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  1. #11
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    No. I a complete megalomaniac and think I am awesome mentally, physically and character-wise, so I don't have a problem loving others.
    ENTj 7-3-8 sx/sp

  2. #12
    Junior Member elfsprin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FDG View Post
    No. I a complete megalomaniac and think I am awesome mentally, physically and character-wise, so I don't have a problem loving others.
    you're italian. all is forgiven.

  3. #13
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    I believe the OP is true. When you learn how to love yourself, truly love yourself, without deception and ego or doubt, you've learned one (three_ of the most important lessons towards having a healthy relationship with someone. Namely, "I am worthy of love. I am capable of loving. I know what love is".
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

  4. #14
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    A person loving someone Vs. them accepting someone elses love in return are two separate things.
    Likes Ursa, yama liked this post

  5. #15
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    For me, I'm not quite sure about "loving yourself". I believe love is the desire to be one with another. I also believe, however, that you cannot love without accepting yourself for what you are.

    As far as anyone else loving you, I can't speak to the drives and motivations of others.
    ...doesn't work or play well with others...

  6. #16
    Junior Member elfsprin's Avatar
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    as a T, i feel a strong need to comprehend and understand why a partner might love me, which i think is something that lies at the heart of this adage's validity for me.

    how do any Fs around here experience this need to intellectually comprehend a partner's love- the motivations, how their love may reveal things about their character based on what they seem to value, the internal standards or sets of criteria they operate with which are evinced by their emotions, etc.? does it play a substantial role in your romantic relationships?

    one thing i've heard a lot about is the magical 'i just know' when it comes to love. i feel that it relates to the topic because i personally feel that my penchant for analysis-ad-nauseam, which i have to fight quite relentlessly to turn off, may at many times be really and truly inappropriate. i do feel that most of my dissatisfaction with myself is justified, and that it's a positive thing overall because i find overzealous self-critique to be far preferable to self-deceit. but, on the other hand, some of this beratement that i toss my own way might be way over the top and blown out of proportion, and i have a really hard time seeing that clearly. i think this works the other way around as well: i end up over analyzing the actions, words and emotions that are sent my way by someone that i'm in a relationship with because i need to understand it in an intellectual capacity. so, i feel like this ties into the thread topic, as the antithesis to over-analyzing seems to be the 'i just know' phenomenon.

    i wonder if Fs tend to experience love from another person primarily through 'just knowing' and secondarily through comprehension? it seems like the obvious answer might be yes, but i'm asking anyway also: my success with comprehension depends very heavily on my Ne (whereas whatever part of me might from time to time experience something like 'i just know' doesn't really feel like it has any functions supporting it at all); for the S crowd: one, do you tend to rely on one or the other (comprehension vs. just know), and two, if so which one does your S seem to support the most, naturally?

  7. #17
    Senior Member Coeur's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kai View Post
    Yep, that's the one I've heard many times. Why don't you believe it to be true?

    For me... it's dealing with the idea that it's difficult to focus on the other person as they become your source of love. The focus is constantly on you. Relationships with these attitudes usually contain emotional problems like co-dependancy and insecurities.

    Thinking it over though... I don't see any reason why this relationship wouldn't be able to work out.

    Person looking for love -> Person who desires to be a helper/offer love.
    Person looking for love -> Person looking for love.

    If we aren't talking about that adage but instead the one the OP posted... I'd interpret it as the whole closeness thing as well.
    This is why agree with the love yourself quote: the whole codependency thing.

    My last TWO relationships were like this: the boyfriends were looking for love, and I wanted to give it to them. The problem with this? No person can give you everything you need if you're a bottomless pit, and so the relationship ends very, very badly. It destroys the needy person even more. Additionally, extreme insecurities harm the relationship even before it ends because the person is so demanding/paranoid/oversensitive. These relationships are NOT fun. I'd like someone to love me because they want to, not because they need to.

  8. #18
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by elfsprin View Post
    i don't love myself, and because i don't, i would be ashamed to present "who i am" to someone that i was in love with. i would be afraid of that rejection. hence, until i am happy with who i am and love myself, no one else whom i am really interested in will be able to love me- i won't give them the chance.
    I can see how someone could view themselves in this light and also whilst in so called loving relationships. Possibly when a seed is planted in someones head and its watered daily with words so vulgar and disgusting to the point you contemplate your very being and existance yet these words are taken as gospel as the person saying them loves you. Why should you not believe them. The downside to this is long after the relationships are over, those words are still there so why bother giving someone else a chance.
    "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me".


    Quote Originally Posted by elfsprin View Post
    how do any Fs around here experience this need to intellectually comprehend a partner's love- the motivations, how their love may reveal things about their character based on what they seem to value, the internal standards or sets of criteria they operate with which are evinced by their emotions, etc.? does it play a substantial role in your romantic relationships?

    I wonder if Fs tend to experience love from another person primarily through 'just knowing' and secondarily through comprehension? it seems like the obvious answer might be yes, but i'm asking anyway

    for the S crowd: one, do you tend to rely on one or the other (comprehension vs. just know), and two, if so which one does your S seem to support the most, naturally?
    I have done the 'just knowing' and it was something screaming in my head "go and do this". I didn't do the comprehension thing. Hindsight, it would of been wise. I did support the 'just knowing' theory.

    Quote Originally Posted by Coeur View Post
    I'd like someone to love me because they want to, not because they need to.
    I totally agree. You can however, give someone everything they want though and its taken wholeheartedly but during those bad times, those things you gave with no conditions are twisted to make you viewed as needy when all along it was a want.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  9. #19
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    I think it makes us uncomfortable because we think of narcissism. I also dislike the words "love yourself" because I think of love as something you can only give another since it is a bit of self-gift. However, I understand that what is meant is not narcissism. It is self-acceptance. People don't often realize that when we are highly self-rejecting, it makes it that much harder to accept other people when they fall short of our expectations. It also keeps us unhealthy as we are rejecting bits of ourselves but they don't go away. They just hurt from all the rejecting and get shoved into the unconscious where they continue to influence our behaviour in weird ways that are invisible to our conscious selves.

    I think of self-acceptance as necessary, not to loving people at all, but to loving people well or to loving people UNCONDITIONALLY.

    Only a person who has learned to make peace with his own darkness can accept those in darkness or pain or failure. First, they are not as needy, so their love is more truly free. They don't need that much reciprocation. Then, their own self acceptance frees up a lot of their psychic energy that they can then share with others. Third, they have faced their darkness, so they are not proud but humble, never think of themselves as saints though they are generally the most saintly people, and also, they are not afraid of other people's "stuff", they can still see the dignity of the person even if everyone rejects that person.

    It is not easy, which is why so few achieve it, but I think it is worth striving for. We have no idea how much of our psychic energy is preoccupied with us and the efforts to protect us based on our painful but often very false and fearful beliefs, or how much this interferes with our relationships. True self-acceptance is described by the enlightened as freedom. We no longer have to be pre-occupied with ourselves, so we love others easier, better, more freely. At least that's what I think is meant. What I hope for

  10. #20
    Winter in Your Soul Crystal Winter Dream's Avatar
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    I think being loved by someone who is very special to you, can honestly, help you love yourself.

    Speaking as someone who's moreless hated themselves. XD

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