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  1. #41
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    my daughter, an ESFJ, nags CONSTANTLY and has been the worst bossy boots ever since she learned to talk. Ever since she learned to talk, I've told her about sixty times a day to mind her own business and stop bossing people around and quit interfearing and stop nagging, but all it's done is just make it worse. When she's not at home, me and the other kid just chill, but as soon as she comes back she's straight in with the nagging, the lectures, the bossing about, and you have two options, with the following outcomes:

    1. Do as she says. And she then finds something else to make you do, and you have to do that too, and so on, until all your time is spent pandering to her.
    2. Don't do as she says, and she goes on about it relentlessly and/or starts crying, and your day will now be consumed by dealing with her drama queening. The other option is that she'll store it up to fling at you later on when she's having a drama fit over something else and wants to reel off a list of things you did that upset her.

    I have yet to find a way, and believe me, I've really been through a long list of conceivable ways, of explaining to her that the world will not collapse if she stops trying to control it for an hour. She is just not able to chill. At all. And thinks EVERYTHING, the success of anything, however trivial, and everyone's happiness, is her responsibility. And, through this attitude, renders most success and happiness in those around her, very difficult to achieve.

    I'm as keen as the guy in the OP to find out if there is any way at all of dealing with this, cos she's now 11 and it's bloody unbearable. It's like having a Victorian governess giving moral lectures in your ear all the time, except the times when it's like living in a soap opera level of drama because, apparently, your failure to put the towel ABSOLUTELY straight on the rack is a symptom, example and cause of EVERYTHING in her life being wrong, of her being ABJECTLY unhappy, and spending the next hour in tears. And it's ALL YOUR FAULT.

    Help, I'm turning into a 70's sitcom character!!!
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

    "When it all comes down to dust
    I will kill you if I must
    I will help you if I can" - Leonard Cohen

  2. #42
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    I was thinking "Wow that's a mess" until I saw that she was 11. Tell her she has nothing to worry about. Ask her why she does it. Just plain ask why she always nags about something. She is still developing keep in mind. If she has a temper tantrum over it then ask her why she's angry.

    Eventually the wave of why's will make her go bonkers, and she will have to change her ways in how she deals with you. This is how I dealt with my ESTJ step mom who was exactly like this, I imagine it will work on an ESFJ.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  3. #43
    Senior Member Shadow's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    my daughter, an ESFJ, nags CONSTANTLY and has been the worst bossy boots ever since she learned to talk. Ever since she learned to talk, I've told her about sixty times a day to mind her own business and stop bossing people around and quit interfearing and stop nagging, but all it's done is just make it worse. When she's not at home, me and the other kid just chill, but as soon as she comes back she's straight in with the nagging, the lectures, the bossing about, and you have two options, with the following outcomes:

    1. Do as she says. And she then finds something else to make you do, and you have to do that too, and so on, until all your time is spent pandering to her.
    2. Don't do as she says, and she goes on about it relentlessly and/or starts crying, and your day will now be consumed by dealing with her drama queening. The other option is that she'll store it up to fling at you later on when she's having a drama fit over something else and wants to reel off a list of things you did that upset her.

    I have yet to find a way, and believe me, I've really been through a long list of conceivable ways, of explaining to her that the world will not collapse if she stops trying to control it for an hour. She is just not able to chill. At all. And thinks EVERYTHING, the success of anything, however trivial, and everyone's happiness, is her responsibility. And, through this attitude, renders most success and happiness in those around her, very difficult to achieve.

    I'm as keen as the guy in the OP to find out if there is any way at all of dealing with this, cos she's now 11 and it's bloody unbearable. It's like having a Victorian governess giving moral lectures in your ear all the time, except the times when it's like living in a soap opera level of drama because, apparently, your failure to put the towel ABSOLUTELY straight on the rack is a symptom, example and cause of EVERYTHING in her life being wrong, of her being ABJECTLY unhappy, and spending the next hour in tears. And it's ALL YOUR FAULT.

    Help, I'm turning into a 70's sitcom character!!!
    Hmm, good luck with that. Much as it pains me, I can freely admit to being quite a lot like your daughter at that age. (It gets better from the age of 15/16 because more freedom means more control of your own life. I'm not sure that as an SJ your sense of knowing what's best for yourself ever goes away entirely...)

    Probably the key piece of advice: Make it clear that since you're the parent, you're the boss.

    She won't like it. But if she's really SJ she'll give in to you, because she'll respect your role and appreciate the fact you're being the 'mother'. If it's an 'anything goes' household, that's possibly why she's frustrated, because she'll feel that if no-one else is laying down any ground rules it must be up to her.
    Believe me, it'll get easier when she becomes an adult and can appreciate you more as a person rather than just seeing you in the 'parent' role. I think this is part of the problem. As a younger SJ you do see people in their roles, like parents, teachers etc., and you kind of expect them to fulfil these roles or you can't understand. As you get older you develop your F and P functions, so you can understand why people might have different attitudes towards things.
    I have to point out that my relationship with my parents is pretty good right now, but I'm in contact with them a lot less frequently than most of my friends are with theirs Oh well.

