of us should suffer through the excruciating pain of unrequited love, it should be me. I can't help but immediately come to this conclusion and back down, even though I know it is ultimately the ISTJ's choice! D: And then there is of course the guilt that comes from hating a perfectly nice person... it's awful.

    She asked him to go to this dance with her (it's a formal dance that I guess you could say is kind of specific to our school? It's not the prom or anything but it's about as important.) and he said yes, so.... I feel horribly discouraged and just generally sick. I know this is in the SJ forum, but does anyone know how hard it is for an ENFP to get over unrequited love? Is it as hard as it is for an ISFJ? Do you guys think I actually have any serious competition with her, considering that he was the one to end their relationship? :c
    Yikes! I didn't see this post. Yeah.... highschool... I did not date in high school. If you feel too nervous to talk to him or can never get to talk to him without the ENFP around, perhaps you should write him a short note? It would be MUCH easier than trying to talk to him. Slip it into his locker or something! Don't worry, he WILL get back to you. Even if it takes a little time!

    Either way, I think you need to convey your feelings to him before he goes with the ENFP. I'm afraid to tell you though, if he has already said yes to go to the dance with the ENFP, he WILL more than likely go to the dance with the ENFP- even if he does not WANT to go to the dance with the ENFP. (Sense of duty/commitment. )

  4. #64
    Senior Member Shadow's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tea Party View Post
    Whoa, okay. I'm sorry I didn't have the time to respond to everyone yesterday, but I did get to read all of your awesome posts which were so, so helpful, and I was all encouraged and determined to be friendly the next time I saw him and everything, but... well, I probably should've mentioned this earlier.

    His friend/the girl he was dating (an ENFP, meep) is still interested in him, and is apparently still trying to win him back. This causes a vast and terrible mix of emotions in me, but they basically all sum up to me feeling horribly sick whenever I see her or think about her (this is of course multiplied tenfold when she is with my ISTJ.) I am extremely paranoid about them getting back together, and it's always really hard to tell whether or not they have because they have remained close friends, and she likes to flirt with him (which he doesn't seem to discourage, but I am not sure if this is because he doesn't mind or because he is simply not receptive to it.) She has a huge advantage over me, a, being an ENFP and therefor naturally more compatible, and b, being able to talk to him whenever she wants to without feeling nervous. (This I am WILDLY and exceedingly jealous of.)
    And like I said, I was really ready to talk to him today. But she was there. She doesn't have our first period (I'm afraid that this is a high school situation... which I'm sure has everyone rolling their eyes, I'm sorry) but she was there... waiting for him. (It's an elective period, so it's sort of permissible for random kids to just come and hang around.) He was uncharacteristically late today, but she went up to him once he arrived and was all "woo" and I was all "kill me." And it was kind of like that.

    But besides the primary emotion I feel for her, which I will concede is hate (I tried really hard at first not to hate her, but... I just can't help it) she also fills me with the most painful sort of guilt and empathy, because I know exactly how she feels (assuming that she actually loves him and is not just infatuated) and somehow, even though I can't stand her, I feel like if one of us should suffer through the excruciating pain of unrequited love, it should be me. I can't help but immediately come to this conclusion and back down, even though I know it is ultimately the ISTJ's choice! D: And then there is of course the guilt that comes from hating a perfectly nice person... it's awful.

    She asked him to go to this dance with her (it's a formal dance that I guess you could say is kind of specific to our school? It's not the prom or anything but it's about as important.) and he said yes, so.... I feel horribly discouraged and just generally sick. I know this is in the SJ forum, but does anyone know how hard it is for an ENFP to get over unrequited love? Is it as hard as it is for an ISFJ? Do you guys think I actually have any serious competition with her, considering that he was the one to end their relationship? :c
    Oh no! That sounds really painful! It is hard for us introverts in these situations isn't it? Sometimes just getting in there first seems to work best. I would say if he had any sense at all he would decide which one of you he would prefer to go out with, and since his ex/current girlfriend/friend seems pretty indecisive and confused, I think you would be the better bet personally. However, to make this decision he has to know how you feel, and I wouldn't assume he knows this, especially as he's ISTJ. You may think you're making it obvious, but it's best to get your feelings out there. Don't dismiss the note idea! He's unlikely to be the type to think it's naff, in fact he may find it sweet that you were too shy to approach him directly. Plus it's better than going through the pain of seeing him with the ENFP. It would be better if you told him how you felt and he chose the ENFP than if he stayed with the ENFP and you never told him, because at least you'd know you tried and that it's nothing to do with how you played it. Obviously it's best if you talk to him alone, but this ENFP sounds like she's clinging to him like a limpet... maybe she's spotted that you're interested and is thus intrigued about him again as a result.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tea Party View Post
    <3 !

