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  1. #1
    beyondaurora
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    Default Please help me find the ESTJ soft spot!

    A friend of mine has a situation with her father, an ESTJ, who is very set in a traditional, religious mindset.

    My friend is in her early twenties, a good student, and has never dated. However, recently she met someone and has fallen in love. Their relationship is completely pure - there has been absolutely no physical intimacy (not even a kiss!).

    Because she desires her father's approval, she told him yesterday about the person and that she is very serious about starting a relationship with him. He became so angry that he threatened her that he wouldn't talk to her until she 'came to her senses'. Her father did cut off her older sister for not obeying his rules, and although it has been years, he still does not speak with her.

    Her father believes that 1) she should focus on her schooling, and 2) that the person she is interested in is tainted because he is not a virgin (she is).

    She pleaded with him twice, and he won't budge. In fact, the more she brings it up, the worse the threatened consequences have been.

    She and her love interest are completely devastated. They are so similar in their values and goals in life, and they feel a deep connection. But her family is her family, and so she feels she has no choice but to break off the relationship.

    If you have any advice for getting through to this ESTJ father, please help!

  2. #2
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    Lie.

  3. #3
    Courage is immortality Valiant's Avatar
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    Sounds like a complete bastard, she's better off without her father.
    Maybe he is in love with his own daughter, and use religion as some kind of excuse to keep others away from her.

    Mightier than the tread of marching armies is the power of an idea whose time has come

  4. #4
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    My father was like that, I am the black sheep of the family now because I took a stand.

    I have always hated rules though, eventually I will rebel if anyone tries to enforce them.

    I think my father is an IxTJ.

    She needs to accept being blacklisted and rejected by her family if she really wants to live life like it should be.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

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  5. #5
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    If he's up for it, have the guy meet the father. Man to man. No guarantees about the outcome however. Also, I would just date the guy without my fathers approval, even though it would hurt me bad that he didn't approve. If he repeats his threat to never talk to me, I'd remind him that I do love him and would hate for that to happen but that I'm an adult and that continuing down that road with all his loved ones will end with him being very lonely in the end.

    This is not an easy situation though. Tell her good luck from me.
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  6. #6
    Senior Member swordpath's Avatar
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    Yeah, in this case your friend is just going to have to branch out and do her thing. She can either A. tell her father what she feels and how she plans to pursue those feelings and then deal with the backlash or B. Go behind his back in attempts to nurture both relationships. Either way, her father's stance sounds dillusional and I don't think it should get in the way of your free-thinking, adult friend's relational pursuits.

    If I had a parent like that ESTJ father... God damn.

  7. #7
    beyondaurora
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    If he's up for it, have the guy meet the father. Man to man. No guarantees about the outcome however. Also, I would just date the guy without my fathers approval, even though it would hurt me bad that he didn't approve. If he repeats his threat to never talk to me, I'd remind him that I do love him and would hate for that to happen but that I'm an adult and that continuing down that road with all his loved ones will end with him being very lonely in the end.

    This is not an easy situation though. Tell her good luck from me.
    Thanks, Amargith. I think this is a very mature way to approach her father, but I'm not sure that she is ready to accept the consequences. She is also concerned that she will resent the person she's interested in (he's afraid of this as well), should her father turn his back on her. And by the way, the person loves her so much that he offered to meet her father. I think they just feel like this is a hopeless situation...

  8. #8
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    And rightly so...how about she talks it over with her sister? Or has she already?
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  9. #9
    beyondaurora
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    And rightly so...how about she talks it over with her sister? Or has she already?
    Her sister told her not to make the same mistake she has.

  10. #10
    beyondaurora
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beat View Post
    Yeah, in this case your friend is just going to have to branch out and do her thing.
    My only fear is that if she makes this decision based on this relationship, and not necessarily when she is really ready to do so, she will a) ruin her relationship because of resentment and guilt, which will cause b) her to run back to her father's arms with the mentality that he was right all along.

    Quote Originally Posted by Beat View Post
    Either way, her father's stance sounds dillusional and I don't think it should get in the way of your free-thinking, adult friend's relational pursuits.
    I agree completely.

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