• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[SJ] How to make a SJ stop nagging?

ColonelGadaafi

New member
Joined
Oct 10, 2008
Messages
773
MBTI Type
ESTJ
Enneagram
Si
Is their any effective method of having them shutting up? about the trivial things they consider important?.
 

Habba

New member
Joined
Jul 22, 2008
Messages
988
MBTI Type
ISTJ
Enneagram
1w9
Do what they say. :)

Got any examples?


EDIT: I nag to my friends only when any of the following criteria is met:

- They are late and have no good reason to be.
- They lie
- They act on impulse and ruin everything
- They act aggressively (including mentally) towards me.
- They fail to keep a promise.
 

JocktheMotie

Habitual Fi LineStepper
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
8,491
What's the context of your relationship? Friend, significant other, coworker, parent?
 

PeaceBaby

reborn
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
5,950
MBTI Type
N/A
Enneagram
N/A
Wow, I would say not completely. I have found to be most effective an acknowlegement of the "issue" followed by a promise to think about solutions to it.

For example:

SJ: How come no one puts stuff away? Why am I the only person who does anything around here?

Me: I hear what you are saying - that's frustrating. Let's think about how we can fix this.

I think an SJ just needs reassurance that someone cares (or wants to understand) about what bothers them and make an effort to try to facilitate a fix.

Hope that helps!
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
14,037
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
496
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Not sure how you can control the behavior of another person without expending more than is reasonable from yourself. The easiest path that you have the most control over is your reaction. Can you think of the nagging as simply what they do in the same way a bird chirps or dogs bark? There are reasons based on their experience and temperament that this nagging is what comes naturally to them. When you view it like that it doesn't seem as personal. There might be strategies to minimize it somewhat depending on the relationship, but acceptance without internalizing it is probably the simplest possible strategy.
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
5,290
MBTI Type
INfp
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Is their any effective method of having them shutting up? about the trivial things they consider important?.

Yup. Do what they want you to do when they want you to do it.
 

Habba

New member
Joined
Jul 22, 2008
Messages
988
MBTI Type
ISTJ
Enneagram
1w9
Assuming OP is an ESFP, these are the things that would generally be bugging me:

- Inability to make long-term plans. They always want to jump immediately into action, and plan while doing. I'd like to plan things before I do anything, so that everything can be done as efficiently as possible, and to make sure that nothing goes wrong.

Example: My friend (ISFJ) and her friend (ESFP) decided that they wanted to traveling to central Europe. They found a cheap and nice place to visit, but couldn't agree on schedule. ESFP wanted to leave the next weekend (that's way too fast for any IS_J!!), but my friend (ISFJ) wanted to wait until spring break. ESFP couldn't wait so long, so they got into an argument and decided not to go at all.

- Their lack of commitment. They are best friends with anyone who's with them right now, right here. Usually this means that they come and go as they please, and tend to forget about promises they have made.. or don't take promises as seriously as we SJs do. "See ya later" really means that we should see each others sometime later, at least to me.
 

proteanmix

Plumage and Moult
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
5,514
Enneagram
1w2
Wow guys this is really simplistic. What do you consider "trivial" things? My mother is constantly after my brother to pick up his shoes from the hallway especially after she tripped over them in the dark and fell down the stairs.

I think you need to first figure out if what they consider trivial is really trivial.
 

FDG

pathwise dependent
Joined
Aug 13, 2007
Messages
5,903
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
7w8
Physical fights? Long distressing arguments, where the more the argument lasts, the more stubborn you become about having the last word? Destroy them with nonlinear logical arguments? It also depends on what your objective is. It's easy to make them stop nagging when you also want to completely break any relationship with them, harder if you still want them around.
The worst you could do, is to do what they say. It creates a positive feedback cycle where they might feel like the nagging is actually justified.

With my two ISxj parents, well, I've got a good relationship with them; but when I feel that they are nagging me too much, I simply get extremely angry at them and argue back never shutting up until they acnkowledge I am right; if it was necessary, I would not hesitate to start a physical fight. I mean, it's conceputally rather easy. Luckily, it has only happened 3 times in my life so far.

Of course, if they're nagging you because you live with them but say, leave clothes everywhere, then they're right. First you have to make sure that they can't be right from any possible logical angle.
 

BlackCat

Shaman
Joined
Nov 19, 2008
Messages
7,038
MBTI Type
ESFP
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I hang out/talk with a lot of ISTJs. I realize that mostly the "nag" you get, while annoying, is their way of expressing a fear that they have toward something. So I usually get to the bottom of this fear and solve the reason why it is bothering them, if that makes sense. Sometimes I will ask literally "what are you afraid of?" like if they keep being about a bunch of little things that add up into a fear of one thing happening.

EDIT: I'd like to add that they actually nag because they appear to be afraid of failure (when it is something they want help with), and they want your help. It also seems that if it's something they just want you to do (like a chore) then it's because they don't have a "do it later" attitude.
 

King sns

New member
Joined
Nov 4, 2008
Messages
6,714
MBTI Type
enfp
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
The best thing that works with me is a very direct and concrete approach.

