[NT] Values in Relationships

[chelsea_june]

• Similar interests
• Humor
• Honesty
• Charming / Warmth
• Intelligence
• Similar background
• Loyalty
• Personal space

 

[charliefoxtrot]

Trust...as in me being able to trust him, and him being able to trust me but not pry. haha
A sense of humor that fuels and partners well with my own.
Having a sense of comfort and openess between us; freedom to be myself, and help to interpret and develop myself.
An ability to console me and shield me from myself when I get all Fe'd out.
Enough intelligence to converse with me, and a willingness to try to keep up if I go off on some tangent.
Sufficient care to get to know me, and sufficient praciticality to use that knowledge.

Basically, somebody who can flesh out my gaps and do what I cannot do for myself. It helps if he's sexy, has nice chest hair and dimples, and likes to clean and cook.

My ISFJ better half these days fulfills these things. Am I biased, perhaps gloating? No. You asked for my values.

Okay, biased. And the downside to all of this is that he is not very good for theoretical, trivial, brainy, intution-y stuff. But you can't have your cake and eat it too, right?

 

[Splittet]

Most important is intimacy and commitment. Part of intimacy is liking, getting along and respecting each other - intimacy is mediated by similarity. Commitment is the decision to stay together and commitment to shared goals and working together towards these.

 

[Kasper]

Um, yeah, I'm just gonna say all of the above, particularly the part about doing the frug, dunno what it is but it sounds important and impressive.

 

[sunset5678]

yeah, that drives me crazy too...sometimes that causes more problems for
people than the thing that actually IS the problem. Probably how I became
an ENTJ...thinking 'oh hell I'll do it myself if everyone else is going to dick
around making up their minds on HOW to do it...' I've seen some people ta-
ke such a rediculous span of time to decide exactly when to do things it is-
n't even funny...like try a year or more. If you're an ENTJ a month might as
well be five years.

 

[Galusha]

-a sense of humor that values irony, but isn't cruel
-a love of lively debate, but the willingness to admit when you're wrong
-intelligence, and the desire to share it with others instead of lording it over them
-easy suspension of disbelief (I'm very superstitious, for whatever reason)
-ease in crowds, but not attention-seeking
-optimistic realism; the ability to offer constructive criticism coupled with the belief that people can change for the better, if they so desire, and that what is right will eventually win out
-love of anything that's done well, and the ability to discern it from self-service
-patience to deal with my bs in public, and understand my reasons for it
-green or hazel eyes

(and yes, I'm aware that this person probably doesn't exist)

 

[Verfremdungseffekt]

Beyond the obvious intangibles, I find written diction very important. If someone scrawls me a note or an email, and it's murky or riddled with errors, something in my brain will immediately strike that person from the list. Conversely, clear, forcible, eloquent prose will shoot me right through the heart.

 

[BlahBlahNounBlah]

- Sense of humor!!!!!!!!!!
- Competent
- Considers the consequences of actions and how they affect others
- Willing to make an effort
- Creative
- Similar interests ... or at least complementary
-

 

[charliefoxtrot]

We do all agree that intimacy and sexual intimacy are universally important? Generally speaking.

 

[Verfremdungseffekt]

I dunno about the latter. The former is paramount, though.

 

[entropie]

At least 150 BHP and manual or we wont talk !

 

[MiasmaResonance]

Mental and emotional intimacy.
Trust.
A fair bit of humour and funnziez.. ;o
Respect.
Unconditional wuv. :blushing:

 

[hilo]

love
a respect for differences
space
non-materialistic partner
speak my language - pretty much have to be an N
intelligence/competence
mutual interests, which goes beyond hobbies. It's better if we like things for similar reasons than that we like the same things.

 

[burymecloser]

Goodness, this is an old thread, isn't it? I've stolen/modified a couple points from Jennifer's 2008 [!] OP.

Honesty/Trust/Reliability

Deliberately lie to me, or break a promise even accidentally, and we have a serious problem. If you don't know, admit it. If you say you're going to do something, do it. If you say you won't do something, don't.

Intimacy

I need to feel special, even unique, in a relationship. I think it's normal and healthy that we'll do things separately sometimes, but I don't want to feel like there are parts of your life I'm totally closed out from. Share your life with me, so I feel like a true partner. This can be done in any number of different ways, but show me you care about me.

Mutual Respect

I want a partner, not a surrogate parent. Don't assume that you know what's best for me, but don't withhold advice, complaints, or constructive criticism. Listen to me, respect my idiosyncracies, and do your best (within reason) to accomodate my requests. Share responsibilities with me. Conduct yourself like an adult (at least most of the time ).

Consideration/Empathy/Interest in others

I'd need to believe that my partner was fundamentally a good person, interested in the well-being of others.

Some degree of mutual interests

We need to have something to talk about and things we can do together. It would be particularly helpful if we like at least some of the same food, movies, and music. Similar political leanings would probably be helpful, and drastically opposed ideas a likely deal-breaker. Similar sense of humour might be hard to do without.

