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  1. #1
    Junior Member Anna212's Avatar
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    Default Rant about an ISFJ male

    There is an ISFJ guy that I have been interested in for a while. This person is very sweet, kind, considerate, typical ISFJ qualities.

    He's also slowly driving me nuts. He is always scared that he is going to insult me or offend me. If he teases me or put himself out there, he will always withdraw what he said, to a certain degree. He will almost always apologize, as well.

    He seems to need constant reassurance that I still like him.

    An example: Last Friday I said I might go out, or I may just go to bed early, as I was very tired. He asked why I was tired. The he said "I hope you are not tired because I asked you out". Of course, this has nothing to do with me being tired. He just wanted to bring it up. Again, needs constant reassurance that ok, you do like me, you do want to go out with me.

    I guess it's pretty typically ISTJ of me to find this is irritating rather than endearing.

    I think that if I say anything about how I wouldn't go out with him after all, he will blame himself, take it really personally etc. He won't realize that his need for constant reassurance was what drove me away, rather than I didn't like him.

    Anyway, if you've made it to the end of this, my thanks.

    Do you guys think that he sounds like a typical ISFJ? Am I being a typical ISTJ? And do you know of ISTJ/ISFJ pairings?

  2. #2
    Sniffles
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    Well it sounds a bit like myself at times, and I'm INFJ.

    Well guess it goes to show that IFJs and ITJs should have nothing to do with each other.

  3. #3
    Junior Member Anna212's Avatar
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    Well guess it goes to show that IFJs and ITJs should have nothing to do with each other.
    I wouldn't go quite so far as "nothing to do", but I think prolonged contact should probably be discouraged.

  4. #4
    mountain surfing nomadic's Avatar
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    im seeing this isfj girl. im enfp

    she's like that. she needs constant reassurance.

    wats the big deal. sometimes people are just at different points in their lives and have different emotional needs. someone might be more needy cus they don't know people in the area, or they just got out of a relationship. don't get too obsessed with kicking someone to the curb first, to get an ego boost, which im sure its tempting to a lot of people at one point in their lives... i mean, you're talking about real people here, u kno?

  5. #5
    Junior Member Anna212's Avatar
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    don't get too obsessed with kicking someone to the curb first to get an ego boost
    Uh... rejecting someone for an ego boost is not something that I do, don't worry

  6. #6
    Nerd King Usurper Edgar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anna212 View Post
    I guess it's pretty typically ISTJ of me to find this is irritating rather than endearing.
    I'm an INTJ and I find that extremely irritating.

    Yes, I've had a dubious honor of being with an ISFJ girl.

  7. #7
    Welcome to Sunnyside Mondo's Avatar
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    This is a typical FJ letting out his insecurities.
    He needs external reassurance to be assured that you like him.
    He'll grow out of it or eventually realize that you like him no matter what..
    MBTI Type: iNTj
    Enneagram Type: 3w4 sp/sx

  8. #8
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    It's not quite the same, but my mom is an ISFJ, so I understand the dynamic there. That (excessive) insistence on an emotional connection can be annoying, especially when we as ISTJs are aware that both people in that connection already care about each other. And low self-esteem on the part of the ISFJ sure doesn't help, either. But I think there are ways to get around this, like how my mom and I (over my teenage years to early 20s) eventually settled into a compromise, me giving a little more F, and her giving a little more T.

    The difference here, though, is that you can't choose your parents, but your boyfriend...

    Also, I've looked a lot like the guy you describe when in past relationships, unfortunately. Even though it would annoy me, too, if it were happening to me.
    Last edited by Cimarron; 11-07-2008 at 03:08 AM. Reason: important qualifier
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

  9. #9

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    Hi, I am new here but I am an ISFJ male so I will try to contribute.

    I think that it is natrual for ISFJ's to feel this way to always want reassurance. Some probably have a tendency to do this more than others but I think it is part of the personality. I feel this need quite a bit myself.

    I do think however that ISFJ's need to learn to control this as much as possible, even though it feels quite natural to do the opposite. Personally I feel like there's nothing wrong with wanting reassurance but if you ask for it in almost everything you say or every time you see a person I can imagine how that would drive them away. So I think an ISFJ needs to realise that you can't be asking for or expect it every time.

    Though I'm sure if you do reassure him without him even asking you it will make him feel a lot better. It will probably lessen as well once you become closer, as someone else stated, though of course every ISFJ is still different. I'm sure that he will still want to have his affection and give you affection once you are closer as well though, which gives him reassurance on its own.

    If on the other hand you decide not to go out with him and tell him no then I'm pretty sure that he will definitely take it personally and ask himself what he did wrong and blame himself. And I guess it would be his fault if it's because he was coming off as too needy. Naturally, I feel the same way in a similar situation but I try to force myself to think that if this happens then it was simply because we were not as compatible as I thought etc. Still, it is hard to fight those ISFJ tendencies...

    It sounds to me as if he needs to learn to control some of his ISFJ traits, namely asking for reassurance too often. Perhaps he is not aware of them. Though if you do want to give the relationship a try, then you could try reassuring him of your own initiative first and see if that lessens things a bit once he becomes more comfortable with you. Also, I think that the thing with him retracting his joke statements about you will lessen a lot as well once he feels more comfortable around you and learns how you will react to different types of jokes. Remember that ISFJ's gather very, very detailed facts about people and store them away, then naturally rely on that information that they have gathered to judge a situation, if a situation matches a previous one. That's why I think once he has enough information on how you perceive certain jokes he will realise he does not have to say sorry or retract his statement. Though you should let him know that it does not bother you when he makes the joke...
    Likes LavenderSoda liked this post

  10. #10

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    Thanks.

    When I first read about ISFJ's, this was one of the things that struck me a lot because I realised that I do this a lot and I have a very accurate memory, especially for those types of things.

    Pretty cool if you ask me... like an ISFJ special ability haha

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