User Tag List

123 Last

Results 1 to 10 of 23

  1. #1
    Junior Member elfsprin's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    MBTI
    INTP
    Posts
    22

    Default you must love yourself before anyone else can love you.

    this is one of those "old adages" that i can't remember the exact phrasing for, it's something along the lines of the thread title, though.

    personally, i've heard this adage frequently over the years. it would be incorrect to say that i found it silly, or wrong, or objectionable. however, it was always, for me, something that i found vaguely disquieting; it was something i never really understood, or could evaluate with regards to its truth- this made me highly suspect of the adage, and the people who would parrot it, without really knowing why i felt that way.

    just lately, while thinking about love and relationships, i came to an unhappy conclusion and immediately thereafter thought of this adage: it was my 'aha, now i get it' moment.

    however, i think my understanding of what this adage means is not really what's generally intended. it strikes me, in fact, that this adage might indeed be true for all people, but for different reasons depending on MBTI type.

    the conclusion i came to that lead me to lend credulity to this adage was this: i don't love myself, and because i don't, i would be ashamed to present "who i am" to someone that i was in love with. i would be afraid of that rejection. hence, until i am happy with who i am and love myself, no one else whom i am really interested in will be able to love me- i won't give them the chance. on the other hand, anyone who thinks that they love me (romantically) probably has a misconception about who i really am, and therefore loves the idea they have of me, but not me.

    it strikes me that this is a very INTP sort of thing to say, and that other types might not identify with it at all, but that they still might find that the adage holds true- for a different reason.

    i wanted to ask you all: what do you think about this adage? have you experienced its truth in your life? is it for a reason similar to mine, or something completely different?

  2. #2
    Senior Member Grayscale's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    MBTI
    istp
    Posts
    1,962

    Default

    my interpretation of this is that the divide created by the difference in understanding--that is, one person cannot relate to another person loving them--is greater than what the effective bond of that love can overcome

  3. #3
    Junior Member elfsprin's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    MBTI
    INTP
    Posts
    22

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Grayscale View Post
    my interpretation of this is that the divide created by the difference in understanding--that is, one person cannot relate to another person loving them--is greater than what the effective bond of that love can overcome
    interesting- so here again, as in my interpretation of the adage, the 'responsibility' for love not being possible lies within yourself, and not in the other person. they may have some sort of love for you, but you reject it because you cannot comprehend its object within yourself.

    i think putting the 'locus of control' in yourself here is a very T thing to do, especially when you think that the success of love can hinge on comprehension.

    do you think there are types that would place the 'responsibility' for love not being possible in the other person? perhaps Js would do that, if they were envisioning themselves as the one who wants to love an other, rather than the one who must love themselves?

  4. #4
    Senior Member Lateralus's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    MBTI
    ENTJ
    Enneagram
    3w4
    Posts
    6,276

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by elfsprin View Post
    i wanted to ask you all: what do you think about this adage? have you experienced its truth in your life? is it for a reason similar to mine, or something completely different?
    There have been times that I have rejected others because I was unhappy and/or insecure about the direction of my life. There have been situations where I've distanced myself because I assumed that if she really knew what was going on, she would reject me.
    "We grow up thinking that beliefs are something to be proud of, but they're really nothing but opinions one refuses to reconsider. Beliefs are easy. The stronger your beliefs are, the less open you are to growth and wisdom, because "strength of belief" is only the intensity with which you resist questioning yourself. As soon as you are proud of a belief, as soon as you think it adds something to who you are, then you've made it a part of your ego."

  5. #5
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    MBTI
    iSFj
    Enneagram
    2 sx/so
    Posts
    9,666

    Default

    I think it's cool that you posted this in the SJ section.

  6. #6
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    MBTI
    iSFj
    Enneagram
    2 sx/so
    Posts
    9,666

    Default misquote

    btw, I thought the old adage went, "You must love yourself before you can love another"? (which imo is false)

  7. #7
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    1,335

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
    btw, I thought the old adage went, "You must love yourself before you can love another"? (which imo is false)
    Yep, that's the one I've heard many times. Why don't you believe it to be true?

