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  1. #1
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    Default ESFJ - INFP friendship break advice please

    I have this friend who I just adore...most of the time. But like all friends, we have our differences and well...we're not at all that great at communicating our feelings when we're angry or annoyed with each other...especially since the cold war we had last quarter...well actually, she was the one being frosty and I was just confused and hurt with her behavior towards me. In the end I confronted her about it and her reaction wasn't and isn't something I'm used too (My family consists of ENTJs, INTJs, ENTPs who are all pretty blunt when they're angry)...her face just contorted in a combination of anger and annoyance...ands she basically said that she wasn't angry with me and that it was something she wanted to resolve herself...but I just didn't believe it! I was the only person she was being cold to. She was treating everyone else normally...just not me. All I remember was that I ended up crying and eventually, she sullenly began to talk to me again...and well things resumed like normal for a time. But now...
    <<this is from an older post of mine


    So my ESFJ friend (or perhaps ex-friend) and I haven't spoken in weeks. We've had a history of communication problems starting with last year (I've made a post about this a while ago) and now things are worse than ever.

    Every time I try talking to her, she completely shuts me down with one-worded answers, shrugs, or outright silence.

    And just now I think I may have exacerbated the situation by trying to confront her head on about how awkward things have become between us. I wasn't mean or cruel or anything. If anything I was just as direct as I could be...and that's something very hard for me to do. I guess my presentation could have been better...the more I tried to explain to her, the more awkward and nervous I got...and the more she seemed increasingly annoyed. She threw a lot of long looks at me, sighed, and when she did answer...she said she really didn't know what to say to all this...and then we had this god awful small talk conversation which she ended my claiming that she wanted to go to sleep...and she's not. She's downstairs downstairs watching television with our other friend.

    I feel like I just don't understand her at all anymore. I don't make friends easily and while dumping her as friend seems to have become an increasingly tempting option...most of our friends are mutual...plus when we were on good terms, I really felt like we had a connection. I miss that. And it pains me so much.

    I honestly feel like she hates me right now. I wish I could have been more confident...but f$^#...

    God...I'm such an unhappy, stressed out mess right now. I don't know what to do. please help!

  2. #2
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    I am terrible at communication too, and this is especially true during conflict. The only advice I can give you is to give her a day or two and then talk to her again about it. It's important to talk to her about it again and hopefully in a calm and in a non-confrontational way. I'm sure you'll get a resolution if you both can restrain your emotions enough and employ a bit of understanding.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Chris_in_Orbit's Avatar
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    Yeah, you need to try talking to her again. If she doesn't respond to it then get over it. You say you don't have a lot of friends so don't ruin the small set you have by having one that doesn't care about you. Focus your energy on something or someone else.

    I must say "good job!" for being assertive about it. I wish more people would come up to me when they had a problem with me.

  4. #4
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    Are you absolutely sure that she's an ESFJ?

    How did this all start? What exactly happened? I have a very close ESFJ friend, and I'd like to help as best I can, but I need some more details.

  5. #5
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    Is it girl-girl or lesbian situation?

  6. #6
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    Is it girl-girl or lesbian situation?
    It'd be helluva lot worse if it was.

    Are you absolutely sure that she's an ESFJ?

    How did this all start? What exactly happened? I have a very close ESFJ friend, and I'd like to help as best I can, but I need some more details.
    She took a couple of online tests (humanmetrics, similarminds) and got the same result. She's definitely an E (NEEDS people to care and be around in order to be happy). The F is pretty solid from what I can see as well (bases all her decisions on personal values and is sensitive to criticism). She does procrastinate but this might just be a college thing...she is very reliable and HATES it when people flake out on her..so J. I guess the only questionable bit would be the S...she hates it when people are weird or act inappropriately in a given situation but she waxes philosophical every now and then...so if she's not an ESFJ...then she's ENFJ.

    Hmmm...and as for explaining the history of this disaster...oh god...where to start...let me gather my thoughts together and respond in another post or maybe even a pm (this will take a while...)

    @ Chris-
    This is solid advice. It's what everyone else is saying as well...it's just really hard to do when we're living in the same apartment. Only a few months left on the lease and if things don't heal up between us (or even if they do)...I doubt I ever want to live with her again. I think we could have been better friends if we never lived together. And thanks! Although I was an awful mess trying to explain coherently what was bugging me. ...it made me feel a whole lot better than if I had just let these thoughts and feelings bottle up.

    @ Hmmm. Thanks for the empathy! Communication really is hard for me in conflict...especially with people I am close to and especially if they're F types as well. With T types, things are so much easier...I love people who don't get offended easily since my sense of humor is sarcastic and dark at times.

    But yes I will certainly talk to her again when I get the chance...or whenever she stops avoiding me and makes eye contact. Grr...

  7. #7
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    Okay. Yep, she does sound like my ESFJ friend.

  8. #8
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    Your need for harmony here too means you are likely approaching her frequently about how you are feeling and on a level she is uncomfortable with. Is there anything you enjoy doing together - an activity, exercising, baking etc. Try initiating something like that rather than trying to talk about the issue head-on. I know I too try the "we have to talk about this" approach even though it is VERY stressful, but if you can re-establish rapport on a more "surface" level, you might be able to soothe the issues that run deeper.

    Hugs to you and good luck!
    Last edited by PeaceBaby; 02-17-2009 at 10:03 PM.

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