"I don't want to talk about this. It is obviously very important to you but it is not a priority for me at all. I need to move on to other things. End of story."


(depends on the situation and relatiionship with the person, but this is a general approach that usually works for me.)
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
50,187
MBTI Type
BELF
Enneagram
594
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
The best thing that works with me is a very direct and concrete approach. "I don't want to talk about this. It is obviously very important to you but it is not a priority for me at all. I need to move on to other things. End of story." (depends on the situation and relatiionship with the person, but this is a general approach that usually works for me.)

Ouch.
Good luck with that.

Wow, I would say not completely. I have found to be most effective an acknowlegement of the "issue" followed by a promise to think about solutions to it. For example:

SJ: How come no one puts stuff away? Why am I the only person who does anything around here?
Me: I hear what you are saying - that's frustrating. Let's think about how we can fix this.
I think an SJ just needs reassurance that someone cares (or wants to understand) about what bothers them and make an effort to try to facilitate a fix.

Yup.

With J's and then SJ's in particular, it seems to help to show them you understand what their issue is, then (if you have a relationship with them and don't really HAVE the option to blow them off without paying for it later) set a time to revisit it if you need time to think of some solutions. Usually they get more agitated as time goes by if there is no apparent closure that is set to occur, so the compromise is to buy time but offer a "next step" or discussion time about it.

Sometimes eventually it does get to a point of one person wanting things one way and the other wanting something else, and I guess then one might have to hold their ground... but even just giving reassurance (like above) when a more dutiful person is griping about feeling like the load is on them all the time is enough to smooth things out.
 

FDG

pathwise dependent
Joined
Aug 13, 2007
Messages
5,903
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
7w8
That's what I was thinking. If I said that to my ESTJ step mom I'd get eaten alive.

Usually, with me and ESTJs, it gets to physical fights.
 

King sns

New member
Joined
Nov 4, 2008
Messages
6,714
MBTI Type
enfp
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
actually, it works.
my mother, (esfj)
2 supervisors (estjs)
friends, (istjs, isfjs)
all back down after this approach. It seems scary but I don't really care, if people piss me off then they're going to get responses like that. I just always remember that nagging is rude and inappropriate and unacceptable. They don't put up with my shit, I don't put up with theirs.
 

FDG

pathwise dependent
Joined
Aug 13, 2007
Messages
5,903
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
7w8
actually, it works.
my mother, (esfj)
2 supervisors (estjs)
friends, (istjs, isfjs)
all back down after this approach. It seems scary but I don't really care, if people piss me off then they're going to get responses like that. I just always remember that nagging is rude and inappropriate and unacceptable. They don't put up with my shit, I don't put up with theirs.

+1000000
 

Shaula

Te > Fi > Ni
Joined
Nov 27, 2008
Messages
608
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
4w5
Wow, I would say not completely. I have found to be most effective an acknowlegement of the "issue" followed by a promise to think about solutions to it.

For example:

SJ: How come no one puts stuff away? Why am I the only person who does anything around here?

Me: I hear what you are saying - that's frustrating. Let's think about how we can fix this.

I think an SJ just needs reassurance that someone cares (or wants to understand) about what bothers them and make an effort to try to facilitate a fix.

Hope that helps!
This approach works best for me and causes the least damage for both parties.
 

Cimarron

IRL is not real
Joined
Aug 21, 2008
Messages
3,417
MBTI Type
ISTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
I wish I could help you, but I can't think of any plan of action.

What are you okay with? Do you want to try persuading the SJ, or winning a verbal fight, or trying to compromise, or what?

I'm always at a loss when people ask this question around here. The only obvious solution involves someone losing their pride, and most people would rather not do that, especially repeatedly. Is there any comfortable way to handle this?

The truth is that most people can be reasoned with, so if you each sit down and explain yourselves to each other, and try to find a solution, it can usually work, even if not a great one. Do we really think we are the only reasonable people around?

But sometimes, people just aren't easy to deal with, and stubbornness runs strong in SJs. So I wonder what we can all do.
 

Atomic Fiend

New member
Joined
Nov 16, 2007
Messages
7,275
You can't. As long as they care about you, or you're even a part of they're life they will nag.

This is a good thing.
 

King sns

New member
Joined
Nov 4, 2008
Messages
6,714
MBTI Type
enfp
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I wish I could help you, but I can't think of any plan of action.

What are you okay with? Do you want to try persuading the SJ, or winning a verbal fight, or trying to compromise, or what?
I'm always at a loss when people ask this question around here. The only obvious solution involves someone losing their pride, and most people would rather not do that, especially repeatedly. Is there any comfortable way to handle this?

The truth is that most people can be reasoned with, so if you each sit down and explain yourselves to each other, and try to find a solution, it can usually work, even if not a great one. Do we really think we are the only reasonable people around?

But sometimes, people just aren't easy to deal with, and stubbornness runs strong in SJs. So I wonder what we can all do.

Yea, that's the key.
. It really depends. (My answer assumes empty, constant, nagging) but if the argument has merit, then I would answer differently.
 
Top