    For me... it's dealing with the idea that it's difficult to focus on the other person as they become your source of love. The focus is constantly on you. Relationships with these attitudes usually contain emotional problems like co-dependancy and insecurities.

    Thinking it over though... I don't see any reason why this relationship wouldn't be able to work out.

    Person looking for love -> Person who desires to be a helper/offer love.
    Person looking for love -> Person looking for love.

    If we aren't talking about that adage but instead the one the OP posted... I'd interpret it as the whole closeness thing as well.

  8. #8
    Junior Member elfsprin's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    MBTI
    INTP
    Posts
    22

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
    btw, I thought the old adage went, "You must love yourself before you can love another"? (which imo is false)
    thanks! i would really love to get input from as many different types as possible, it can only help me grow and comprehend more. and in love, honestly i can use all the help i can get, so the more varying data, the better


    i think i've heard it go both ways, but i could very well be imagining things. possibly, it's even an entirely different adage that i'm thinking of without realizing it, which took on this "must love self to be loved by others!!" meaning for me.

  9. #9
    Junior Member elfsprin's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    MBTI
    INTP
    Posts
    22

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Kai View Post
    Yep, that's the one I've heard many times. Why don't you believe it to be true?

    For me... it's dealing with the idea that it's difficult to focus on the other person as they become your source of love. The focus is constantly on you. Relationships with these attitudes usually contain emotional problems like co-dependancy and insecurities.

    Thinking it over though... I don't see any reason why this relationship wouldn't be able to work out.

    Person looking for love -> Person who desires to be a helper/offer love.
    Person looking for love -> Person looking for love.

    If we aren't talking about that adage but instead the one the OP posted... I'd interpret it as the whole closeness thing as well.
    interesting. so in your second paragraph, would it be correct to paraphrase you as meaning that if your love for yourself is not strong or solid enough, another person's love for you can become addictive and magnetic to the point that, even if you really want to love the other person, you sort of get lost in basking in their love for you?

    i could really see this 'basking' alchemizing into a persistent 'demanding' of them to supply you with more and more love. it could even become easy, somehow, for you to think that appreciating their love of you was an honorable and valid way of giving love back to them in return.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    1,335

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by elfsprin View Post
    interesting. so in your second paragraph, would it be correct to paraphrase you as meaning that if your love for yourself is not strong or solid enough, another person's love for you can become addictive and magnetic to the point that, even if you really want to love the other person, you sort of get lost in basking in their love for you?

    i could really see this 'basking' alchemizing into a persistent 'demanding' of them to supply you with more and more love. it could even become easy, somehow, for you to think that appreciating their love of you was an honorable and valid way of giving love back to them in return.
    Yep.
    It's certainly an easy trap to fall into. Personally I see alot of value in that one statement, because it's a situation that I fall into very often despite never having been in love. Certainly alot of ISFJs experience the whole "need to be loved" and I'm no exception. It's even more of a problem in individuals who lack self-esteem and self-confidence (aka find difficulty being comfortable in their own skins).

    Here's an example of how this belief manifests itself in my life. A Friendship with romantic undertones I had. My self-esteem/confidence went slightly up because of the attention I was receiving, however at times I also felt like I was an emotional leech. At the end of it I had too seriously question whether I was feeding my ego with the attention they were giving and how much I really cared for my friend.

    Obviously I'm really good friends and do care. But if you don't love yourself, you'll find that your love for the other person is slightly diluted with this whole "How is her love making me feel" and even worse "What can I do to make her love me".

    It's no problem if two people with these insecurities feed each other.
    It's also no problems if you get one person who has the helper mentality of fixing the other person.
    However the day the above changes (when one matures)~ There will be complications.

    Basically I see the above statement as a guideline for a healthy relationship for two healthy individuals .

Similar Threads

  1. Anyone else love M*A*S*H?
    By BadOctopus in forum Popular Culture and Type
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 01-12-2015, 11:49 AM
  2. how did you feel about yourself before your found out
    By think2much in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 40
    Last Post: 10-06-2009, 01:24 AM
  3. [MBTItm] you must love yourself before anyone else can love you.
    By elfsprin in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: 11-27-2008, 04:56 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO