[ISTJ] How to Escape Female ISTJ

[Costrin]

Being friends with someone who I'm romantically interested would tear me apart. And it has.

I had this ex-girlfriend, with whom we shared a lots of common interests and activities. First I thought it would be really cool to have someone like that as a friend. But after couple of months, it was really tearing me in parts. It's like being on a strict-diet and living in a house made of chocolate and candy.

I guess it's the Si function at work here.

Thirding this.

 

[Siegfried]

Uh, forget to add:

I managed to hang by as a friend for a year or so... we didn't see too often, but we chatted and facebooked each others every now and then. But I was near to lose my mind when she changed her relation status on Facebook to "in relationship". The Facebook-drama!

I cut all the contacts to her, and removed everything that reminded me of her. I've been happier ever since. More of this in the topic "IS_Js and the past". Find yourselves there, I can't bother to make a link.

How did she react though? What did she think of you afterwards?

 

[d@v3]

I'd find it difficult aswell, since you can't just end your feelings like that, if people can manage it thats great, but being close to the person for me would tear me apart.

Yes, that ENFP I was chasing: After she turned me down she said "I really enjoy talking to you I hope we can still be friends".... YEAH RIGHT!

I know it sounds mean but, it's just too hard. Too distracting. If I were to focus on her in "hopes" that we might some day get together. I may be missing opportunities with other girls. Just being with her and talking to her could imply to a girl that is interested in me that I am already taken. Does that make sense?

 

[Amargith]

The thing is we're open to a connection with people and we decide along the way, the more info we get on the person, where this person is going to fit in to our lives. We don't like judging a person before we really know them. Thats why to me the 'friendship/flirting' process is a way to determine if they're dating-material or not. Again, as Tiny said, if we decide against it, it doesn't mean we don't like you, but it means that something's missing from the connection in order to date. But they can still make awesome friends.

I'd like to bounce the ball back and ask how in the hell you guys decide so quickly that you wanna date someone. Aren't we supposed to be the impulsive ones and aren't you guys supposed to weigh your decisions before making them??? Maybe it's coz you observe first before you make contact...I dunno. Just realize we're not the same. We like connecting to people and there are very many different types of connections, from acquaintances to friends ,to dear friends to lovers and the love of your life..And many more inbetween that don't really have a name. And as a friend you go through all those stages and usually only 1 guy in the end makes it to love of your life.

I didn't date a single guy I didn't first befriend. At least you know what you're getting yourself into then.

 

[Habba]

How did she react though? What did she think of you afterwards?

Well, I felt we became rather distant suddenly. She was an INFJ, so she tended to be unavailable a lot, and practically we only had conversations when she initiated them. I got "He's nice, but I don't really want to spend my time with him" vibes off her.

 

[Siegfried]

Well, I felt we became rather distant suddenly. She was an INFJ, so she tended to be unavailable a lot, and practically we only had conversations when she initiated them. I got "He's nice, but I don't really want to spend my time with him" vibes off her.

Not everything works out, I hope things are good for you next time. Hmm, I've known someone for a year and a half, I wasn't quick to decide if I wanted to date her, lol. Admittedly there were very huge gaps in this. It just feels to me, it might be easier for both, to let it be.

 

[d@v3]

The thing is we're open to a connection with people and we decide along the way, the more info we get on the person, where this person is going to fit in to our lives. We don't like judging a person before we really know them. Thats why to me the 'friendship/flirting' process is a way to determine if they're dating-material or not. Again, as Tiny said, if we decide against it, it doesn't mean we don't like you, but it means that something's missing from the connection in order to date. But they can still make awesome friends.

I'd like to bounce the ball back and ask how in the hell you guys decide so quickly that you wanna date someone. Aren't we supposed to be the impulsive ones and aren't you guys supposed to weigh your decisions before making them??? Maybe it's coz you observe first before you make contact...I dunno. Just realize we're not the same. We like connecting to people and there are very many different types of connections, from acquaintances to friends ,to dear friends to lovers and the love of your life..And many more inbetween that don't really have a name. And as a friend you go through all those stages and usually only 1 guy in the end makes it to love of your life.

I didn't date a single guy I didn't first befriend. At least you know what you're getting yourself into then.

We observe from afar. In fact, so far that you ENFP's are oblivious that you are being watched. We could spend Days/ or even weeks doing this. We see how you react with other people. If you are friendly and nice to people. Surely you will be friendly and nice with us too! We perform subtle actions to let you know that we are interested. After a week or two of talking and being friendly, then we ask you out on a date.

What is wrong with the above scenario?!

My question to you ENFP's is what does it mean to be "too nice"? Because apprently if your "too nice" you will come off as a friend? WHY?

 

[Habba]

I'd like to bounce the ball back and ask how in the hell you guys decide so quickly that you wanna date someone. Aren't we supposed to be the impulsive ones and aren't you guys supposed to weigh your decisions before making them???

It's the primary perceptive function we have, Introverted Sensing. We collect HUGE amount of data about everything we see, hear, sense, smell and taste. We already know (or at least we think we do. ) everything needed before we make decisions. And once we make them, they are rather final. Before I event talk to a person, I get strong vibes whether she's a friend-material or dating material. So, from the beginning we see those as separate things, and we don't mix them very well. You are either this, or that, but you can't be both!