    It is such a relief to know there are ISTJ-ISFJ relationships out there. All of the ISTJ profiles on the internet make it seem like they would only ever be interested in Es. :/ And they make them sound almost robot-like, which I know is not my ISTJ.
    Yeah, I don't think these relationship compatibility suggestions always work, for whatever type. I personally can't stand Es. ISFJ is great because we're on a level and have a shared outlook on life and the world, but his Feeling means he coaxes out my emotions plus he understands what I'm about without me having to explain, so we have only ever argued once in 3 years and that wasn't even a real argument.
    There was some sort of theory posted in 'Perfect match theory' on the relationships board suggesting that medium-level introverts liked medium-level extraverts but strong introverts like weak introverts and strong extraverts like weak extraverts... or some such thing anyway! But yeah, that's probably true.

    Quote Originally Posted by d@v3 View Post
    Yikes!
    Either way, I think you need to convey your feelings to him before he goes with the ENFP. I'm afraid to tell you though, if he has already said yes to go to the dance with the ENFP, he WILL more than likely go to the dance with the ENFP- even if he does not WANT to go to the dance with the ENFP. (Sense of duty/commitment. )
    Sadly, I agree.

  5. #65
    Perfect Gentleman! =D d@v3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
    Tea Party, after reading your posts, I think I'd just forget about being more than friends with him if were me in your position for many reasons.
    Why? What reasons do you have, Hmm?

  6. #66
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by d@v3 View Post
    Why? What reasons do you have, Hmm?
    Well, the most important one being that she is a girl and kind of young. You can think about what that means and the ramifications of that.

    Also, based on everything she's said, it seems like he prefers extroverted girls. Most likely because he is introverted. I have a feeling that even if she does tell him how she feels, he'll want her to continue to be assertive (more like the ENFP he's used to) and she'd have to change who she is, which is not a good idea, especially not right now.

  7. #67
    Senior Member Eagle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tea Party View Post
    Whoa, okay. I'm sorry I didn't have the time to respond to everyone yesterday, but I did get to read all of your awesome posts which were so, so helpful, and I was all encouraged and determined to be friendly the next time I saw him and everything, but... well, I probably should've mentioned this earlier.

    His friend/the girl he was dating (an ENFP, meep) is still interested in him, and is apparently still trying to win him back. This causes a vast and terrible mix of emotions in me, but they basically all sum up to me feeling horribly sick whenever I see her or think about her (this is of course multiplied tenfold when she is with my ISTJ.) I am extremely paranoid about them getting back together, and it's always really hard to tell whether or not they have because they have remained close friends, and she likes to flirt with him (which he doesn't seem to discourage, but I am not sure if this is because he doesn't mind or because he is simply not receptive to it.) She has a huge advantage over me, a, being an ENFP and therefor naturally more compatible, and b, being able to talk to him whenever she wants to without feeling nervous. (This I am WILDLY and exceedingly jealous of.)
    And like I said, I was really ready to talk to him today. But she was there. She doesn't have our first period (I'm afraid that this is a high school situation... which I'm sure has everyone rolling their eyes, I'm sorry) but she was there... waiting for him. (It's an elective period, so it's sort of permissible for random kids to just come and hang around.) He was uncharacteristically late today, but she went up to him once he arrived and was all "woo" and I was all "kill me." And it was kind of like that.

    But besides the primary emotion I feel for her, which I will concede is hate (I tried really hard at first not to hate her, but... I just can't help it) she also fills me with the most painful sort of guilt and empathy, because I know exactly how she feels (assuming that she actually loves him and is not just infatuated) and somehow, even though I can't stand her, I feel like if one of us should suffer through the excruciating pain of unrequited love, it should be me. I can't help but immediately come to this conclusion and back down, even though I know it is ultimately the ISTJ's choice! D: And then there is of course the guilt that comes from hating a perfectly nice person... it's awful.

