[ISTJ] question to ISTJ males...what should I do about this guy?

[b4b]

here is my DILEMMA:

I'm falling for an ISTJ guy. I posted the description of him here:
http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/what-s-my-type/14263-please-help-me-type-guy-ixxj.html

the story is complicated. He lives far away, we just saw each other for the first time (after talking a little on the net) few weeks ago, right away there was a huge attraction between the two of us. He would kinda joke/flirt with me....he was hilarious...he gave me many compliments (some joking, some serious) and would say things like:
"i feel like i've known you forever" which I found to be very odd and maybe even fake...I mean, come on, we just met! there were 2 other girls hitting on him (i was trying not to), but he would ignore them.

anyway, we have been in daily email contact since.
I've known his best friend for a few years now, and this is what his best friend says about him:
he's got a girlfriend for 4 years now, it's a bad relationship, she's apparently cheating on him, very bitchy, they don't have anything in common, won't spend time together...not even on the weekends....they broke up a few times (he moved out) but came back 1-2 weeks later.
his friend says that the ISTJ really likes me a lot, and won't stop talking about me...however....mostly joking, example:
the friend is in a store with the ISTJ guy, the ISTJ guy picks some fancy high heels, his friend asks him: "do you want to buy them for your woman?" the ISTJ answers acting totally serious: "hmmm, do you think (mentions my name instead of his gf name) would like them?" (his friend starts laughing of course)
anyway, since we saw each other 3 weeks ago he writes me looooong emails, asking me questions about my life, giving some advice, he is being very sweet and nice, calling me very sweet names, giving lots of compliments and affection...but he never talks about his deep/true feelings which bothers me a lot....he would still joke whenever he flirts with me: example:
I'm telling him about a house I just saw and thinking about buying, he would ask how big the basement is? if there is enough space for him and his drums (adding that he won't mind if I take over the rest of the house, he is sure I will decorate it lovely) ....
I guess this is supposed to be a joke, because there's no relationship between the two of us. he writes me these type of things all the time: I usually answer joking as well, but he would never follow up on it or get serious. he keeps asking me why am I talking to him, telling me he can't keep up with me. I know he respects me for what I do for a living and stuff like that...

I really, really like him, and if it was up to me, i would want him here and now!

my question is....
is there any future for us? he is crazy about his career, work and looks like he is loyal to his gf despite the difficulties. I don't want to keep talking to a guy that is in a relationship, despite that his friend is really trying to get us two together, saying that his gf is bad for him, and I'm the best thing that ever happened to the ISTJ, saying that he will do anything to bring us two together (because he loves his ISTJ friend) and thinks I will be good for him.(i am surprised by his friend's actions though...but whatever)
Are all ISTJ guys so flirty but it doesn't mean much to them? do you think he really is serious about me? I don't know if I can trust 100% what his friend says...
Will the ISTJ ever consider breaking up with his gf, and try it with me? his friend (he really tells me a lot) says that he would already be with me if I was living closer...but the distance is too big (he is in europe where I'm originally from), however not so for me...I moved around everywhere, and I have the means to do it, I'm financially independent (he knows that), and I can support him, he doesn't need to work...I know he is aware of this and likes this about me, but would a ISTJ ever consider something like that? is there a hope for any relationship? or in order for anything to happen, I have to move to his city and do all the work?...will he ever make the first step and change something about his life first (break up with his gf)? I just read that ISTJ don't like change?

should I wait or just let him go?
this guy was the reason to start posting on here...I really care about him
I would appreciate any advice...thank you

 

[BlackCat]

First of all we can't know what HE will do. You will have to see how things play out, whether he breaks up with his girlfriend who is abusive or not. You don't want to make a rash decision like that without first knowing for sure that you will be with him. He does sound like he has feelings for you, he is probably going through a tough time with the decision process. I would say keep emailing him and keep in contact, and until you are ABSOLUTELY sure that everything would be smooth then don't do ANYTHING. I know love is very hard to come by for people, and that it can take us great distances. But you must have the voice of reason within you also about what is happening.

You need to have more patience and you need to see how things will play out. Otherwise if you will end up very far away from everything you know, and you may not even know whether the purpose of going there will be fulfilled.

ISTJs do indeed dislike changes, however if they see that something is bad for them then they will let go of it (eventually... keyword eventually).

Good luck to you, I know what it's like liking someone that is very far away.