---
There are probably important things I'm forgetting, but honestly, I think the easiest way to sum this up is with the one characteristic I cannot tolerate in an otherwise good person: carelessness. If you're reasonably bright, reasonably nice, genuinely interested in physical and emotional intimacy, and not habitually careless, it's likely that we could be happy together.

 

[hilo]

Goodness, this is an old thread, isn't it?

Deliberately lie to me, or break a promise even accidentally, and we have a serious problem. If you don't know, admit it. If you say you're going to do something, do it. If you say you won't do something, don't.

This seems a bit harsh. I mean, it's going to happen. Maybe you don't mean this to sound as serious as it is, but are you going to dump someone because they forgot to get you from the airport or from school? Or because they didn't mail something? I mean you have to accept that people make mistakes. Or really like being alone.

 

[Totenkindly]

It would depend on what "promise" refers to here. I'm not sure that "forgot to get you or mail you something" is the sort of promise being considered.

PS. Okay, this is getting freaky, seeing posts I made year(s) ago and don't remember making.

 

[Ezra]

A relationship to me consists of:

• Loyalty
• Dedication
• Respect
• Faith
• Trust

Well, that's what love is to me. Besides those things, you need a partner you can feel absolutely 100% comfortable around, who you really truly enjoy spending a lot of your time with, who you can share your life with. Also, great sex isn't a must, but it is an important part of a healthy relationship. Sense of humour etc are added bonuses. But come on, 98% of people have a sense of humour, so it really isn't a great criterion for choosing a partner.

If you get all that, you should probably marry the person.

 

[burymecloser]

Deliberately lie to me, or break a promise even accidentally, and we have a serious problem. If you don't know, admit it. If you say you're going to do something, do it. If you say you won't do something, don't.

This seems a bit harsh. I mean, it's going to happen. Maybe you don't mean this to sound as serious as it is, but are you going to dump someone because they forgot to get you from the airport or from school? Or because they didn't mail something? I mean you have to accept that people make mistakes. Or really like being alone.

It would depend on what "promise" refers to here. I'm not sure that "forgot to get you or mail you something" is the sort of promise being considered.

Jennifer's right. I feel like promises are serious business. Does someone really say, "I promise I'll pick you up that day," or is it more, "Sure, I can pick you up"? I don't think people usually makes promises about trivial stuff. If my partner offers to, yeah, pick up dinner or something, and forgets, that's not a big deal. I'm making a distinction between things like simple forgetfulness and giving your word on something you might not be able to deliver on.

If you tell me you'll grab the mail or stop by the grocery and you forget, that's human. As long as it doesn't happen all the time, I don't think it's a big deal. If you promise me you'll do something, and break your promise, that's a breach of trust I'll have a very hard time overcoming. I'm assuming that we don't make promises about trivial, everyday matters. I'm prepared to forgive accidental untruths and simple forgetfulness. What I have a problem with is deliberate deceit, habitual unreliability, or breaking one's word. There's a difference in my mind between saying, "I will do x," and "I promise I will do x."

I would be kind of pissed if someone forgot to pick me up from the airport (the closest one is 45 minutes' drive if there's any traffic), but it's not the sort of thing I would break up with someone over. That said, if the person gave their word, literally promised to pick me up, and failed to, I would have serious questions about this person's general trustworthiness and thoughtfulness. Someone whose word is unimportant to them is probably not someone with whom I can have a healthy long-term relationship. And seriously, who forgets what day their SO is getting home? If my partner forgets when I'm getting into town, I don't think we have much of a relationship.

It might also be worth mentioning that I make long-term partners aware of how seriously I take this. If they do actually say "I promise" about trivia, I'll discourage them from doing so around me, or if they make a promise I doubt they can keep, I may immediately point out to them what they've just said and give them a chance to retract it. I hold myself to the same standard, btw. I rarely make promises and haven't broken one since I was a little kid.

PS. Okay, this is getting freaky, seeing posts I made year(s) ago and don't remember making.

What would be really freaky, IMO, is if you remembered all 18,550 of them.

 

[freedom geek]

In my relationships/female partner I value (and many of these things are outright requirements) rationality (including stuff like atheism and skepticism), introversion, curiosity, not wanting children, shared interests (likes science/technology, interesting hypothetical scenarios, cool engineering, etc) and values (pro-science/technology, transhumanist, wanting freedom for other sapient beings, honesty, etc), intelligence, intellectualism (in the sense that they like thinking), knowledge, being sexually compatible (not interested in anal, equal relationship, enough birth control to avoid the aforementioned children, no STDs, etc), creativity/being able to think outside the box, independence, physical attractiveness (hard to quantify, I'll know it when I see it, but I'm pretty sure I find thin girls more attractive), otherwise compatible (doesn't want to waste time/money on trivial nonsense, not constantly demanding attention (although I'd happily give my ideal plenty), etc) and lacking the sorts of basic horrible stuff (good hygiene, not secretly a rapist, etc).

To illistrate my point the character from fiction which best fits my ideal, assuming she does not want (human) children, is Kimiko Ross.