Anyways, thanks for clarifying this ENFP-side of the process. It really made me understand you weirdos more.

 

[Shaula]

We observe from afar. In fact, so far that you ENFP's are oblivious that you are being watched. We could spend Days/ or even weeks doing this.

So then... ISTJs are stalkers!

 

[Amargith]

We observe from afar. In fact, so far that you ENFP's are oblivious that you are being watched. We could spend Days/ or even weeks doing this. We see how you react with other people. If you are friendly and nice to people. Surely you will be friendly and nice with us too! We perform subtle actions to let you know that we are interested. After a week or two of talking and being friendly, then we ask you out on a date.

What is wrong with the above scenario?!

My question to you ENFP's is what does it mean to be "too nice"? Because apprently if your "too nice" you will come off as a friend? WHY?

Never had a problem with that, but maybe that's a cultural thing. Sometimes it is true, that you just see a guy as a friend, coz frankly..the chemistry just aint there. Also happened for me, that the chemistry was there and he was a great guy..but something was off. As much as I wouldn't mind sleeping with him, I didn't see a future with him (differences on values, basic incompatibility etc). And with my current boyfriend, I at first didn't have chemistry the first moment I met him, till he started talking...I fell head over heels.

Your scenario puts us at a disadvantage... you guys are already way ahead of us, as you've been observing. The moment you actually make 'contact' is the moment we start our deliberation process..and then I'm sorry, you'll just have to be patient while we collect data

Edit: Habba, also realize that we're sensotards most of the time (at least I am). I'm oblivious that people stare at me, unless I have reason to notice and then I can see it even if they're trying to hide it. But I rarely have a reason to do so. People are gonna stare at me anyways, coz I'm an oddball..why waste energy on noticing such trivial things?

 

[Habba]

and then I'm sorry, you'll just have to be patient while we collect data

And for the sake of ISTJs' mental health, please be quick about it.

 

[d@v3]

And for the sake of ISTJs' mental health, please be quick about it.

YES! How long does that take?! It's ruthless torture for us ISTJ's!

 

[Amargith]

And for the sake of ISTJs' mental health, please be quick about it.

That means cranking up the intensity, and you guys really really don't react well to that either, so it's up to you what you prefer

Edit: dave, seriously... you guys get how long to observe and make up your mind? Can you blame us for wanting the same amount of time to get to know you a bit before we decide on such an important thing?

 

[Siegfried]

Edit: Habba, also realize that we're sensotards most of the time (at least I am). I'm oblivious that people stare at me, unless I have reason to notice and then I can see it even if they're trying to hide it. But I rarely have a reason to do so. People are gonna stare at me anyways, coz I'm an oddball..why waste energy on noticing such trivial things?


Never had a problem with that, but maybe that's a cultural thing. Sometimes it is true, that you just see a guy as a friend, coz frankly..the chemistry just aint there. Also happened for me, that the chemistry was there and he was a great guy..but something was off. As much as I wouldn't mind sleeping with him, I didn't see a future with him (differences on values, basic incompatibility etc). And with my current boyfriend, I at first didn't have chemistry the first moment I met him, till he started talking...I fell head over heels.

Your scenario puts us at a disatvantage... you guys are already way ahead of us, as you've been observing. The moment you actually make 'contact' is the moment we start our deliberation process..and then I'm sorry, you'll just have to be patient while we collect data

I didn't collect data. I went on a hunch whether that is good or bad. I still think it is right, darn Ni

 

[d@v3]

That means cranking up the intensity, and you guys really really don't react well to that either, so it's up to you what you prefer

What?

 

[Amargith]

What?

It means probing you pretty deeply in a short amount of time, creating a very tight bond, very intense. Again, this is how I do it..not sure about other ENFP's. It has as a side-effect that it can make you pretty intoxicated though...

 

[d@v3]

I wouldn't mind being probed by an ENFP! But the ENFP I was chasing didn't probe me at all. [Maybe she was an INFP?! ]She just wrote me off without giving me a chance. I had to do all that work finding things out about her too! And it was all a waste of time!

 

[Amargith]

I wouldn't mind being probed by an ENFP! But the ENFP I was chasing didn't probe me at all. [Maybe she was an INFP?! ]She just wrote me off without giving me a chance. I had to do all that work finding things out about her too! And it was all a waste of time!

How do you know she didn't probe you? If she didn't do it intensely, she probably just let it happen naturally. Also, as I recall, she wasn't really open to a new relationship (assuming she told the truth). It would take a pretty powerful connection she couldn't ignore to override that.

 

[d@v3]

Yes but what exactly does "open to a relationship" mean? Is there a door I don't know about? Is it locked? Perhaps I should be working on my lockpicking skills?

 

[Habba]

How do you know she didn't probe you? If she didn't do it intensely, she probably just let it happen naturally. Also, as I recall, she wasn't really open to a new relationship (assuming she told the truth). It would take a pretty powerful connection she couldn't ignore to override that.

I think she wasn't interested enough to make a probing. She never initiated a txting conversation, but she always kept them up. I think that she just welcomed a friendly chatting partner, but wasn't interested to probe for more. A good guess?