 

[b4b]

thank you for your reply...I won't do anything until I'm absolutely sure that he will be there for me...I just wanted to know if i should keep in contact with him, if there is any future for us? I don't want to keep writing him and thinking about him (because I do it all the time, and it takes me away from work, and other important things in my life) I want to know what are the chances (based on his personality) that he will make the step...I'm currently reading about ISTJ, and just like you said they dislike change, and this is probably why he is still in the bad relationship he is...and he probably won't break up with her unless she breaks up with him.
I thought that maybe there's something I could do to make him chose one or the other (serious flirting with a taken guy is a no-no) or if I should let him go...or maybe he needs time?
should I still show him affection, flirt, or be just friends until he decides what to do? I don't want to scare him away or act like I'm not interested if I'm supposed to wait for him...what would ISTJ in similar situation want to hear or want me to do?

 

[Shadow]

here is my DILEMMA:

I'm falling for an ISTJ guy. I posted the description of him here:
http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/what-s-my-type/14263-please-help-me-type-guy-ixxj.html

the story is complicated. He lives far away, we just saw each other for the first time (after talking a little on the net) few weeks ago, right away there was a huge attraction between the two of us. He would kinda joke/flirt with me....he was hilarious...he gave me many compliments (some joking, some serious) and would say things like:
"i feel like i've known you forever" which I found to be very odd and maybe even fake...I mean, come on, we just met! there were 2 other girls hitting on him (i was trying not to), but he would ignore them.

anyway, we have been in daily email contact since.
I've known his best friend for a few years now, and this is what his best friend says about him:
he's got a girlfriend for 4 years now, it's a bad relationship, she's apparently cheating on him, very bitchy, they don't have anything in common, won't spend time together...not even on the weekends....they broke up a few times (he moved out) but came back 1-2 weeks later.
his friend says that the ISTJ really likes me a lot, and won't stop talking about me...however....mostly joking, example:
the friend is in a store with the ISTJ guy, the ISTJ guy picks some fancy high heels, his friend asks him: "do you want to buy them for your woman?" the ISTJ answers acting totally serious: "hmmm, do you think (mentions my name instead of his gf name) would like them?" (his friend starts laughing of course)
anyway, since we saw each other 3 weeks ago he writes me looooong emails, asking me questions about my life, giving some advice, he is being very sweet and nice, calling me very sweet names, giving lots of compliments and affection...but he never talks about his deep/true feelings which bothers me a lot....he would still joke whenever he flirts with me: example:
I'm telling him about a house I just saw and thinking about buying, he would ask how big the basement is? if there is enough space for him and his drums (adding that he won't mind if I take over the rest of the house, he is sure I will decorate it lovely) ....
I guess this is supposed to be a joke, because there's no relationship between the two of us. he writes me these type of things all the time: I usually answer joking as well, but he would never follow up on it or get serious. he keeps asking me why am I talking to him, telling me he can't keep up with me. I know he respects me for what I do for a living and stuff like that...
I really, really like him, and if it was up to me, i would want him here and now!

my question is....
is there any future for us? he is crazy about his career, work and looks like he is loyal to his gf despite the difficulties. I don't want to keep talking to a guy that is in a relationship, despite that his friend is really trying to get us two together, saying that his gf is bad for him, and I'm the best thing that ever happened to the ISTJ, saying that he will do anything to bring us two together (because he loves his ISTJ friend) and thinks I will be good for him.(i am surprised by his friend's actions though...but whatever)
Are all ISTJ guys so flirty but it doesn't mean much to them? do you think he really is serious about me? I don't know if I can trust 100% what his friend says...
Will the ISTJ ever consider breaking up with his gf, and try it with me? his friend (he really tells me a lot) says that he would already be with me if I was living closer...but the distance is too big (he is in europe where I'm originally from), however not so for me...I moved around everywhere, and I have the means to do it, I'm financially independent (he knows that), and I can support him, he doesn't need to work...I know he is aware of this and likes this about me, but would a ISTJ ever consider something like that? is there a hope for any relationship? or in order for anything to happen, I have to move to his city and do all the work?...will he ever make the first step and change something about his life first (break up with his gf)? I just read that ISTJ don't like change?

should I wait or just let him go?
this guy was the reason to start posting on here...I really care about him
I would appreciate any advice...thank you

I don't know what this ISTJ guy is playing at! He blatantly likes you and his 'relationship' sounds like it was past saving a looong time ago. The only thing I can imagine is he's scared of being single

I've highlighted the bits above that, to me, indicate that he is very seriously interested in you. If ISTJ guys are anything like ISTJ girls, I'd doubt he'd be this forward unless he actually wanted more.

