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  1. #1
    Junior Member livinglife's Avatar
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    Question Can INTP Sis and ESTJ bro ever get along?

    Hello,
    I am looking for any general insight about this situation, especially from SJ folks.

    I have 3 brothers: the oldest has clinical mental health issues, the next I think is an ESTJ, maybe with a narcistic disorder. Then, me an INTP sister, and then the youngest, who can be warm or explosive. I think our Dad did a number on the ESTJ brother as a kid -- he could never do anything right and that was made very clear to him, the backhand and all that. The only girl, I never did anything wrong.

    I guess I'm just posting to see if any SJs out there can shed any further light on this situation. And wonder if there is any likelihood he and I could have a warm relationship in the future. The best we have ever had I'd say was cordial.

    So while with most everyone else ESTJ bro is charming, with me if he is not being protective, he is or cold, distrustful, criticial and at more recently downright mean. The situation became critical about 4 years ago when our father became very ill and our mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers. My oldest brother and I live in town, and I had assumed most of the caretaking role, although until very recently I never lived at home as we had caretakers come in for much of the day doing most of the hands on caretaking. But my plate was full with everything else.

    The two critical brothers live at least plane-ride away and come home to visit. For the past three to four years I have alternatively ignored, tried to stop with letters or emails, or just acquiesed to the ESTJ brother's near constant criticism and insult as I have done my best to take care of our failing parents. He of course is miles away, but has some legal authority and genuine concern for our parents, so for years I had kept trying to find a way to cool down and make things work. And I did for years.

    This is me trying to be brief. Anyway, after my Dad died this year, and I attempted to help out by moving home with my Mom (and with a lot of help from paid caretakers). Things went from bad to impossble as the distant brothers piled on the complaints, insults -- and from the younger brother --even threats of police action for imaginary safety issues. Without going into too much details, it became clear to me that I could not handle both watching my Mom fail, and the constant critcism, and live what was left of my life. So, while I continue to spend lots of time with Mom, I ultimately relinquished the actual "responsibility" for taking care her, except medical issues, (I am the health proxy) and said I did not want to hear from either of them again. (after we sorted out the main gist of the new caretaing roles) We expanded the outside caretaker help we were always getting, hired one local caretaker to be on call to take care of daily issues, buI left the scheduling of the caretaking, the staying over night and weekend shifts, the upkeep of the house, all of the things I had been doing (wrong) to my brother to take over or arrange.

    My ESTJ brother, being responsible and very organized has stepped up and taken on the responsibilities. Never for a moment was my mother's care in any question. But now, I no longer open an email or pick up the phone with the dread that I will be personally attacked or made to feel so small.

    I recently restored contact with my younger brother, who is more volatile, but who I have a warm connection with when he is okay. For now I am sad to be in the midst of a family rift, but much happier since I broke contact with the ESTJ. In all those years I never heard him say he was sorry for any thing he said or did. He dismissed apologies I had made as insincere.
    Clearly, I'm not ready to invite him back anytime soon, and I don't know if he would want to anyway. Do any of you think someone like my ESTJ brother can see this story from anything close to my point of view? But is there hope for us? -- trying to livelife well

  2. #2
    WTF is this dude saying? A Schnitzel's Avatar
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    No.
    Next question.

    But seriously you may come from different worlds, but you can still get along.
    The problem is that since he's an STJ you'll probably have to do more flexing than him. I know it's not fair. You'll have to decide how much you can and will put up with, since you're more capable and willing for self-reflection.

  3. #3
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    Okay, let's focus on the "how might an STJ think?" aspect.

    The clearest way to show him your view is just to lay out your whole explanation of how you thought it was going to work, step by step. But I guess you can't do that if he doesn't even want to listen to you...

    Maybe he just really cares about your mother so much that the whole situation has got him too mad at everyone to think clearly, maybe he lost trust in others after it all happened.

    **This is, as you're aware, a complicated situation, so I'm just taking light guesses.
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

  4. #4
    Junior Member livinglife's Avatar
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    Hello,
    Thanks for your responses. I was relieved that no one's initial response that I was over-reacting or imagining it all. As far as your suggestion to explain -- in the past, I have tried explaining why I did what I did, but he'd pretty consistently find something "wrong" in my explanation and I'd end up having to explain my explanation. It was a very frustrating endless loop! So I explained less, which probably made him trust less. Another bad loop! So maybe waiting this out is the best thing to do. Perhaps when there is less at stake, we can see if we can find some civil middle ground. Thanks -- LivingLife

  5. #5
    Occasional Member Evan's Avatar
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    Any two types can get along fine.

    MBTI isn't a good tool for these questions.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by evan View Post
    Any two types can get along fine.

    MBTI isn't a good tool for these questions.
    The characteristic relations are without exception in my experience. But official MBTI isn't a good tool for these questions, no.

  7. #7
    Occasional Member Evan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack Flak View Post
    The characteristic relations are without exception in my experience. But official MBTI isn't a good tool for these questions, no.
    I mean, there are communication issues on average between certain types.

    But maturity smooths those over.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by evan View Post
    I mean, there are communication issues on average between certain types.

    But maturity smooths those over.
    Sure, once you're both 65, and uninterested in anything but making sure the lawn is tidy, it's easy to get along.

  9. #9
    Occasional Member Evan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack Flak View Post
    Sure, once you're both 65, and uninterested in anything but making sure the lawn is tidy, it's easy to get along.
    That's a pretty pessimistic view.

    People really aren't that different. Part of becoming a good communicator is spending more energy trying to infer the perspectives of others.

    Yes, people have different preferences. Blowing everyone off because they're different is going to leave you pretty alone.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by evan View Post
    That's a pretty pessimistic view.

    People really aren't that different. Part of becoming a good communicator is spending more energy trying to infer the perspectives of others.

    Yes, people have different preferences. Blowing everyone off because they're different is going to leave you pretty alone.
    Let me rephrase. If getting along is a priority, it can be arranged. Naturally getting on together though, and having a blast without trying, can't.

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