[ISTJ] Trust issues

[raz]

I'm finding lately that I have a really hard time trusting people. This isn't just asking someone to do a simple task, and isn't always as serious as trust in a relationship. I have a very difficult time putting my faith in other people. I've been let down too many times. I know people have lives, blah blah blah. It's caused me to live by the philosophy that people are guilty until proven innocent.

Do other SJ's have this problem? ISTJs?

 

[Shaula]

I think this is a very common problem with ISTJs. I grew up with a few ISTJs who were let down a LOT in life and it was extremely difficult for me to earn their trust. One of them would not forgive a grudge against someone until they had died. They felt they had been betrayed by family members and past spouses. But they are getting better these days.

It's caused me to live by the philosophy that people are guilty until proven innocent.

Please realise that this can turn into unhealthy behaviour. I've seen it happen to other ISTJs and have paid the price for it when I didn't deserve it.

 

[Moiety]

Never count on others to do stuff they don't want to do. If you keep this is mind, you'll be fine.

 

[raz]

I think this is a very common problem with ISTJs. I grew up with a few ISTJs who were let down a LOT in life and it was extremely difficult for me to earn their trust. One of them would not forgive a grudge against someone until they had died. They felt they had been betrayed by family members and past spouses. But they are getting better these days.


Please realise that this can turn into unhealthy behaviour. I've seen it happen to other ISTJs and have paid the price for it when I didn't deserve it.

I think it's the cause of my clingyness. I feel I can't trust people to come back to me, so I reach out to them and try to hold onto them. One thing I'm noticing lately when I start really analyzing the friendships I've had that I thought were worth it, were with people that didn't seek me out just to...be with me. I only sought them for something I needed. I guess that goes back to me not really being such a good friend.

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

I have major trust issues too. It infects a lot of different areas of my life -- self trust, trusting lovers, and trusting my surroundings. I don't really have anything great to offer, just commiseration. Sometimes I wonder whether trying to "fix" it is pointless, because it reinforces the idea that something is WRONG with where things are it, which is really what distrust, I think, is all about. Maybe just noticing it and saying "Jesus, I'm really distrusting right now" and trying to make a cool, rational decision might help us work through it.

(Also, moved.)

 

[Shadow]

The only person apart from myself that I 100% trust is my boyfriend. Sad.
The problem is if you find throughout your life that people always have motives, or they treat you badly, you get increasing evidence for how untrustworthy the population is, and can conclude that most of the population is untrustworthy.
I think this is a large part of the reason why I hold my emotions in, because I don't trust people enough to let them see me in a vaguely vulnerable state.

 

[d@v3]

I understand how you feel Raz. It makes perfect sense to me. I have been let down too much as well, and sometimes I feel the same way: guilty until proven innocent. However, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.

I don't know about clingyness. You would think it would have the opposite effect? As if you were weeding out the good people from the bad and once you found that good person, you would treat them as you would like to be treated. I guess I don't understand what you mean by "seeking something from them that you needed"?

If you only seek people for your own benefit, you won't get anywhere. In other words....

You can only get what you want by helping others get what they want!

^ Try this, I guarantee it will help you!

Note: Like almost all rules, there are exceptions to this one too!

 

[Shaula]

I think it's the cause of my clingyness. I feel I can't trust people to come back to me, so I reach out to them and try to hold onto them.

I'm going to make the assumption that you are afraid of loosing the people whom you value. Your tactic in how to prevent this fear from being realised is by being 'clingy'. The 'clingy' approach allows you to moniter these relationships more closely so you can know whether or not things are going according to status quo. Although it will give you momentary relief the uneasy feeling will return quickly thus turning this process into an endless circle. And even worse you might inevertantly drive them away.

But a friendship is like a two sided coin and you can only control your side. If you are having difficulties with the dependability of some of your friends you probably need to discuss this with them. If they value your friendship as much you value theirs then they should be willing to change their behaviour for the betterment of the whole relationship. Maybe there is something you need to correct that is bothering them as well. If not then there is nothing you can do about it and might need to re-assess the value of these friendships and the nature in which they are to be treated.

One thing I'm noticing lately when I start really analyzing the friendships I've had that I thought were worth it, were with people that didn't seek me out just to...be with me. I only sought them for something I needed. I guess that goes back to me not really being such a good friend.

That doesn't mean you're a bad friend. That's how most adult relations are. What matters most is the enjoyment you derive from being involved with these people.

//Ugh.... this post took like an hour to write. I've such a hangover. uch:

 

[Saslou]

I do have a big hang-up about trust .. I give everything and get treated like crap in return .. With one hand i push people away so i dont get hurt and with the other i try and pull them in .. I know it is down to bad experiences and i cant change the way i am with the whole affectionate and compassionate person that i am .. Its a fine balance i think .. but its like either way its a no win situation .. If i am on guard then people wont see the real me and if i push them away i don't get to experience maybe a positive relationship/friendship. But at least i am aware of this .. so hopefully i can have a bit of foresight and not make further bad decisions.