You say he's in Europe, so I'm thinking you're quite far away! Not sure where you are, but you're referring to a whole continent, lol... Is there any likelihood that you'd move back? Or are you abroad for good? If you are, this is most likely the reason he's hesitant. For him to move abroad would be a major step, and possibly not one he's ready for (is the language different, for example, and would he be able to get a job there?)

The fact you're financially, and generally, independent is no doubt part of the reason for his respect and attraction towards you. But I'm not sure if he'd be willing to completely give up working... That sounds like a step too far for most men, I would imagine.

Regardless, he should dump his 'girlfriend'. Sounds like she's moved on already.
His friend sounds great and hopefully he'll help get you two together

 

[Cimarron]

This is complicated, I'm not sure what to tell you.

Confiding so much in his friend sounds like something I would do. The reason he spills everything to his friend, and tells you almost nothing about how he feels, but gives you compliments and takes time to stay in touch with you...plus the difficulty with leaving his current girlfriend, probably all means that he wants to make the decision on his own. And he's having a hard time sorting it all out, or at least what to do about all of it.

You say you're not sure whether you can believe his friend. Why is that?

"I feel like I've known you forever" would be a pretty strong statement, if I were to say it. I'd say it to someone who just had something all my other relationships, and maybe even friendships, were all missing. Unless he meant it in a flirting way, and it wasn't meant as seriously, but maybe with still the same intention (just not as strong).

The not expressing his emotions much doesn't mean he doesn't like you, that may always be there. Strong emotions are confusing. Probably everyone can relate to that a little bit. But he is spending time with you and giving you advice, and that's how he's trying to "bond" with you.

Oh, and because you said you haven't known him very long, that's probably one reason he hasn't made much of any decision yet. This is especially the case because he's in a current relationship already, so to change it for someone he just met, as opposed to staying with someone (his girlfriend) that he's known for a while, will take more time to get used to his world changing.

*That's what they mean when they say ISTJs are cautious in new situations. The balance in his life shifted quickly, and it's a little too soon to trust the ground to stay solid under his feet.

Even though you are financially independent, if he's been working for a long time at a job he really likes, it may still be hard for him to throw that away and trust that everything will be fine. It would remove a major foundation of his life, like the pulling the rug out from under his feet. If you were to ever get together, he might eventually leave his job anyway, if you two were feeling secure, but probably not at the start of a relationship.

Would it be worth it to stick with it, or should you just move on? Sorry, I can't possibly answer that for you. Good luck, though.

 

[Giggly]

Sounds to me like he's waiting for you to invite him to move in with you and be with you.

I should also add that he seems like the passive type and will probably always be passive ... with everything.

You seem a bit annoyed by this already and should probably give it more serious thought to determine if you can tolerate this before you move in together.

 

[Habba]

Tip: ISTJs are real suckers for a good grammar.

I think he sounds very extroverted, or maybe he's displaying the shadow of ISTJ personality... the negative ENFP. That would explain the flirting...

Maybe he's not trying to move into your life, but rather away from his life. But he's being very flirty alright. We ISTJs tend to joke when facing emotions too strong to handle otherwise.

 

[Gamine]

b4b... How to start this.. I am neither male nor ISTJ, but I have friends who meet both requirements. You sound really cool, and I don't want to scare you away from this site or the the interesting topics and people discussing them here, but I think you deserve and want an honest answer.

We may all be here giving ourselves titles and labels to help us understand and consider our identities, but at the end of the day that is all they are, four shorthand letters for a list of 8 terms. You are your own identity, your own experiences, your own choices and your own dreams without them.

This is a guy who, however charming and sweet, is leading you on. When things are important enough to people, they make the effort to get it. This includes love interests. Not to say you are not important, but he knows that he can continue this detached behaviour with you because you will let it continue, and he does not have to make an effort. If you truly want to be with him and have a fair chance at starting something healthy together, your best bet could be telling him that exactly.

If he is scared and looking for an alternative, you will find out. If he has just been escaping to you to alleviate his issues and has no intention of anything serious, you will find out. If if if... you will find out. MBTI tells us nothing about a person's integrity or respect for others.

 

[d@v3]

He sounds really extroverted, not really like an ISTJ although you did say he follows a schedule and what not. He is already in a "relationship" and it sounds like his loyalty is hindering him. Until he comes to his senses and see that, I doubt you will get anywhere. I guess just continue to be his friend but there is no telling how long you will have to wait.

If it were ME this is what I would like: Be blunt about your feelings toward him. Make sure he knows your interested. Don't try to "lure" him away from his current girlfriend as he will see right through you if you do, and he probably won't like it.