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    I was thinking "Wow that's a mess" until I saw that she was 11. Tell her she has nothing to worry about. Ask her why she does it. Just plain ask why she always nags about something. She is still developing keep in mind. If she has a temper tantrum over it then ask her why she's angry.

    Eventually the wave of why's will make her go bonkers, and she will have to change her ways in how she deals with you. This is how I dealt with my ESTJ step mom who was exactly like this, I imagine it will work on an ESFJ.
    Yes that's important too. Get to the bottom of it. If you ask why something's so important to her she'll have to think about it and might realise that, actually, it's not important. I imagine that since she's an SFJ rather than an STJ this may be more crucial for her than it was for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    Oh, I didn't realize you were talking about my quote when you said you agreed with the two of them. Whaddaya know, the intuitive failed at sensing. :rolli: I get it now. But yeah, what I said is pretty much the best way to deal with any SJ in your life imo, it's worked for me every time. The only problems I've had were with dealing with ESTJs, they seemed to have this over ego problem where they wouldn't admit they were afraid of anything (I didn't ask them literally, they just acted like they had no weakness) and what resulted from that was me being torn to pieces (not literally).
    Yeah I have an ESTJ friend (flatmate actually) and I really admire her amazing strength and apparent brilliance in all respects. But it came as a shock when this year she started talking about how she felt she wasn't good enough and was clearly a loser. I never realised she felt this way, ever. I used to hold her up as an example of someone who had it all and knew it.
    Last edited by MacGuffin; 03-03-2009 at 06:11 PM. Reason: Merging 3 post(s)

  4. #44
    Perfect Gentleman! =D d@v3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Little Linguist View Post
    Awww c'mon you know you luv us ENFPs That's the *real* reason why you nag us so much. It's your way of showing affection, just like we use pillow fights and poke you with pencils
    I don't show affection. Don't know how. Havn't we been through this already? Must have been with the OTHER xNFP's!

    *snaps your pencil in half*

  5. #45
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow View Post
    Yeah I have an ESTJ friend (flatmate actually) and I really admire her amazing strength and apparent brilliance in all respects. But it came as a shock when this year she started talking about how she felt she wasn't good enough and was clearly a loser. I never realised she felt this way, ever. I used to hold her up as an example of someone who had it all and knew it.
    I will simply never understand ESTJs, and I'm pretty sure they will never understand me lol.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  6. #46
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    Yeah well I know some things about my daughter:

    1. She's good-natured and means no harm, and really, sincerely wants to help and thinks she is helping.
    2. She's not rebellious by nature, in fact I've seldom known anyone more square. So she's not doing it to defy me or anything.
    3. She's done this since she was 3, and it's just got worse and worse as she's got older
    4. She is 100% aware that I am the PARENT and in charge. Thing is, cos there's only one of me, she thinks she's the mom in the house, I think... that's largely behind it, IMO, but knowing this doesn't give me the faintest idea how to go about dealing with it
    5. My ESFJ mom is not like that at all. Okay so she nags my step dad a bit, we joke about him being hen-pecked and stuff, but it's only mild and in fun and she was totally laissez-faire with us when we were growing up. She totally lets people make their own decisions. So it's not necessarily an ESFJ thing.
    6. ESFJ's need to feel useful and needed. I know everyone does a bit, but they really really do. But I don't know how to go about making her feel useful without giving her chores to be responsible for, which seems to me more like a punishment.

    I prolly could do with giving her more hugs though, yeah. That's a bit of a problem I have, the whole physical contact affection type thing.

    I have a theory that if I could just make her feel needed, like she had things she could do to be useful and helpful and "essential" in the family, she might stop the nagging. But I dunno how to do that.
    Ils se d�merdent, les mecs: trop bon, trop con..................................MY BLOG!

    "When it all comes down to dust
    I will kill you if I must
    I will help you if I can" - Leonard Cohen

  7. #47
    Minister of Propagandhi ajblaise's Avatar
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    To get SJs to stop nagging I find it important to put things in a larger perspective for them.

    I toss a hand grenade into the middle of the room, and instantly, their priorities get straightened out.

  8. #48
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    Nah, the SJ's are the ones who want to toss the grenade to straighten out everyone else!

    SJ's just need to be appreciated, like anyone else, and want their priorites to be respected - not obeyed, just respected. A bossy SJ needs to remember to respect other's boundaries from time to time.

  9. #49
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow View Post
    Probably the key piece of advice: Make it clear that since you're the parent, you're the boss.
    ^ pretty much@ Substitute.

    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    SJ's ....want their priorites to be respected - not obeyed, just respected.
    I dunno about that.

  10. #50
    Perfect Gentleman! =D d@v3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    Nah, the SJ's are the ones who want to toss the grenade to straighten out everyone else!

    SJ's just need to be appreciated, like anyone else, and want their priorites to be respected - not obeyed, just respected. A bossy SJ needs to remember to respect other's boundaries from time to time.
    PeaceBaby you know us too well......

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