    She asked him to go to this dance with her (it's a formal dance that I guess you could say is kind of specific to our school? It's not the prom or anything but it's about as important.) and he said yes, so.... I feel horribly discouraged and just generally sick. I know this is in the SJ forum, but does anyone know how hard it is for an ENFP to get over unrequited love? Is it as hard as it is for an ISFJ? Do you guys think I actually have any serious competition with her, considering that he was the one to end their relationship? :c
    To all of that my heart goes out to you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tea Party View Post
    Oh yes, I am quite sure that I love him. C:

    Oh no oh no, it sounds like he probably feels like I'm ignoring him for sure. D: Sometimes I actually HAVE tried to ignore him because being around him hurt so much. Aagh, I feel so guilty!
    Don't feel guilty. Even if you are. Makes you feel worse.

    A LOT of reasons. My fear of rejection, my fear of being inadequate... (a lot of my childhood experiences greatly encouraged my already-powerful ISFJ tendency to feel inadequate/unworthy.) I just sort of... think too much. I tend to think about all the things that could go wrong in any given situation, the more emotionally invested I am in the situation, the more this is true. When I am with him I tend to think about all of my faults and all the things I am probably doing wrong, and end up convincing myself that there is no way he would like me. I guess you could say that my mind is somewhat self-destructive in this way. And of course when he is with or has been with the ENFP, that's the worst.
    Awwww. My I have two sisters that are ISFJ. I can see (especially in the one that's closest to me) how that can happen. I'm now throwing out the offer that we can talk in some PMs if you want. At the least I can attempt to encourage you.

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    ...but immature people of any type are bad.
    HAHAHA, understatement.

    Quote Originally Posted by d@v3 View Post
    Yikes! I didn't see this post. Yeah.... highschool... I did not date in high school. If you feel too nervous to talk to him or can never get to talk to him without the ENFP around, perhaps you should write him a short note? It would be MUCH easier than trying to talk to him. Slip it into his locker or something! Don't worry, he WILL get back to you. Even if it takes a little time!

    Either way, I think you need to convey your feelings to him before he goes with the ENFP. I'm afraid to tell you though, if he has already said yes to go to the dance with the ENFP, he WILL more than likely go to the dance with the ENFP- even if he does not WANT to go to the dance with the ENFP. (Sense of duty/commitment. )
    Highschool... Wow. I think that hit a few of us with surprise. I also didn't/don't date in highschool. Rather a good practice in my mind. But, to each his own.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
    Well, the most important one being that she is a girl and kind of young. You can think about what that means and the ramifications of that.

    Also, based on what she's said, it seems like he prefers extroverted girls. Probably because he is introverted. I have a feeling that even if she does tell him how she feels, he'll want her to continue to be assertive (more like the ENFP he's used to) and she'd have to change who she is which is not a good idea right now.
    Maybe she would, maybe she wouldn't. The fact that she is young does make a big difference in our minds.
    - Caleb

    "I am what I need to be..."

    "Nemo me impune lacessit - No one provokes me with impunity."

  8. #68
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eagle View Post
    Maybe she would, maybe she wouldn't. The fact that she is young does make a big difference in our minds.
    She's already trying to change.

  9. #69
    Senior Member Eagle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
    She's already trying to change.
    Which there is really nothing wrong. By just trying she'll grow. What she'll learn though, is that the best way to get someone is to be who you are.
    - Caleb

    "I am what I need to be..."

    "Nemo me impune lacessit - No one provokes me with impunity."

  10. #70
    Perfect Gentleman! =D d@v3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
    Well, the most important one being that she is a girl and kind of young. You can think about what that means and the ramifications of that.

    Also, based on everything she's said, it seems like he prefers extroverted girls. Most likely because he is introverted. I have a feeling that even if she does tell him how she feels, he'll want her to continue to be assertive (more like the ENFP he's used to) and she'd have to change who she is, which is not a good idea, especially not right now.
    I agree it wouldn't be good for her to change who she is just for this one guy. But I think the ISTJ would much prefer her over the ENFP. It depends on how mature he is though. Besides, didn't she say that the ISTJ is the one who called it off with the ENFP before? I think she should write him the note and see what happens. If she writes the note, then he will see through her smoke screen of emotional disregard for him and he will appreciate it. She really has nothing to lose by doing that.

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