Not sure what else to say, if I think of something I will post again.

 

[Habba]

I wonder what would happen if you'd ask him about his girlfriend and their relationship...

 

[d@v3]

I wonder what would happen if you'd ask him about his girlfriend and their relationship...

Just be careful of how you would go about doing this. You have to be blunt, but soft spoken, and don't try to pry info out of him, as we will most likely close up if you do.

 

[Cimarron]

So b4b, it looks like we've got a variety of different views posted here. I guess I'll mention that my response was assuming that the guy has good intentions, and that he is an ISTJ.

 

[b4b]

well, I think i've been dumped. he kept asking me why I'm writing him, so I finally told him what I think of him (all positives of course), and I've never heard back from him again (it's been the 3rd day now, before he would write me at least once a day!). I see him being 'online' all the time...so it must be me, or something I wrote/did.
I don't think I've ever been dumped before...but I guess there has to be the first time for everything ...doesn't feel nice though....heh
thank you all for all your input/advice...I was going to expand on it with questions and stuff..but now...oh well...it's pointless

 

[BlackCat]

That sucks b4b, it happens though. You will find someone else, they will be great for you.

 

[Habba]

I like quotes. I hope you like quotes too.

"Why do we fall sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves up." -Alfred, Batman Begins

"There's nothing wrong with falling down, so long as you end up just two inches taller when you pick yourself up off the floor. As you continue on your path...you will lose some friends and gain new ones. The process is painful, but often necessary. They will change, and you will change because life is change." -Sheridan, Babylon 5

 

[d@v3]

well, I think i've been dumped. he kept asking me why I'm writing him, so I finally told him what I think of him (all positives of course), and I've never heard back from him again (it's been the 3rd day now, before he would write me at least once a day!). I see him being 'online' all the time...so it must be me, or something I wrote/did.
I don't think I've ever been dumped before...but I guess there has to be the first time for everything ...doesn't feel nice though....heh
thank you all for all your input/advice...I was going to expand on it with questions and stuff..but now...oh well...it's pointless

If he's a true ISTJ, he will respond to you. It would be the polite thing to do in my opinion. You may have hit him with alot all at once so he is analyzing. Or you completely scared him off. (although I doubt that)

^Again, this is what I would do. As I don't like leaving "loose ends."

Unfortunately, your only chance now is to wait. Not sure how long he will take, or if he will at all, because with your description, he may not be an ISTJ after all?

 

[Shadow]

Oh no Possibly a lucky escape though.
You never said where you were? Maybe focus on getting to know people closer to where you are, and it'll be easier to get things off the ground in the first place.

Unfortunately, your only chance now is to wait. Not sure how long he will take, or if he will at all, because with your description, he may not be an ISTJ after all?

Seconded. He sounds too flaky to be a true, reliable ISTJ. I'd respond sooner than that, and if I couldn't bring myself to respond so quickly I'd go out of my way to avoid you knowing that I'd been on the internet since receiving your email...

 

[b4b]

so now the question is if he is even an ISTJ?
let's assume he is...I read that ISTJ focus on one flaw and move on...maybe that's what he did? I mean it took me usually an hour to respond to his loooong emails, why waste time....(i mean why should he waste the time to write me if he's over me?)

I'm in the process of moving on asap (low pain tolerance)...so even if he writes me in a few days, that's probably going to be it (unless he writes something that really moves me)...
I rarely open up and speak about my true feelings, I just did with him, and bam! no answer (damn, that hurts!)...
would that be an ISTJ thing to do? If so, I better stay away from them: I went from sad and hurt to angry...

I'm sorry I didn't mention it before...I'm in Northern Virginia, and he is in Germany (where I used to live for a few years).
I know many people in my area...and I'm being asked out very often, but I'm just not into the whole "going out on a date and see how it goes" thing...I always decline....he was the second guy (as far as I remember) that I was actually interested in. I moved across the ocean (here) for the first guy (things didn't work out, and for some reason I'm still here), so the distance was never such a big deal for me. as far as my work goes: internet is all I need...and he (the ISTJ) is aware of it.

Habba, thanks for the quote...I like it a lot
and I meant to say: sorry my grammar isn't the best, but I keep trying...haven't been here long enough

 

[Giggly]

Oh, you like German guys huh, b4b? Well, you'd better stay away from entropie then. He's a nasty little sucker.

 

[b4b]

Oh, you like German guys huh, b4b? Well, you'd better stay away from entropie then. He's a nasty little sucker.

nahhh, haha, he just happen to be German, I wasn't looking!