 

[Snow Turtle]

Lately I've started becoming more misanthropic as I get disappointed by people that seem to reject me as a person because they don't seem to understand my motivations. However I don't think it'll ever become a full blown trust issue because I'm too naive and idealistic for that. My coping mechanisms are:

a) Yes - People can do stupid things because they are human. What's more important is what their intention was? Did they intend to harm me? If no, then it's fine. It was a mistake. (Some might think this is too forgiving but it's easier to deal with.)

b) Place as little expectations on the other person as possible. The only one I have for friends is that they have good intentions about my well being and when dealing with matters involving me, will take me into consideration.

c) Destroy all vunerabilities by exposing them to the public. Information can only harm me if I want to keep it as a secret.

d) I expect that most SJs will do this. I choose my friends very slowly ~ to see what sort of individual they are and what their intentions are like towards other people. This is the part where you can say I'm very slow to trust.

e) It doesn't help as an FJ I want to be around other people. If people play DnD here, the alignment that I usually give people I've never met before is neutral good. Most people have lived up to my expectations or stayed within neutrality.

 

[illume]

I have a question for the SJ's on this matter of trust then.... If someone close to you such as a spouse, dear friend or SO betrays your trust do you allow yourself to continue on in the relationship or do you,(or would you) sever all ties? I ask because I have observed how often SJ's will allow themselves to be sabotaged in relationships due to their great (and sometimes blind) loyalty.

 

[d@v3]

I have been sabatoged by who I thought was my best friend since kindergarten many times. Finally, a couple years ago, I severed all ties. But it took a LONG time for me to stop looking the other way when he did something to betray me.

So yes, sometimes loyalty is followed blindly.

 

[Saslou]

I have a question for the SJ's on this matter of trust then.... If someone close to you such as a spouse, dear friend or SO betrays your trust do you allow yourself to continue on in the relationship or do you,(or would you) sever all ties? I ask because I have observed how often SJ's will allow themselves to be sabotaged in relationships due to their great (and sometimes blind) loyalty.

My ex betrayed my trust by being unfaithful, i always told him i would leave if he ever did that. When the moment came my loyalty to him and me were greater than the fact he cheated. It was about my needs though, i wanted to give my marriage another try, i saw where the problems were and wanted to correct them. Unfortunately i wasn't given that option and he moved in with her yesterday. He messaged me today and i will not reply. As of today i want nothing to do with him. I will sever all ties. Today is another day though .

 

[Synarch]

I have major trust issues too. It infects a lot of different areas of my life -- self trust, trusting lovers, and trusting my surroundings. I don't really have anything great to offer, just commiseration. Sometimes I wonder whether trying to "fix" it is pointless, because it reinforces the idea that something is WRONG with where things are it, which is really what distrust, I think, is all about. Maybe just noticing it and saying "Jesus, I'm really distrusting right now" and trying to make a cool, rational decision might help us work through it.

(Also, moved.)

I relate. What has worked for me: trying not to avoid pain and trying to take TIME to build trust rather than expecting it where it has not been built and earned.

 

[Cimarron]

Illume, my short answer is "yes." I give girlfriends and dear ones an often uneven amount of leeway. The reasons are covered pretty well in the rest of this thread.

 

[Snow Turtle]

Old thread.
Personally I don't think I could stay in a relationship with someone who intentionally cheated with me. I place alot of trust in my friends, especially since I specifically choose who I hang around with, to not harm me if given the chance. That sort of thing is betrayal on the highest order for me, I would not mind as much if it was an accident but then I'd be thinking...

Having said that I might be speaking differently when the time comes, but I don't think it would be healthy for me to continue the relationship as I'd probably develop paranoia issues and all that. With most things I'm pretty lenient but intentional harm is just a no-go zone.

 

[EJCC]

Excellent thread!

d) I expect that most SJs will do this. I choose my friends very slowly ~ to see what sort of individual they are and what their intentions are like towards other people. This is the part where you can say I'm very slow to trust.

I'm definitely like this. I have a very hard time phasing from friendly acquaintance phase to genuine friend phase. It gets five times worse with every successive phase shift. Which explains why I'm currently single... :smiley_violin:

I have a question for the SJ's on this matter of trust then.... If someone close to you such as a spouse, dear friend or SO betrays your trust do you allow yourself to continue on in the relationship or do you,(or would you) sever all ties? I ask because I have observed how often SJ's will allow themselves to be sabotaged in relationships due to their great (and sometimes blind) loyalty.

It depends on the level of betrayal. At worst, I sever ties. At best, I pretend to forgive them, and we go about our business and stay on speaking terms when necessary. Either way, generally unpleasant for both parties, and generally awkward for me.

 

[Lori]

Yes, I am definately like that. I choose my friends very carefully and believe there is only a few people in this world you can truely call your friends. I am very loyal to those chosen people and would do anything for them. When I someone has betrayed me, it is very difficult for me to regain their trust. This is true of friends and also family members. I no longer speak to my mother because she lost my trust by betraying me, this is how seriously I take it. When someone betrays me I feel deeply hurt and probaly will just withdraw from that person and may never fully explain why. Because I feel actions speak louder than words.

 

[Take Five]

Listen to some, trust a couple.